Narcissist and affairs

[jlola]

This article could also have been written about Borderline personality or Sociopath/psychopaths. Cluster B personality disorders make up 9% of the population. So 1 in 11 people are affected. These people are very prone to affairs and they usually target kind hearted trusting folks.

They are soooooo good at lying and over the top romance, they will have you believe you are the only one they have had an affair with because you are so special. It took me 2 years to show a friend she was involved with a sociopath. She thought she was his only affair. His wife is horrible. She wanted to control him. .She eventually learned all his stories were lies. But she was hypnotized to the point of stupidity for a long time. This man was smooth,charming and let her know they were soulmates and everyone who said anything about him was jealous.

 

What they all do is pitt you against the other if you find out.Mistress is stalker or they never said they loved her. Wife is crazy!

 

Does it make sense that she will keep the kids from him? NO! In today's world father's have rights and if they are paying child support and have been a good parent, no court is going to say no to partial custody.

 

Oh, I'm sorry. MM has convinced you the wife is crazy and she ill do all she can to keep you from seeing the kids. Pretty standard excuse.

 

Or, his finances will be in ruins. He has to give her a third or half. So? He will be in a better position than wife will be financially if the OW has a job. So if he earns $60,000 and is forced to fork over a third(not half) for child support or whatever he is still left with $40,000. If the OW has a career and earns at least $20,000 a year their pooled income should help alleviate what he loses in child support. So what exactly is stopping him?

 

Oh yes, he has such a good heart. But he willingly cheats on his wife and kids, but his heart just will not allow him to divorce. How can he hurt them so. Such BS anyone can see through, but OW and BS.

 

Yes, these men are masters at figuring out which women are over-trusting,overly loyal to manipulate. As the book "Women who love psychopaths" states. They use your good character traits against you.

These guys don't leave. Not because of the kids or the finance, but because they are selfish and want it all. Wife at home and passion with girlfriend.

 

Serial Cheaters - Narcissists

 

A typical reason for infidelity is that one spouse may be a narcissist who often becomes a serial cheater. The narcissist is most likely to have many affairs and will pursue anyone they can manipulate with their boundless words and actions.

 

Narcissists are self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming. They have a constant need for admiration. They view all events in terms of how the events impact them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an "emotional high" with each new conquest. Their behavior is often impulsive which can appear exciting. These individuals lack compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals. They are unwilling to see or consider anything from another person's viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target until the relationship becomes too burdensome. They utilize no moral boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity from the opposite sex; frequently offering marriage, promises, baptism, children, etc. Literally - whatever the target "needs to hear" in order to close the deal is what the narcissist will say and do. Their targets are usually married which heightens the feeling of conquest. They frequently have several affairs going on at once with no regard to the damage caused by their reckless pursuit of self-gratification. Narcissists develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, "elegantly" deceiving without stumble, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal.

 

Their behavior is more than a lack of self-esteem. It goes to the very core of the individual's personality and is a pervasive aspect of their lifestyle. This character flaw prevents them from keeping marriage vows and in the vast majority of cases narcissists will forever cheat on their spouse(s). It is interesting to note that narcissists rarely divorce and will fight tooth and nail to remain married. This is believed to go along with the "need to be accepted by all" mentality that narcissists possess. As strong as their need is to conquer outside their marriage; they turn into weeping idiots if/when their spouse even suggests divorce.

[Morgoth]

This article could also have been written about Borderline personality or Sociopath/psychopaths. Cluster B personality disorders make up 9% of the population. So 1 in 11 people are affected. These people are very prone to affairs and they usually target kind hearted trusting folks.

They are soooooo good at lying and over the top romance, they will have you believe you are the only one they have had an affair with because you are so special. It took me 2 years to show a friend she was involved with a sociopath. She thought she was his only affair. His wife is horrible. She wanted to control him. .She eventually learned all his stories were lies. But she was hypnotized to the point of stupidity for a long time. This man was smooth,charming and let her know they were soulmates and everyone who said anything about him was jealous.

 

What they all do is pitt you against the other if you find out.Mistress is stalker or they never said they loved her. Wife is crazy!

 

Does it make sense that she will keep the kids from him? NO! In today's world father's have rights and if they are paying child support and have been a good parent, no court is going to say no to partial custody.

 

Oh, I'm sorry. MM has convinced you the wife is crazy and she ill do all she can to keep you from seeing the kids. Pretty standard excuse.

 

Or, his finances will be in ruins. He has to give her a third or half. So? He will be in a better position than wife will be financially if the OW has a job. So if he earns $60,000 and is forced to fork over a third(not half) for child support or whatever he is still left with $40,000. If the OW has a career and earns at least $20,000 a year their pooled income should help alleviate what he loses in child support. So what exactly is stopping him?

 

Oh yes, he has such a good heart. But he willingly cheats on his wife and kids, but his heart just will not allow him to divorce. How can he hurt them so. Such BS anyone can see through, but OW and BS.

 

Yes, these men are masters at figuring out which women are over-trusting,overly loyal to manipulate. As the book "Women who love psychopaths" states. They use your good character traits against you.

These guys don't leave. Not because of the kids or the finance, but because they are selfish and want it all. Wife at home and passion with girlfriend.

 

Serial Cheaters - Narcissists

 

A typical reason for infidelity is that one spouse may be a narcissist who often becomes a serial cheater. The narcissist is most likely to have many affairs and will pursue anyone they can manipulate with their boundless words and actions.

 

Narcissists are self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming. They have a constant need for admiration. They view all events in terms of how the events impact them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an "emotional high" with each new conquest. Their behavior is often impulsive which can appear exciting. These individuals lack compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals. They are unwilling to see or consider anything from another person's viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target until the relationship becomes too burdensome. They utilize no moral boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity from the opposite sex; frequently offering marriage, promises, baptism, children, etc. Literally - whatever the target "needs to hear" in order to close the deal is what the narcissist will say and do. Their targets are usually married which heightens the feeling of conquest. They frequently have several affairs going on at once with no regard to the damage caused by their reckless pursuit of self-gratification. Narcissists develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, "elegantly" deceiving without stumble, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal.

 

Their behavior is more than a lack of self-esteem. It goes to the very core of the individual's personality and is a pervasive aspect of their lifestyle. This character flaw prevents them from keeping marriage vows and in the vast majority of cases narcissists will forever cheat on their spouse(s). It is interesting to note that narcissists rarely divorce and will fight tooth and nail to remain married. This is believed to go along with the "need to be accepted by all" mentality that narcissists possess. As strong as their need is to conquer outside their marriage; they turn into weeping idiots if/when their spouse even suggests divorce.

 

It sounds like you are just referring to the male gender. I suppose this also can apply to the female gender as well? Or do you just hate men?

[jlola]

Apologies if this sounded gender bias.No, women are included. Ironically,some think men are more prone to narcissist personality disorder and women more prone to Borderline personality disorder. Both disorders are crazy making and leave many ex's needing therapy. Most people after a crazy, roller

coaster relationship do not realize hat hit them. There are answers on the internet. Books to open many people's eyes and stop idealizing these people or blaming yourself for their behavior,

[Ellin]

This article could also have been written about Borderline personality or Sociopath/psychopaths. Cluster B personality disorders make up 9% of the population.

I'm afraid you'll find that statistically the prevalence of infidelity is much higher.

 

But yeah, that's one explanation.

[LoveTKO]

I think you're over analyzing this a bit. It's just men being men and not some deviant, subversive behavior that they deliberately devise in order to hoodwink a bunch of women. Men just get bored sleeping with the same woman (wife or girlfriend), so they'll be on that never ending quest to get some "strange". They don't leave the wife because like all cheaters, they're habitual cake eaters and want the best of both worlds. Ask any man with a wife and kids if they would sleep with other women if their wives gave them the green light. You know the answer.

[Realist3]

If calling people names and making them out to be mad helps you understand your being cheated on then so be it. I have heard allsorts on here now too. No one in an affair could possibly be a normal person' date=' oh no, that can't be. No one could ever fall in love with someone else, no that could not be. No they are ALL selfish lying psychopaths who are out to manipulate and ruin people's lives. No one else is to blame, we just married a cheating lying psycho loony. No, he still loved me, he could never love anyone else it is impossible that, he was just a complete nutter, SO HE COULD NOT HELP IT ..right.[/quote']

 

I am simply amazed at how much time people waste trying to think up some "scientific" reasoning behind the fact that people are attracted to other people besides their spouses, and sometimes act on those attractions.

[promises]

I am simply amazed at how much time people waste trying to think up some "scientific" reasoning behind the fact that people are attracted to other people besides their spouses, and sometimes act on those attractions.

 

this is true.

[Journee]

this is true.

 

It is also true that when your life is flipped upside down you might take a moment to reflect. What signs were missed. What are the "why's" behind it all. Is it really that surprising that it's difficult to accept your spouse devastated you just because? That there could be more behind the action? More to the WS?

 

Not everyone makes the same choices when faced with the exact same scenario. This doesn't deserve even a second glance from someone directly impacted by those who choose to cheat?

[jlola]

I think you're over analyzing this a bit. It's just men being men and not some deviant, subversive behavior that they deliberately devise in order to hoodwink a bunch of women. Men just get bored sleeping with the same woman (wife or girlfriend), so they'll be on that never ending quest to get some "strange". They don't leave the wife because like all cheaters, they're habitual cake eaters and want the best of both worlds. Ask any man with a wife and kids if they would sleep with other women if their wives gave them the green light. You know the answer.

 

Really, so you are saying to be a man you have to be a bold faced liar,manipulator,cheater,cake eater and selfish . that is not saying much about the male gender and if that is so why would any woman would to be involved with that.

 

A man or woman who can lie day in and day out to their wives, put their children's psychological future in jepardy, be willing to risk finances or divorce for a piece of ass is deviant. It says the only thing that matters to me in this world is not my wife,kids,integrity,self esteem, it's sex.And I will risk whatever I can to get it cause it feeds my ego. That is what drives me. And you think this is normal thinking??

[jlola]

Yes, that's right: normal, healthy, moral people don't live a life of lies. they don't defraud others, they don't willfully help ruin the lives of strangers who never hurt them, they don't deliberately seek to piss all over the security of children's homes just to get their genitals wet. Only cruel, selfish, sick people do crap like that.

 

There is a famous cheaters message board who's owner just shut it down. Why? Because even with money to be made when he actually went in to read the cheaters posts he was disgusted by how entitled and selfish they are. But so sensitive at small things injustices happening to them. It was their world and they did not care who got hurt, as long as their ego's and their chemical love highs were fed.

[LoveTKO]

Really, so you are saying to be a man you have to be a bold faced liar,manipulator,cheater,cake eater and selfish . that is not saying much about the male gender and if that is so why would any woman would to be involved with that.

 

A man or woman who can lie day in and day out to their wives, put their children's psychological future in jepardy, be willing to risk finances or divorce for a piece of ass is deviant. It says the only thing that matters to me in this world is not my wife,kids,integrity,self esteem, it's sex.And I will risk whatever I can to get it cause it feeds my ego. That is what drives me. And you think this is normal thinking??

 

 

Yes....I think that being driven by sex is a normal thing. Cheating on your spouse is UNETHICAL and WRONG, but it's not abnormal. Just look at the statistics; about 50% of people cheat on their spouses at some point in time. It's human nature to to want to pair with more than one person, since humans are not monogamous by nature. I didn't make that up but ask any anthropologist or counselor.

 

Perhaps you need to rethink your stance and assess whether or not the institution of marriage is a hornets nest of dysfunction, co-dependence, sociopaths, and manipulators. I've seen so much manipulation going on with either the man or woman selling themselves as something they're not just to have security, a family, a meal ticket, and kids the rest or their lives. Think about it.

[Spark1111]

Yes....I think that being driven by sex is a normal thing. Cheating on your spouse is UNETHICAL and WRONG, but it's not abnormal. Just look at the statistics; about 50% of people cheat on their spouses at some point in time. It's human nature to to want to pair with more than one person, since humans are not monogamous by nature. I didn't make that up but ask any anthropologist or counselor.

 

Perhaps you need to rethink your stance and assess whether or not the institution of marriage is a hornets nest of dysfunction, co-dependence, sociopaths, and manipulators. I've seen so much manipulation going on with either the man or woman selling themselves as something they're not just to have security, a family, a meal ticket, and kids the rest or their lives. Think about it.

 

Sooooo...those who seek monogamy are the real manipulators? Interesting.

 

Or, two people promise monogamy, one realizes they'd like some strange, and then proceeds to lie about it?

 

Developing feelings for another is natural.

 

Wanting to act on those feelings, their choice.

 

Lying, betraying their spouse and family....hmmmm...yes, can be pathological, disordered, or close to it, even if briefly and lasting the duration of the infidelity.

 

You think that's a good thing?

 

If you'd like to date others and act single, don't marry, or get permission and set guidelines to have an open marriage.

[jlola]

Yes....I think that being driven by sex is a normal thing.

 

 

So as human's we cannot control impulses? I know a little boy who was born with sensory issues. He could not control so many of his impulses. But through years of therapy and the little guy really trying hard, the facial ticks have gone away,body movements controlled. To the point you would not think there is anything wrong with him now.

 

It was a struggle for him to be aware of these movements and stop them as they happened. To accept certain fabrics against his skin. To eat certain foods he hated the texture of.

 

But little man did it. Therapist,parents and teachers actually rewired his natural tendencies so he can function in the "real world. ".

 

But grown mature men with wives children have an excuse to run amuck sexually because this is a "normal" impulse???? Sad,what happened to accountability and self control??

[SmokeRat]

We live in a society that urges people to do what is best for them. Forget about the other guy, it's all about YOU!

 

I've stated before that, beyond divorce and some costly bills, there is very little repurcussions for Adultery. At least in Canada.

 

If there were life long, detrimental repercussions to someone committing adultery, perhaps we would see a decline in that 50% statistic.

 

However, someone pointed out that it would marriage more like a prison. And I'm fine with that. It would really make people sit down and think about if they REALLY want to get married, as opposed to what society is turning marriage into; a disposable gift machine in terms of your wedding day.

[LoveTKO]

All I'm saying is that marriage, in theory, is a wonderful thing with a lot of perks, benefits, and lots of love for many happy years to come. But in reality, marriage isn't for most people if you look at the cold hard facts. If marriage really is this destined union between a man and woman then divorce attorneys and marriage counselors wouldn't exist, right? You have to come to the realization that attraction for your partner will come and go; at the same time, if you do decide to sleep with other people you should at least inform your partner of your intentions.

 

If you want to take on a second challenging career, aside from the one you have right now, then by all means marriage could work for you.

[LoveTKO]

there are so many "natural" things that we, as "evolved' humans have either thrown away or improved upon that it becomes a non issue to state that something is "natural"...the natural purpose of sex is procreation and bonding two parents together to raise a child.Since neither of these is found in an affair, an affair could, by definition, be considered "unatural"...

 

.

 

 

If this is so natural, like eating or drinking, then why do so many people opt for a divorce or affairs. Seeking affection, excitement, sexual gratification is also a natural thing for a lot of people.

 

Most men will procreate but they don't have that nurturing instinct or quality that women have "naturally". Men usually get married because women expect them to at some point, right? They often need a "push" by way of a veiled threat about ending it if we don't get married etc. Back in the old days, a lot people got married in order to have sex or it was the accepted next step when you impregnated your girlfriend. What a functional and evolved mindset that was, he?

[Spark1111]

If this is so natural, like eating or drinking, then why do so many people opt for a divorce or affairs. Seeking affection, excitement, sexual gratification is also a natural thing for a lot of people.

 

Most men will procreate but they don't have that nurturing instinct or quality that women have "naturally". Men usually get married because women expect them to at some point, right? They often need a "push" by way of a veiled threat about ending it if we don't get married etc. Back in the old days, a lot people got married in order to have sex or it was the accepted next step when you impregnated your girlfriend. What a functional and evolved mindset that was, he?

 

Then most men should choose marriage, choose monogamy, choose commitment, before their later boredom destroys their spouse, children, and extended families. Women too!

 

No one should get married because of threats, pressure, expectations, or wanting to try it on like a new pair of shoes to be discarded later.

[Furious]

If this is so natural, like eating or drinking, then why do so many people opt for a divorce or affairs. Seeking affection, excitement, sexual gratification is also a natural thing for a lot of people.

 

Most men will procreate but they don't have that nurturing instinct or quality that women have "naturally". Men usually get married because women expect them to at some point, right? They often need a "push" by way of a veiled threat about ending it if we don't get married etc. Back in the old days, a lot people got married in order to have sex or it was the accepted next step when you impregnated your girlfriend. What a functional and evolved mindset that was, he?

 

 

 

 

It seems that many cheaters pardon themselves as only following their biological instinct to cheat and that momgomy is un-natural.

 

Deodorant is unnatural, so is toilet paper and soap. I would think that humans have evolved beyond the cave.

 

Do cheaters think they have a better understanding of cheateing than non-cheaters. I'd say that non cheaters have had as many or more opportunities to cheat but did not cross the line. Is being loyal and honest unnatural?

[jlola]

Is being loyal and honest unnatural?

 

I guess to some people it is. Whatever happened to integrity,character? So looking at your spouse and lying to them everyday,manipulating them, gas lighting them is perfectly fine. As long as you can have your cake and eat it too.

 

Alright, let's say you are not built for monogamy. Then why stay married? Why not acknowledge you love the " chase game" and leave. That way you can do as you please. And to insult all men and say they will naturally risk everything for sex is wrong. Just because someone is the type of male with no moral values does not mean all men are the same. There are plenty of very good decent men on here who prove this point wrong!!!!!!

[LoveTKO]

Then most men should choose marriage, choose monogamy, choose commitment, before their later boredom destroys their spouse, children, and extended families. Women too!

 

No one should get married because of threats, pressure, expectations, or wanting to try it on like a new pair of shoes to be discarded later.

 

 

I agree with you 100% there . But marriage and divorce has a lot of financial benefits and perils. People often choose to stay marriage when having an extramarital affair because they don't want to lose their house or savings. It's easy to say well suck it up and move on, but people who have affairs have this "a la carte" approach to life; they pick and choose what best suits their needs. From my experience, a lot of people who have affairs got married because they wanted security in life and to build a future. Their partner just fit the piece of the puzzle at the time.

[jlola]

If I'm not mistaken TKO's viewpoint, (which some would call cynical) maybe comes from him having been an om to a mow.

 

As for the comments about personality disorders being used as an excuse for affairs, I'm confident that was not the intent of jlola's post. From her past posting history she is the daughter of an NPD serial cheater and she is trying to share what she has learned. Of course everyone that cheats is not an NPD but there are some out there.

 

As for my post, I was just relating my relationship with what I believe was an NPD, he certainly ticks the boxes and no I certainly am not qualified to dx, but it was what it was.

 

Kudo's to jlola for sharing this info, who knows who it might help today or even 10 years down the road. Someone will read it and say..........ahhhh haaa, that explains a lot.

 

 

Thank you LG. My sister is diagnosed Borderline personality disorder(she is the quiet borderline). We only learned that after we had her committed due to a suicide attempt.

 

She has a great career in the health field and has graduated from a top University with honors. By all account comes off as the sweetest ,sanest girl there is. But to be in a relationship with her eventually turns to a nightmare. She has been married 5x. Started before she graduated college. Each marriage was to "her soulmate" . None lasted more than 2 years since she will always find a willing affair partner.

 

The men she married are all very good,educated men who would make any woman a good husband. 1 remarried after her. The other 3 I think are still are too afraid of their judgement to marry again. Her 5th husband (she married a year and a half ago was admitted to the hospital with anxiety last year. Oh, he found out she was talking to her ex.

 

She has an allure to men like a siren. They are always lined up for her. She is the very sweet innocent type who always has a sob story and finds men with rescue tendencies who want to save her. I wish some of her husbands would understand they are great guys and her personality disorder is why she behaved the way she does. It has nothing to do with them, but she leaves giving them full blame and I think these me will never get over it.

 

 

 

I wish more people would at least think about researching psychology rather than thinking it is all mumbo jumbo.

 

One person who is manipulative can pull in quite a few good people into their lair. So as many psychologist will say. just because it is ONLY 9% you think you are safe. Understanding these people are focused on getting their fix or "supply" as they call t means they hit on an awful lot of decent people(since they have radar for folks like themselves and avoid them like a plague). So one of those 9% can involve themselves with quite a few people in their lifetime. They love to create triangles.

 

They say if you get out of a relationship and it has made you feel so crazy, you need a therapist you were probably involved with a disordered person. Problem is, the disordered usually are blessed with the great acting ability to show "extra charm,devotion,flattery and all we ever dreamed.

 

I agree. Not everyone's case is the same. But if something seems off, if a person is constantly lying,manipulating,twisting logic ,putting the blame on everyone else, gaslighting, creating jealousy and triangles, come on. The signs are there. Start investigating those traits(which are not normal) before you get sucked down the rabbit hole.

[Spark1111]

I agree with you 100% there . But marriage and divorce has a lot of financial benefits and perils. People often choose to stay marriage when having an extramarital affair because they don't want to lose their house or savings. It's easy to say well suck it up and move on, but people who have affairs have this "a la carte" approach to life; they pick and choose what best suits their needs. From my experience, a lot of people who have affairs got married because they wanted security in life and to build a future. Their partner just fit the piece of the puzzle at the time.

 

Ahh, but thank you for validating jlola's post!

 

There are degrees of narcissism, as there are in all disordered personality types, which is what makes them very difficult to diagnose and almost impossible to treat.

 

People who pick and choose what best suits their needs are often mentally stable.

 

People who always pick and choose what best suits their needs without regard to it's effects on others, are often self-centered and selfish.

 

People who pick and choose their needs to the point of devastating those they profess to love and protect, very well maybe narcissists, if this is a pattern of disregard --not only in their primary romantic relationship-- but in most interpersonal relationships.

[LoveTKO]

Ahh, but thank you for validating jlola's post!

 

There are degrees of narcissism, as there are in all disordered personality types, which is what makes them very difficult to diagnose and almost impossible to treat.

 

People who pick and choose what best suits their needs are often mentally stable.

 

People who always pick and choose what best suits their needs without regard to it's effects on others, are often self-centered and selfish.

 

People who pick and choose their needs to the point of devastating those they profess to love and protect, very well maybe narcissists, if this is a pattern of disregard --not only in their primary romantic relationship-- but in most interpersonal relationships.

 

LOL!! Based on your comparison, I can almost see a similarity with manslaughter, negligent homicide, second degree murder, and premeditated with malice aforethought.

 

But let me ask you a question.....why do some women, and men, gravitate towards these selfish and sinister people over and over again? From my experience, unstable and selfish people tend to find each other a lot! Heck...as we speak ...I know someone in counseling who has issues with her husband's infidelity and wickedly selfish behavior, but she is carrying on an affair herself because of lack of attention at home. It apparently has been a pattern all her life when she doesn't get attention, but she wonder's why men are all scum and can't be trusted.

[LoveTKO]

um, maybe we live in different cultures, but I don't know of too many people who got married because the had a veiled threat that the other person would "end it"... ( but maybe I misunderstood what you meant, if I did, I'm sorry:) )...

 

maybe it all comes down to getting married for the right reasons, but I have to wonder if someone is a narcissist if they would have that much self awareness to get married for their right reasons anyway...wouldn't they only see marraige in terms of how it could benefit them and stroke their ego, not how it was a partnership?

 

 

 

end it...as in end the relationship and move on. But they still hang around waiting for that ring.

[Radu]

Apologies if this sounded gender bias.No, women are included. Ironically,some think men are more prone to narcissist personality disorder and women more prone to Borderline personality disorder. Both disorders are crazy making and leave many ex's needing therapy. Most people after a crazy, roller

coaster relationship do not realize hat hit them. There are answers on the internet. Books to open many people's eyes and stop idealizing these people or blaming yourself for their behavior,

 

Men tend to be more prone for NPD, women tend to be more prone for HPD which stands for Histrionic Personality Disorder.

Quite frankly, both of these disorders are scary as hell.