freestyle Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Because you are right. They DO tend to attract each other. Like meet like in a destructive, usury relationship. you fill my need, I will fill your need and who cares who is hurt by it? as long as we feel good. You're right on the money, Spark. The term I came up with for that type of relationship dynamic is, "Dovetailing Dysfunction" An AP (of either gender) who likes/needs to play the "victim" for attention, will inevitably attract a "rescuer/fixer' who will "save" them from their "persecuting" spouse. After reading here for a few years, I've seen it over and over and over again. I've also witnessed it IRL, with people I know well.
Spark1111 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 You're right on the money, Spark. The term I came up with for that type of relationship dynamic is, "Dovetailing Dysfunction" An AP (of either gender) who likes/needs to play the "victim" for attention, will inevitably attract a "rescuer/fixer' who will "save" them from their "persecuting" spouse. After reading here for a few years, I've seen it over and over and over again. I've also witnessed it IRL, with people I know well. THAT's the classic triangle, and it exists, not only in affairs, but it can exist in any tripodic relationship: work, friends, family, volunteer associations. There is a victim, then a rescuer. These roles become interchangeable over time, while the third role remains constant as the persecutor and that can be anyone from the BS, mean and demanding boss, bullying older sibling. Triangles can be short-lived. The boss compliments you and offers support. Your mean older brother buys you an ice cream come the next day. Pssst..triangle disappears. But with a BS or two, the secrecy ensures that they remain the persecutor. APs don't want to relinquish their roles as it would mean the end of the affair. When you have two miserable, lonely. Selfish, self-entitled, possibly personality disordered partners......they NEED to fuel the dysfunction. Both feel victimized and persecuted. that is their make-up. So, it is not unusual to find like attracting like. 2
96nole Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 When you have two miserable, lonely. Selfish, self-entitled, possibly personality disordered partners......they NEED to fuel the dysfunction. Both feel victimized and persecuted. that is their make-up. So, it is not unusual to find like attracting like. I can't imagine something like that lasting too long. And the fireworks must be glorious when it ends.
LoveTKO Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Whoever you end up marrying, or dating for a long time, is usually a mirror image of yourself. Co-dependents, drug users, swingers, narcissists, criminals, Catholics, Southern Baptists, etc. It's not rocket science or nuclear fission; just simple common sense.
Spark1111 Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I can't imagine something like that lasting too long. And the fireworks must be glorious when it ends. the need to isolate is greater, becauSe the belief is no one wants and understands us two lonely souls..... The need to blame others is greater, because blameshifting is paramount to not facing the inner demons of self-loathing and being accountable for self-sabotaging, destructive behavior. The bond grows stronger because no one is as in tune as the two arrogant, superior to all possibly disordered narcissists or manic-phase bi-polars..... Almost two years,96! Did you know people abuse drugs and alcohol to numb pain? Did you know people have affairs to feel more alive and, or numb pain. Two different regions of the brain, but similar chemicals released. 1
Decorative Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Whoever you end up marrying, or dating for a long time, is usually a mirror image of yourself. Co-dependents, drug users, swingers, narcissists, criminals, Catholics, Southern Baptists, etc. It's not rocket science or nuclear fission; just simple common sense. Yeah. That is not my experience. The healthiest marriages I know are people that are not mirror images of each other. They have things in common- and lives outside of those things, as well. They bring the differences to each other and it makes for a full life. What you are suggesting is enmeshment, and those are not healthy relationships.
Decorative Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 the need to isolate is greater, becauSe the belief is no one wants and understands us two lonely souls..... The need to blame others is greater, because blameshifting is paramount to not facing the inner demons of self-loathing and being accountable for self-sabotaging, destructive behavior. The bond grows stronger because no one is as in tune as the two arrogant, superior to all possibly disordered narcissists or manic-phase bi-polars..... Almost two years,96! Did you know people abuse drugs and alcohol to numb pain? Did you know people have affairs to feel more alive and, or numb pain. Two different regions of the brain, but similar chemicals released. 3.5 years, for my spouse. And they sustained the highs by creating more and more drama around themselves. She claimed to have been robbed. he chased after the supposed guy. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I imagine it is quite exciting to participate in the high drama of it all.
LoveTKO Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Yeah. That is not my experience. The healthiest marriages I know are people that are not mirror images of each other. They have things in common- and lives outside of those things, as well. They bring the differences to each other and it makes for a full life. What you are suggesting is enmeshment, and those are not healthy relationships. I meant to say people in unhealthy relationships, since there is a high degree of recidivism; I threw the Southern Baptists and Catholics in there as a joke.
LoveTKO Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I'm the child of immigrants and have lived in numerous countries. outside of un-industrialized nations America isn't really that great. Most of the Western Hemisphere is leaving us in the dust... Concerning divorce rate: depends on how the numbers are crunched. Russia has a 5.3% divorce rate of NEW (less than seven years) marriages (which is higher than our 4.5 rate) but we have a phenomena in the west of splitting AFTER children are raised, and so over all more American couples split over Russian couples. I have no doubt though that Russians will surpass our overall rate in a few more years. As the economy degrades in the states people can not divorce, they NEED the economic security of partnership to raise children... Most of the Western Hemisphere is leaving us in the dust? How? The American worker is still the most productive worker in the world (fact), and we generally have a higher living standard than other nations. Although it might not remain that way, we still invent and create more than any other nation. But I agree that there are some who want to destroy this nation by engaging in useless wars, rogue spending, or putting a moratorium on selling 2 liter soda bottles with a pizza delivery (Mayor Bloomberg).
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