My husband is trying to cheat again and bringing me into his affair

[skweezd]

If he's bringing up your name into the conversation it's because they are getting closer, becoming lovers and now friends. The fact that he's not protecting your privacy any longer should scare you. I know men that cheat (unfortunately) and they never discuss their wives to their girlfriends out of respect. How that makes sense to them is beyond me and I'm not a guy so I'll never understand. But what I'm getting at is you really should leave. Your curiosity with their affair is quite disturbing. Get out while you still have some dignity left.

[Darren Steez]

Ahh the triggery post. My partner is cheating, the I know about it, the what should I do, the passive passive stance. Guaranteed to get everybody riled up good and proper

[SmithM]

I am NOT trolling! This is a real situation. I do appreciate everyone's input, I'm not just at a place where I can act on this from a financial perspective.

 

But I finally had the nerve to look at all his texts, this is what I found:

 

 

HER: Hey - Can we get together next week? It's been a while!

 

HIM: Maybe. I would love to but my week looks crazy.

 

HER: Oh, that's too bad! I had a great, kinky idea I wanted to try! Maybe next time.

 

HIM: Could you be available today at 4:30?

 

HER: No, this week is the crazy one for me, but I was just in * * * * * * this morning! And what I want to do would need some advanced notice...

 

I was wondering if we could still finish in the car, but go to a strip club first?! I'd love to watch you getting a lap dance, it would be SO hot! Or would that be too kinky for you? I know I'm weird, so feel free to say no...

 

HIM: I would love that. I would love to watch you share my cock with a stripper. Are you okay with that?

 

HER: No... I just wanted to watch you and her first... Is that bad?? And do they even do that? I've never been to one.

 

HIM: It depends on the club and the girl. Would you be okay if you saw me getting a blow job?

 

(2 more very explicit texts about what he'd be doing to her during)

 

HER: I don't know.... I was only thinking of a lap dance. But it's a turn-on when you talk about it. : )

 

Is it okay with you if we just work up to that? Maybe? I just don't know what I'd be comfortable with.

 

HIM: That's fine. I want to explore a lot of things. I would like to watch you tell a girl what to do to me. And you would pick out the girl.

 

HER: No, you pick out the girl! I was actually going to surprise you and set it up ahead of time, but kept wondering if you'd like it or not... I asked my husband once and he didn't talk to me for two days!!

 

Why do I have to pick out the girl?

 

HIM: I wish you had a friend who could join

 

I have no problem picking out the girl.

 

HER: I only know moms... And I've never even thought of being with a woman, I just wanted to watch... Is that what you're looking for?

 

HIM: Yes I would prefer you watch. And I can pick the girl out. You don't get jealous do you?

 

HER: Of a stripper? No. Would you get jealous if you saw me with another guy?

 

(Looong pause)

 

HIM: No I wouldn't. That's kind of hot

 

HER: Maybe we can talk about that the next time I'm ....,, : )

 

HIM: Ok. I have a friend you would like. Have you s....*

 

HER: No... Yours is only the second, you know that. And I'm not interested in anyone else.

 

HIM: Ok

 

HER: Don't get upset, I'm just being honest

 

HIM: I'm not at all. Me you and a stripper sounds perfect

 

HER: I still can't believe you said yes... Think of all the stuff we can do!!

 

So as soon as our schedules look better we can set it up

 

HIM: Ok"

 

I haven't confronted him about these texts, but does it sound like its not emotionally involved like he told me?! I just want opinions on what the texts mean? They had an understanding coming from her that only she was allowed to set up "meetings", not him?!

 

What's going on here? I think he could be telling me the truth?

[CarrieT]

He is looking for another girl so she can watch.

 

Since you know what he is going and don't seem to mind, why don't you just join in so then you know everything that is going on?

 

 

 

I am serious.

[SmithM]

No I'm not ok with that!! At all! I was disgusted! So I'm looking for opinions bc I'm getting ready to confront him again. He said it was just sex but then took a long time when she asked if he was jealous of her? And there were emails wher he asked dozens of questions about her husband! And now she's asking for all this freaky stuff and he's all over it, even worried about her not getting her feelings hurt/ getting jealous? Or maybe this is normal.

 

And what do all these things say about her??

 

Carrie - What do you mean he's looking for another girl? I don't understand that statement. Now, as in, he would be the one to find one?

 

Another thing I thought is they're getting more intimate, sharing fantasies. In over 700 emails I've read, it wasnt nearly this involved - am I right that this seems more "involved"? I don't quite know the word. It's like they're not scared of sharing these things, I'd be mortified. And at one point she texted they're "sex twins"!

[ForeverHopeful1]

700 emails + 4 years = SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.

[Owl]

No I'm not ok with that!! At all! I was disgusted! So I'm looking for opinions bc I'm getting ready to confront him again. He said it was just sex but then took a long time when she asked if he was jealous of her? And there were emails wher he asked dozens of questions about her husband! And now she's asking for all this freaky stuff and he's all over it, even worried about her not getting her feelings hurt/ getting jealous? Or maybe this is normal.

 

And what do all these things say about her??

 

Carrie - What do you mean he's looking for another girl? I don't understand that statement. Now, as in, he would be the one to find one?

 

Another thing I thought is they're getting more intimate, sharing fantasies. In over 700 emails I've read, it wasnt nearly this involved - am I right that this seems more "involved"? I don't quite know the word. It's like they're not scared of sharing these things, I'd be mortified. And at one point she texted they're "sex twins"!

 

OK...I'm gonna be point blank in your face about this, as you've brushed off everyone who's said it to this point.

 

You know...great.

 

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT KNOWLEDGE?!?!?!?!

 

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO STOP THE AFFAIR, CHANGE THE SITUATION, MAKE THINGS COME TO A HEAD SO THAT THEY CAN BE ADDRESSED?!?!?!?

 

Answer those questions directly and honestly, and maybe folks can accept that you're actually here trying to do something to improve your situation.

 

Avoid them, or dance around them, and it'll become clear that your goal here is NOT to change anything...which frankly means there isn't squat any of us can actually do to help you...you just want an audience to share this with.

 

So...what's it gonna be?

[SmithM]

Of course it maters - when I confronted him he tried to tell me it was just sex, intermittent contact so 4 years didn't count, sex only happened 3 times at that point - and now he's planning to fulfill HER fantasies?? There were emails where he asked if she'd been with anyone since true break up and when she said no he said it was a good thing, asked if she'd been a good girl.

 

And another thing, what if she's in love with him? What did you get from her refusal to add another guy?! I just don't know how to approach it if he says "it's just sex again!

[CarrieT]

Carrie - What do you mean he's looking for another girl? I don't understand that statement. Now, as in, he would be the one to find one?

 

 

You answered your own question with their texts - they are thinking of going to a strip club to get another girl:

 

HIM: It depends on the club and the girl. Would you be okay if you saw me getting a blow job?

 

HIM: That's fine. I want to explore a lot of things. I would like to watch you tell a girl what to do to me. And you would pick out the girl.

 

HIM: I wish you had a friend who could join

I have no problem picking out the girl.

 

 

 

So, Smith - why don't you answer the question you have never answered: WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS TO THE EXTENT THAT YOU DON'T LEAVE?

[SmithM]

I already knew that, I thought you meant something else. My real questiOn is what this means in their affair! From where I stand it's getting more involved, but at the same time they dont care about each other bc they're willing to involve other people!

 

And I have answered the question of why I'm not leaving yet - right now, it's not financially feasible even though I'm taking steps to correct that. And maybe the just sex part could be corrected if we went to counseling.

 

I guess I come here bc I want to get opinions from experienced people some who have had affairs. But I'm always told I'm asking the wrong questions! Even I'd that's true, they're still valid because they matter to me. I'd really appreciate if someone could comment on this new "level", because it's confusing and I just know that he will try to make this sound harmless! And thank you, those of you who have tried to help.

[CarrieT]

II'd really appreciate if someone could comment on this new "level", because it's confusing and I just know that he will try to make this sound harmless!

Yes, that is known as "gaslighting."

 

Google it.

 

Learn about it.

 

You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too because you bought into his story that it is "just sex."

 

Well, for most of us, "just sex" is enough of a reason to call someone on their shenanigans and everyone here is incredulous why you don't.

[Decorative]

I already knew that, I thought you meant something else. My real questiOn is what this means in their affair! From where I stand it's getting more involved, but at the same time they dont care about each other bc they're willing to involve other people!

 

And I have answered the question of why I'm not leaving yet - right now, it's not financially feasible even though I'm taking steps to correct that. And maybe the just sex part could be corrected if we went to counseling.

 

I guess I come here bc I want to get opinions from experienced people some who have had affairs. But I'm always told I'm asking the wrong questions! Even I'd that's true, they're still valid because they matter to me. I'd really appreciate if someone could comment on this new "level", because it's confusing and I just know that he will try to make this sound harmless! And thank you, those of you who have tried to help.

 

Their affair - you have no control over. Learning about it and guessing what it means keeps your from the real work.

 

You need to remove yourself from this situation. Tell him to go be with her. Wall away. Stop enabling him. Stand up for yourself.

 

That's the only power you have right now. To say enough and get out of that mess.

 

Everything else is an intellectual exercise destined to bring you more pain.

 

So stand up and remove yourself.

[Owl]

I already knew that, I thought you meant something else. My real questiOn is what this means in their affair! From where I stand it's getting more involved, but at the same time they dont care about each other bc they're willing to involve other people!

 

And I have answered the question of why I'm not leaving yet - right now, it's not financially feasible even though I'm taking steps to correct that. And maybe the just sex part could be corrected if we went to counseling.

 

I guess I come here bc I want to get opinions from experienced people some who have had affairs. But I'm always told I'm asking the wrong questions! Even I'd that's true, they're still valid because they matter to me. I'd really appreciate if someone could comment on this new "level", because it's confusing and I just know that he will try to make this sound harmless! And thank you, those of you who have tried to help.

 

So he tries to make it sound harmless. It's NOT.

 

Do you want divorce? Or do you want to end the affair and reconcile?

 

What's your true "goal" here?

 

Figure that out, and the folks here can help you work out a gameplan to reach your goal.

 

The problem is...you do come here asking the wrong questions. You're not asking "what can I do"...you're asking "what does this mean"...when you already know what it means, and you're simply avoiding the "what can I do" aspect of it all.

 

SO...figure out your goal...let us know what you want out of all of this, and let's see what people can advise to help you, rather than answer questions that have no real value.

[SmithM]

Seething - I haven't known for 4 years. Now, go bully someone else.

 

Owl - I clearly stated my goal. I'm looking for ways to leave in a financially good position, but I do think the marriage could be saved. He was not open to counseling when I confronted him, I don't think I've ever shared that here. And I see my questions as valid.

[Owl]

Seething - I haven't known for 4 years. Now, go bully someone else.

 

Owl - I clearly stated my goal. I'm looking for ways to leave in a financially good position, but I do think the marriage could be saved. He was not open to counseling when I confronted him, I don't think I've ever shared that here. And I see my questions as valid.

 

OK...I can work with that. You want to divorce and come out financially good...makes sense.

 

First off...are you in a "fault" state, or a "no fault" state? That can matter, because of the incriminating communication between the two of them, you may well have more than sufficient 'proof' to prove adultery and that could GREATLY affect the settlement if you live in a "fault" state. Have you sought out an attorney to find out what you can do to protect yourself financially/legally?

 

What specifically is it that prevents you from taking action today? I know you said it's "not a good time financially"...but I'm curious what it is that you're waiting for that could improve that financial situation and outcome?

 

Again...your first step here needs to be to consult an attorney to ensure that you are making all the right legal moves to meet your goals. If you've not done so...that needs to become your top priority over worrying what any of this "means" at this point.

[stillafool]

Seething - I haven't known for 4 years. Now, go bully someone else.

 

Owl - I clearly stated my goal. I'm looking for ways to leave in a financially good position, but I do think the marriage could be saved. He was not open to counseling when I confronted him, I don't think I've ever shared that here. And I see my questions as valid.

 

How can your marriage be saved when you husband is clearly in love with this other woman? You are back here asking the same questions and you are surprised that you're getting the same answers. Nothing is going to change in your marriage unless you walk out and mean it. You refuse to let him go so just continue being in pain because he is not going to stop wanting and loving her.

[GorillaTheater]

My God. What a baffling, frustrating thread.

[2sunny]

Staying is just being mean to yourself.

 

Divorce him, the courts will award you financial assistance for your needs.

 

Doing nothing isn't helping you. You must get willing to take action to change things.

[SmithM]

I will try to address all the posts...

 

First, LFH - Thank you. I do not take your post as bullying, since unlike the other one, you did not make wild assumptions as you wrote. I appreciate your input.

 

As for the legal matters, I have seen an attorney, it IS a fault state, which is one of the reasons why I'm planning this very carefully and am not yet ready. I will not post details of my legal strategy here, but I do have one. Still, my goal is to fix our marriage.

 

For the person who said it isn't fixable because he's "in love", I thought so too but that is very unlikely! He just agreed to having sex with another woman for her and offered to share her with a friend! How is that love?

 

On the other hand, we've been married for 7 years and he's been with her for almost 4.5. I don't see what the attraction is, and if he's even setting up group sex, there must have been many others I don't know about, which just makes it more baffling why he's still doing this with her in particular. But the fact that he was offered her "a friend" have me hope that he only sees her as sex. I didn't always feel this way, because in an email after one of their 9/10 breakups, he asked if she had been with anyone else or been a good girl, and wrote it was "a good thing" when she said no. He has also expressed jealousy of her husband in the sense of him having a better job, etc.. But I highly doubt he's in love.

 

As for the fiction - I don't know how else to say it, this is a real situation! And I removed the "porn" texts because I wasn't sure if that kind of explicit language was allowed, and I felt sick to my stomach reading them.

[stillafool]

There are plenty of couples who are in love and swing. This woman and your H are sexually compatible. You don't stay in an affair for 4.5 years just for the sex. If he just wanted sex he could have done 40 other women in 4 years but he can't get over this one. Sorry but he is in love with her that's why he is jealous of her husband. If she ever decides to leave her husband your husband will leave you. Why haven't you told her husband?

[turnera]

But I'm always told I'm asking the wrong questions!

That's because you are IGNORING the advice you get here.

 

Have you exposed his cheating to his parents? Siblings? Best friend? Pastor? Have you tracked down the women and exposed to their husbands, siblings, parents?

 

If you haven't done at LEAST that one thing, you are just a voyeur.

 

There is NO REASON for you to be reading their conversations. NONE.

 

I've been doing this for more than 10 years, so maybe you will hear me: you CANNOT get him back by ALLOWING this to continue. Either you tell him he is not allowed to contact her while he is in your home, or you give up and accept that he will cheat on you for the rest of your life. You CAN have a spine while still being in the same house. And he will NEVER WANT YOU and give them up, as long as you LET him continue to cheat. He has to see you angry, furious, and unwilling to share him. You've done none of this. So you continue to get treated like a doormat. This is on YOU, Smith.

[turnera]

Any why would you want a man who's cheated on your for more than HALF of your marriage? That sure doesn't say much about what he thinks of you.

[Owl]

As for the legal matters, I have seen an attorney, it IS a fault state, which is one of the reasons why I'm planning this very carefully and am not yet ready. I will not post details of my legal strategy here, but I do have one. Still, my goal is to fix our marriage.

 

 

OK...so somehow I DIDN'T get this out of your previous post.

 

Is your goal divorce, or reconciliation? The two are mutually exlusive...you can't do both simultaneously.

 

If you want advice on steps to reconcile your marriage...LS can help you with that.

 

If you want advice on steps to divorce...LS can help you with that.

 

NO ONE can help you do both successfully, simultaneously.

 

SO...which is it that you want to focus on here???

[stillafool]

 

If you haven't done at LEAST that one thing, you are just a voyeur.

 

 

This is all Smith does is read their conversations, snoop some more then go to forums to report what was said between her husband and his lover. She is too afraid to confront him because she thinks he will divorce her.

[SmithM]

No, I haven't told her husband. Why would I just free her up to be with my husband? I have to be the one driving the separation if that's what I decide to do, then I'll be more than happy to let her husband know everything I've found.

 

I'm getting ready for divorce, but my first choice is reconciliation. It's very easy for strangers to sit behind a computer and write "Just leave already!", bc it's not them. I know what the situation is and how much planning it requires.

 

The main thing I need advice with is in understanding the dynamics their relationship seems to have so that I can somehow bring him back. In other words, what is their relationship now, what did they do to let it get there (I have A LOT of information), and IF he's in love, which I still doubt, how do I make him forget her? I still think he's been using her for sex all these years, I'm sure he's had other women as well, I just haven't seen the communications, especially after his knowledge of strip clubs, etc..

 

Does it have to be love just because he has stayed all these years? And they've only had sex 4 times? The rest of the time they wrote about it, about phone calls, but one of them would back out. My husband did that repeatedly, especially at first! It took them over a year to do it for the 1st time - they were not in touch that whole time though. Maybe he's just using her the way he uses the strippers.

 

But how do I get him back anyway? How do I make him want me instead of her without ending our marriage?