OW/OM: do you accept your MM/MW having sex with their W/H?

[spice4life]

Yeah, if that was what your relationship was like I would say yes, it would feel like cheating. But again, SHE's MARRIED so you really can't expect anything.

[wisernow]

The first two months that we were like platonic friends, she was a breath of fresh air. I always told her, my favorite quality about her was how straight-forward she was. Even one month into our affair, I joked how she's incapable of sweet talking to me like my ex's. It's hard not to believe someone like that when:

 

She tells all her girlfriends about me and they all encourage her to leave her husband for me.

 

She's confessed to her mother that she's fallen in love for me.

 

Her entire family side knows she's dating me and she's ok with it whether they approve or not..

 

She had the galls to meet my parents, and talks to the them with the utmost respect out of all the girls I've dated. My mother gets along with her like it was her own daughter.

 

She talks to her husband at most 15 minutes a day. When her and I met at trade school and Before she started working, we talked for at least 12 hours a day, and spent time in each other's arms anywhere from 8-12 hours a day.

 

While in bed with her, she tells me I'm her true husband, she'll follow me until the end of the earth, until the day she dies.

 

Sometimes we forget that she's married.

 

 

So I feel like she's cheating on me maybe a little?

 

 

There is this guilt and trust issue I've always dealt while with her. It does feel like a weight lifted off my shoulder when I ended it.

 

Right..

 

And you know all these things, how? Because she tells you, right? You my friend, are being duped. You don't know jack except what she's told you. Have you had a conversation with her family, friends, husband, to verify all you so believe to be true? Everything she had told you has been played our on this forum alone thousands of time. Meh...

 

You're not that special, you are a diversion to her "real" life, perhaps a nice piece of a**. To believe anything else will only lead you to heartbreak.

 

Hey, if you want to continue f'ing this woman, than good on you, but please, don't for one second think you are all that, that she is blowing up her life for you. Accept your role, or move on. You are nothing more than the OM. Welcome to the "club" you've willingly volunteered to be a member of.

Edited February 24, 2013 by wisernow

[ViresSanctity]

Right..

 

And you know all these things, how? Because she tells you, right? You my friend, are being duped. You don't know jack except what she's told you. Have you had a conversation with her family, friends, husband, to verify all you so believe to be true? Everything she had told you has been played our on this forum alone thousands of time. Meh...

 

You're not that special, you are a diversion to her "real" life. To believe anything else will only lead you to heartbreak.

 

Hey, if you want to continue f'ing this woman, than good on you, but please, don't for one second think you are all that, that she is blowing up her life for you. Accept your role, or move on. You are nothing more than the OM. Welcome to the "club" you've willingly volunteered to be a member of.

 

Eh, I can only verify one of the things you bolded. She spends her nights talking to me from 8:30pm -2:00 am. There was never enough time for us.

 

Her husband lays right next to her watching TV. I hear him over the phone all the time. One of his complaints was that she doesn't talk to him more than 15 minutes a day, and then goes back to watching his TV.

 

I wasn't trying to justify anything, and I'm even inclined to agree with your other points as harsh as it sounds.

[wisernow]

Eh, I can only verify one of the things you bolded. She spends her nights talking to me from 8:30pm -2:00 am. There was never enough time for us.

 

Her husband lays right next to her watching TV. I hear him over the phone all the time. One of his complaints was that she doesn't talk to him more than 15 minutes a day, and then goes back to watching his TV.

 

I wasn't trying to justify anything, and I'm even inclined to agree with your other points as harsh as it sounds.

 

I'm sorry if you take what I said as harsh, I think harsh is what you need. See, I don't know you. I don't have any investment in your life or happiness. I'd bet though, if you were to present this situation to the people that do love or care about you, harshness is what you'd get.

[ViresSanctity]

I'm sorry if you take what I said as harsh, I think harsh is what you need. See, I don't know you. I don't have any investment in your life or happiness. I'd bet though, if you were to present this situation to the people that do love or care about you, harshness is what you'd get.

 

And I don't mean to come off as over-sensitive. I'm really more hardened than I sound. I do really take your points well.

[ViresSanctity]

Honestly, no, I never really felt special. I always felt it was strictly about the "you know" with him. He never gave me a reason to think otherwise. He just thought I was different and kinda neat, so he enoyed hanging out with me sometimes. Thats how it felt anyway. It never felt like I was someone he wanted to include in his regular life.

 

It feels kind of sad to write that actually.

 

I'm sorry to hear that =/. I would hate it if my MW treated me like that. I was already frustrated that our relationship was an affair and that we had to hide it from anyone.

[Catplates]

The first two months that we were like platonic friends, she was a breath of fresh air. I always told her, my favorite quality about her was how straight-forward she was. Even one month into our affair, I joked how she's incapable of sweet talking to me like my ex's. It's hard not to believe someone like that when:

 

She tells all her girlfriends about me and they all encourage her to leave her husband for me.

 

She's confessed to her mother that she's fallen in love for me.

 

Her entire family side knows she's dating me and she's ok with it whether they approve or not..

 

She had the galls to meet my parents, and talks to the them with the utmost respect out of all the girls I've dated. My mother gets along with her like it was her own daughter.

 

She talks to her husband at most 15 minutes a day. When her and I met at trade school and Before she started working, we talked for at least 12 hours a day, and spent time in each other's arms anywhere from 8-12 hours a day.

 

While in bed with her, she tells me I'm her true husband, she'll follow me until the end of the earth, until the day she dies.

 

Sometimes we forget that she's married.

 

 

So I feel like she's cheating on me maybe a little?

 

 

There is this guilt and trust issue I've always dealt while with her. It does feel like a weight lifted off my shoulder when I ended it.

 

Wow!

She surely knows how to sweet talk you and work her way into your heart.

 

I feel you have fallen for her hook, line and sinker. My crystal ball tells me that you have a long painful road ahead.

 

Why don't you cut your losses and leave it alone. If you take her back, you will be going through the doubts and suspicions endlessly. It will drive you insane.

 

CAt

[ViresSanctity]

She knows now not to tell you she has had sex with her hubby.

 

Honestly, you can't expect a married person to not have sex with their spouse. She has the best of both worlds - her spouse and her boy toy....she'll have sex with you both. Its only when it guilts her enough she tells you about "once".

 

Accepting they have sex will make life easier for you when you resume the affair. Accepting she will lie to you will also make it easier. If she can lie to her spouse, she can and will lie to you.

 

And I even told her, "If I remain in this relationship, you'll just learn now not to tell me anything."

 

If we assume that I will get back with her tomorrow, I have my demands and the expectations you said. I'm not coming into it entirely selfless either. I think she'd have to be crazy in love with me to agree to it. Part of me wants to test her boundary of love.

 

The night she confessed to me, something inside me switched off. Before breaking up with her, I kissed her very aggressively and felt nothing. As she held me and wouldn't let go, I told her "Let's break up sweety." I looked at the tears rolling down her eyes, and I felt nothing. None of the pain I used to feel when she was sad in the past was there. I saw her texts and phone calls blow up my phone, and I no longer saw a human behind it. Just words floating across my screen.

 

My meeting with her tomorrow is just to see what makes her tick.

[spice4life]

I'm sorry to hear that =/. I would hate it if my MW treated me like that. I was already frustrated that our relationship was an affair and that we had to hide it from anyone.

 

Thanks and no need to apologize. It actually felt good to say that out loud...lol. Or should I say post that out loud.

 

Anyway, thanks for posting this thread. Good topic.

[Ladybugz]

Is this a joke? Its sad thou....

[Lostinlife4now]

I see what you did there .

 

 

What did I do?

[skylarblue]

I expected and assumed xMM was having sex with his W. A few years into the A, they were still having sex regularly. So were we. It honestly didn't bother me (I never thought it would bother me). I only wanted him to think of me during. Later down the line, I just assumed they were sleeping together more and more infrequently (xMM confirmed this), as we were having sex almost everyday. At this point, it would've bothered me if they were still on the regular (thinking he didn't need to sleep with me then), and I did tell him (and he promised) I didn't want him intimate with her on any special occasions/holidays or on the day of or before he was intimate with me. At one point, I wanted to know when, but later I told him not to tell me (just keep his promise and that he'd told me the truth). I did believe what he told me.

 

xMM volunteered the info that he was rarely then no longer sleeping with his W. I know for the last years, they had sex only a few times one year and not at all the year after that (confirmed by heard phone conversations with the W). The next year (dday year), I wondered if that all changed. I never discussed it with him, but when I mentioned that it wouldn't bother me if he had to (like damage control), he called bull$hit and he was right. It would've bothered me, but I would have understood and accepted it to an extent. As long as it was out of unavoidable/undesired obligation (kinda like taking 1 for the team) and there was no feelings for or thought of her behind it.

 

He never promised/stated that he wouldn't slept with his W at all, but if xMM had told me he was still sleeping with her regularly throughout our R, I would have dumped him. If I discovered he was lying about it during the R, I would have dumped him. If he told me (and it was true) that he only had sex with her once a year, but when he did he felt love for her, I would've dumped him. I still wonder if he jumped right back into sleeping with his W or back to how things were pre-A after the A (four months after it ended, he was saying he still hadn't touched her) or other things like that. Doesn't it matter? No. Do I think about it occasionally or have feeling about it? Yes.

[carhill]

If you were in a serious relationship with a married man or woman, do you find it acceptable for them to being having sex with their married partner?

 

If it was agreed to by both of us, acceptable; if other, other. I doubt I'll ever find myself in a 'serious' relationship with a married person again, but communication and boundaries will address any issues which arise should that supposition be false.

 

If they tell you they don't have sex with their partners anymore, do you think that it's realistic to believe them?

Given the experiences I've had with MW's over the decades, and the revelations, my acceptance would be that they indeed are not having sex with their partner/spouse at that moment, since they're with me, but anything is possible when their actions are not verifiable.

Then when they do, do you think it's acceptable that they've lied?

I once assumed such lies were unacceptable, but ran across them so often that the assumption morphed into a tacit 'throws one's hands up' reluctant 'whatever'. People do what they do. Each moment is different. If it happens again, I'd probably say something like 'that's disappointing' and then move on. No drama. Life's too short.

[ViresSanctity]

A lot of OW here seem to accept and expect that their MM/xMM were still having sex with their MW.

 

Does this have something more to do with what is culturally acceptable i.e. men have stronger sexual urges and are less prone to control their impulses? They can have sex while devoid of emotions with another person, while be completely immersed with their emotions while they make love to the one they love.

 

I've not heard any men come straight about their MW/xMW having sex with their MM. Is this because of our ego, socially unacceptable that women are sexual creatures, and/or because it's less likely that a woman would have sex with a man they no longer have feelings for?

[ViresSanctity]

I just got home from having a conversation with my MW, letting her explain what happened during her last sexual encounter with her MM.

 

 

 

I'm on the fence about this, not because I doubt her character. She is by nature not a very sexual person as I have found in the 5-6 months knowing her. She will do whatever I ask her to do in bed, but even when drunk she never engages. I have always told her that I loved everything about her, but her lack of sexual drive. She promised me she would become better with time if I am patient with her and over the past several weeks, she has improved in bed. She is still very shy about it.

 

I'm on the fence because I don't know what to make of the situation.

 

 

The conversation started out with me telling her, "There's nothing you can explain at this moment that could bring me back to you. The trust has been broken. But I'll give you your moment so humor me."

 

 

She has been trying to tell me but was not sure how to come out with it. Basically her MM had woken her up at 12-1am after I had finished talking to her on the phone. He was drunk that night. He tried to tear off her clothes and force her into having sex with him. She tells me that before he could stick it in, she cried and screamed so he stopped.

 

She tells me that he has promised her to never touch her again. She only sees him as a friend according to her.

 

Because she tells me that I had been pressuring her about the issue, that she just blurted out that she wanted it so I would stop asking and let it go. She did not want me to find her MM and punch him. She tells me she worries that since she's known him for 6 years, and he is married to her, she does not want me to think badly of him despite his action.

 

Why then did she come out and tell me they had sex the first time I asked her? Because she said, she was really drunk that night (I did feed her a lot of alcohol), and she was not sure why she told it to me like that. She said she didn't like it and pushed him off, but she was not sure why she worded it like that. I'm effy on this part.

 

I think that part of me wants to believe that she did not want the sex. But the part about him not sticking it in yet when we talked today, is a lie. She did after all say that had sex the first time I asked.

 

I am not very happy with of course hearing that she was almost/was raped. But I wasn't afraid to question it. I asked her to swear that she wasn't lying, and she did not get defensive about it and swore. I'm just not sure how women who were almost raped/were rape in the past do react to situations like this when it's happened to them. Could any women here who knows anyone with such incidence tell me?

 

---

 

She invited me out tonight to have dinner with her MM and her best girlfriend, before I knew about this. She wants to have me hang out with her and let her girlfriend distract her husband.

 

I haven't told her, but I have in mind to talk to him about it tonight to get some more confirmation that she's not lying to me. I haven't thought up how I'm going to go about it to get him to come out with the words yet. It's going to require a lot of tact on my part. He thinks I'm her just her best friend, so I could talk to him like two men about sex. I am of course, not going to be throwing any punches. I think first with my head and am more of a defensive than offensive person. I've talked to this guy several times before, and he's a very timid man so I'm not expecting anything physical going on.

 

-

 

She has also promised me to leave him within 2 months (possibly sooner) using that time so could properly separate from him to move in with me. We shall see.

Edited February 24, 2013 by ViresSanctity

[Pierre]

If you were in a serious relationship with a married man or woman, do you find it acceptable for them to being having sex with their married partner?

 

If they tell you they don't have sex with their partners anymore, do you think that it's realistic to believe them? Then when they do, do you think it's acceptable that they've lied?

 

 

 

I broke up with my MW Thursday, after she confessed that she had sex with him once last month. This was right after she cried and drank herself to death, thinking I was having sex with other girls while with her (which I wasn't.) I wasn't sure if we were having an open relationship back then to be honest. But she told me she can't accept that from me, and so we reached an agreement that we'd only be having sex with each other.

 

Our relationship has gotten a lot more hectic since then. We'd call each other every night and morning to check on each other to see where we're at. I have a hard time believing a man and a woman can sleep with each other every night and not have sex. But she had me believing it for 2 months that she didn't. She'd call me every night at 8:30-9 and talk until she sleeps. Then once again when she wakes up before getting ready for work.

 

 

 

Now she tells me how I can expect a man and a woman to sleep every night with each other and not have sex. She cried about it and made us promise and now she's turning it on me.

 

Well I broke up with her and told her what she did broke my trust and she can go sex him up all she wants.

 

Now she's begging for me to come back and wants one chance to explain herself. I'm seeing her tomorrow in the morning.

 

Why not have sex with a single woman?

 

Even if MOW was not having intercourse, she was still living with her H and sleeping in the same bed. There were likely sharing farts under the covers.

 

What is going on with you? Why are you doing this?

 

How could you be this naive?

[Pierre]

She invited me out tonight to have dinner with her MM and her best girlfriend, before I knew about this. She wants to have me hang out with her and let her girlfriend distract her husband.

 

I haven't told her, but I have in mind to talk to him about it tonight to get some more confirmation that she's not lying to me. I haven't thought up how I'm going to go about it to get him to come out with the words yet. It's going to require a lot of tact on my part. He thinks I'm her just her best friend, so I could talk to him like two men about sex. I am of course, not going to be throwing any punches. I think first with my head and am more of a defensive than offensive person. I've talked to this guy several times before, and he's a very timid man so I'm not expecting anything physical going on.

 

-

 

She has also promised me to leave him within 2 months (possibly sooner) using that time so could properly separate from him to move in with me. We shall see.

 

Are you sure you are not a woman trapped in a man's body. I thought men werte a bit more logic about EMRs.

[ViresSanctity]

Are you sure you are not a woman trapped in a man's body. I thought men werte a bit more logic about EMRs.

 

EMR = Electronic Medical Records?

[ViresSanctity]

Why not have sex with a single woman?

 

Even if MOW was not having intercourse, she was still living with her H and sleeping in the same bed. There were likely sharing farts under the covers.

 

What is going on with you? Why are you doing this?

 

How could you be this naive?

 

I've had sex with plenty of single women. Who you fall in love with though is not a choice.

[anne1707]

EMR = Electronic Medical Records?

 

EMR = Extra Marital Relationship

 

[ViresSanctity]

The farts might be a deal breaker though

[Pierre]

I've had sex with plenty of single women. Who you fall in love with though is not a choice.

 

We tend to want what we cannot have. So this married woman is a challenge. If she was not married and banging her H you would get bored with her.

 

Once a conquest is made and she is around you 24/7 the butterflies start to diminish.

 

A married woman can never be fully yours so you will always have the butterflies.

 

YOu need to get out now. She is using you and lying to you big time.

 

You are as naive as the average OW that comes to the forum. That is why I asked if you were a woman trapped in a man's body.

 

If you said you simply banged the MW and walk away I would understand.

[spice4life]

A lot of OW here seem to accept and expect that their MM/xMM were still having sex with their MW.

 

Does this have something more to do with what is culturally acceptable i.e. men have stronger sexual urges and are less prone to control their impulses? They can have sex while devoid of emotions with another person, while be completely immersed with their emotions while they make love to the one they love.

 

I've not heard any men come straight about their MW/xMW having sex with their MM. Is this because of our ego, socially unacceptable that women are sexual creatures, and/or because it's less likely that a woman would have sex with a man they no longer have feelings for?

 

As a woman, no, I could not have sex with a man I did not have feeling for.

[snowflakes88]

Thank you! We went at it one afternoon, I told him I want some more, he said he might be able to do something with her later. I

 

Eww. + mandatory characters.

[spice4life]

I just got home from having a conversation with my MW, letting her explain what happened during her last sexual encounter with her MM.

 

 

 

I'm on the fence about this, not because I doubt her character. She is by nature not a very sexual person as I have found in the 5-6 months knowing her. She will do whatever I ask her to do in bed, but even when drunk she never engages. I have always told her that I loved everything about her, but her lack of sexual drive. She promised me she would become better with time if I am patient with her and over the past several weeks, she has improved in bed. She is still very shy about it.

 

I'm on the fence because I don't know what to make of the situation.

 

 

The conversation started out with me telling her, "There's nothing you can explain at this moment that could bring me back to you. The trust has been broken. But I'll give you your moment so humor me."

 

 

She has been trying to tell me but was not sure how to come out with it. Basically her MM had woken her up at 12-1am after I had finished talking to her on the phone. He was drunk that night. He tried to tear off her clothes and force her into having sex with him. She tells me that before he could stick it in, she cried and screamed so he stopped.

 

She tells me that he has promised her to never touch her again. She only sees him as a friend according to her.

 

Because she tells me that I had been pressuring her about the issue, that she just blurted out that she wanted it so I would stop asking and let it go. She did not want me to find her MM and punch him. She tells me she worries that since she's known him for 6 years, and he is married to her, she does not want me to think badly of him despite his action.

 

Why then did she come out and tell me they had sex the first time I asked her? Because she said, she was really drunk that night (I did feed her a lot of alcohol), and she was not sure why she told it to me like that. She said she didn't like it and pushed him off, but she was not sure why she worded it like that. I'm effy on this part.

 

I think that part of me wants to believe that she did not want the sex. But the part about him not sticking it in yet when we talked today, is a lie. She did after all say that had sex the first time I asked.

 

I am not very happy with of course hearing that she was almost/was raped. But I wasn't afraid to question it. I asked her to swear that she wasn't lying, and she did not get defensive about it and swore. I'm just not sure how women who were almost raped/were rape in the past do react to situations like this when it's happened to them. Could any women here who knows anyone with such incidence tell me?

 

---

 

She invited me out tonight to have dinner with her MM and her best girlfriend, before I knew about this. She wants to have me hang out with her and let her girlfriend distract her husband.

 

I haven't told her, but I have in mind to talk to him about it tonight to get some more confirmation that she's not lying to me. I haven't thought up how I'm going to go about it to get him to come out with the words yet. It's going to require a lot of tact on my part. He thinks I'm her just her best friend, so I could talk to him like two men about sex. I am of course, not going to be throwing any punches. I think first with my head and am more of a defensive than offensive person. I've talked to this guy several times before, and he's a very timid man so I'm not expecting anything physical going on.

 

-

 

She has also promised me to leave him within 2 months (possibly sooner) using that time so could properly separate from him to move in with me. We shall see.

 

You should really read your post above again and ask yourself, "is this nuts?" before you put yourself in this situation. You are actually going to sit down and have dinner with the husband of the woman you are having sex with? And try to find out if his wife lied about having sex with him? Do you not see how crazy that is?

 

First of all, she is married to him and if they have sex that is their business. Secondly, going to dinner with them and on top of it all trying to find out if she is lying from her own husband is manipulative and sick. Having an affair with her is bad enough, but lowering yourself to that level to get answers is crazy. Sorry to sound harsh, but you both need to have your heads examined.

 

To answer your other question about a woman being pressured to have sex and refusing it...it can and does happen. If I were her, knowing what I know now, I would tell you to believe whatever you want and to pound sand. As long as I know I told the truth I wouldn't care what you think. I've seen a situation like this before and I would say and do now what I should have said and done back then and it would be, "F**k you" and would walk away. This whole situation lacks integrity, completely, and I would stop the roller coaster, get off and get my head straight if I were you.

 

If you want to be able to trust then stop the madness now and wait until the relationship can be in the open and real before you lay out your expectations. While she is still married all bets are off because face it, her husband has an advantage over you...they live together. If you want to continue with the crazy making stuff while they live under the same roof then go ahead. That's your choice. It's a painful way to live though. If she wants you she will show you through actions and that is all you can really count on at this point.

Edited February 24, 2013 by spice4life