Summer Breeze Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 No, I haven't told her husband. Why would I just free her up to be with my husband? I have to be the one driving the separation if that's what I decide to do, then I'll be more than happy to let her husband know everything I've found. I'm getting ready for divorce, but my first choice is reconciliation. It's very easy for strangers to sit behind a computer and write "Just leave already!", bc it's not them. I know what the situation is and how much planning it requires. This stranger actually left her cheating H when she found out. I think you'll find a lot of the advice is drawn from our own histories. It's not easy. It's not fun. But I wouldn't allow someone to treat me the way he has you. I think I've said before you've moved from victim to volunteer by letting it continue to happen when you have so many options to stop it or to get away from it. The main thing I need advice with is in understanding the dynamics their relationship seems to have so that I can somehow bring him back. In other words, what is their relationship now, what did they do to let it get there (I have A LOT of information), and IF he's in love, which I still doubt, how do I make him forget her? I still think he's been using her for sex all these years, I'm sure he's had other women as well, I just haven't seen the communications, especially after his knowledge of strip clubs, etc.. You have yourself convinced that it's nothing but sex and you're jumping through hoops to keep that thought firm in your mind. Somehow you're accepting that as long as sex is it, everything else can be fixed. LFH has told you her story and the depth of feelings from a R that started as just sex. My dMM told me from the start he would never leave his W. We were together for over 2 years, I ended it, apart for 5 years, he never got over me and is now D and we're together. To him it was never supposed to be something that became more important than his M and all his life was. You may not be able to make him forget her. What there R is, is something that has survived with limited sex. If it was just sex he could be at a bar sleeping with someone new every time he had the chance. He could be trolling specific 'dating' sites and do the same. DMMs xW kept saying to me that it was just sex but his actions showed us both that wasn't the case. And that was while the A was going. Does it have to be love just because he has stayed all these years? I think so. And they've only had sex 4 times? I doubt it but you've seen the years worth of messages so it's up to you to believe or not. The rest of the time they wrote about it, about phone calls, but one of them would back out. My husband did that repeatedly, especially at first! It took them over a year to do it for the 1st time - they were not in touch that whole time though. Maybe he's just using her the way he uses the strippers. If that makes you feel better then go for it but it will keep you where you are if you don't look at the possibilities. But how do I get him back anyway? I can't even comment because I can't imagine why you would even want him back. Think carefully about what you do want and what will make you happy. Could you honestly be happy with someone who has done this to you for so long?How do I make him want me instead of her without ending our marriage? You can't make him do anything. My answers are in bold. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm attacking but I really am not. I see you in here doing mental gymnastics in a way I've never seen before. You deserve more than this and I hope you're serious about divorce and protecting yourself. You worry about your life and let him scramble and worry about his. Who knows what will happen? He might come crawling back but you may find you're happily moving on and don't want anything to do with him. Take your power smith. 1
Minnie09 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 Smith, one more aspect / thought: I would almost be able understand your attitude if you told me that you have an open marriage. Do you? Keep in mind that marriages are entered with the expectation that the person you are about to get married to will remain sexually faithful throughout your entire M. If you negotiate something different, before or at some point during your M, which includes the option for yourself or your partner that you can have sexual encounters with others as long as you're not jeopardizing your primary relationship, that's perfectly acceptable as long as you're in sync. Do you have such an agreement? Is it balanced, ie are you yourself "allowed" to engage in similar activities? If this is the case, I can understand why you're obsessed about finding out whether it not he's in love with somebody else.* Have you ever had a discussion with your H about extramarital sexual activities and how they're supposed to be handled?*
Decorative Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 No, I haven't told her husband. Why would I just free her up to be with my husband? I have to be the one driving the separation if that's what I decide to do, then I'll be more than happy to let her husband know everything I've found. I'm getting ready for divorce, but my first choice is reconciliation. It's very easy for strangers to sit behind a computer and write "Just leave already!", bc it's not them. I know what the situation is and how much planning it requires. The main thing I need advice with is in understanding the dynamics their relationship seems to have so that I can somehow bring him back. In other words, what is their relationship now, what did they do to let it get there (I have A LOT of information), and IF he's in love, which I still doubt, how do I make him forget her? I still think he's been using her for sex all these years, I'm sure he's had other women as well, I just haven't seen the communications, especially after his knowledge of strip clubs, etc.. Does it have to be love just because he has stayed all these years? And they've only had sex 4 times? The rest of the time they wrote about it, about phone calls, but one of them would back out. My husband did that repeatedly, especially at first! It took them over a year to do it for the 1st time - they were not in touch that whole time though. Maybe he's just using her the way he uses the strippers. But how do I get him back anyway? How do I make him want me instead of her without ending our marriage? Dude. You don't control other people. You cannot "nice" or "love" him back into not cheating. it doesn't work like that. You can research their relationship from now until you are 90, and you won't be able to do that. He is making his choices based on crap coping skills he's developed and something internally off with him. You? Didn't create this, didn't cause this, and you cannot cure this. You can only take care of yourself. At this point- everything else is tilting at windmills.
Owl Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 SmithM...so here are my recommendations. First off...you need to realize that if you do nothing...nothing will change. You can snoop and attempt to 'understand' their relationship as much as you want...but if you don't USE that information, if you take no action, if you change nothing...then nothing will change, the affair will continue, and you'll still be right where you're at. Here's my take on it. He needs to suffer some consequences. The affair needs to become more painful than it is today. You need to expose the affair. To his family, your family, friends...anyone that will help you put pressure on him to stop what he's doing. You need to expose the affair to OW's H...so that he can do the same thing to her on his side. Affairs thrive in secrecy and darkness...but expose them to everyone's scrutiny, and they rarely last. Now...you'll get lots of folks telling you that it is just mean/vengeful/cruel-hearted to expose. Keep in mind who is posting from what viewpoint here. I'm posting to you as a BS who has successfully recovered his marriage after his wife's (short term, to be honest) emotional affair with another man. Exposure is MEANT to be uncomfortable for the people involved in an affair. It makes the affair embarassing, painful...something that they'd meant to keep hidden is now out there for discussion and review. SO...I suggest that you expose the affair. Go and talk with his family, joint friends...tell them what he's doing, what YOU are doing (exposing), and ask for their assistance in helping you to save your marriage. DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS!!! DO NOT GIVE HIM ADVANCED WARNING. Yes, he's going to be mad, angry. He's going to blame you, lie and tell you he was thinking about ending the affair but now he's got nothing to lose. This is TYPICAL...don't let it sway you. At the end of the day...you need to be willing to lose him, to live without him, in order to find the strength to deal with the problem. You need to set a boundary with him. It's DONE. It's OVER. OR...he's out the door. It's his choice, but he makes it now...today. Show him how strong you are. Make it clear that he's got the choice of working on the marriage, or ending the affair...but not both. If he agrees to end the affair...you need to have some hard and fast requirements in place. He tells her that it's over, WITH YOU ON THE PHONE WITH THEM, so that she sees that you're involved. He reveals how he conducted the affair...and allows you access to all of his communications means to PROVE to you that the affair is ended. Marriage counseling is a MUST. If he refuses, if he denies, if he balks...remind him that he has the option to leave now. It's HIS choice to be with you or not...and here are your requirements for him to remain with you. You need to be strong, and ready to do what you need to do. 1
turnera Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 But how do I get him back anyway? How do I make him want me instead of her without ending our marriage? You don't seem to be reading my posts, but I'll put this in again, just in case (see post above) - THIS is the closest way to how you make him want you, even though you can't control another person: I've been doing this for more than 10 years, so maybe you will hear me: you CANNOT get him back by ALLOWING this to continue. Either you tell him he is not allowed to contact her while he is in your home, or you give up and accept that he will cheat on you for the rest of your life. You CAN have a spine while still being in the same house. And he will NEVER WANT YOU and give them up, as long as you LET him continue to cheat. He has to see you angry, furious, and unwilling to share him. You've done none of this. So you continue to get treated like a doormat. This is on YOU, Smith.
SoleMate Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 (edited) Smith, there is something very strange about your thread. Several posters have mentioned it without necessarily being able to be specific. You say you are a BW, but your posts have none of the emotional content of authentic BW posts. For instance, there appears to be zero anger towards the OW and zero outrage at the WH. There is also no interest in where your own life as BS will be going. Instead, the overarching theme is fascination with the exact feelings of MM towards OW - as expressed via details of his behavior - and the probable future behavior of MM as it affects OW. (E.g. "the main thing I need advice with is in understanding the dynamics [of] their relationship".) Those are topics that would interest an OW. In other words, though you state you're a BW, your posts bear the psychological indicia of an OW. (Read LS for 10 years, as I have, and these patterns become easy to detect.) Can you see what I am observing? Can you think of any reason why you, a BW, would be having OW-typical thoughts as opposed to BW-typical thoughts? Addressing that may help you out of your "stuck" place. Edited March 28, 2013 by SoleMate 4
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