Nkpace Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 My husband likes to go out on the weekend with some of his single guy friends. They take a cab and go to a few bars or clubs. Once or twice he has gone with them to a strip club and not told me about it.The problem is that he will get invited to go and then ask my permission "is it ok if I go?" I don't like having to decide because if I say no then I know he will be at home with me even though he doesn't want to be. But if I say yes I feel like I am allowing him to go out, drink too much and spend money we don't have at a bar or strip club. He has invited me to come with them but I just end up being a witness to his drinking too much and it made me uncomfortable. I'm just not sure what to do.
2sure Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 You need to tell him that you aren't comfortable with it for the reson as you said or even other reasons if you have them. Tell him how you feel so that he doesn't put you in the position of saying its OK with you if it isn't. For him to "ask" you after he has been invited is rediculous. he should answer for himself. but if you're not OK with it , don't be. 2
moomin Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I think you have a right to be concerned here. I frequent these places after a night out and the girls sometimes can offer more than just dancing. Secondly, its the money thing and this is the one thing I feel bad about as you can easily spend a lot of money. If he is moaning about having no money for holidays etc but can spend say 100 - 200 at the 'club' then he is basically financially betraying you as this is your money to be spent together + above needs to be considered too. I would say this to him.. If he wants to go looking at women then fine but he is not allowed to pay for private dances and I would also state that you are going to go to a male one with the girls too and see how he reacts to that. Good luck 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Suggest something else that he might like that you could do together. Then maybe both of you will be happy? But also be honest that it makes you uncomfortable. He needs to know that. 1
todreaminblue Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 i had an ex , who liked to go outwith signle friends, eh ended up cheating on me quite regularly, i let him go out for the simple fact i didnt want him to be somewhere he didnt want to be, which stood as spending friday nights with me or saturday nights or week day sometimes...not all in one week you get the picture...i cant cling......and i didnt when our relationship ended oen fo the things he said to em was i want tsoemoen to go out drinking at the club with ...a piss poor excuse.......he knew i couldnt drink my body rebels.......i didtn particularly like a heap of drunk guys carrying on either....but i said to him if that is oen reason ill have a lemonade or a coke ill come with you ...he declined and i sadi thats it then.......and yep fifteen years see ya ...he was having an affair though.......i dotn think its right fro married guys or girls for that matter to go out with signle friends all the time not to bars and clubs...activities not involving alcohol yes. even then if i was in a relationship my enjoyment comes from spending time with a loving partner dotn know about you but sounds like bliss to me.......its goodto have friends and as i said i am not a clingy person if soemone wants to do something i let them, i think some time apart is not bad.....cant say that i think every weekend is a good idea.... for you i advise be honest alcohol has habit of impairing judgement...and its not entirely relationship savvy to go on drinking binges with single mates....in my opinion tell him how you feel, if he loves you truly he will want to compromise and be mindful of how it makes you feel....deb
Mr. Lucky Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 But if I say yes I feel like I am allowing him to go out, drink too much and spend money we don't have at a bar or strip club. He has invited me to come with them but I just end up being a witness to his drinking too much and it made me uncomfortable. I'm just not sure what to do. Spending money you don't have? At a strip club? While he gets drunk with his friends? How about telling him to quit acting like a dirtbag and start acting like a husband? Reminding him of the "above all others" part of his vows where he stops being a frat boy and starts building a life together with you. That's where I'd start... Do you have kids together? Mr. Lucky 2
KathyM Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 He's living a single lifestyle, and for some reason you are allowing it. A married man does not, or should not, go out to bars to hang out with his single friends while his wife sits home alone. Plan to spend time together as a couple doing fun things on the weekends. He can find some other things to do with his friends that doesn't involve strip clubs or bars. You need to set the boundary with him, and expect him to behave like a married man. 1
dj572 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I have to agree with Mr Lucky. I personally don't think a strip club is a place for a married man. I also don't think it's right for him to be spending money if you don't have it to spend. He should be spending time with you in my opinion. Sounds like he needs to grow up and be responsible.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Getting drunk at a strip club is innapropriate for a married man. My husband sometimes goes to the bar with his friends (and asks permission too, which I find weird as well) but doesn't get drunk or go anywhere that would be innapropraite for a married man. I think you need to talk to him about the strip club. Maybe compromise in that he goes to just a plain bar for a few hours and has a couple drinks? Then you are not denying him social guy behavior, but also making your boundaries known.
Fallen Petals Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 If he's asking then he's giving you the opportunity to speak up and say no. If you say yes and he is there then you are giving up the right to complain about him going out and doing SINGLE MAN things with his single friends. If you complain when it eventually becomes too much he'll just say "I asked, didn't I?" If you don't like your husband going about town acting like a single man then you need to tell him so. If he wants to hang out with his buddies what is wrong with them coming over for poker at your house? Or finding couple friends? My mother taught me there are two things a married man should not be doing if he wants to stay faithful - one is spending inordinate amount of time with his friends in bars/clubs/etc, and the other is allowing himself to be put in compromising positions - drinking while away from you is one of them. 1
Feelin Frisky Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Technically, he's being considerate in a jackass kind of way. I agree that you should have a talk with him but not about whther he asks or not. Make it about maturity and respect and how that behavior damages things. Married dudes give that stuff up (unless they are arrested development or unhappy in the relationship). Try to put it in terms that he can see makes him look foolish so it doesn't come off as you trying to assert restricting authority over him. And, who are these "friends"? 1
ver13 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 At least he is asking some men would just go and do it as for the getting drunk and wasting the funds he needs awake up call. His friends are single and only have to worry about themselves he has responsibilities. Tell him how it makes you feel when he comes home blasted and semi-broke from the girl bar. He needs to know that you really don't like this what so ever.
ToGuy Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 He's living a single lifestyle, and for some reason you are allowing it. A married man does not, or should not, go out to bars to hang out with his single friends while his wife sits home alone. Plan to spend time together as a couple doing fun things on the weekends. He can find some other things to do with his friends that doesn't involve strip clubs or bars. You need to set the boundary with him, and expect him to behave like a married man. This is the reason many men don't get married. Having fun with friends is life. The only issue I have is he is spending money you don't have. Is it HIS money, YOUR money, or JOINT money?? And why don't you go out with your friends, and have night that you enjoy?
Mr. Lucky Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 This is the reason many men don't get married. Having fun with friends is life. Having fun with friends is life. Blowing cash you don't have in a strip club whilst drunk is not... Mr. Lucky 1
ToGuy Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Having fun with friends is life. Blowing cash you don't have in a strip club whilst drunk is not... Mr. Lucky I agree, blowing cash you don't have to not smart. You missed my next line "...issue I have is he is spending money you don't have..."
Nyla Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Your husband is asking your permission to be inconsiderate and immature. Why should a married man be spending every weekend out with his friends, especially at a strip club? Married people should spend most of their downtime together; your husband is not married to his friends. Don't let your husband treat you this way. Refuse to "give him permission" to act like he is single with no responsibilites. Spouses should be able to have a social life outside of marriage, but not excessive time spent with friends doing unacceptable things. The next time your husband asks your permission, tell him no and explain why. If he continues to spend every weekend with his friends going to strip clubs, you will know that he doesn't care about your feelings.
Fallen Petals Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 This is the reason many men don't get married. Having fun with friends is life. The only issue I have is he is spending money you don't have. Is it HIS money, YOUR money, or JOINT money?? And why don't you go out with your friends, and have night that you enjoy? If a man wants to be single he should be single. Getting married a man commits to make his wife his best friend and considering her feelings on how he spends his time. I don't know if this is a troll post since OP hasn't returned, so I don't want to feed TOO much into it - but I will say this - I highly doubt he'd be ok with her going out with her girlfriends to places where girls commonly get picked up on by other men on a regular basis...so, unless they have an open marriage, he should behave more like a married man. If he wants to behave like a single man then he should become single again.
effie Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 (edited) You need to tell him that you aren't comfortable with it for the reson as you said or even other reasons if you have them. Tell him how you feel so that he doesn't put you in the position of saying its OK with you if it isn't. For him to "ask" you after he has been invited is rediculous. he should answer for himself. but if you're not OK with it , don't be. I agree with this. My husband and I tell each other what we are doing. When my husband asks my permission to do something it is either: 1. A statement phrased as a question (which is fine because I do this too; i.e. My book club is meeting Tuesday the 12th, is that OK?, which really means I'm going to book club Tuesday the 12th, unless you give me a solid reason why that won't work out) 2. He doesn't want to do something but he doesn't want to say no himself, so he is looking to make me the bad guy (like he doesn't feel like going to the gym with his buddy after work) or 3. He wants to go do something, but he knows I will have a problem with it (say, going out binge drinking with his single friends), but the only "right" answer is yes of course....if he respected you, and knows you don't like it, he would just tell them no, instead of putting you in the position of having to tell him no and police him. Sometimes there is option 4. He "asks permission" because it is something he plans on doing anyways and he knows that I won't have a problem with it, so he gets to look like he is being the good guy by checking with his wife first (like going on ski trips with the guys, or when we are both invited, but he received the invitation and not both of us or me, like a double date or birthday party) Edited March 7, 2013 by effie
Dragonfruit Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) My husband and I consult each other first on things that are iffy. To me, it's respect. As a side note, a lot of guys who don't like confinement do an abrupt turn around when it comes to allowing their wives the same freedom. Everything is for each couple to work out and hopefully they know what they're getting into. OP, he has asked you a question. Answer him, right? If you don't like it, tell him that and tell him how you feel, your reasons. I would talk to him before he goes out again so you're not put on the spot by a phone call and set up to be the shrew who spoiled the fun. But I find it hard to put the guy down when he has asked and been told yes. We know plenty of couples where a couple of times a month, the husband goes out with his friends and the wife goes out with hers, they get wild and they like it that way. To me it's just whatever the couple is happy with. Edited March 10, 2013 by Dragonfruit
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