Concern for MM now he has left W

[The hated OW]

I was friends with a MM and it turned into a whole heap more. We saw where the R was heading and tried to cut the R as even though him and the W were unhappy we felt it was wrong. We both spent a week in tears and in a complete mess. I realised pretty quick that I couldn't let the best that ever happened to me walk out of my life. I broke the silence and we admitted loving each other and at that point the A started. But after a few weeks he ended the marriage. As we had been friends for best part of a year his W knew I existed as we had previously had nothing to hide. His W and family can't see past me. His W knew they were over but still blames me. As he had never discussed the poor state of his marriage with his family they can't see he was unhappy and believe he's left purely to be with me. Turns out the W was talking to his parents about me and playing the role of feeling sorry for herself rather than discussing what was wrong with the marriage with her H. When the news broke his family cut him off dead and have sided with the W. I am his only support and am happy to give that - I have dealt with my own marriage break ups. However, he is devastated that he has lost the support of his entire family and that they won't listen to him. Anyone had a similar situation? Did the family come round? Thanks

[cocorico]

nyone had a similar situation? Did the family come round? Thanks

 

If they love him they will want what (and who) is best for him.

 

My situation was different in that his family met me, and knew about our R, during the A, and supported us all the way through. I hope that your BF's family will be able to move beyond whatever she's filled their heads with, and decide for themselves.

[spice4life]

That's awful. It seems odd that family would turn against their own blood like that. I knew my family was against divorce, so when I decided I had to leave my marriage I sat them down and told them ALL of the dirty details as to why. They were shocked at first, but came around immediately because they had no idea I was going through what I was going through. I was living in an emotionally abusive situation though and don't know if this helps or not.

[Decorative]

I would assume the wife was unaware that her marriage was as over as the MM reported to you.

 

There is a good chance she told the truth to his family, and that is why they have turned against him.

 

Remember, if it walks like a duck, and talks like duck, it's unlikely to be a zebra.

 

In this equation- you know the MM is a liar, because of the deceptive nature of an affair.

 

Unless you have directly spoken to his wife- you don't know the truth.

[spice4life]

If he is serious about ending his marriage then he should be proactive and get a counselor involved so he has some support. The therapist will help him communicate with his family in a way where they will hear what he has to say.

[Pierre]

I was friends with a MM and it turned into a whole heap more. We saw where the R was heading and tried to cut the R as even though him and the W were unhappy we felt it was wrong. We both spent a week in tears and in a complete mess. I realised pretty quick that I couldn't let the best that ever happened to me walk out of my life. I broke the silence and we admitted loving each other and at that point the A started. But after a few weeks he ended the marriage. As we had been friends for best part of a year his W knew I existed as we had previously had nothing to hide. His W and family can't see past me. His W knew they were over but still blames me. As he had never discussed the poor state of his marriage with his family they can't see he was unhappy and believe he's left purely to be with me. Turns out the W was talking to his parents about me and playing the role of feeling sorry for herself rather than discussing what was wrong with the marriage with her H. When the news broke his family cut him off dead and have sided with the W. I am his only support and am happy to give that - I have dealt with my own marriage break ups. However, he is devastated that he has lost the support of his entire family and that they won't listen to him. Anyone had a similar situation? Did the family come round? Thanks

 

 

I am happy to inform that you are among the most lucky OWs in the world. Now the coast is cleat for you to have a proper relationship with your guy.

 

I am not sure I see a problem. Why are you posting. It seems he was in an exit affair and the marriage was truly over.

 

Unless, he is lying to you.

 

Are you sure the he dumped his wife or could it be that the wife dumped him after d-day?

[beenburned]

Two red flags stood out to me:

 

You said him and the wife were unhappy. If the wife herself never told you this was true, then it might be a lie told to you by the MM.

 

You said he never discussed his unhappiness about his marriage with his family. Did he verbally tell his wife about how bad his unhappiness was before leaving or starting an affair with you?

[Silly_Girl]

I have seen similar happen. It takes a lot of time. It can improve, definitely.

[KathyM]

It sounds to me like the wife was blindsided and had no clue her husband was thinking of leaving the marriage, and he only did so because of you. Naturally, she is going to blame you for interfering in her marriage and coming between her and her husband and enticing him to leave her. Naturally, his family is going to be sympathetic to her and feel a lot of disappointment and disgust with their son/brother who pulled this stunt and had an affair and then left his wife and family. These feelings are not surprising at all, and his family will probably all continue to be disappointed in him and the choices he made, which destroyed his family. I imagine they will eventually reconcile their relationship with him, but it's doubtful they'll ever warm up to you, because they perceive you as the homewrecker who destroyed his marriage and his family. They'll probably just tolerate you for his sake, but under the circumstances, I wouldn't expect a warm reception from them.

[The hated OW]

Thanks for your comments.

 

To answer some of the points raised.

 

MM tried to speak to his family about his decision but W had already got in there first with her 'side'. I was told by MM that she was 'tight' was them and how right that turned out to be. The two of them haven't communicated for a couple of years and haven't shared a bed for even longer. MM never knew what she's up to from one day to the next. He called his family if he wanted to know where she was! Their only conversations were of a practical nature usually her asking him for more money in the joint account since without consulting him she dropped down to working part time. A lot of people come to me (funny but true) for help with their troubles because I am honest, trustworthy and not a gossip (the irony!). Initially my R with MM was no different to any other person that has approached me for a chat and therefore I tend to believe him. He had no reason to lie to me. He was hating himself as a person for feeling that he wanted out as had been brought up to a regime of "you made your bed, you lay in it". He honestly believed she was still in the marriage as he was a cash cow. He knew divorce would be more than frowned upon in his family, which is why he never spoke about it with them. I never felt great about ending up in love with a MM but the more we talked the closer we became. He ended up a sounding board for me too as I was getting over a marriage break up (another story - I was left with kids, no money, a mortgage to pay, joint debts to pay yada yada yada).

 

When the news broke none of them were surprised. In fact his parents said they were expecting him to have said something sooner. They can have only gathered this from W. I even wonder if W has manipulated the situation up front with his family in order that they put pressure on him to keep him paying for the house for her. I've seen this before.

 

We knew we wouldn't be popular but we didn't want to deceive anyone any longer and have to carry on skulking about. I can live with not being popular, they don't know me (likely never will) but he was just not prepared for his family to cut him off totally as whether they choose to accept it or not the marriage was a charade. He is really struggling to come to terms with that. He can't believe that they don't care how unhappy he was.

[Decorative]

Thanks for your comments.

 

To answer some of the points raised.

 

MM tried to speak to his family about his decision but W had already got in there first with her 'side'. I was told by MM that she was 'tight' was them and how right that turned out to be. The two of them haven't communicated for a couple of years and haven't shared a bed for even longer. MM never knew what she's up to from one day to the next. He called his family if he wanted to know where she was! Their only conversations were of a practical nature usually her asking him for more money in the joint account since without consulting him she dropped down to working part time. A lot of people come to me (funny but true) for help with their troubles because I am honest, trustworthy and not a gossip (the irony!). Initially my R with MM was no different to any other person that has approached me for a chat and therefore I tend to believe him. He had no reason to lie to me. He was hating himself as a person for feeling that he wanted out as had been brought up to a regime of "you made your bed, you lay in it". He honestly believed she was still in the marriage as he was a cash cow. He knew divorce would be more than frowned upon in his family, which is why he never spoke about it with them. I never felt great about ending up in love with a MM but the more we talked the closer we became. He ended up a sounding board for me too as I was getting over a marriage break up (another story - I was left with kids, no money, a mortgage to pay, joint debts to pay yada yada yada).

 

When the news broke none of them were surprised. In fact his parents said they were expecting him to have said something sooner. They can have only gathered this from W. I even wonder if W has manipulated the situation up front with his family in order that they put pressure on him to keep him paying for the house for her. I've seen this before.

 

We knew we wouldn't be popular but we didn't want to deceive anyone any longer and have to carry on skulking about. I can live with not being popular, they don't know me (likely never will) but he was just not prepared for his family to cut him off totally as whether they choose to accept it or not the marriage was a charade. He is really struggling to come to terms with that. He can't believe that they don't care how unhappy he was.

 

Gently?

 

Unless you were present ? You have no idea if he spoke to them at all.

 

Judging by actions- which speak ever so much louder than words- I would assume he is lying to you about what he told his family and wife, and when.

 

And don't assume you have a clue as to how their marriage operated. My husband told his OW amazing stories that were not remotely true.

 

His family's actions are sending you a warning. pay attention.

 

You are pretty young, aren't you?

[spice4life]

Let's assume for a second that he is telling the truth. It's not unrealistic that he would talk to someone else about how unhappy he was. I did when I was trying to figure out what to do about my own unhappiness in my marriage. My family had no clue the extent of my unhappiness and they were close with my exH's family too. As a matter of fact, they saw issues in our marriage and thought I was to blame until I finally mustered up the strength to tell them the truth. I knew divorce was going to be hard for them to accept (was a first in my family) and I was afraid to tell them because I didnt want to hurt them. Once they knew what was really going on they put their support behind me and helped through the divorce. So this situation is not unusual and perhaps people should look at it outside the scope of "cheater and liar". Sometimes people are simply not a good match and they ARE truly unhappy. And the fact that he left a few weeks later says something. I did the same thing too. I confided in my friends first for support and then went to my family when I had enough of being unhappy, trapped and tormented and told them whole truth.

 

Ending a marriage is not easy at all. It's a hard tough decision to make and there are bound to be a few hiccups before the decision is made to leave the marriage. No one is perfect, but if a person is truly unhappy and married someone who is not a good match (for whatever reason), they have a right to end the marriage. Again, my family thought I had the problem because my exH's family complained to them about me and painted my exH as the victim. They were really down my throat about it until I came clean with what was really happening. I was too embarrassed, blamed myself and felt like an utter failure up to that point. So you can't really judge this guy without knowing what he was going through. At least he left in a few weeks...that says something about him. This might not be the typical MM, OW, BS situation.

Edited February 23, 2013 by spice4life

[2sunny]

You only know what he tells you - don't be that naive.

 

Looks like he's not happy it's ending? Hmmm think about that.

 

If it was so bad - he still wasn't the one to end the M before starting his affair = coward, liar!

 

So, that's what you have now - a coward who lies... Why don't you want more for yourself than that?

[MissBee]

I was friends with a MM and it turned into a whole heap more. We saw where the R was heading and tried to cut the R as even though him and the W were unhappy we felt it was wrong. We both spent a week in tears and in a complete mess. I realised pretty quick that I couldn't let the best that ever happened to me walk out of my life. I broke the silence and we admitted loving each other and at that point the A started. But after a few weeks he ended the marriage. As we had been friends for best part of a year his W knew I existed as we had previously had nothing to hide. His W and family can't see past me. His W knew they were over but still blames me. As he had never discussed the poor state of his marriage with his family they can't see he was unhappy and believe he's left purely to be with me. Turns out the W was talking to his parents about me and playing the role of feeling sorry for herself rather than discussing what was wrong with the marriage with her H. When the news broke his family cut him off dead and have sided with the W. I am his only support and am happy to give that - I have dealt with my own marriage break ups. However, he is devastated that he has lost the support of his entire family and that they won't listen to him. Anyone had a similar situation? Did the family come round? Thanks

 

I haven't been in the situation, but I think it unwise that anyone newly divorced should openly date so quickly. Most people don't take it well and need time to adjust. You guys did have an affair...and most people are smart to know that chances are, if someone gets a divorce and a month later (or however long, but relatively quickly) they appear with a bf/gf, that that person had existed before and it was probably an A. That said, it is understandable why they wouldn't welcome you all with open arms and may assume he left "for" you.

 

People need time to grieve and adjust after a marriage ends. You marry into a family, not just to the spouse, so not only do the spouses have to adjust but the kids and in laws if there are any. Lots of things have to now change and I think he should have kept his "new R" quiet until a bit more time passed. I get you didn't want to "skulk" about, but the thing is, sometimes when we choose certain situations, other things are part and parcel. In your current situation, you two needed to be more discreet for a little while longer IMO. It's good that you're supporting him...but he can't live on your love alone and I think perhaps a good thing would be for you to volunteer to step back a bit and be a little less public so that he can settle things with his family and allow everyone to adjust. If not...then it may be very rocky for him, and subsequently you, for a lot longer than necessary.

 

I haven't had an OW marry into my family or an OM, as far as I know. In that, no one has divorced and then shortly thereafter taken up with someone else to where we would suspect it was an affair...but if so, I can imagine how awkward it might be. My family would probably be polite to them but it might feel a bit stiff. It's human nature. I have heard of cases though where the family doesn't really get over it and the former OW turned legitimate partner or even new wife, is kind of forever treated like an "other". I think a lot of it has to do with how quickly it is all introduced. When emotions are high and it is raw and you introduce a new person it is sometimes hard for people not to associate that pain of the situation with this individual and have that burned into their brains. Whereas when time has passed and it is less sensitive, they are less likely to make negative associations with the new partner.

Edited February 23, 2013 by MissBee

[2sunny]

Seems like HE didn't end it - his wife did.

[18Years2Late]

I was friends with a MM and it turned into a whole heap more. We saw where the R was heading and tried to cut the R as even though him and the W were unhappy we felt it was wrong. We both spent a week in tears and in a complete mess. I realised pretty quick that I couldn't let the best that ever happened to me walk out of my life. I broke the silence and we admitted loving each other and at that point the A started. But after a few weeks he ended the marriage. As we had been friends for best part of a year his W knew I existed as we had previously had nothing to hide. His W and family can't see past me. His W knew they were over but still blames me. As he had never discussed the poor state of his marriage with his family they can't see he was unhappy and believe he's left purely to be with me. Turns out the W was talking to his parents about me and playing the role of feeling sorry for herself rather than discussing what was wrong with the marriage with her H. When the news broke his family cut him off dead and have sided with the W. I am his only support and am happy to give that - I have dealt with my own marriage break ups. However, he is devastated that he has lost the support of his entire family and that they won't listen to him. Anyone had a similar situation? Did the family come round? Thanks

 

Oh yea...they will certainly come around...as soon as he decides that having you is just not worth having NO ONE in his immediate or extended family talk to him anymore...then he'll run back with his tail between his legs claiming some sort of insanity or the commonly used MLC...and everyone will come right around...except you...BTDT...we'll be here for you when that happens...guard ur heart with ur life...the W won't lay down without a fight...and it looks like she has an army behind her...including the person who gave birth to him...not looking good hon...

Edited February 24, 2013 by 18Years2Late
Not sure how that exclamation point triangle thingy got there???

[thefooloftheyear]

Why in the world does everyone just assume that ALL of these scenarios end the exact same way and that the players in the game are ALL the same people in the same script.

 

The reality is that NO ONE knows what the MM lived through and what his intentions are Why does everyone assume that that MM in miserable marriages just call all their relatives crying the blues about their relationship? He could have been living the existence quietly being miserable, many men do not vocalize like women do.

 

And why does every person think that the MM is just going to immediately throw the OW under the bus?

 

Lets face it folks. LS does not represent the whole world, as much as some would love for you to believe. It would be refreshing to allow the actual participants to explain how things went down rather than commence with the hurling of the Molotov Cocktails. We all might get a better understanding..

 

 

Carry on...

 

TFOY

Edited February 24, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Decorative]

Why in the world does everyone just assume that ALL of these scenarios end the exact same way and that the players in the game are ALL the same people in the same script.

 

The reality is that NO ONE knows what the MM lived through and what his intentions are Why does everyone assume that that MM in miserable marriages just call all their relatives crying the blues about their relationship? He could have been living the existence quietly being miserable, many men do not vocalize like women do.

 

And why does every person think that the MM is just going to immediately throw the OW under the bus?

 

Lets face it folks. LS does not represent the whole world, as much as some would love for you to believe. It would be refreshing to allow the actual participants to explain how things went down rather than commence with the hurling of the Molotov Cocktails. We all might get a better understanding..

 

 

Carry on...

 

TFOY

 

Because wise people learn that looking for actions to corroborate the words of a known liar is a wise thing to do.

 

He may be the exception. For sure.

 

But so far- she is basing her opinion off a man who criticizes a wife he was lying to and who appears to be blindsided.

 

And his family- all of them- are against him.

 

Again- look at what people are doing, and not so much the self reported claims of a man who is a demonstrated cheater.

[thefooloftheyear]

Because wise people learn that looking for actions to corroborate the words of a known liar is a wise thing to do.

 

He may be the exception. For sure.

 

But so far- she is basing her opinion off a man who criticizes a wife he was lying to and who appears to be blindsided.

 

And his family- all of them- are against him.

 

Again- look at what people are doing, and not so much the self reported claims of a man who is a demonstrated cheater.

 

Sure she may claim to be "blindsided", but is it at all possible that she failed to see how miserable her H was and just swept it under the carpet?

 

Maybe his family is all against him because possibly they are getting only HER side of the story? And that maybe as it all unfolds they might be more understanding of the situation?

 

Again, I am not trying to be argumentative, and you could be 100% correct in your **assumptions**, but it just gets really tiring that all of these threads just turn into a beatdown of the A participants. Everyone knows its wrong, but they happen. Not all cases are the same though....

 

TFOY

[Eggplant]

Marriages take hard work, and when they don't work, the female almost invariably comes out worse. We give what we have FIRST.

 

If women don't stick together, we have nothing.

 

The marriage may have been in poor health, but it wasn't dead. Otherwise they would have been divorced.

 

You will always wear the crown of OW, even when you become legally his wife.

 

Fifteen years from now, you will find out how hard it is to work through the ups and downs of a marriage. At your worst moment, may a younger girl take him away.

[whichwayisup]

MM tried to speak to his family about his decision but W had already got in there first with her 'side'. I was told by MM that she was 'tight' was them and how right that turned out to be. The two of them haven't communicated for a couple of years and haven't shared a bed for even longer. MM never knew what she's up to from one day to the next. He called his family if he wanted to know where she was! Their only conversations were of a practical nature usually her asking him for more money in the joint account since without consulting him she dropped down to working part time.

 

This makes absolutely no sense. if his family knew that the marriage was not good, then this reaction would not be happening. Chances are MUCH HIGHER, your Mm has totally lied and omitted stuff from what happened. What you said above, contradicts what you've said earlier about his family. Don't you think the family would have known their marriage was on the rocks from him calling to find out where she is?? Something is OFF here, not with you, but with his story and what he's told you.

 

YOU need to talk to his wife and find out what is going on. Otherwise, this Mm will run back home within a few weeks/months and you'll be the one shaking your head, going WTF just happened??!!!

 

Also, I love (no not really) how his wife is painted in such a bad light, she's the one who messed it all up, it's all her fault - No communication, problems in the marriage, he is perfect I take it and his shi.t doesn't stink? Everything wrong is his wife's fault. Let me tell ya, it takes two, so your MM not admitting HIS downfall and his messes/mistakes just shows you really are not getting the truth. It's sad and quite honestly you are not getting the truth of what is going on. Sorry, I know you love him and want to believe him, but again, something is really 'off' with how this has played out and how everybody is reacting.

[2sunny]

If he didn't like the M - he should have divorced... It wasn't such a bad M that he divorced - he decided to cheat instead.

 

There's no honor in that - no matter what angle you look at it from.

 

Quit thinking he's her victim - he's the victim of his own actions - and you helped him to do it - then justify it all.

 

His W isn't the bad one here - he's getting what he deserves... And you're along for the ride? Why?

[The hated OW]

Hockeyfan... MM has never helped me financially. I have sorted all that now, worked my butt off, got a promotion at work, so more money, opted out of pension scheme at work to receive a refund of contributions, sold the family home and moved to smaller property, courts are pursuing my ex for instalment payments to make him pay his fair share. I would never accept help as it's my mess so I dealt with it.

 

For other comments... MM does admit and accept his share of the M breakdown. It takes two to reach where they were... I would know, been there! My comments re the W were not meant to be derogatory to her but merely an illustration that they don't communicate.

 

I appreciate the different viewpoints, it helps to consider all angles. Spice4life seems to understand why he never communicated to his parents, the things said are in places word perfect as to how MM has described how he feels.

[Decorative]

Sure she may claim to be "blindsided", but is it at all possible that she failed to see how miserable her H was and just swept it under the carpet?

 

Maybe his family is all against him because possibly they are getting only HER side of the story? And that maybe as it all unfolds they might be more understanding of the situation?

 

Again, I am not trying to be argumentative, and you could be 100% correct in your **assumptions**, but it just gets really tiring that all of these threads just turn into a beatdown of the A participants. Everyone knows its wrong, but they happen. Not all cases are the same though....

 

TFOY[/quote

 

not a beat down.

 

I haven't actually criticized her for being in the A. I am telling her to verify the word of a known liar before just accepting it. Especially because it doesn't make sense. Actions. Actions. Actions.

 

If he is telling the truth- it will be easy to confirm.

[The hated OW]

Good news. MMs Mum has called him to apologise for her behavior saying she was upset and angry. She says she now offers him her full support having had a talk with the W. Apparently the W has now confessed to her that their marriage was not fixable. MMs parents have offered him an open door to return to their home in order that MM and W can have the space they need to move forward while they sort out their financial arrangements etc. MM has been granted immunity to come and go as he pleases with promise that he won't be talked at by them. He has also received apologies from his siblings. I am so pleased they have now seen the situation for what it is. It hurts bad seeing the person you love suffering, esp wrongly, when there is so little you can do to help. Thanks for all your comments.