ShyGuyVA Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Hi... Long and short of my story is that I had joined one of those free dating apps, and for the most part, found what I expected. But there was one woman that I hit it off with well, after a while digging and waiting. We just "got" each other, and aside from some distance between us (VA and MO), it looked like everything was going along really well. I started to get that feeling, and she was showing signs that she really liked who I was. I was at the point of thinking about how I could resolve the distance factor, should it come up. So I opened up a little more, and rather than rambling in her ear about a bunch of details, I thought I'd give her the link to a forum I'm a member of, and let her read at her leisure about where I was in the cosmos, and how I am taking what I have and trying to make the best of it. She had been interested up until that point, so I finally decided to throw it out there. After a somewhat shorter delay than I would have expected, she comes back with "That's a lot of reading..." 4 minutes later she springs the old "hey its late, can we talk tomorrow" at me... No biggie, it was in fact late, so sure, of course. I haven't been able to talk to her since. I'm pretty bummed about this. I enjoyed a week or so of chatting with her, but wish now that I had listened to my gut and just kept the rest to myself. But that's not how I am, and I know I'm going to reveal myself more or less in my entirety to someone I like anyway, so why hold back? This is why. I listened to her instead of my instincts, and trusted her she said she is up front and forward about her thought process. In her words "if I don't like someone, I don't have any problem just telling them". Maybe I should have asked what that entails. I'm told that the right one will come along and will not only not have an issue with my story, but will embrace it. Somehow I'm having trouble with that. Me.
Apolodor Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Your mistake is a classical case of "too much, too soon". You should have waited longer before you opened the door to all that heavy stuff. Girls date guys to have fun, they want a laugh, they don't expect to be burden with your life philosophy sort of thing. I am sorry to tell you, but you blew it this time. Don't get disheartened, we all make mistakes. Step back, learn the lesson that is to be learned, and move on. There are millions of girls out there who are waiting to be discovered.......
Author ShyGuyVA Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 (edited) Depressing as it is, I think you're right. Its just such a sorted mess, that I'd almost rather just get it out of the way tho when I'm interested in someone. Investing a bunch of time, feeling, effort, and the like into getting to know someone better only to have them vaporize when that part of my life comes up just gets old. Its not like I'm some kind of crazy psychopath, but I'll admit, its not an easy story to tell, and so I'd imagine its not an easy one to hear either. It does however play an important role in tying two "eras" of my life together; without it, there's aa lot that just doesn't make sense. So it has to come out one way or another. Someone told me that the right woman will look right past it and see the value in what's currently in front of her, not the dismantled man that once stood in my place. I hold out with hope that this is true, but I'm losing faith in that concept, and quickly. If its better to just keep it to myself, then how do I explain the "missing pieces" when those questions come up? And if I'm supposed to just lay it out there instead, how do I recognize the right timing to do so? The woman that inspired this thread was a serious blow to my self worth, simply because I thought (based on what she had brought as her philosophy), she'd be straight with me if it were an issue. But without a trace, gone, seemingly to never be heard from again. At the very least, I'd like to know the exact "breaker" for her, but I wasn't afforded that respect just as a human. Wouldn't bother me so much had she not stated that her methodology were to the contrary. :/ Me Edited February 24, 2013 by ShyGuyVA
imok Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Though I agree it might have been too much too soon, I still err on the side of honesty. There are ways of being open without getting into all the little details that might be overwhelming to someone new. As far as timing goes, the topic will probably come up on it's own, and I'd say that would be the best time to talk about it. Don't let it bum you out too much. She kind of seems like a jerk. Could there be someone on the forum you mentioned, who already knows what's up, that might have some potential?
todreaminblue Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Depressing as it is, I think you're right. Its just such a sorted mess, that I'd almost rather just get it out of the way tho when I'm interested in someone. Investing a bunch of time, feeling, effort, and the like into getting to know someone better only to have them vaporize when that part of my life comes up just gets old. Its not like I'm some kind of crazy psychopath, but I'll admit, its not an easy story to tell, and so I'd imagine its not an easy one to hear either. It does however play an important role in tying two "eras" of my life together; without it, there's aa lot that just doesn't make sense. So it has to come out one way or another. Someone told me that the right woman will look right past it and see the value in what's currently in front of her, not the dismantled man that once stood in my place. I hold out with hope that this is true, but I'm losing faith in that concept, and quickly. If its better to just keep it to myself, then how do I explain the "missing pieces" when those questions come up? And if I'm supposed to just lay it out there instead, how do I recognize the right timing to do so? The woman that inspired this thread was a serious blow to my self worth, simply because I thought (based on what she had brought as her philosophy), she'd be straight with me if it were an issue. But without a trace, gone, seemingly to never be heard from again. At the very least, I'd like to know the exact "breaker" for her, but I wasn't afforded that respect just as a human. Wouldn't bother me so much had she not stated that her methodology were to the contrary. :/ Me I wouldn't blurt everything out and deconstruct myself when first meeting someone and getting to know them i would enjoy that process without getting too deep into my psyche.....i dont think anyone should do this i dont see the benefit of it......i think its more important to see where you mesh than what you have done in the past or how you got to the point you are now, when the relationship gets serious I think that's more where you can go into life experiences.....in saying that i have to divulge certain things about my past....as a matter of necessity.....and any questions i would answer honestly without being graphic......I dont think that there are many men who wouldnt find my past hard to deal with....and i think when it comes to a relationship you need to be able to take the other persons feelings into consideration....thats why you should know how they feel about certain issues before you do the divulge..that comes with getting to know them , how they feel and what they feel strongly against ,what they believe in what their values are.....all this should be known....before a relationship progresses into sharing sensitive and or painful information.... ...deb
Author ShyGuyVA Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 (edited) I certainly appreciate the feedback... I guess its a delicate balance. Bringing everything to the table with enough diligence to "weed out" (for lack of a better term) the ones that aren't going to accept it and not waste any more time than necessary vs. letting it build to the point that it won't be such a big deal. As it turned out, I was probably reaching a bit anyway and letting a touch of desperation get in the way of a more logical approach to the whole thing. I'm a bit out of practice, and I suppose that's to be expected somewhat. I have to keep reminding myself that I can't undo what was done, I can only go forward and make a sincere effort to never let the past repeat itself. I've had some positive responses since this began, and I have found someone that actually does seem willing to look past it all. She's aware of my situation, where I've been, and where I intend to go, and you are right, putting it all out there at once was most likely the killer the first time around. I just let it flow naturally this time, and although there were some rough spots in my mind where I just sat in anticipation of the usual get up and walk away routine, it hasn't happened yet. The myriad list that follows me is almost completely disclosed at this point, and even though only time will tell the end result, I do feel much better about this one than some others that I've been through in terms of where I think everything stands. If she does end up accepting everything and taking me at face value, I will make sure that she never regrets it. I don't think I've ever had anyone actually do that before. She's the first one where I didn't pick up on some kind of ulterior motive... Those situations are no good and I'll never go into a relationship ever again where I sense one. We will see, huh? Me Edited March 2, 2013 by ShyGuyVA
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