salparadise Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) Ok, here's my situation... a few months out of a year-long relationship, went back on the dating site and have had a number of coffee dates thus far. There are two women I am quite interested in. One I've been out with twice and the other only the first coffee date but it went so well that I know there is potential and I'd like to see where it goes. I have a third date with the other woman tonight. I'm not used to this situation... in the past I've only had one possibility at a time in the works. I'm sure women find themselves in this situation fairly often and have to figure it out. Now I don't really have a problem multidating if I haven't had sex with any of them, which I haven't with either of the two in question here. But it might happen on the third date tonight since she's coming to my place and I'm cooking for her, and we were doing a few warm ups at the end of the last date. I definitely want to date each of the women a few more times, but it's probably going to start feeling weird when I start having sex with either or both, because in the past, and in my mind, exclusivity and beginning a physical relationship have been one in the same. Based on what I've said so far, the logical answer is to delay having sex until i've made a choice (assuming both of them want to pursue a r). But the timing is offset and one is ready while the other is not, plus I really want to understand their sexuality potential/capacity before deciding. I don't want to deceive but I also don't want to disclose all either. I guess I want to multidate for a few weeks but this playing the field thing is not in my nature nor anything I've done before. So how would the wise women (and men) advise me to handle this... both in terms of how much to say to the two women and how to keep it straight in my own head? Edited February 23, 2013 by salparadise
rocketman122 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Ok, here's my situation... a few months out of a year-long relationship, went back on the dating site and have had a number of coffee dates thus far. There are two women I am quite interested in. One I've been out with twice and the other only the first coffee date but it went so well that I know there is potential and I'd like to see where it goes. I have a third date with the other woman tonight. I'm not used to this situation... in the past I've only had one possibility at a time in the works. I'm sure women find themselves in this situation fairly often and have to figure it out. Now I don't really have a problem multidating if I haven't had sex with any of them, which I haven't with either of the two in question here. But it might happen on the third date tonight since she's coming to my place and I'm cooking for her, and we were doing a few warm ups at the end of the last date. I definitely want to date each of the women a few more times, but it's probably going to start feeling weird when I start having sex with either or both, because in the past, and in my mind, exclusivity and beginning a physical relationship have been one in the same. Based on what I've said so far, the logical answer is to delay having sex until i've made a choice (assuming both of them want to pursue a r). But the timing is offset and one is ready while the other is not, plus I really want to understand their sexuality potential/capacity before deciding. I don't want to deceive but I also don't want to disclose all either. I guess I want to multidate for a few weeks but this playing the field thing is not in my nature nor anything I've done before. So how would the wise women (and men) advise me to handle this... both in terms of how much to say to the two women and how to keep it straight in my own head? my first post was removed for being harsh, so I will repost something that will be more civil. make no mistake, you are deceiving them because youre not being honest. youre just going along for the ride when the person on the other side is expecting a one on one relationship. youre not a multi dater..but yet you very much are. tell the women youre dating others and see if they stay. 2
Author salparadise Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Thanks monicaelise, It helps to hear a woman's perspective on this. I don't mean to be presumptuous and realize that I might not be the one choosing in either case, but unless something develops quickly (which I'm not trying to do) this situation may present itself a few times before a relationship blossoms. The last time I think I jumped in too soon, and although it was a good relationship for the most part, and a growth experience, there were inherent compatibility factors, and sex ended up being one of them a few months in (which I couldn't have predicted or prevented since is seemed fine at first). I want to try and get that part right, so I'm of the same opinion as you... that it will happen first, before exclusivity. I know there are women of my generation (50s) who won't feel the same way. I really dread having to say to anyone I've just slept with that I want to do again but not to be exclusive. A lot of them would say adios at that moment I believe. Anyway, I agree that taking things one day at a time and one date at a time is the way to go for the moment. I'm definitely ready for one of those spins as you call them... haven't had one in months! 1
Author salparadise Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) my first post was removed for being harsh, so I will repost something that will be more civil. make no mistake, you are deceiving them because youre not being honest. youre just going along for the ride when the person on the other side is expecting a one on one relationship. youre not a multi dater..but yet you very much are. tell the women youre dating others and see if they stay. As well it should've been– you are entitled to your opinion but I doubt that I'll ever give it any credence. Your reading comprehension skills need a bit of work and you need to think twice before you hit the post button. It is entirely possible to deliver criticism or opposing opinions in a respectful manner. Regarding the matter at hand, you are simply wrong in your assessment. I am not lying to anyone, and have no intention of lying to anyone. I am asking for advice on how to navigate a potentially touchy situation with integrity and finesse (look up those words). My intention is to be completely authentic, but that doesn't necessarily mean one is obliged to verbalize every thought that passes between one's ears. The reason I ask especially for the women's perspective is that they are probably more often in the situation of being pursued by more than one man and have learned how to do that dance without being disingenuous. Since the women also have profiles on the dating site it is only fair to assume that they are in the same situation, at least until there is an exclusivity conversation. I believe the general consensus is that we are not exclusive until that happens. And no, I have not been a multidater in the past and don't intend to make it a practice in the future, however, with multiple possibilities I do need to date them both several times to sort this out. I don't think that is being disingenuous and I don't think I need to inform them per se. Edited February 23, 2013 by salparadise
rocketman122 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 As well it should've been– you are entitled to your opinion but I doubt that I'll ever give it any credence. Your reading comprehension skills need a bit of work and you need to think twice before you hit the post button. It is entirely possible to deliver criticism or opposing opinions in a respectful manner. Regarding the matter at hand, you are simply wrong in your assessment. I am not lying to anyone, and have no intention of lying to anyone. I am asking for advice on how to navigate a potentially touchy situation with integrity and finesse (look up those words). My intention is to be completely authentic, but that doesn't necessarily mean one is obliged to verbalize every thought that passes between one's ears. The reason I ask especially for the women's perspective is that they are probably more often in the situation of being pursued by more than one man and have learned how to do that dance without being disingenuous. and thats your problem right. the fact that youre not telling them is you not being honest. I see exactly who you are a person. this post of you playing it off so cool that youre just "trying" and seeing how it goes tell me you have no ethical or moral values. like I said, I dare you to tell the women that youre dating others and then see if they stay. dont play it off like youre so innocent. at least come out and say "I want to try multi dating" have some fun without commitment. I would respect you for being open and honest. you make it see like its no big deal. when you play with other peoples feeling youre just another creep man that ruins the good guys reps. I see right through you! what, are you wanting women approval for you dating many women at once? youre obviously doing it because you have a heavy conscience. I can tell you that women in the age bracket youre dating will have a big problem with you multi dating. if they were younger, I think they would care less as it seems much more the norm. but go ahead and tell them what youre doing. be HONEST and have INTEGRITY and do the right thing. its not me you have to convince that what youre doing is ok. tell the women and then see how they smack you across the face and walk away. date one at a time. I can tell you that I look very good and I dont date more than 1 at a time. I have a lot of options. an old 50YO limpy trying to be a playboy huh! finesse my azz! and yes, you are obliged to tell them upfront. its called honesty and integrity..look it up, cause you left yours at the door;) 1
Author salparadise Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 I see exactly who you are a person. this post of you playing it off so cool that youre just "trying" and seeing how it goes tell me you have no ethical or moral values. Like I said, no credence whatsoever. In fact, your azz is blocked.
rocketman122 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Since the women also have profiles on the dating site it is only fair to assume that they are in the same situation, at least until there is an exclusivity conversation. I believe the general consensus is that we are not exclusive until that happens. And no, I have not been a multidater in the past and don't intend to make it a practice in the future, however, with multiple possibilities I do need to date them both several times to sort this out. I don't think that is being disingenuous and I don't think I need to inform them per se. exclusivity has nothing to do with multi dating. youre doing this from the beginning. exclusivity is later on. and dont assume anything. you make a fool of yourself. which till now, youre doing so very well. at least dont lie, which you are doing. lets look at what you wrote: im not a multidater-but you are honesty-you are not integrity-you dont have any deceive- you are deceiving them. tell them and let them decide if they want to continue. let them decide for themselves without secrets. I like how you play it off like its no big thing but I can tell you, that if you dont tell them and they find out, you will have no chance at all. 1
sid3 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Are you really an old 50 year old limpy OP? If that's the case, maybe its understandable why you're waiting to judge them based on their sexuality potential. 1
Lonely Ronin Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Like I said, no credence whatsoever. In fact, your azz is blocked. Most women regardless of age, expect exclusivity after they sleep with you. All your really saying is I want to get as far as I can with each of them, and then I'll choose what one I want. What your doing sounds a lot like what a player does, at least be a man and own up to it. 3
Author salparadise Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Most women regardless of age, expect exclusivity after they sleep with you. In some cultures they expect marriage. All your really saying is I want to get as far as I can with each of them, and then I'll choose what one I want. What your doing sounds a lot like what a player does, at least be a man and own up to it. No, that's not all I'm really saying. Isn't it ironic how the hardtails get their noses out of joint at the mere suggestion that another man would consider dating two women for a brief time to determine which one is the most likely relationship material... and the one woman that has responded understands this precisely? That's why I asked for some female perspective. Guys, there will still be a few females left over, but you're going to have to settle down and talk sense if you're going to get them to like you.
RedRobin Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) The reason I ask especially for the women's perspective is that they are probably more often in the situation of being pursued by more than one man and have learned how to do that dance without being disingenuous.. There are lots of things you can learn about sexual compatibility without having sex with someone... and I'm not talking about oral, manual methods. I'm talking about the day-to-day stuff, interests... heck, even sense of humor. If you are not a kid (and it sounds like you aren't) these are conversations that are easily had with someone you'd be anticipating something more serious with. I get it that lots of people aren't honest about sexual things, but that is even more reason to get know someone before having sex. As for me... I'm experienced enough to not have to sexually check the box before deciding to become exclusive... because 99% of physical details are manageable and learnable. Things like empathy, consideration, and respect... the things that will either make initially so-so sex amazing when given time... or initially amazing sex worse than hell over time and wish you never went there... those you don't learn about jumping into bed with a near stranger. ... but if you want to jump into bed with a near stranger and believe you can assess long term compatibility that way, go ahead. I don't think it does. ... and I also believe that the person who wants to have sex with more than one person simultaneously has the burden of making their relationship style clear to the other person... You aren't a kid. You don't just cross your fingers behind your back and 'hope' it doesn't come up while you test drive these women. Cause if you did that to me or one of my friends who feel similarly, you'd find yourself dumped even if you did ultimately 'choose' them. Edited February 23, 2013 by RedRobin 2
Lonely Ronin Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 and the one woman that has responded understands this precisely? That's why I asked for some female perspective. lol, monicaelise is your typical woman. Guys, there will still be a few females left over, but you're going to have to settle down and talk sense if you're going to get them to like you. lol, you obviously don't know me either, as this isn't an area i have a problem with.
Author salparadise Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 There are lots of things you can learn about sexual compatibility without having sex with someone... and I'm not talking about oral, manual methods. I'm talking about the day-to-day stuff, interests... heck, even sense of humor. If you are not a kid (and it sounds like you aren't) these are conversations that are easily had with someone you'd be anticipating something more serious with. I get it that lots of people aren't honest about sexual things, but that is even more reason to get know someone before having sex. As for me... I'm experienced enough to not have to sexually check the box before deciding to become exclusive... because 99% of physical details are manageable and learnable. Things like empathy, consideration, and respect... the things that will either make initially so-so sex amazing when given time... or initially amazing sex worse than hell over time and wish you never went there... those you don't learn about jumping into bed with a near stranger. ... but if you want to jump into bed with a near stranger and believe you can assess long term compatibility that way, go ahead. I don't think it does. So far both seem to be wonderful people with plenty of smarts, awareness, empathy, consideration, respect, etc. I look for all those before considering a second date because those are simply the baseline. Of course it takes time to really get to know someone, much longer than it takes for things to get physical for most people. I don't think it's possible to access long-term compatibility simply by sleeping with someone. I do think it's possible to sometimes determine that a person is way too inhibited or way too kinky to be a good match. People are reading into this that I am wanting to sleep with both women before deciding who I want to date and that's not the correct interpretation. What I said is that I've already dated on a few times and we've not had sex, and the other I've dated once, a coffee date that lasted 3 1/2 hours instead of 30 min to an hour like most. The one I've dated a few times may be ready to get physical and the other is surely not. My apprehension is that getting physical with the one will, by default, exclude ever knowing what the potential is with the other. It's not primarily about sex, but sex and the offset timing is making it tedious.
Casablanca Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 After a few dates you'll start to lean one way or the other...when you start leaning one way, tell the other woman you're not interested
Brunettie Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 You don't have to have sex on the 3rd date with the first woman. You can wait until things move along with the second woman to see where you stand with both, and who you want to pursue a relationship with.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 How would you like a woman who's multi-dating with you to handle it? Would you be OK with her sleeping with another guy and you at the same time? What if she didn't tell you, but after being together happily for a long time, she told you that she was sleeping with another guy while first getting to know you and sleeping with you? Personally, I think it's unethical to sleep with multiple people without making it clear to all your sex partners. If I started to get serious with someone and found out there had been crossover early on, it would ruin my good feelings for him and I'd end the relationship. I've never just dated around, but I think I'm about to try it. My plan is to date anyone I'm interested in, get to know them all, and not go any further than kissing. Once I feel it's a good idea to go for more with one of them, I'll stop dating the others and only date him. I'll make it clear to all of them that I'm dating others, as I wouldn't feel right without making that clear. 3
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 ... The last time I think I jumped in too soon, and although it was a good relationship for the most part, and a growth experience, there were inherent compatibility factors, and sex ended up being one of them a few months in (which I couldn't have predicted or prevented since is seemed fine at first). I want to try and get that part right, so I'm of the same opinion as you... that it will happen first, before exclusivity. I know there are women of my generation (50s) who won't feel the same way. I really dread having to say to anyone I've just slept with that I want to do again but not to be exclusive. A lot of them would say adios at that moment I believe... The thread title is somewhat disingenuous. You haven't multi-dated in the past because you lacked opportunity. Now that you finally have an opportunity, you are. Ditto for sex with one woman on a third date. Your choice to suggest a date at your house. Just own your choices and what you do, and you'll get less hostility and greater understanding both here and in dating. Honesty is always best. If your goal is to prevent a repeat, are you proposing to "test" drive both women for a few months first? That's your rationale for sleeping with them before deciding, right? It took a "few months" for the problem to surface with your previous GF. In that case, your best bet is to be completely honest and upfront before you have sex. Some women are OK with non-exclusive sex. Some are not. Your best shot at success would be to pick someone who is okay with your approach. Of course, it cuts both ways, and she will also be "test" driving with other guys to find the best driver for her. Good luck!
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Eh? What does that mean? Have I done something to offend you? The OP asked for a woman's perspective. I'm a woman, last I checked anyway, so I offered one. Am I not typical? I don't think I'm particularly atypical for my peer. If you're saying I am actually typical, isn't that a good thing for the OP? You're certainly entitled to your opinion, as is everyone else. The fact that you feel it's critical to give guys a spin around the track before deciding on a relationship shows the OP that there are some women out there who would be comfortable with what he proposes. He should focus on those. There's a lid for every pot!
Lonely Ronin Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Eh? What does that mean? Have I done something to offend you? No you didn't offend me. All it means, is that based on your posts you seem more open and care free about sex than most women.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 ...I wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without trying them on... And despite your personal philosophy on shoe shopping, Zappos is one of the largest, if not the largest, purveyor of shoes. The takeaway is that different people have different philosophies on these things. The best way to get a successful outcome is to be upfront about what you do, which helps you find someone who shares your views and will welcome your approach. Theoretically, you and the OP would be well-suited to each other. Things would implode with other posters. That's true about almost anything in life and dating.
Author salparadise Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 If your goal is to prevent a repeat, are you proposing to "test" drive both women for a few months first? That's your rationale for sleeping with them before deciding, right? It took a "few months" for the problem to surface with your previous GF. Complete misinterpretation. Go back and read post #15. So many people are seeing everything as good vs. evil that it tends to be assumed after awhile. I never said I wanted to "test drive both women for a few months." Those are not my works, thoughts or intentions. Please try and understand rather than twisting it into something it is not.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Complete misinterpretation. Go back and read post #15. So many people are seeing everything as good vs. evil that it tends to be assumed after awhile. I never said I wanted to "test drive both women for a few months." Those are not my works, thoughts or intentions. Please try and understand rather than twisting it into something it is not. A touch defensive, aren't we? Please point out where in the clarifying question I posed, you saw interpretation and "good vs. evil.":confused: It was a benign queston based on contradictory statements you made to rationalize your course of action. How will getting willy moist with both women a few times or for a few weeks as you propose help you determine if there is a problem that took months to surface last time after things were initially fine? You said you wanted to avoid repetition of this mistake, hence your need to take both women for a "spin." Why not just answer and provide a little clarity around your logic? I don't understand your hesitancy. Post #15 concludes that this has nothing to do with sex. Interesting since only a few posts earlier you claimed it had been months and you are more than ready to take one of monicaelise's "spins." If it's not about sex, then don't have sex. Better yet, don't invite your date over to cook dinner and get hot and heavy just yet. In your OP, you said preemptively that you wouldn't consider this option on your upcoming date, so I didn't originally suggest it as one option. If it really is about non-exclusive sex, then be upfront about dating and banging multiple women concurrently. Any other approach is likely to backfire on you. As you can see, certain posters are perfectly fine and understanding of what you propose. They do it themselves. The same will be true in the dating world. 1
Eggplant Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I am female. If these women would be hurt that you would date somebody else after being physically intimate, then they should not sleep with you after 3 dates, but rather wait to be exclusive. If they want to sleep with you, without being in a committed relationship, that's of course their personal choice. But you never owe a woman because you slept with her. You have not committed to them, and they have not committed to you. They have no reasonable expectation of exclusivity. 3
FitChick Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Too many men are lousy lovers and I wouldn't want to be stuck with one of them by demanding exclusivity immediately. When I was young, inexperienced and insecure, I wanted exclusivity ASAP. Now, if I liked two different men equally, the sex would be the deciding factor. In the OP's case, it's possible one or both women are also dating others, so no harm, no foul. He may choose one and she dumps him for someone else. Dating, like the stock market, is always a gamble. 1
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