Not a multidater, but...

[silvermercy]

I'm female. If I was one of those women I'd immediately dump you. I'd do that even BEFORE you had sex with one of them.

 

Not disclosing is equal to lying through omission. This is pure cake-eating!

 

You'd also be putting my health into higher risk of STDs if you slept with one of them and I didn't know. I mean WTF!? Seriously!?!?!? This is such a huge deal-breaker, it makes my blood boil just thinking about the risk of being deceived like that!! Especially when it comes to my personal health!

Edited February 24, 2013 by silvermercy

[FitChick]

Unless you have had the "exclusive talk," you should assume the other person is dating other people. I do.

[silvermercy]

Unless you have had the "exclusive talk," you should assume the other person is dating other people. I do.

In my country, and most European countries as far as I know, it's the exact opposite: you assume you are exclusive from the start. Thank goodness...

"Multi-dating" and "exclusive talks" are not terms in existence here. I first learned about them here.

 

Regardless, I feel very strongly about the higher risk of STDs anyway.

[Eggplant]

From my experience in Spain, the young people socialize a lot more in groups and get to know each other. Maybe asking somebody out on an official date is a big step.

 

In the U.S., particularly when people are on-line dating, people don't know each other. So the purpose of a "date" is to meet people in the first place. Hence a first date is a much more casual thing.

 

I personally chose not to be physical until I'm in a committed relationship (>>3dates). But perhaps in your country, the act in and of itself of requesting a date is requesting exclusivity.

[silvermercy]

Exclusivity is most definitely not a given in the UK, though I would agree that it's often not openly discussed. Then again, lots of things aren't openly discussed in the UK... but they go on just the same.

I've lived in the UK for a while and I don't think this is as extensive as in the US. Not counting "chavs" though... lol

[ThaWholigan]

Exclusivity is most definitely not a given in the UK, though I would agree that it's often not openly discussed. Then again, lots of things aren't openly discussed in the UK... but they go on just the same.

True. Nobody confronts anything, then when sh*t happens, everyone goes "Uh, OMG, Uh!"

[silvermercy]

At least here, it's a little easier to just have the discussion and we kind of know that, until it's been had, everything is pretty much fair game (if you don't, well you find out pretty quickly). I would never assume exclusivity until the matter had been openly acknowledged.

If you put it that way, then, yes, I agree it's easier! LOL

Problem is most people operate on different wavelengths about this... Talk. I really wish there was an exclusivity Standard for everyone in the world to adhere to.

 

(Back to the OP's problem, even if they don't have the exclusivity talk, the approach he's thinking of taking is closer to a player's than a multi-dater's).

[RedRobin]

I am female.

 

If these women would be hurt that you would date somebody else after being physically intimate, then they should not sleep with you after 3 dates, but rather wait to be exclusive. If they want to sleep with you, without being in a committed relationship, that's of course their personal choice. But you never owe a woman because you slept with her.

 

You have not committed to them, and they have not committed to you. They have no reasonable expectation of exclusivity.

 

I feel the burden of responsibility is on the OP to make his situation clear.

 

It would be wise of these women to seek clarity as well, of course.

 

Personally, I'd dump a guy for even pushing for sex with me while dating other women and him failing to seek clarity in advance. I have zero tolerance for multi-daters and the 'exclusivity' talk does not go over well for me either.

 

If he needs to date and juggle multiple people then our values don't match... then again, I don't date strangers.

Edited February 24, 2013 by RedRobin

[salparadise]

We had a great time last night. I cooked dinner at my place and we went out and listened to live music for a few hours. Otherwise it was uneventful and she went home. Neither of us seem to be in a big hurry and that's just fine. Lot's of talking, laughing, affection, connection flowing naturally. So the pressure is off for the moment in terms of making decisions or disclosures. She is a really cool, interesting person. I like her and I don't want to do anything that would hurt or disappoint her and I believe she's the same. She is as genuine as can be.

 

But here's the deal... the dating thing is a two way street (as monicaelise, fit chick and eggplant astutely articulated). Both have active profiles and I have to assume that they are open to all possibilities. While it may be novel for me to have two exciting possibilities at once, these are smart, attractive, well educated modern women. They probably have more than two knockin at any given time–– it would be foolish of me to assume otherwise. Or to make assumptions with respect to their expectations in the absence of any communication on the matter.

[RedRobin]

We had a great time last night. I cooked dinner at my place and we went out and listened to live music for a few hours. Otherwise it was uneventful and she went home. Neither of us seem to be in a big hurry and that's just fine. Lot's of talking, laughing, affection, connection flowing naturally. So the pressure is off for the moment in terms of making decisions or disclosures. She is a really cool, interesting person. I like her and I don't want to do anything that would hurt or disappoint her and I believe she's the same. She is as genuine as can be.

 

But here's the deal... the dating thing is a two way street (as monicaelise, fit chick and eggplant astutely articulated). Both have active profiles and I have to assume that they are open to all possibilities. While it may be novel for me to have two exciting possibilities at once, these are smart, attractive, well educated modern women. They probably have more than two knockin at any given time–– it would be foolish of me to assume otherwise. Or to make assumptions with respect to their expectations in the absence of any communication on the matter.

 

uh huh... rationalize all day if you please...

 

I'm sure I leave the same impression with men I date... and with that, I give them plenty of rope to hang themselves by.

 

If they are establishing a growing emotional connection with me and they feel the need to keep seeing others to hedge bets.... or tell themselves that I am (likely) seeing others so they should as well.... then they are on the path to being dumped as soon as it becomes clear that he has been pursuing others while dating me.

 

Your example is the biggest reason why I don't do OLD anymore. Lots of people (both men and women) telling themselves whatever is convenient so they can get as many goodies as possible and make things as vague as possible in order to prop up their egos.

 

... then when one of them decides to stop seeing you, I imagine you will tell yourself she just found a better deal or met someone else... when there is a very real possibility she might just view you as a cake-eater and questionable integrity.

 

I know I do.

 

Not quite clear how many dates you've already been on with both... but your window of opportunity IS likely closing soon because soon you will have to start lying about where you spend your time... Good luck with that.

Edited February 24, 2013 by RedRobin

[salparadise]

uh huh... rationalize all day if you please...

 

I'm sure I leave the same impression with men I date... and with that, I give them plenty of rope to hang themselves by.

 

If they are establishing a growing emotional connection with me and they feel the need to keep seeing others to hedge bets.... or tell themselves that I am (likely) seeing others so they should as well.... then they are on the path to being dumped as soon as it becomes clear that he has been pursuing others while dating me.

 

Ok, since you have a differing opinion and seem to be willing to discuss it rationally without name calling, I'll bite. So what you're saying then is that to you, dating is always exclusive... if you meet someone and go out, then you expect exclusivity from that point forward without a word being spoken? So then, when you were online, did you take down your profile after a successful first date and expect the same from the guy?

 

Your example is the biggest reason why I don't do OLD anymore. Lots of people (both men and women) telling themselves whatever is convenient so they can get as many goodies as possible and make things as vague as possible in order to prop up their egos.

 

I don't think this is either a fair or accurate characterization. It's not about egos, it's about hope for a great relationship and having chanced upon two interesting people, and timing. It's also not a one gender thing- women have always cultivated multiple options, set up competitions between suitors and so forth. Could it be that you just can't tolerate the thought of being on the receiving end of what men have had to endure through the millennia?

 

... then when one of them decides to stop seeing you, I imagine you will tell yourself she just found a better deal or met someone else... when there is a very real possibility she might just view you as a cake-eater and questionable integrity.

 

I know I do.

 

You sure are judgmental sort of fem aren't you? Its obvious from the divergence of opinions expressed in this thread that this is not a black and white issue. Then you declare that anyone with a perspective that is not aligned with your personal expectations is of questionable integrity. I think you're just wrong about that.

 

Not quite clear how many dates you've already been on with both... but your window of opportunity IS likely closing soon because soon you will have to start lying about where you spend your time... Good luck with that.

 

If you had read the first post you would know. One thing I will guarantee is that I will not lying to either of them about where I am or how I spend my time. And if one of these ladies proves to have the expectation that I am accountable to her for my whereabouts, then she will have eliminated herself from further consideration. I don't think that will happen though, as we are all too mature for that nonsense.

[RedRobin]

Ok, since you have a differing opinion and seem to be willing to discuss it rationally without name calling, I'll bite. So what you're saying then is that to you, dating is always exclusive... if you meet someone and go out, then you expect exclusivity from that point forward without a word being spoken? So then, when you were online, did you take down your profile after a successful first date and expect the same from the guy?

 

In real life, yes. I assume that if they are asking me out that they are not dating anyone.

 

When I did OLD, I expected that a handful of successful dates (3-5 or so) was a sufficient 'interview' period to decide if they wanted to date more. I sometimes later discovered these men were having sex with other women during this period... and I dumped them. Or they had difficulties disengaging from other women/opportunities after this period... so I also dumped them.

 

I'm not about twisting anyone's arm. If I agree to go on a future date with a guy it is because I'm sincerely interested in knowing HIM... not keeping my plate full with options.

 

If he's not interested in the same from me... then it's not going to work because there is a disconnect in values/expectations.

 

 

I don't think this is either a fair or accurate characterization. It's not about egos, it's about hope for a great relationship and having chanced upon two interesting people, and timing.

 

uh, huh. (teeny-tiny violin playing in the background).

 

It's also not a one gender thing- women have always cultivated multiple options, set up competitions between suitors and so forth. Could it be that you just can't tolerate the thought of being on the receiving end of what men have had to endure through the millennia?

 

No, they haven't. I don't compete for men and I don't set up situations where a man would have to compete against another man for me. If you enjoy that kind of dynamic, then fine. Seems like a lot of drama to me. Evaluate the person across you on their own merits... not comparisons. Tough to do when juggling.

 

You sure are judgmental sort of fem aren't you? Its obvious from the divergence of opinions expressed in this thread that this is not a black and white issue. Then you declare that anyone with a perspective that is not aligned with your personal expectations is of questionable integrity. I think you're just wrong about that.

 

Do whatever you want. No skin off my nose. Men with your values/approach don't get far with me... and because I don't do OLD anymore, it is a lot easier to avoid them. So, stick with OLD then. Seems like the style and people who do it are a better fit for you and share your values.

 

If you had read the first post you would know. One thing I will guarantee is that I will not lying to either of them about where I am or how I spend my time. And if one of these ladies proves to have the expectation that I am accountable to her for my whereabouts, then she will have eliminated herself from further consideration. I don't think that will happen though, as we are all too mature for that nonsense.

 

No, they aren't accountable to me for their whereabouts. It just comes up and becomes rather difficult to avoid at some point when she asks you to do something and you are 'unavailable' for whatever reason. Then you become obliged to make up stories or be vague. Not something that builds intimacy or helps me get to know them.

 

Sorry, not my cuppa...

[salparadise]

When I did OLD, I expected that a handful of successful dates (3-5 or so) was a sufficient 'interview' period to decide if they wanted to date more. I sometimes later discovered these men were having sex with other women during this period... and I dumped them. Or they had difficulties disengaging from other women/opportunities after this period... so I also dumped them.

 

I am still well within the 3-5 date range. Had the 3rd date with the first last night and have only had the first coffee date with the other.

 

Funny you should mention dumping for not disengaging... I did almost the same a few weeks ago. Met a woman online who acted as though she wanted to be exclusive from the start. She went to some length to make me feel as though I was the only person she was focused on. Said she was taking down her profile because she was through with OLD. But before we had even had a chance to meet in person (a week) she was adding new pics, editing her profile and spending time on the site every day (not looking at my profile). Then when we met she continued trying to create this impression, as if I was too naive to notice the divergence between words and actions. I also picked up on a few other incongruencies in things she had said previously. Communication patterns was inconsistent, erratic. She was trying to create a separate reality in head, and obviously wasn't very good at it. I finally just sent her a text message and told her she wouldn't be hearing from me again and didn't bother to explain why. She was disingenuous from the core, probably had mental issues of some sort. She was a stunner in terms of looks and she talked a big game, but damn that woman was out there.

 

Men with your values/approach don't get far with me... and because I don't do OLD anymore, it is a lot easier to avoid them. So, stick with OLD then. Seems like the style and people who do it are a better fit for you and share your values.

 

You have no clue as to what my values and approach are because you are prone to making snap judgements before reading thoroughly. The whole reason this thread exists is because the issues we've been discussing aren't very familiar to me, and because I want to be fair and treat everyone with respect. I was seeking perspective from some females to help guide me through it.

 

This forum is a rough place to try and have an open, honest discussion. There are so many here whose default mode is the harshest possible criticism and reinterpretation of the original intent. I really appreciate the feedback from those who don't do this regardless of whether they agree or disagree.

[CryForNoOne]

Wow. I'm floored by some of the hostile responses here. I read nothing by the OP to suggest he had any devious intent here. Sometimes there is just overlap and you meet more than one person you are interested in. Even after sex, there is no automatic exclusivity expressed or implied unless its discussed. What is this the 1950s? Seriously.

 

I met a girl last Saturday and setup a date for this Sunday. Last Sunday I met another that I've already seen three times this week. I also have a FB with a relationship we both agreed to end the moment we start seeing someone for real. There's no deception here. It's totally nutty to me to start talking about other people you are/have been involved with while you're in the early dating stages. At the point I that I either feel one of those relationships is developing into a committed relationship, I will end it amicably with the other two.

[Eggplant]

Based on some other comments, I see that some women think that a man in the process of establishing an emotional connection, if he is a good person, will not date other women and remain loyal. I disagree; I think there are good men out who might have an emotional connection, but not assume that he is obligated to you for that emotional connection. If he's not ready to commit, does that mean he should be cold and not bond?

 

I have the understanding that men's ability to commit emotionally ebbs and flows. Something to do with the natural ebb and flow of testosterone. His emotional commitment will come in waves. Therefore, just because we bonded one day doesn't mean tomorrow he doesn't need his space, might not be so certain. I view dating therefore as a sort of dance, back and force, not a linear path. I'm not a man. So men, please let me know if I'm wrong so I can change my dating behavior.

 

Given that belief about men in general, until a man is ready to commit and be 100% exclusive, "will you be my girlfriend?", I am meeting other people. There may be 1 man that I am truly hoping for, but I cannot afford to give my loyalty and time freely to a man who hasn't committed to me yet. And if he likes me enough, he'll take that exclusivity step, and there won't be an issue.

 

As far as how the OP should handle it, I recommend honestly not sleeping with a woman until you're exclusive. But if you want to, just make sure she understands that you're not exclusive yet. That way you're covered!

[RedRobin]

You have no clue as to what my values and approach are because you are prone to making snap judgements before reading thoroughly. The whole reason this thread exists is because the issues we've been discussing aren't very familiar to me, and because I want to be fair and treat everyone with respect. I was seeking perspective from some females to help guide me through it.

 

This forum is a rough place to try and have an open, honest discussion. There are so many here whose default mode is the harshest possible criticism and reinterpretation of the original intent. I really appreciate the feedback from those who don't do this regardless of whether they agree or disagree.

 

I read plenty... like one of the posters mentioned, some of your language and explanations are incongruous with someone who is sincerely not a "multi-dater" or who is struggling with it.

 

Whatever hostility you think you are experiencing is because of this.

Edited February 24, 2013 by RedRobin

[iKING]

You could also say, "hey, I was thinking about f*cking another woman and continue dating you since I'm not sure what your values are... How do you feel about that?"... or something along those lines.

 

Or... "How about we sexually test drive each other for (fill in the blank) time then decide if we want to go on another date. and just so ya know, there is someone else I'm test driving as well. If the "CarFAX" test checks out, I'll give you a call sometime next week." Wink...

 

All possible discussions you could have...

 

Ahh, you have a way with words. That last part was pretty funny.

 

The whole basis of this thread is a tad contradicting.

I'm not a multi-dater, but I'm multi-dating.

 

Not to say It's wrong or right, I'm just a tad confused really.

[RedRobin]

As far as how the OP should handle it, I recommend honestly not sleeping with a woman until you're exclusive. But if you want to, just make sure she understands that you're not exclusive yet. That way you're covered!

 

Agreed.....

[RedRobin]

Ahh, you have a way with words. That last part was pretty funny.

 

The whole basis of this thread is a tad contradicting.

I'm not a multi-dater, but I'm multi-dating.

 

Not to say It's wrong or right, I'm just a tad confused really.

 

Hah! Yes, I edited that out to try not to be so inflammatory... got me!

 

But yea, in a nutshell, I feel all the dancing around CAN be summed up with questions like that... ain't pretty, is it??

[iKING]

Hah! Yes, I edited that out to try not to be so inflammatory... got me!

 

But yea, in a nutshell, I feel all the dancing around CAN be summed up with questions like that... ain't pretty, is it??

 

The truth aint' pretty! Have to agree with the blatant honesty, it tends to define the not-so obvious.

[AMusing]

This forum is a rough place to try and have an open, honest discussion. There are so many here whose default mode is the harshest possible criticism and reinterpretation of the original intent. I really appreciate the feedback from those who don't do this regardless of whether they agree or disagree.

 

Wow sal, you've obviously hit a nerve with a lot of posters here. Full disclosure, you hit a nerve with me, too, although I don't think you deserve the hostility you've received. Realizing a guy you really like has been seeing another woman hurts. It hurts our feelings, our pride, and even our trust in you. It makes us feel (true or not) that you really aren't very into either of us: if you were, choosing wouldn't be so hard.

 

I'm currently dating a guy who saw me and another woman simultaneously for almost two months (he met her earlier, so actually dated her for three months). When I found out about it--even though he had stopped seeing her several weeks prior to me finding out, and we'd never had an exclusivity talk beforehand--I very nearly stopped seeing him. I posted about it on LS, actually, it bothered me so much. Logically, he (and you) didn't do anything wrong; emotionally, it still hurt. I decided to keep giving him a chance, and I'm glad I did, but damage was done. A month later, I'm still less open with him, more hesitant, than I would have been otherwise.

 

Consider being honest with these women. Especially if you sleep with one or both of them! There is nothing inherently wrong with dating multiple people at the same time, but there is something sketchy about keeping it secret. Think about it. If you do end up in a relationship with one of the two women, isn't it better to start out with a foundation of honesty and openness, rather than starting off swallowing disappointment and hurt feelings?

[kaylan]

You dont need full blown sex to figure out if you are compatible with both of the ladies. Once I have sex with one girl, I dont get physical with other women. Most people do not want someone they like sleeping with them and someone else.

 

Id limit it to making out, and maybe having some discussions about what each of you enjoy sexually. Personally, the way a girl and I makeout has not been too far off from how the sex is.

[kaylan]

As well it should've been– you are entitled to your opinion but I doubt that I'll ever give it any credence. Your reading comprehension skills need a bit of work and you need to think twice before you hit the post button. It is entirely possible to deliver criticism or opposing opinions in a respectful manner.

 

Regarding the matter at hand, you are simply wrong in your assessment. I am not lying to anyone, and have no intention of lying to anyone. I am asking for advice on how to navigate a potentially touchy situation with integrity and finesse (look up those words). My intention is to be completely authentic, but that doesn't necessarily mean one is obliged to verbalize every thought that passes between one's ears. The reason I ask especially for the women's perspective is that they are probably more often in the situation of being pursued by more than one man and have learned how to do that dance without being disingenuous.

 

Since the women also have profiles on the dating site it is only fair to assume that they are in the same situation, at least until there is an exclusivity conversation. I believe the general consensus is that we are not exclusive until that happens. And no, I have not been a multidater in the past and don't intend to make it a practice in the future, however, with multiple possibilities I do need to date them both several times to sort this out. I don't think that is being disingenuous and I don't think I need to inform them per se.

When it comes to sex, respect, and health, YOU ARE required to divulge whether or not you are getting physical with anyone else if you expect things to move forward with either girl.

 

I usually have these convos about expectations before having sex. Me and the girl Im seeing now were talking about our friends and already said we couldnt be like them and sleep with more than one person at a time. So her and I are on the same page.

 

Simply be honest and open and have these discussions and youll avoid problems

Like I said, no credence whatsoever. In fact, your azz is blocked.

Grow up. Why so butthurt because he gave an honest opinion? And yes, the credence is there, but you are upset that rocket's opinion is critical of your morals.

 

Hes got you pegged perfectly. Its not hard to have these sex discussions or multidating discussions with women. Either they are down with it or they arent. Ive seen MANY guys do what you are doing, and its always been that the guy wants to date around and have sex with more than one woman, but doesnt dare let the women know that because he knows they wouldnt go for that.

 

At least be honest about your intentions without putting up a facade for us or the women youre dating.

Edited February 24, 2013 by kaylan

[PhillyDude]

The fact that you are able to multi-date lets me know you must have a nice job because I know that treating more than one woman will start to add up for me. Even if it's only 2 woman lol

 

Must be nice to date 2 woman at one time since u don't have to put all your eggs in one basket.

[PhillyDude]

Why is the OP being criticized when he is just making sure he has dating insurance?

 

What's wrong with making sure he will not be ALONE by dating more than one person?