Not a multidater, but...

[kaylan]

We had a great time last night. I cooked dinner at my place and we went out and listened to live music for a few hours. Otherwise it was uneventful and she went home. Neither of us seem to be in a big hurry and that's just fine. Lot's of talking, laughing, affection, connection flowing naturally. So the pressure is off for the moment in terms of making decisions or disclosures. She is a really cool, interesting person. I like her and I don't want to do anything that would hurt or disappoint her and I believe she's the same. She is as genuine as can be.

 

But here's the deal... the dating thing is a two way street (as monicaelise, fit chick and eggplant astutely articulated). Both have active profiles and I have to assume that they are open to all possibilities. While it may be novel for me to have two exciting possibilities at once, these are smart, attractive, well educated modern women. They probably have more than two knockin at any given time–– it would be foolish of me to assume otherwise. Or to make assumptions with respect to their expectations in the absence of any communication on the matter.

Stop making assumptions.

 

Dudes who want to multidate and sleep around rationalize not telling women by saying "well they must be dating around too".

 

How little backbone must people have in dating that its so hard to ask the other person what their dating style is? I found out the current gal Im seeing dating style on the FIRST DATE. And because of that we are on the same page and itll be less drama since we dont have to worry about other people.

 

There arent labels on anything, but at least I know we can be honest with each other if we do happen to meet other people.

[PhillyDude]

I'm female. If I was one of those women I'd immediately dump you. I'd do that even BEFORE you had sex with one of them.

 

Not disclosing is equal to lying through omission. This is pure cake-eating!

 

You'd also be putting my health into higher risk of STDs if you slept with one of them and I didn't know. I mean WTF!? Seriously!?!?!? This is such a huge deal-breaker, it makes my blood boil just thinking about the risk of being deceived like that!! Especially when it comes to my personal health!

 

 

How do we know that those woman are not doing the same thing?

[kaylan]

^I always let women know right away whether or not Im looking for a relationship. I also let them know I dont get sexual with more than one girl at a time. Whats so hard about this? Not everyone dates the same, so making assumptions is stupid.

Why is the OP being criticized when he is just making sure he has dating insurance?

 

What's wrong with making sure he will not be ALONE by dating more than one person?

The problem is that hes not upfront about all this. Im seeing one girl right now, and just because I happen to check my OLD mail doesnt mean Im seeing other women. And even if I was keeping my options open, she would know that and she would know long before I went out or got physical with someone else.

 

Options is not the issue. Transparency and forthrightness is.

[pbjbear]

Withholding information about dating others is deceiving in my book.

 

Ive dumped guys I had been dating for months when I found out they were still seeing other women on the side. In the beginning stages of dating where theres no sex, I dont have a problem. But past that, I do.

 

People will reply on here and say "if youre not exclusive youre not doing anything wrong." Well technically, no, the guy wasnt do anything wrong...Id just choose to not date someone like that. In my experience, if a guy is dating multiple girls hes not really into any of them. I have had multi dating experiences and when I found one I liked, the rest became afterthoughts

[salparadise]

The whole basis of this thread is a tad contradicting.

I'm not a multi-dater, but I'm multi-dating.

 

No, it's not confusing if you read what I wrote and ignore the noise being made by the teenies who try to reinterpret everything. I'm going to state the facts in a way that will be difficult to misinterpret regardless of reading comprehension issues, and then I'm done.

 

1. I met two women I'm interested in on a dating site. One contacted me about a week ahead of the other. I was communicating with both before seeing either for the first time.

 

2. I had an initial meeting and then a date with #1 (that's 2 total meetings) before being able to schedule a meeting with the other. No sex.

 

3. I met #2 for a coffee date that went on for several hours. We clicked. I had already made up my mind that I would not see #2 a second time unless it seemed extraordinarily promising, which it did.

 

4. I started this thread to get some perspective on how to navigate the situation, especially interested in the women's perspective. I made the mistake of mentioning the sex, realizing that if that happened it would complicate things. Automatically a bunch of people started being harshly critical as if I was a low-life cheating, lying bastard.

 

4. I already had another date with #1 scheduled (3rd) and I intuitively felt that she might be ready to become physical based on how things went on the previous date. I still think she may be ready and waiting for me to initiate. As it worked out, we had a nice time but I didn't try to initiate.

 

5. So I've seen #1 three times, and #2 once. We all have active profiles, no sex has happened and no words of commitment or exclusivity have been said or implied. We're all free agents so to speak.

 

6. I am going to have to make a decision soon as to which I will focus on (assuming they both remain interested in me), but I need to get to know #2 a little better if for nothing else to not have "what-if's" circling through my head for the foreseeable future should I continue with #1.

 

I asked for perspective on navigating the situation and all of a sudden my ethics and morals are being questioned and I'm being called names. I think the quality of the participants on here is pretty low, but I do greatly appreciate those who have tried to understand and respond with thoughtful answers.

[kaylan]

This is easy OP.

 

1. Tell both women that you are dating around but enjoy their company.

 

2. Tell them you dont get physical with more than one gal at a time.

 

When Ive done this, the women will tell you whether or not they are doing the same thing and you take it from there. This isnt hard.

[PhillyDude]

No, it's not confusing if you read what I wrote and ignore the noise being made by the teenies who try to reinterpret everything. I'm going to state the facts in a way that will be difficult to misinterpret regardless of reading comprehension issues, and then I'm done.

 

1. I met two women I'm interested in on a dating site. One contacted me about a week ahead of the other. I was communicating with both before seeing either for the first time.

 

2. I had an initial meeting and then a date with #1 (that's 2 total meetings) before being able to schedule a meeting with the other. No sex.

 

3. I met #2 for a coffee date that went on for several hours. We clicked. I had already made up my mind that I would not see #2 a second time unless it seemed extraordinarily promising, which it did.

 

4. I started this thread to get some perspective on how to navigate the situation, especially interested in the women's perspective. I made the mistake of mentioning the sex, realizing that if that happened it would complicate things. Automatically a bunch of people started being harshly critical as if I was a low-life cheating, lying bastard.

 

4. I already had another date with #1 scheduled (3rd) and I intuitively felt that she might be ready to become physical based on how things went on the previous date. I still think she may be ready and waiting for me to initiate. As it worked out, we had a nice time but I didn't try to initiate.

 

5. So I've seen #1 three times, and #2 once. We all have active profiles, no sex has happened and no words of commitment or exclusivity have been said or implied. We're all free agents so to speak.

 

6. I am going to have to make a decision soon as to which I will focus on (assuming they both remain interested in me), but I need to get to know #2 a little better if for nothing else to not have "what-if's" circling through my head for the foreseeable future should I continue with #1.

 

I asked for perspective on navigating the situation and all of a sudden my ethics and morals are being questioned and I'm being called names. I think the quality of the participants on here is pretty low, but I do greatly appreciate those who have tried to understand and respond with thoughtful answers.

 

 

For me the decision would come down to

 

1. Distance

2. Personality

 

 

Since it's obvious you are attracted to both

[kimberlydoll]

Your ethics and morals have been called in to question because you admitted you wouldnt be upfront about it. Thats where you pissed off alot of people so no, I dont feel sorry for people attacking you.

 

Multi dating without sex is fine. Once sex is involved, it is wrong in my opinion unless both women are okay with it which is very unlikely to happen.

 

I wouldnt date you anyway....a guy who feels entitled to a sexual "test run" before exclusivity is not the kind of guy for me. I agree with kaylan- the stuff before sex is usually a good judge anyway

[kimberlydoll]

Ok, here's my situation... a few months out of a year-long relationship, went back on the dating site and have had a number of coffee dates thus far. There are two women I am quite interested in. One I've been out with twice and the other only the first coffee date but it went so well that I know there is potential and I'd like to see where it goes. I have a third date with the other woman tonight. I'm not used to this situation... in the past I've only had one possibility at a time in the works. I'm sure women find themselves in this situation fairly often and have to figure it out. Now I don't really have a problem multidating if I haven't had sex with any of them, which I haven't with either of the two in question here. But it might happen on the third date tonight since she's coming to my place and I'm cooking for her, and we were doing a few warm ups at the end of the last date.

 

I definitely want to date each of the women a few more times, but it's probably going to start feeling weird when I start having sex with either or both, because in the past, and in my mind, exclusivity and beginning a physical relationship have been one in the same. Based on what I've said so far, the logical answer is to delay having sex until i've made a choice (assuming both of them want to pursue a r). But the timing is offset and one is ready while the other is not, plus I really want to understand their sexuality potential/capacity before deciding.

 

I don't want to deceive but I also don't want to disclose all either. I guess I want to multidate for a few weeks but this playing the field thing is not in my nature nor anything I've done before.

 

So how would the wise women (and men) advise me to handle this... both in terms of how much to say to the two women and how to keep it straight in my own head?

 

1) If you want to keep dating both, dont have sex with her on the 3rd date. Id never have sex with anybody on the 3rd date and especially not someone online who I hardly know. 3rd date with a stranger you really dont know them... (at least when you meet someone else through a social circle you know other people to vouch for that person's character...downfall of online dating...)

 

2) yes itd be weird having sex with both. I have been in situations like this (ironically...ONLY with men I met online too!) and I dumped the guy when he had been sleeping with me and another person he met online without telling me

 

3) sounds like you just want sex and will use that as an excuse to do both of them. So are you going to compare both girls with how good they are in bed and use that as a deciding factor?

 

4) not disclosing information is deceiving...sorry bud but you wont convince me otherwise

[TheGuard13]

OP, I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

 

As an unattached person, you're only really obligated to tell them you're seeing someone else if it seems like things are getting "serious", if they ask, or hint that they want to know. Keep in mind, you're entitled to wonder what's going on in their lives as well. If you've only been on a few dates with each of them, I see nothing wrong with not telling them at this point if it hasn't come up. People move at their own pace.

 

If it comes up, then just be honest. You're dating right now, trying to find someone you're compatible with, and that involves seeing different women. This can potentially make some women want you more, because they might see you as desirable if you are seeing other women.

 

I went through this about two years ago. I was up front about it when it came up, and the two girls were fine with it for six months. I was intimate and having sex with both of them, and they knew it, and they were ok with it because things were good.

[kimberlydoll]

 

I went through this about two years ago. I was up front about it when it came up, and the two girls were fine with it for six months. I was intimate and having sex with both of them, and they knew it, and they were ok with it because things were good.

 

 

I know very few women who would genuinely be okay with that arrangement...odds are one of his 2 women wouldnt be

[TheGuard13]

I know very few women who would genuinely be okay with that arrangement...odds are one of his 2 women wouldnt be

 

Then she wouldn't be ok with it, and maybe he/she should move on. What they want doesn't really matter. What he wants is the issue at hand, because its his dating life and his dating process.

 

OP, if you're having issues deciding between them, I would say absolutely have sex with both of them at least a few times before you begin to make a decision. If sexual compatability is a concern, you don't want to choose one and then realize the sex isn't good.

 

You just need to use some common sense. If she starts acting like you're exclusive, or indicates she wants to be, then yes, it's time to have "the talk". But if it doesn't come up, and things are very casual, no, you're not deceiving anyone by not telling them everything about your life and your plans right off the bat.

[kimberlydoll]

Threads like this make me pretty happy to be single. If a woman was dating multiple men and sleeping with them both to test them out as potential boyfriends, boy would I grab some popcorn and watch the responses.

[RedRobin]

This can potentially make some women want you more, because they might see you as desirable if you are seeing other women..

 

This is a myth some men like to promote in order to justify seeing multiple women.

[TheGuard13]

This is a myth some men like to promote in order to justify seeing multiple women

 

No, it's an actual thing that happens with some women (and men).

 

"Monkey see, monkey do" and all that.

[kimberlydoll]

No, it's an actual thing that happens with some women (and men).

 

"Monkey see, monkey do" and all that.

 

Most women with self respect will not be into your dating style.

 

I could see you frequenting PUA forums. Alot of your posts seem like it.

[Shardish]

I don't know how men can multi-date, I am more than content with one woman nevermind two, three or four women.

 

These men must have deep pockets and penises made out of titanium.

[kaylan]

This is a myth some men like to promote in order to justify seeing multiple women.

This.

 

Ive only ever experienced one woman in my dating history, who made a strong move to hook up with me after finding out I had hooked up with another woman. And this girl who put the moves on me was one of the worst girls I had ever dated...dishonest, disrespectful, full of drama, and tbh, rather slutty.

 

Any other girl I have known whos been into me, has never seemed happy when finding out I was taken, or that I was seeing someone else casually. And my guy friends have experienced the same thing. The only girls who get excited by a guy screwing around with other women, arent women of great quality themselves....and chances are they are doing the same thing.

 

A girl looking for a relationship would quickly be gone if she found out the guy she was interested in was getting physical with someone else.

[kaylan]

I don't know how men can multi-date, I am more than content with one woman nevermind two, three or four women.

 

These men must have deep pockets and penises made out of titanium.

Well sometimes people multidate in order to keep options and keep their dating life active. Because you really never know whats going to happen with someone youre dating. I mean, every single time I thing I have a situation pegged properly, things happen that I didnt see coming.

 

Basically, Ill always let girls know if Im keeping my options open, but Ill never be physical with more than 1 girl at a time. And tbh, usually once I become physical with a girl...Im just too wrapped up in her to have time for other girls. I might lightly text other girls if I have a little extra interest left over...but thats usually as far as it goes.

[PhillyDude]

Well sometimes people multidate in order to keep options and keep their dating life active. Because you really never know whats going to happen with someone youre dating. I mean, every single time I thing I have a situation pegged properly, things happen that I didnt see coming.

 

Basically, Ill always let girls know if Im keeping my options open, but Ill never be physical with more than 1 girl at a time. And tbh, usually once I become physical with a girl...Im just too wrapped up in her to have time for other girls. I might lightly text other girls if I have a little extra interest left over...but thats usually as far as it goes.

 

 

ANd it's nothing wrong with it

[TheGuard13]

Most women with self respect will not be into your dating style.

 

I could see you frequenting PUA forums. Alot of your posts seem like it.

 

Well that's good...because I don't want to date "most women".

 

As for the rest of that...

 

What?