SmithM Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Some of you know about my husbands affair that has been going on for over 4 years. I've confronted him, he said she was just sex, I haven't left yet. There have been over 700 emails over the years, he always used work as an excuse to break a date, almost never apologized to her, they both mentioned it was only sex. But, they've only had sex 3 times in all this time ( she said it in an email she didn't know I had access to.), the last time 2 months ago. He wanted to see her all the time, at least weekly, she said no, that she would let him know when. They had another date set for yesterday, then as soon as he got off the phone with me, he texted her "Can we reschedule to next week? I was just notified by my wife that I need to be home by 3:00. I'm really sorry.". She texts a curt "Ok" and he continues "Sorry about that. I can't get out of it. I'll make it up to you next week." In all 700 emails, he has NEVER brought me into the picture. He has discussed our children, used work as an excuse when he had to be home with us. But I can feel him changing. He has recently also asked her dozens of questions about her husband and marriage, also a new development. Am I right to assume that he seems more involved in the affair now that he's bringing me into it? It's almost as if he's trying to make her jealous or competitive. I only came here for opinions, I have this feeling about their affair getting serious and I don't know if it's justified. The
Summer Breeze Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I can feel your pain but why on earth are you sticking around torturing yourself? You seem to want to base your actions on his level of involvement in the A. What does it matter if he's more or less emotionally involved in the A right now? The fact is for 4 years he's been carrying on with someone else and he is still less emotionally involved with YOU! You don't deserve someone to treat you like that. What is keeping you from kicking his a$$ out? In my mind it looks like you're trying to gauge if he's going to be more attached to someone else when you should be trying to figure out why you care. Are you worried he's going to leave you? Are you worried that if you leave him he's going to go to her? She won't have him. From what you describe she'll use him up and toss him aside. Sadly, from what you describe you'd be there to put all his hurts right too. He's scum. Woman up and clear him out of your life. Do you want to be dipping in here for the next 4 years asking the same questions because you still are too afraid to make a move? This isn't good for you. Find something that is! 5
Author SmithM Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Thanks. That's very sound advice and I agree. It shouldn't matter, but it does. So the question remains: what does it mean that he's bringing me into the affair and possibly trying to put her in a position of competition. Am I right to take it as a sign of further involvement? Btw, I havent left for practical, money issues. It has nothing to do with whether I think I should or not. I'd appreciate it if someone could answer my direct question. 1
Summer Breeze Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Thanks. That's very sound advice and I agree. It shouldn't matter, but it does. So the question remains: what does it mean that he's bringing me into the affair and possibly trying to put her in a position of competition. Am I right to take it as a sign of further involvement? Btw, I havent left for practical, money issues. It has nothing to do with whether I think I should or not. I'd appreciate it if someone could answer my direct question. I did but in case I wasn't direct enough back -- it doesn't matter. No one here knows what his thoughts are. You know him better than anyone and you don't know so how are we to know? I understand financial issues being part of leaving or not leaving. I literally counted pennies and took back returnable cans and bottles to feed my D when I left my cheating xH. I know how hard it is and I respect that. Good luck to you. You deserve so much more than this and I hope you have it soon.
Darren Steez Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 You stay for "practical, and money" reasons.. Then enjoy the BS that comes along with it. 2
BetrayedH Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 It shouldn't matter to the betrayed wife but I bet this change in behavior would matter a lot to the other woman. She probably wants to know if it is just for sex or not. 2
Morgoth Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I would say he is using you to leverage her. Do you have no access to money or have any skillls? If you tolerated it for 4 years, you could have went back to school and got a degree if you don't have one and if you do you could have got a law degree and handled your own divorce? . Sex only 3 times in 4 years, not much of an affair. Do you still have sex with your husband?
Jonah Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 It is to the point now where its just strait up what it is. H is married and has to time manage which includes time for his wife. OW likely has similar time constraints and it is understood. It is nice to be understood and that's a big reason why the relationship continues for years. W seems to understand too except that the OW understands her H.
tbf Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Start stashing in cash. Isn't 700 emails enough of a wake up call? 2
Author SmithM Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 I think my husband is losing his mind. He was watching "Titanic" last night and I didn't think anything of it. This morning, I checked our computer history and he had made a second LinkedIn account, under the name "Jack Dawson" ( Leonardo Di Caprio's character), but only showing "J" ( my husband's first name is also Jack). Under headline, he only typed "A", his last name initial. Then he proceeded to search for the woman's account?! This was at 1 am. He then went to her FB this morning and she had posted "You jump, I jump", another quote in the movie. He then searched for her page again after logging into his regular account. My question is, are they 15 years old?! He's in his 40s! Who acts like this?! What does all of this mean? I haven't said anything yet, but I just feel him slipping further and further away. I honestly don't think he's in his right mind after doing this. Btw, the woman is married to a powerful guy like the girl in the movie, I haven't watched it in years, but I can see some resemblance to at least his perception of their relationship. I'm dumbfounded, this is NOT the man I married. And I apologize, I guess I just needed to vent, I won't have a therapy session until Thursday. 1
Author SmithM Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 As for the rest, yes she's married and in old emails there was mention of her telling her husband but I don't know how much he knows. As for people who question who I am, knock yourselves out. You're not required to post if you don't even believe the basic premise of my posts. As for sympathy, that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a place to vent and for direct answers to my questions. But thank you for your input.
Spark1111 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 My fWS had 1000s of texts, emails, chats...you name it. It did resemble an addiction, but I thought it was love. I was angrier that he had lied to me. He never had to. I would have let him go. So I did after dday, and being with his soulmate OW seemed the last thing he wanted. Go figure? Affair as a fun diversion from reality? Affair as escapist romantic fantasy? Affair to relive his youth or feel "hot"? Affair and AP in lieu of therapy, which he sorely needed? how much does he love her? Only he can answer that Smith, but most likely won't until it is exposed to all and the light of day hits it. Since you do not seem to want to expose to all, including OW's H, it will remain a fun, happy diversion from his everyday reality for as long as he and his OW allow it to be.. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 SmithM, I get it. It's like watching a trainwreck and not being able to take your eyes off of it. It's happening. It is. He is this man. He is. This affair is the truth. Who we claimed to be when he married you is the lie. Don't be afraid of all life intersections because there was a massive trainwreck at this one. The money? There's no cost worth your soul. What do you need? Truly. Beyond an analysis of the most recent play, what do you need?
nofool4u Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I guess my question is, after cheating in the past, now cheating again and bringing you into it, why are you not secretly contacting an attorney, having him/her draw up the paperwork and petition for dissolution of marriage, and surprising your jackass husband with them? Seriously, you should be doing this, not letting him know you have it in the works, and the day he realizes he pushed you too far is the day he gets served with divorce papers. 1
CarrieT Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I guess my question is, after cheating in the past, now cheating again and bringing you into it, why are you not secretly contacting an attorney, having him/her draw up the paperwork and petition for dissolution of marriage, and surprising your jackass husband with them? Seriously, you should be doing this, not letting him know you have it in the works, and the day he realizes he pushed you too far is the day he gets served with divorce papers. Many of us have been asking this very question since last October. And many of us old-timers believe Smith to be the poster, edith, who has had a remarkably similar series of threads started in 2010. Smith has never answered the question why she won't confront him with her findings and why she puts up with the affair. 1
turnera Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I just feel him slipping further and further away. Of course he's slipping away. His wife has so little respect for herself that she allows him to cheat in her face. Why would he care about YOU when you don't seem to? If you can't afford to leave, at least cut off the internet so he has to go somewhere else to contact her.
CarboniteCammy Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I do not know what your situation is, OP. I do not know if this is a different name and perhaps you created an account in hopes that you would get different answers or whether this is your first thread and you are as conflicted as you sound. But, regardless of what you are looking for or who you are (because this forum is theoretically anonymous) I would suggest taking a long look at why you aren't more upset by your husband's cheating. When most people post here in the Infidelity forum, they are shocked, outraged and deeply hurt. You see often that the betrayed spouses have racing thoughts, they feel physically sick, and many say that being cheated on is worse then death. I do not see those kinds of emotions coming from you. I do not understand why. Surely, even if this betrayal has gone on for years, it can't be something that one just gets used to. Surely you aren't so dispirited that your only thoughts are whether your husband's affair is serious...At least, I hope not. If your only real question is whether your husband's affair is serious, then yes, I think it is very serious. It sounds like he's going to leave you for his other woman. When you first found out about the infidelity, how did you react? With anger? Fear? I really feel like I want to know why there's such an odd lack of emotion here.
Author SmithM Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 They just met for sex again yesterday!! I'm shocked. When I confronted him, he made a big splash about how it was just sex, and keeps wanting to see her even more often? After the last time they met for sex, I thought some of it was somewhat positive bc she sounded pissed off that it was all they did... But after what I just read, I'm back to square one. In emails about a time they had sex a couple of months ago, they talk about how he "kissed her a lot" but there was no talking. She was complaining about how he didn't ask any questions about her or her life, they only had sex and he wanted to ask about her marriage, husband, etc. So today I read new emails and she's complaining about the opposite - how they met for sex yesterday, then he didn't kiss her but was talking about everything, asking about her job, her son, her mothering, talking about himself as a father, how we raise our boys, how lenient he is after she mentioned her husband is a strict dad and she's more relaxed. At one point, he's emailing about us and tells her "I don't know if that means we're bad parents..." he then says something in a message about how they "weren't there to kiss each other " and how he knows it turns her on when he's "mean"?! He then writes about his political views, how he grew up, she grew up, etc, what we feed our kids, what she lets hers eat, everything! He also tells her he's on the verge of being offered "a bigger job", she mentions that happened to her husband, he got promoted... My husband doesn't engage her and then makes a snappy comment. Am I right to believe that his behavior isn't normal in a sex only affair?! I absolutely want to confront him, he's seen her for sex twice in 2 months and would have done it more often if she had let him. I've read texts and every time she contacts him, he instantly writes something like "just tell me when", "can it be today?", etc. He jumps whenever she wants him to. And he has the nerve to minimize it? I keep telling myself it could be true. But it has been 4 years. And once again, he's dragging our kids into it, like he did so many times before. This time, questioning our ability as parents in comparison to hers. It's too much.
Author SmithM Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 Because I'm not an outwardly emotional person. I have trouble feeling it, even more trouble conveying it. It's partly cultural, but I am working in it currently in therapy. I am only existing with my husband since I found out, I want to hold on to him, but I feel him slipping further away. And no one on this forum had ever brought up the possibility that he would be the one to leave. Thank you for your impartial input.
anne1707 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Why should he leave? You are letting hin have the best of both worlds because you allow him to continue his affair without any repurcussions. It's perfect for him. The question is, why don't you leave?
CarboniteCammy Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Isn't the whole thing just too much?
Author SmithM Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 Because if he's not in love with her yet, I might be able to give our marriage a try. What if he's telling the truth and he is only looking for sex?
CarrieT Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 They just met for sex again yesterday!! ... It's too much. Then leave. He admits he is seeing another woman. Why do you put up with it? Have you been tested for STDs? Why are you raising children in a household where disrespecting marital vows and another individual is tolerated?
anne1707 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Smith I'm a fWS. If your H is so barefaced cruel and disrespectful to continue to have this affair, knowing that you know, then there is nothing to reconcile. He does not care enough about you and the marriage. Are you really prepared for him to just have sex with other women just to stay in this sham of a marriage
Author SmithM Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 He doesn't know that I know the affair has continued. I found out, she went after him, he took her back, doesn't know that I know about the "new" affair. As far as he knows, I'm upset bc I'm still getting over the 3.5 year betrayal... Not the one he re-started a couple of months ago.
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