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NC for 3 months after she broke my heart but still get a text message...

richard9

By richard9
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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richard9 Established Member

richard9

Posted
Posted

Looking for some advice :(

 

we broke up after 1 and a half years together, we spent every day together, we were best friends and she was my everything :love: i did everything for her, took her places, bought her things but when she got with a new set of friends all she wanted to do was go out and have fun, and soon it ended :( she broke up with me after an argument, the next few days i begged her to come back but she wasnt interested, she was more interested in her new friends and going out and having fun. so from then on i set out to distance myself from her by going NC,

 

initially i worked (very) long shifts, it was torture, i thought about her everyday i missed her soooo much.

 

its been 3 months of NC, and in that time ive got stronger, i still think about her everyday, but the pain has lessened. NC helped because i know she will probably be with (or have been with someone else) since we split, and it would still kill me to know about it.

 

i have ignored her texts (they come about once every three weeks, maybe she is bored?) so far they have been, "hi x" or "what are you up to? x", i ignore them. but today got one from her asking me to meet with her??? i am so confused :confused: i have been doing so well, i have joined a gym, going back to school, but i still miss her soooo much, she was my first love, and to be honest i have not many friends, and even with the gym get lonely, and even though she probably rushed to be with someone else, i know i am still hurting and not ready for dating yet.

 

to see her again would break my heart, i wish she had not text me, i want to text back and say yes and meet, and for her to say she made a mistake and has missed me, but do i risk the pain? i went through so much pain and heartache, i dont think i can go through it again. in the last month we were going out she used me to take her places and to meet her new friends, she flirted with men on facebook and through text message. it hurt. she was not the girl who cared about me in the last months, she only cared about attention from her new friends.

 

but maybe this is my last chance to get her back? but i am trying so hard to move forward on my own, to make myself stronger. it is tough without her but i am getting there slowly. i still miss her though. i dreamt about her only last night, we were in each others arms.

 

sorry for the disjointed post. would you text her back or stay NC??

cavalier99 Established Member

cavalier99

Posted
Posted

Id tell her to f*k off and stop bothering you. Then block her. She is making you feel weak and that is bad. If she wants to reconcile she will let you know. Being a d*ck in situations like this is a lot better than being nice. Cav

  • Like 1
Damian12 Member

Damian12

Posted
Posted

Im in the same situation as you. First love and no nc 3 months. Well. I can't say no nc. Because i do reply to her text msgs when she asks me how im doing? And I tell her im doing great. And keep answers kinda short. And can be happy and live without her. I go to the gym too. But if you arent focused on working out its hard to see improvements. I know its hard. I miss my ex too. But I do keep myself occupied to not think about her. Make new friends and see your family. The past will only haunt you as it did for me. Theres a quote. People are focused on the closed door behind them, and forget about the open door ahead.

 

If I were you. Still reply to show her your not emo and try to show her that your emotionally ok. Treat her like a friend like you guys havent dated. Don't look on her facebook or anything. List to music that makes you dance. If she really wants to meet you. I would. Just to see what's up and new. Because at least she is making an effort. But do not expect anything. Just sit and talk. If you think its going to hurt you and ur gut feeling doesnt feel good. Then don't. Question is. If you guys get back together. Be ready again if it happens again. Go in the same pace as her in the relationship

 

What was the reason for BU?

 

Btw. This is only my opinion. Don't take it personal. Just read. Only you know answer to all this.

Damian12 Member

Damian12

Posted
Posted

I also wanted to add. Don't reply right away to show her your available for her. Give it a few hours or day or so. . Make it more difficult for her to contact you want make her wonder.

  • Author
richard9 Established Member

richard9

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Id tell her to f*k off and stop bothering you. Then block her. She is making you feel weak and that is bad. If she wants to reconcile she will let you know. Being a d*ck in situations like this is a lot better than being nice. Cav

 

lol probably needed to hear this!! the way she crushed me, and left me like i meant nothing, cant believe im even thinking about meeting back up with her. If she wants to meet she will have to text me how much she is sorry and missing me, then, maybe. Thanks Cav :cool:

 

Im in the same situation as you. First love and no nc 3 months. Well. I can't say no nc. Because i do reply to her text msgs when she asks me how im doing? And I tell her im doing great. And keep answers kinda short. And can be happy and live without her. I go to the gym too. But if you arent focused on working out its hard to see improvements. I know its hard. I miss my ex too. But I do keep myself occupied to not think about her. Make new friends and see your family. The past will only haunt you as it did for me. Theres a quote. People are focused on the closed door behind them, and forget about the open door ahead.

 

If I were you. Still reply to show her your not emo and try to show her that your emotionally ok. Treat her like a friend like you guys havent dated. Don't look on her facebook or anything. List to music that makes you dance. If she really wants to meet you. I would. Just to see what's up and new. Because at least she is making an effort. But do not expect anything. Just sit and talk. If you think its going to hurt you and ur gut feeling doesnt feel good. Then don't. Question is. If you guys get back together. Be ready again if it happens again. Go in the same pace as her in the relationship

 

What was the reason for BU?

 

Btw. This is only my opinion. Don't take it personal. Just read. Only you know answer to all this.

 

Some good advice there, thanks damian. It will hurt too much to meet and talk. And it hurts too much to text her back pretending like nothing happened, even though she finds it so easy!?! I'm going to wait, i'm certainly not rushing in to meet her. her text said nothing about missing me or her being sorry. maybe she is bored or maybe she has fallen out with her new friends, who cares. i miss her but know in time it will get easier, its the little thoughts that creep in, if only she was here now and... STOP :cool:

 

thanks

  • Like 1
Damian12 Member

Damian12

Posted
Posted

Hey no problem. Thats why we are on this forums. At a dealership getting oil changes now anyways. Some people just don't say sorry. You know those people. To me. Actions speak louder then words. If she wants to get back . She try doing something. But dont wait.

 

Good luck brother. It'll get easier from here

destroyed4sho Established Member

destroyed4sho

Posted
Posted (edited)

Just reply " what made you want to meet with me?"

If her response anythig less of "i made a mistake. I love you and need u back in my life" dont respond back.

 

 

Could also be she is reading those "how to get my ex "back books.....in which case she will respond i want to apologize / thank you for yadda yadda"...in person.

Edited by destroyed4sho
  • Like 2
cavalier99 Established Member

cavalier99

Posted
Posted

She is trying to friend zone you and alleviate guilt. If she wanted back shed make a hell of a lot more effort that that. Don't be fooled. Your not her dog to come running because she want to meet. I know it is tempting but don't give in. This is all about her being lonely etcetera.

 

I guarantee this is ALL about her. She is lonely, she misses her friend blah blah blah. Not I'm so sorry are u OK can we try again. BIG DIFFERENCE.

 

Like the the NC guide says. You need to listen for the FULL out apology and i want back worst mistake ever response. And even this is no guarantee.

 

Don't rip you stitches out. Responding is playing with fire. Id stay NC. Safest bet. Can you block her?

  • Like 1
na49 Established Member

na49

Posted
Posted

I would ask what she wants to meet about. Depending on her answer, go from there.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

No, I would ignore the request.

 

Sorry, but honestly, she's just trying to attract your attention by taking her persistence up a step.

 

If she wanted to meet you to discuss reconciliation, she would make damn sure that you knew that this is why she wants to meet.

As it is, she's just being pesky.

 

Don't ask her 'what about', or "why?"

 

That's breaking No Contact and setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

It gets your hopes up, and then she will just dash them.

 

if she really wants to seriously talk to you - about getting back to you - she will find a way to do so.

 

Please ignore this "Hook and bait" too.....

  • Like 4
Thunderchild Established Member

Thunderchild

Posted
Posted

Tara, Cavalier & Damian - wise words!

  • Like 1
Thunderchild Established Member

Thunderchild

Posted
Posted

To answer your original question. If you feel you absolutely must respond, I would say 'sorry very busy wth X project at the moment'. See how persistent she becomes after a few of those replies.

marklarsson Established Member

marklarsson

Posted
Posted
Looking for some advice :(

 

we broke up after 1 and a half years together, we spent every day together, we were best friends and she was my everything :love: i did everything for her, took her places, bought her things but when she got with a new set of friends all she wanted to do was go out and have fun, and soon it ended :( she broke up with me after an argument, the next few days i begged her to come back but she wasnt interested, she was more interested in her new friends and going out and having fun. so from then on i set out to distance myself from her by going NC,

 

initially i worked (very) long shifts, it was torture, i thought about her everyday i missed her soooo much.

 

its been 3 months of NC, and in that time ive got stronger, i still think about her everyday, but the pain has lessened. NC helped because i know she will probably be with (or have been with someone else) since we split, and it would still kill me to know about it.

 

i have ignored her texts (they come about once every three weeks, maybe she is bored?) so far they have been, "hi x" or "what are you up to? x", i ignore them. but today got one from her asking me to meet with her??? i am so confused :confused: i have been doing so well, i have joined a gym, going back to school, but i still miss her soooo much, she was my first love, and to be honest i have not many friends, and even with the gym get lonely, and even though she probably rushed to be with someone else, i know i am still hurting and not ready for dating yet.

 

to see her again would break my heart, i wish she had not text me, i want to text back and say yes and meet, and for her to say she made a mistake and has missed me, but do i risk the pain? i went through so much pain and heartache, i dont think i can go through it again. in the last month we were going out she used me to take her places and to meet her new friends, she flirted with men on facebook and through text message. it hurt. she was not the girl who cared about me in the last months, she only cared about attention from her new friends.

 

but maybe this is my last chance to get her back? but i am trying so hard to move forward on my own, to make myself stronger. it is tough without her but i am getting there slowly. i still miss her though. i dreamt about her only last night, we were in each others arms.

 

sorry for the disjointed post. would you text her back or stay NC??

 

Your story is literally a carbon copy of what I'm going through right now. Apart from the fact that I'm just starting my no contact.

I say she has to put in the work to get you back. Reply back but keep it brief

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

No, no, no, no, NO!!

 

Do NOT Reply!

 

DO NOT REPLY!!

 

Replying breaks No Contact, prolongs the agony and keeps you dangling - it also puts you firmly back on square one!!

 

Reply AT YOUR PERIL!!

 

I would stake a bet that you will regret responding, if you do.....!

  • Like 1
marklarsson Established Member

marklarsson

Posted
Posted
No, no, no, no, NO!!

 

Do NOT Reply!

 

DO NOT REPLY!!

 

Replying breaks No Contact, prolongs the agony and keeps you dangling - it also puts you firmly back on square one!!

 

Reply AT YOUR PERIL!!

 

I would stake a bet that you will regret responding, if you do.....!

 

Do you think she will make it clear its about reconciling that she is texting for, even if he doesn't reply?

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

The magic words

"I'm sorry, I made a mistake I want you back" are magic.

 

I just typed them real quick.

Look, you're reading them.

 

See how easy that was?

 

Anything else is just fantasy and breadcrumb scattering.

  • Like 2
borgman1964 Member

borgman1964

Posted
Posted
No, no, no, no, NO!!

 

Do NOT Reply!

 

DO NOT REPLY!!

 

Replying breaks No Contact, prolongs the agony and keeps you dangling - it also puts you firmly back on square one!!

 

Reply AT YOUR PERIL!!

 

I would stake a bet that you will regret responding, if you do.....!

 

Listen to Tara my friend. She is right!

I'm a mess myself so I'm in no position to advise you myself. But what I have found is that when I can do NC I actually feel stronger, because its my decision not my ex's! I'm not giving my power to her I'm keeping it for myself. When I break NC which I have and probably will do again, although I hope i don't! I go right back to that dark dark place once again.

Follow Tara's advice she is right on the money!

R

  • Like 1
marklarsson Established Member

marklarsson

Posted
Posted
Listen to Tara my friend. She is right!

I'm a mess myself so I'm in no position to advise you myself. But what I have found is that when I can do NC I actually feel stronger, because its my decision not my ex's! I'm not giving my power to her I'm keeping it for myself. When I break NC which I have and probably will do again, although I hope i don't! I go right back to that dark dark place once again.

Follow Tara's advice she is right on the money!

R

 

I think I needed no contact because I had to get my cool back. Before the break up I was depressed did the whole trying to win back and in the en I just simply called her told her that she is the one I wanted but I'm gonna need space now and she needs it to and that I'm not going to be waiting about but if she does want to start a new chapter with me she can get in touch and then now I'm going straight no contact and getting on with my life

marklarsson Established Member

marklarsson

Posted
Posted
Listen to Tara my friend. She is right!

I'm a mess myself so I'm in no position to advise you myself. But what I have found is that when I can do NC I actually feel stronger, because its my decision not my ex's! I'm not giving my power to her I'm keeping it for myself. When I break NC which I have and probably will do again, although I hope i don't! I go right back to that dark dark place once again.

Follow Tara's advice she is right on the money!

R

 

As Tara said if its not as clear as "I want us to get back" etc... Then just ignore. It's even more so with my situation because I made it very clear her reason for contacting me which is about starting something new. If its not then he shouldn't even bother.

  • Like 1
TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

Very Wise.

 

Life is not all Black and White, it's true... there are many different scenarios one could consider, taking all parameters into account; but this also takes into consideration that when we deal with 'life' we're generally dealing with more than one person, and the effects of our decisions frequently ripple out and affect a different and variable set of circumstances.

 

In relationships, it's just two people.

 

It's he and she.

 

Then, things become Black and White.

yes or No?

Stay or go?

 

It's far more difficult to deal with because very often, it is unequivocal. It is, one or the other.

And because the choice is so stark and limited, that's what makes it so difficult.

 

We WANT blurred edges.

It makes coping, easier.

WE WANT it to be more complicated.

It means we are able to prevaricate, and hesitate.

 

So we create complications and blurred edges, because it stalls for time. If we can throw a few complications into the pot, we can delay having to decide.

 

But sadly, it IS Black and White.

 

It is, 'this or that'.

 

It is, 'one or the other'.

 

And the resistance people put up to that is enormously strong.

The refusal to accept that sadly, in this case, the choice is stark and simple, is commonplace.

 

And misplaced.

 

Which is why people hesitate, or resist going No Contact, and erect all manner of barriers in the forms of excuses and reasons as to why NC needn't be implemented.

 

And sadly, they are just fighting the ultimately inevitable.

 

Black and White - No Contact.

 

Sad.

 

 

 

But true.

marklarsson Established Member

marklarsson

Posted
Posted
Very Wise.

 

Life is not all Black and White, it's true... there are many different scenarios one could consider, taking all parameters into account; but this also takes into consideration that when we deal with 'life' we're generally dealing with more than one person, and the effects of our decisions frequently ripple out and affect a different and variable set of circumstances.

 

In relationships, it's just two people.

 

It's he and she.

 

Then, things become Black and White.

yes or No?

Stay or go?

 

It's far more difficult to deal with because very often, it is unequivocal. It is, one or the other.

And because the choice is so stark and limited, that's what makes it so difficult.

 

We WANT blurred edges.

It makes coping, easier.

WE WANT it to be more complicated.

It means we are able to prevaricate, and hesitate.

 

So we create complications and blurred edges, because it stalls for time. If we can throw a few complications into the pot, we can delay having to decide.

 

But sadly, it IS Black and White.

 

It is, 'this or that'.

 

It is, 'one or the other'.

 

And the resistance people put up to that is enormously strong.

The refusal to accept that sadly, in this case, the choice is stark and simple, is commonplace.

 

And misplaced.

 

Which is why people hesitate, or resist going No Contact, and erect all manner of barriers in the forms of excuses and reasons as to why NC needn't be implemented.

 

And sadly, they are just fighting the ultimately inevitable.

 

Black and White - No Contact.

 

Sad.

 

 

 

But true.

 

 

Going no contact is always difficult for the dumpee to do especially when the break up happens after an argument or something like that. They feel there is something they can do to change the dumpers mind. And sometimes this is true. Even in this case I think apologising and then no contact is the way

calgary Established Member

calgary

Posted
Posted

I know everybody here is recommending no contact.. but can anybody recommend a reason why she would get in touch/ think about you?

 

why would it make her feel better? if my ex still wanted me and I was refusing to get back together I wouldn't keep torturing her i'd feel awful about it.

 

has anybody ever been that cruel before here?

 

i'd never tell my ex ' I made a mistake I want to get back together' over a text after 3 months of no contact.. no way! who knows why she wants to meet up except her! and you'll never know unless you go. maybe it's like pressing restart... but I think her getting in touch is already like she's pressed restart on your no contact.. you'll always wonder what if, if you don't go. maybe now 3 months have gone by you'll be a lot more independent and happier and confident and able to handle the situation! maybe even seeing her in person might make you feel differently about her.

marklarsson Established Member

marklarsson

Posted
Posted
I know everybody here is recommending no contact.. but can anybody recommend a reason why she would get in touch/ think about you?

 

why would it make her feel better? if my ex still wanted me and I was refusing to get back together I wouldn't keep torturing her i'd feel awful about it.

 

has anybody ever been that cruel before here?

 

i'd never tell my ex ' I made a mistake I want to get back together' over a text after 3 months of no contact.. no way! who knows why she wants to meet up except her! and you'll never know unless you go. maybe it's like pressing restart... but I think her getting in touch is already like she's pressed restart on your no contact.. you'll always wonder what if, if you don't go. maybe now 3 months have gone by you'll be a lot more independent and happier and confident and able to handle the situation! maybe even seeing her in person might make you feel differently about her.

 

At the end of the day he knows his ex more than we do. He is the best to judge what she is trying to get at by the text. See for himself if he still wants to get back with her he has to reply. He just has to be very very cautious

  • Author
richard9 Established Member

richard9

Posted
  • Author
Posted
She is trying to friend zone you and alleviate guilt. If she wanted back shed make a hell of a lot more effort that that. Don't be fooled. Your not her dog to come running because she want to meet. I know it is tempting but don't give in. This is all about her being lonely etcetera.

 

I guarantee this is ALL about her. She is lonely, she misses her friend blah blah blah. Not I'm so sorry are u OK can we try again. BIG DIFFERENCE.

 

Like the the NC guide says. You need to listen for the FULL out apology and i want back worst mistake ever response. And even this is no guarantee.

 

Don't rip you stitches out. Responding is playing with fire. Id stay NC. Safest bet. Can you block her?

 

No, I would ignore the request.

 

Sorry, but honestly, she's just trying to attract your attention by taking her persistence up a step.

 

If she wanted to meet you to discuss reconciliation, she would make damn sure that you knew that this is why she wants to meet.

As it is, she's just being pesky.

 

Don't ask her 'what about', or "why?"

 

That's breaking No Contact and setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

It gets your hopes up, and then she will just dash them.

 

if she really wants to seriously talk to you - about getting back to you - she will find a way to do so.

 

Please ignore this "Hook and bait" too.....

 

Again sound advice and i totally agree with you both ;)

 

the only thing that makes me disagree is that she used good english, she never does that, i think she put a lot of thought in to the text, and i feel that she felt it hard to text me, which makes me feel guilty that i have not replied. perhaps this is her way of initiating contact. however, my head says leave it be, my heart on the other hand :o

 

To answer your original question. If you feel you absolutely must respond, I would say 'sorry very busy wth X project at the moment'. See how persistent she becomes after a few of those replies.

 

thanks but dont really want to enter into a convo and start playing games with her, the game playing i'll leave to her, but im not a part of it ;)

 

You will reply to that text no matter what advice you get on this forum, just make sure you let her know what you really want from her. If there is no hope for reconciliation, let her know about it crystal clear

 

The truth and truth alone shall triumph, anything else will be a close runner up

 

err no i wont and i havent, i have suprised myself that i did not reply to it, i feel guilty and cruel for not doing so, but i also feel stronger

 

I know everybody here is recommending no contact.. but can anybody recommend a reason why she would get in touch/ think about you?

 

why would it make her feel better? if my ex still wanted me and I was refusing to get back together I wouldn't keep torturing her i'd feel awful about it.

 

has anybody ever been that cruel before here?

 

i'd never tell my ex ' I made a mistake I want to get back together' over a text after 3 months of no contact.. no way! who knows why she wants to meet up except her! and you'll never know unless you go. maybe it's like pressing restart... but I think her getting in touch is already like she's pressed restart on your no contact.. you'll always wonder what if, if you don't go. maybe now 3 months have gone by you'll be a lot more independent and happier and confident and able to handle the situation! maybe even seeing her in person might make you feel differently about her.

 

maybe i will always wonder what if, and it kills me to think i may be throwing the last remaining hope down the drain, however i realise she threw it away when she split up with me, she threw it away when she chose to go out and party while i was distraught, she chose to throw it away when she decided the relationship and i meant nothing to her. it has gone and is getting further away, it hurts me everyday, but she is not the girl i loved anymore, and even if she had changed to a point where she realises what she has done and is sorry, i have been crushed, i am not the free happy go lucky person i was anymore :( we are not the same people that made each other click, i need to find myself, and then find someone who will not hurt me imo

  • Like 2
cavalier99 Established Member

cavalier99

Posted
Posted

Listen i know these decisions are though. But the truth is even if she is having some doubts she will make MUCH more of and effort. She will be blowing up your phone and showing up at your door in tears. And then you can decide. You have no reason to feel guilty not responding. In fact be pissed she is messing up your recovery for what is most likely selfish reasons.

 

If she want to be friend were does that leave you?

If she doesn't respond were does it leave you?

If she is confused and wants to hang out on her terms and see where it goes where does it leave you?

 

What do you want out of this if you respond?

 

Id just stay NC. You have your self esteem back are progressing well. Don't let her derail it. Your not missing out on an opportunity with her. She blew one with you 3 months ago. Rock on! Cav

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