Thunderchild Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) I've been trawling through a few threads here and come across phrases like "he/she lost interest in me" or "he/she wasn't getting enough attention from me". This sounds to me like an awful lot of self blaming!! I'm curious as to opinions of who is 'responsible' for the "relationship" - and, consequently to 'blame' for the failure. IMHO both people are responsible for the state of the relationship. If you're "not getting enough attention", what did YOU do about it before you pulled the trigger?? Did you sit down and talk to the other person about it? Or, did you just expect the whole world to revolve around you and expect them to be a mind reader and magically know what you felt?? Opinions please. Edited February 23, 2013 by Thunderchild 2
destroyed4sho Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Yes, i see a lot of threads like these on here and i know exactly how the dumpees love to just keep bashing themselves. I did this for a year bc my ex made me believe it was allllll my fault. So i started to beg and plead for resolution. After the breakup and now on NC things seem so clear. I was not to blame for everything, hell, she did A LOT to me and raged over the smallest things. I tried to talk about things with her and all she did was become defensive and get mad/blame/yell at me again for trying to talk with her! It was a very painful and stressful year. Whenever i see a dumpee post about how its all their fault i always try to counter it if it helps any. 1
Damian12 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 You can't blame anyone. It should be natural. If it didnt work out. It wasnt meant to be. Simple as that. Theres a difference between, Need to do something. And want to do something. Sitting down to talk about is good. But both partiess need to accept changes in a relationship. Good luck! 1
Author Thunderchild Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Damian - I couldn't disagree with your approach more. I would argue that both parties are equally responsible IMHO - realtionships need to be worked on. In a pevious existence I was married to a wonderful woman for nearly 12 years (I am now widowed) - i t was the hardest job I ever had (apart from being a parent). If we had stuck to your 'Que Serra' approach I doubt we would ever have made it down to the Register Office. My late wife was far from perfect- and, God knows, I wasn't easy to live with at times. However, we compromised, made allowances and respected each other. We made it work because we wanted to, but we accepted the responsiblity of making it work. I would argue that the 'Que Serra' approach is simply a cop out; an abdication of responsibility. 2
Amelie1980 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Damian - I couldn't disagree with your approach more. I would argue that both parties are equally responsible IMHO - realtionships need to be worked on. In a pevious existence I was married to a wonderful woman for nearly 12 years (I am now widowed) - i t was the hardest job I ever had (apart from being a parent). If we had stuck to your 'Que Serra' approach I doubt we would ever have made it down to the Register Office. My late wife was far from perfect- and, God knows, I wasn't easy to live with at times. However, we compromised, made allowances and respected each other. We made it work because we wanted to, but we accepted the responsiblity of making it work. I would argue that the 'Que Serra' approach is simply a cop out; an abdication of responsibility. Exactly....love is a doing word, it's a.verb. You have to work at it. The Que Serra approach is probably why the divorce rate.is nearly 50% here. Relationships are disposable these days as people don't try anymore. bump in the road, yore not.getting on....not 100% happy.....its over move on no one.tries to make it work any.more. 1
Amelie1980 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I've been trawling through a few threads here and come across phrases like "he/she lost interest in me" or "he/she wasn't getting enough attention from me". This sounds to me like an awful lot of self blaming!! I'm curious as to opinions of who is 'responsible' for the "relationship" - and, consequently to 'blame' for the failure. IMHO both people are responsible for the state of the relationship. If you're "not getting enough attention", what did YOU do about it before you pulled the trigger?? Did you sit down and talk to the other person about it? Or, did you just expect the whole world to revolve around you and expect them to be a mind reader and magically know what you felt?? Opinions please. I felt neglected for a long time in the relationship. I wasn't sure how he would have taken it as I couldn't tell him. He had family problems job problems and illness. I wasn't selfish and put him first. I didn't expect him to be psychic I couldn't put relationship pressure on him when he was going through that.
Author Thunderchild Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Amelie - did you offer your support through his trials and tribulations?? That would have drawn his attention to you (in a very positive way) - and probably strengthened the relationship. My needs became secondary in my marriage at times, because I was aware of my wife's issues - as she was when I had mine. It made us stronger and more appreciative of each other. 1
todreaminblue Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Damian - I couldn't disagree with your approach more. I would argue that both parties are equally responsible IMHO - realtionships need to be worked on. In a pevious existence I was married to a wonderful woman for nearly 12 years (I am now widowed) - i t was the hardest job I ever had (apart from being a parent). If we had stuck to your 'Que Serra' approach I doubt we would ever have made it down to the Register Office. My late wife was far from perfect- and, God knows, I wasn't easy to live with at times. However, we compromised, made allowances and respected each other. We made it work because we wanted to, but we accepted the responsiblity of making it work. I would argue that the 'Que Serra' approach is simply a cop out; an abdication of responsibility. yes que sera sera gets my goat....... and your post is sublimely true....thanks for posting......i feel relationships are far too disposable......that peopel dotn try as hard as they could....adn that to me ...is sad.....what is also sad is one person tries their very hardest....and it fails due to the disinterest of the other partner.....that is sad.i knwo what it feels like to work hard in a relationship.....next one i have....i want someone who is willing to work as hard as i am ...then we can enjoy the effort and the reward together.....i dont need a half hearted slacker...i need a man who knows what he wants and where he wants to go ....ill leave teh que sera seras for doris....she sings them beautifully.....deb 1
Author Thunderchild Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Well said - I like your dog. Is he a Rottie??
Author Thunderchild Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Mutantswordfish And therein lies the rub. Sometimes you have to be proactive (and take the responsibility). If he/she treats you like you don't exist, then bring it up with them. They may have issues they don't want to - or - are unable to share with you I've been in relationships that have gotten 'comfortable' at times and have taken the responsibility - or I have been brought up myself with the ubiquitous and dreaded "where are we going?" question. If you bring the issue up say three times with a partner, and they fail to respond positively, I'd be saying "maybe you need some space".
tomtombu Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 you say it takes two to tango, but when one person lies about something, and the other gives nothing but honesty, its easy to know who's to blame
Author Thunderchild Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Tomtombu - yep, that's an easy one, but we're running the thread on those relatioships that break up because people got into a rut. If they've lied and cheated, then there's very little point tryingto be with them. When the trust goes - everything goes.
Amelie1980 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Amelie - did you offer your support through his trials and tribulations?? That would have drawn his attention to you (in a very positive way) - and probably strengthened the relationship. My needs became secondary in my marriage at times, because I was aware of my wife's issues - as she was when I had mine. It made us stronger and more appreciative of each other. I offered my support, my love, kindness, compassion and understanding. He pushed me away. He's 36 and still lives with his parents...he leaned on them and pushed me away. I got dumped in the end. I am devastated.
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