72 hour NC

[Mack05]

I was really sad reading this thread this morning Chloe. I mean this isn't the behaviour of a 20 year old. If I am to go by your name you are 32/33?

 

It's extremely sad you are looking for validation from a guy using you for sex who doesn't even know your name. Can I tell you from a guys perspective that there is no way I would want a relationship with a 'doormat' and this is exactly how he views you. Sure if a guy wants a hookup for cheap sex, where he has to make little effort then sure. But to look to form a relationship and take things on further. Not a chance.

 

I don't want to sound cruel Chloe cause as I said previously you seem like a genuine sweet girl, but if you don't do something NOW you are heading towards the abyss. A sad and lonely existence. How do I know? Cause I ended up there.

 

I was a confident, well educated, handsome, successful, popular guy. Within 5 years I was broke, overweight, lonely and sad. It's NEVER too late. I am 37. I have clawed and scratched my way SLOWLY back. It's been a long road and it's still hard. Still not where I used to be.

 

Please don't end up like me. You need to take action now. Ok your in counselling, but I have to wonder how good your therapist is, if you STILL want validation from this guy. Google web about articles on how to boost self esteem. Ways that come to mind are exercise, reconnecting with god, making a HUGE effort with family and friends, volunteering, look for a career/job change etc etc. There are articles out there that will work for you.

 

You need to make life changing alternations now Chloe. The time for self pity and "why me" are over..

[Chloe1980]

Dear all,

 

Thank you for all the advices received, I'm taking them into consideration.

I understand my behavior was unacceptable, but I thought it was not safe to share all my info yet with him, as he was clearly a player. He didnt show much interest either in knowing me. He never asked me what my hobbies were, or about my family, nothing. It was always me asking him.

 

I didnt want a serious relationship, just someone who could care about me. I didnt ask him to marry me, or even to be loyal, because I knew from the beginning he wasnt looking for something serious. But he couldnt even give me affection.

 

Nevermind, I dont know why I am still wasting my time writing about a person who, since the beginning, showed his true colors. It was me who couldnt see the truth, who thought he was going to change...How stupid I was!

 

I'm in day 4 NC. Still thinking he will contact me, I dont know how to change this sick thoughts. Ugh. I'm reading the book (How to break your addiction...) and its really good. It is helping me a lot to understand why I become addicted to a unhealthy relationship.

[destroyed4sho]

What's more private your name or what's inbetween your legs?

 

I would suggest you go and get checked for STD's first because this doesn't sound like a very healthy sex partner if you know what i mean.

 

I think if i were him Id be getting tested too.....

Chloe...u have casual sex with someone and dont give them at least your name? WHAT?

What did he call you? "yo, woman"

 

A.re you married? Under a police protection program? An fugitive?

If you arent any of the above...you have some.MAJOR trust issues.

 

How can you love.someone and not.want to.open up.to.them?

Im.lost...

[Mack05]

 

I didnt want a serious relationship, just someone who could care about me. I didnt ask him to marry me, or even to be loyal, because I knew from the beginning he wasnt looking for something serious. But he couldnt even give me affection.

 

 

Chloe your thinking is all wrong here. Not only that you are fooling yourself. A quote I love and have used many times on this site.

 

"Fooling others is a serious business but when you fool yourself it becomes fatal"

 

Now let's get to the underlying issue here. Question 1) You are 32/33? Can I ask why you are not looking for a serious relationship? 2) If you are giving a guy cheap no strings sex, why do you think he will want to 'care' for you? 3) How can you be 'addicted' to a guy you are not even in a relationship with?

 

Now I have had one FWB 'relationship' before which we kept to ourselves. It was with a former work colleague. Both highly attracted to each other, we got on great personality wise, both out of very long term relationships, both knew that a) we wouldn't be a good match as a couple and b) we would be honest if there was any change to the situation.

 

It worked out great (which probably surprised me). We had a lot of fun. We texted when neither of us had nothing to do. If one wasn't available, no big deal. If we didn't text for weeks, no big deal. She eventually met a guy. The second she did, she was honest and we finished. I had no probs and wished her well. They are now happily married. We bump into each other from time to time and it's always very cordial. Thats how a FWB is meant to work. One of the 'benefits' is not finding someone who cares for you.

 

I am glad you like the book I recommended. I needed it cause I was losing someone I truly loved, someone I believed I could be happy with under different circumstances. I found it very hard to let go because I had zero self esteem and felt like my last chance of happiness with someone special slipping.

 

I have no idea how you can be so fixated on a guy that doesn't even know your name...That's the question you need to be able to answer and once you have the answer put a plan in place to 'fix' it.

Edited February 25, 2013 by Mack05

[Chloe1980]

Good morning,

 

Mac, I am 32. I initially wasn't looking for something serious, I just broke up with my boyfriend of 14 years a year ago (my decision, and no regrets whatsoever) and I wanted to try something different. He was my second man, so I can say that I'm kinda inexperienced.

So, I met this other guy and I completely got infatuated by him. Sex was great, the best I ever had, he was mysterious, interesting, aloof... I completely felt for him very quickly. I am lonely, no friends or family near, so it was an explosive combination.

I did get attached to him, and after the first weeks I started to consider something more serious, but he just didn't reciprocate. I insisted, and insisted, and he was always there for me, but he wasn't interested at all. It was hard.

But I was already too involved, and every time I tried to go NC, the agony was unbearable. He never cared, never initiated contact, never gave a hint that he was interested. But I insisted. now is 5 days nc, I still think he will contact me, but this thoughts are delusional, I'm aware of that. I am a very vulnerable person right now, but I'm working on being strong.

Those who judge me for my behavior, do t gave any idea of what my life had been, so please don't be so harsh. I'm aware of of my faults and I'm actively working on it.

[Mack05]

Chloe please don't think I (or anyone else) are judging you. I am far from perfect to ever judge anyone on this or any other forum. I don't want to be harsh. I want to help. Part of helping is trying to get the poster to really look at and analyze their own actions. This is very difficult thing to do, because many times you end up self loathing or being negative about yourself.

 

The positive side at truly looking at yourself is becoming self aware as to why we get involved in negative/destructive behaviours. Once we become self aware, we can see the warning signs and save ourselves a lot of heartbreak in the future.

 

I know what it is like to be vulnerable and meet the wrong person. My last ex and I meet at a bad time for both of us. I too looked for validation. My validation was from an abusive, angry, emotionally immature girl. Someone who constantly put me down, never made me feel good about myself. When you need validation from someone like that you know you're proper f*****.

 

From my own experiences, I can tell you the things you need to do to find the kind of care and love you are looking for..

 

1) Love yourself, all of you and find away to be happy inside. This is massive but if you don't the guys like the last guy are the kind of guys you will keep meeting. You will be here every six months with a different story about a different jerk. When we are sad and vulnerable we attract the wrong types.

 

When we are happy, confident and emotionally healthy we meet the right types. Not only that we don't need validation from anyone. We know and truly believe it's their loss. The path to happiness and emotional health (especially when you have been through the ringer) is hard. Certainly harder then I ever thought. Have you though about moving back near family/friends? What's your reason for being alone? If you can't move back home maybe a switch of job/location?

 

2) The next time you meet a guy. Take you time before jumping into bed with him. Building the foundations slowly is IMO the best recipe for long term success...

Edited February 25, 2013 by Mack05

[316]

Yeah I stopped reading at "he doesn't even know my name."

 

You've been given all of the advice you need in this thread OP.

 

The decision to actually utilize the advice or not is up to you.

[Mack05]

Chloe I also think there is more happening under the surface. I'm thinking there is some unresolved stuff with your 14 year old relationship. I know you were happy to move on, but that doesn't mean you have come to terms with and processed everything..14 years is a long time.

 

I certainly think its behind the current vulnerability you are feeling. That security blanket you had for a long time is gone. It's scary in your 30's suddenly being single and away from family. The fact you turned to a guy and he doesn't offer you any kind of comfort/security only makes it worse..

 

I know either way you will figure all this out.

[Chloe1980]

Thank you, Mac, for your words.

It's difficult to love oneself when the person you want rejects you. My self esteem is very low right now.

I was thinking, he doesn't even want me for sex, how bad is that for my self esteem? I mean, I'd never be with him again, but he rejected me and forgot me in a blink...wow. I just cannot understand it, even though I acted like a freak with him but...not even a word... That sucks.

 

I am in day...I don't even know what day it is, tomorrow will be a week since we last met, and since we last had contact, so yes, 6th day NC.

I still have this feeling in my stomach every time every time I remember him. I get a lump in my throat every time I receive a text and I think its him, every time I remember his words, or the feeling I had when I was with him.

I don't cry all the time anymore, maybe once a day...

I want to forget this nightmare.

[Mack05]

Thank you, Mac, for your words.

It's difficult to love oneself when the person you want rejects you. My self esteem is very low right now.

I was thinking, he doesn't even want me for sex, how bad is that for my self esteem? I mean, I'd never be with him again, but he rejected me and forgot me in a blink...wow. I just cannot understand it, even though I acted like a freak with him but...not even a word... That sucks.

 

I am in day...I don't even know what day it is, tomorrow will be a week since we last met, and since we last had contact, so yes, 6th day NC.

I still have this feeling in my stomach every time every time I remember him. I get a lump in my throat every time I receive a text and I think its him, every time I remember his words, or the feeling I had when I was with him.

I don't cry all the time anymore, maybe once a day...

I want to forget this nightmare.

 

Why do you want him though? Good sex? Company? If this is the standard you set yourself, you will be continually disappointed Chloe. It's up to you to aim higher. It's up to you to be happy.

 

Right now it's very much "why me?". This isn't going to get you out of your funk. Until you really want to help yourself nothing will change. You deserve better Chloe. Sitting round hoping some bum (who will never be good for you) will text you is not going to help you...

[Chloe1980]

I'm here again.

After 17 painfully days of NC, he contacted me again three days ago and now I feel broken again.

It was a hard journey for me, but I was overcoming depression, started to focus more, I enrolled in the gym, looking for jobs (tomorrow I have a job interview!) and try to connect more. I was doing fine, nothing compared to those horrible first days of NC, the worst ever.

Now I have to start all over again.

When I'll learn not go answer him? He contacted me, he let me know he missed me these weeks. I replied, saying that I missed him too (wrong, I know)and tgen the silent again. The horrible and dead silent.

I should have never replied to him. I was proud of me, given all the lroblems I have. And he played me again, I'm a fool.

I thought he realized how much he missed me. But I think he was only trying the waters to elevate his ego. Ugh thus hurts like the first day.

I need strength again. I feel very low, very low