Having an affair with a woman has resulted in her pregnancy

[arty2013]

I have been having an affair with a married woman since 4 years. Only since last 2 years we have been having sex though. We use to have protected sex all the time. But since last 2 months we began to have unprotected sex. Few days ago I was inside her for a very long time. I had not ejaculated but there were certainly few drops of semen inside her. (She did say that she felt my semen inside her). Few days ago she called me saying that her periods have stopped and that it was the 13th day on which we made love.

 

Her marriage itself is a strange story. She is from a well to do family and is married in to a well to do family. She is married for the last 5 years. I have even visited her house a few times as her friend. Her husband was not staying with her for the last four years. She said that her husband told her after they got married, that he does not love her and purposely left the job and got a similar job in a far away city. So she was staying here with her aged in laws instead. I used to hear in her house that her husband rarely comes. For 4 years they never had sex she used to say.

But there was pressure from her mother and her mother took up the matter that they need to have a grandchild, with her son in law. Last year my girl friend said that her hubby has agreed to try for child and that he is coming back to stay with her and his parents. But after he came back , she said that things were not progressing towards sex. During that time the meetings between her and me became much more frequent. Earlier we would have sex once in a month, but after her husband came back, me and my girlfriend were having sex once per week. And six months back she told me that it was found that she was having infertility problem and was undergoing treatment. She also said that she was now having sex with her husband and that they were also following doctor's treatment to get pregnant. That time strangely me and she began to have sex twice per week, before that it used to be once per week. And two months back accidentally we had unprotected sex. Since then we have been having unprotected sex five times per week.

And few days ago the incident of her loosing periods has happened. I asked her how can she be sure that it was due to us, as she was going steady with her husband on sex. She said they had tried artificial insemination, but that had failed. She said doctor who was treating her infertility had advised on the 13th day of her period to try. And it was on the 13th day that me and she had sex.

She said she is very happy with pregnancy and thanked me saying that she is having happiness after a long time in her life. I expressed my delight about her pergnancy and said that we need to celebrate. Then she told me to get married to a suitable girl and settle in life. She also asked me whether I will be with her( she meant herself).

Later I criticized her a lot for telling me to marry someone else. She was upset in the evening and said that she thought that I would be happy that she was pregnant. But since I was upset, she said that she would not want it anymore and never. Also she said that since it looked to her that I wanted kids later and not now, she said that she would not have child now.

She was very upset, and I consoled her and said to her that I wanted her to get pregnant. And then she kept asking me whether I will be with her. I assured that I will be with her. I then did not want to speak with her negatively, because, when I had heavily criticized for few days, five months ago - for she choosing to be with her husband, she had felt stressed. She had felt uneasy and at that time she was advised to avoid stress by the doctor. She was feeling suicidal and later had fell unconscious with her feet and hands turned cold and doctors had said it was fatal. By gods grace she had recovered well after that. So now I don't want to speak harsh to her.

All said and done, I feel she telling me to marry some else is perfectly fine. This is because her life will change from now onward due to her pregnancy and there is no point in me wasting time for her. But she also asks me to be with her. But I don't know how can that be possible, as during her pregnancy she will be taken care of by her family. And also when the child is born, irrespective of whether it is biologically my child or her husband's, it will be still be cared and raised by her husband.

So I feel like cutting off myself completely from her. Is that good enough? I am currently 30 and not everything is lost though.

Edited February 23, 2013 by arty2013
corrections

[TaraMaiden]

One: Has she had medical tests to confirm pregnancy?

 

Two: if so, you will have to wait for childbirth to determine whether this child is really yours, or actually her husband's.

 

Which culture are you from?

You are clearly not English-speaking as a first language.

[arty2013]

Hi..we are Hindus. She is yet to undergo medical tests. Right now it is only her confidence in her calculations during her period that has made her feel that the pregnancy is due to me.

[TaraMaiden]

What is the position for women who indulge in an adulterous relationship and become pregnant by their lover?

 

I should not think society would look very favourably on her behaviour...?

Would this not bring shame upon her and her families?

 

Would her husband not condemn her?

 

Please do nothing until such a time as her pregnancy is medically and officially confirmed.

[LFH]

Why did you not consider that having unprotected sex with a woman undergoing fertility treatments would most likely end up in pregnancy?

[tulip80]

Lots of judgment here lol..You guys..he already got her pregnant (or so we think)..Let's move past that. Now what to do..what's the right thing to do?

[arty2013]

Yeah...In any other situation in this kind of an affair, I think it would have been perfectly right to back off totally from the relationship. But here, since she is happy that she has got over infertility problems due to me and also asks me whether I can be with her, that causes dilemma. And she feels that that I need to marry someone else and settle down in life well, for my own happiness and her's as well.

I used to wonder whether I should just end all communication or rather be just little patient since she is saying that she wants to experience this happiness that I have brought to her by getting her pregnant.

TaraMaden's advice is to wait till my lover's pregnancy is medically confirmed. I think it is a good idea. Moreover if pregnancy is confirmed, it will be at the most three months before she will start staying in her house all the time and will also be taken care by her family for the one year after that. So there will be no question of our relationship continuing during that period.

But is there anything that I need to do here? After all the baby will be raised by both her and her husband. Do I need to give her moral support? Looks like that is needed of me by her. I don't want to ask these things to her, because she will feel that I am calculating in my mind about the risks of baby, and she may decide not to have the baby if I keep asking her too many things about her pregnancy. I think it is her privilege to have the baby(that would have been mine as well, if she wanted me to raise the baby together with her). She has been yearning for a baby since years. Also she has been very sensitive to any of my insensitive queries, since the time she felt she has got pregnant due to me. So if I miscalculate and press for answer for some tough question to her, I know how drastic it may prove to her.

Edited February 24, 2013 by arty2013

[whichwayisup]

If she really is pregnant, a paternity test must be done. You and her husband both have a chance here of being the father.

 

Question - What happens if you are the father? Does she plan on hiding this from her husband or will she divorce him and come to you? If you are not the father, you need to step away and end the A, let her go.

[arty2013]

Yes. If I don't turn out be the father, I definitely need to end the relationship, as I have now seen the possibilities arising out of this affair.

If I turn out to be father, only a few of the things may change. Her maternity feelings for her baby may make her wish that I provide all the affection to her baby and herself(or rather say my baby in her womb), ie starting from her pregnancy period itself. And most probably this will be just like some moral support and not more than that, since we are not going to stay together anyway.

She may tell her husband that she has borne his baby after the tests will be confirmed. I don't know whether they had sex anytime within five days just before that 13th day. She just told that artificial insemination with her husband had failed. I did not ask her when they had tried that. Even if the pregnancy may not be due to her husband, I think he will still believe it is their child as he doesn't really know that she is making it with me.

Important point is her husband did accept to fulfill her wishes and has been trying with her for her pregnancy since may be 8 -9 months. That he is putting some effort to set his family all right, is the most notable thing here. This will definitely make his wife feel that, with her he may get better in the future. So even if the child may be born as a result of her and my union, that will not stop her to give chance to her husband to improve on his responsibility towards her. This will mean that she will stay with him, no matter what. And last but not the least, the opportunities that the baby will bring for her family will be multiple. She and her husband will be more together, loving their child, going out(they rarely go out together. I do accompany her everywhere that she wants to go. Otherwise it will be somebody else accompanying her but not her husband), he calling her often on phone(the last four years I have never seen her husband calling her, or she talking to him on phone. I have seen she talking to her friends, elders though). And she gaining more self respect as a result of that. If the things work exactly like this, then nothing will stop our relationship from being over. And if they do not, then she will put all her efforts to stop our relationship from being over.

Edited February 24, 2013 by arty2013

[arty2013]

A man and a woman get married and begin to have sex. The wife will be fully aware that the child that is born to her will be fathered by her husband.

Hence when she is having sex regularly with her husband, if she develops a sexual relationship with another man too, she will definitely know one thing.

That, the child that possibly may be born due to her extramarital affair will still be fathered by her husband. This is according to the understanding between the wife and her husband. Any marriage implicitly means this. Only the case may be that, out of the married couple, only the woman will know who actually made her pregnant. The husband will not have any clue. But if the child is born, he will father it, as marriage means that, among other things.

So, if a guy has an affair with a married woman and a child is born to that woman, he can not claim to be the child's father, since the child will be fathered by its mother's husband anyway. So the guy is just a donor of sperms and can not be a father to the child.

Hence applying this theory to my situation, I guess I can say to my girlfriend that I have got nothing to do about her pregnancy/ baby. This I can say to her when she asks me whether I can be with her, whether I will take care of her etc.

Is it alright? Is it OK to be supportive of the woman when everything was seeming rosy in the affair and turn the back once she says she is bearing a child of mine? Or is it rather inhuman to say things like that? Any thoughts guys / ladies?

[whichwayisup]

Not sure if English is your second language or not?

 

If you are the father, her husband needs to know the truth. For so many reasons obviously, but one important one - Medically!! God forbid that baby gets ill, needs a blood transfusion or a transplant. Her husband could never donate because he wouldn't be a match. Think about that!

 

Also, her cheating on her husband and getting pregnant by you (IF the paternity tests show you are the father) he has a right to know the truth so he can decide if he wants to be around or not. He may very well choose to end his marriage and divorce.

[ThatJustHappened]

I have been having an affair with a married woman since 4 years. Only since last 2 years we have been having sex though. We use to have protected sex all the time. But since last 2 months we began to have unprotected sex. Few days ago I was inside her for a very long time. I had not ejaculated but there were certainly few drops of semen inside her. (She did say that she felt my semen inside her). Few days ago she called me saying that her periods have stopped and that it was the 13th day on which we made love.

 

Her marriage itself is a strange story. She is from a well to do family and is married in to a well to do family. She is married for the last 5 years. I have even visited her house a few times as her friend. Her husband was not staying with her for the last four years. She said that her husband told her after they got married, that he does not love her and purposely left the job and got a similar job in a far away city. So she was staying here with her aged in laws instead. I used to hear in her house that her husband rarely comes. For 4 years they never had sex she used to say.

But there was pressure from her mother and her mother took up the matter that they need to have a grandchild, with her son in law. Last year my girl friend said that her hubby has agreed to try for child and that he is coming back to stay with her and his parents. But after he came back , she said that things were not progressing towards sex. During that time the meetings between her and me became much more frequent. Earlier we would have sex once in a month, but after her husband came back, me and my girlfriend were having sex once per week. And six months back she told me that it was found that she was having infertility problem and was undergoing treatment. She also said that she was now having sex with her husband and that they were also following doctor's treatment to get pregnant. That time strangely me and she began to have sex twice per week, before that it used to be once per week. And two months back accidentally we had unprotected sex. Since then we have been having unprotected sex five times per week.

And few days ago the incident of her loosing periods has happened. I asked her how can she be sure that it was due to us, as she was going steady with her husband on sex. She said they had tried artificial insemination, but that had failed. She said doctor who was treating her infertility had advised on the 13th day of her period to try. And it was on the 13th day that me and she had sex.

She said she is very happy with pregnancy and thanked me saying that she is having happiness after a long time in her life. I expressed my delight about her pergnancy and said that we need to celebrate. Then she told me to get married to a suitable girl and settle in life. She also asked me whether I will be with her( she meant herself).

Later I criticized her a lot for telling me to marry someone else. She was upset in the evening and said that she thought that I would be happy that she was pregnant. But since I was upset, she said that she would not want it anymore and never. Also she said that since it looked to her that I wanted kids later and not now, she said that she would not have child now.

She was very upset, and I consoled her and said to her that I wanted her to get pregnant. And then she kept asking me whether I will be with her. I assured that I will be with her. I then did not want to speak with her negatively, because, when I had heavily criticized for few days, five months ago - for she choosing to be with her husband, she had felt stressed. She had felt uneasy and at that time she was advised to avoid stress by the doctor. She was feeling suicidal and later had fell unconscious with her feet and hands turned cold and doctors had said it was fatal. By gods grace she had recovered well after that. So now I don't want to speak harsh to her.

All said and done, I feel she telling me to marry some else is perfectly fine. This is because her life will change from now onward due to her pregnancy and there is no point in me wasting time for her. But she also asks me to be with her. But I don't know how can that be possible, as during her pregnancy she will be taken care of by her family. And also when the child is born, irrespective of whether it is biologically my child or her husband's, it will be still be cared and raised by her husband.

So I feel like cutting off myself completely from her. Is that good enough? I am currently 30 and not everything is lost though.

 

How does one accidentally have unprotected sex? Did you slip on a banana peel naked and fall into her vagina?

[arty2013]

@bentnotbroken and whichwayisup: I was using the word father / fathered to mean the one who actually brings up the child. And I was not using the word father to mean the biological father. But yeah, what both of you said makes a lot of sense. Now I understand why my girlfriend is talking to me with more concern about things like my job. Actually my head was swirling in the other direction and I was feeling like giving her my theory. But after reading your posts, I feel I need to get responsible.

@ThatJustHappened: She always used to insist for protective sex. She used to say that she wanted the progeny of her husband and if instead she got pregnant by me, she would have to answer back at home. But one day when she was still insisting me to wear condom, I just entered her. And then she just stopped praying me to wear condom. And after that incident, she never again asked me to wear condom. I had bought a big pack of condoms just before that day. Now they are all just lying in the shelf.

[spice4life]

How does one accidentally have unprotected sex? Did you slip on a banana peel naked and fall into her vagina?

 

LOL!!! Thanks, I needed a good laugh.

[Lillyfree]

]I couldn't decipher these posts without having seizures, so I had to depend on what I COULD manage to comprehend.

 

So, there's no retribution for cheaters like you two in your village? No caning, no stoning, no dismemberment or anything like that? Just curious.[/b]

 

Sounds to me as though she was using you for your sperm since her husband has fertility problems. And now that you knocked up Pollyana, she's telling you to go find a little girlfriend and get married. That means she wants you GONE. She just needed you to get her pregnant.

 

Aint she a charmer, passing off her FWB's spawn as her husband's? She's a disgusting excuse for a human being and an embarrassment to the female gender.

 

i agree with the second part of your post, that is what i would say most likely happened. she wanted a baby, her husband couldn't provide what she wanted so she went elsewhhere.

 

however, the bolded.... wow. not everyone speaks 'murican and i believe that OP is managing to be eloquent enough to get his point across. maybe being on a forum where people from all over the world post requires some tolerance?

the bit about stoning and dismemberment?! really? so completely unnecessary. and quite off-putting.

[2sure]

Five months ago you spoke to her in a critical way regarding why she is choosing to stay with her husband.

 

She became upset and passed out, saw her doctor and the doctor told her she passed out due to stress and that it could have been fatal.

 

She is manipulating you and is telling you lies.

 

People don't die because someone upsets them.

[arty2013]

I'm not trying to defend her now...But it was the doctor's fault mainly. Doc had put her on medicines that were highly risky. You can call that as an ineptitude of the doc. After my girlfriend recovered from that fatal unconsciousness, she was advised by her family to look for some other doctor. And that worked. She has not again suffered from stress related problems.

I had admitted her to the hospital when she had fallen unconscious.

She had protected sex with me for close to two years. Only recent two months she started having unprotected sex with me.

Definitely she would have thought about having baby from me, but that may not be the only reason. I think, just like any other married woman in an extra marital affair, she also wanted love, affection, attention, care etc but without any added risk. Yeah, now she wants me out, as she wants to completely cut down the risk from her life. Or rather say, it may be for her now, "Mission accomplished"

[2sure]

Sounds like she really wanted to get pregnant while her husband was in town.

[ThatJustHappened]

@bentnotbroken and whichwayisup: I was using the word father / fathered to mean the one who actually brings up the child. And I was not using the word father to mean the biological father. But yeah, what both of you said makes a lot of sense. Now I understand why my girlfriend is talking to me with more concern about things like my job. Actually my head was swirling in the other direction and I was feeling like giving her my theory. But after reading your posts, I feel I need to get responsible.

@ThatJustHappened: She always used to insist for protective sex. She used to say that she wanted the progeny of her husband and if instead she got pregnant by me, she would have to answer back at home. But one day when she was still insisting me to wear condom, I just entered her. And then she just stopped praying me to wear condom. And after that incident, she never again asked me to wear condom. I had bought a big pack of condoms just before that day. Now they are all just lying in the shelf.

 

So..you didn't accidentally have unprotected sex with a married woman. You intentionally had sex with a married woman and ignored the fact that she could get pregnant until it happened. And now you're screwed.

[ThatJustHappened]

LOL!!! Thanks, I needed a good laugh.

 

My pleasure!

 

I cannot stand it when people say they accidentally had sex. It's not possible to have sex by accident so stop using that as an excuse and wrap your schmeckles!!!

[MidwestUSA]

There would be a bright side here if sperm donations were tax deductible. Honestly couldn't decipher much beyond that.