RogerWallace111 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 So, I'm 5 months out of a more or less 3.5 year relationship. The first of the string of breakups was initiated by me- I just didn't see myself staying with her forever and it wasn't much fun anymore. We ended up reuniting/splitting a few more times before she made it truly final, saying it "didn't feel right". Which it definitely didn't. You can only sweep the sh*t under the rug so many times. I would always have a strange, paradoxical, mixed sense of relief and panic each time we'd get back together. Anyway, as much as my brain knew it was for the best, and in the most literal sense of the word, I didn't "want" to be with her anymore, my heart was still f*cked up over it. But the previous on/off's prepared me relatively well, and the whole anxiety/sleeplessness/lost-appetite **** only lasted a few days- it was a relatively dull pain this time compared to the previous ones. In the months since, I've gotten music released alongside some of my favorite artists, gotten in better physical shape then ever, moved to a new spot I really dig, etc. Basically I'm doing better than ever, and thanks to the musical progress in particular, am feeling happier/more spiritually fulfilled than ever (I neglected it while in the relationship and it was kind of killing me inside). So, I typically feel really good these days. And am typically very content, hopeful, and excited about the future/being single. Still... Every maybe 1-3 weeks, I'll have a bummed out morning, afternoon or evening where I feel really lonely and reminisce about the ex. It's never too bad or anything- wouldn't even describe it as "pain"- just a numb, detached kind of sadness. I've had a couple meaningless strings of hookups since, which were nice reminders of my own appeal to females, but also left me feeling kind of empty. Anyway, I'm left wondering if that dull sadness will just keep resurfacing until another girl I'm really into enters my life... Like I said, it's tolerable and if it keeps coming back around so be it, it's just kind of discouraging sometimes. Does it take a new love to stop all lingering thoughts of the ex once and for all ? Supposing it wasn't an angry end (in my case just a situation of being too young to commit but still loving her). Regardless of how long these feelings keep coming back around, I'm glad I didn't jump immediately into a new relationship, and have been waiting it out. The way I feel these days is pretty amazing, the loneliness has been worth it. Thoughts on this issue ?
Author RogerWallace111 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) P.S. Two other bits worth noting : 1. She was my first real love and longterm relationship, probably a significant factor... 2. Haven't had any contact minus a quick run-in 4 months back Edited February 23, 2013 by RogerWallace111
cavalier99 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Sounds like your pretty much ready. Try dating more until you get used to it. Even a short term thing would probably be the final knockout blow to thoughts about the old RS. Either way i think with a couple more months you'll be over it based the tone of your post.
Author RogerWallace111 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Thanks, encouraging words. I feel "over it" that's for sure. Even in the wistful moments I wouldn't describe it as being "hung up" or anything like that. Right now, for instance, I don't give the slightest f*ck. But I just don't like feeling like those thoughts could spring back up; back home alone at the close of a super fun weekend, some morning before work- whenever they might return. Anyway I think it's pretty safe to say I'm ready to see other girls, and that those off days are just loneliness talking (cause I have no desire to be back with her, the thought of that is frightening). As others have made threads about, her being my only real girlfriend probably plays into it to. Where I've seen some post about going through a breakup, being lonely, and reminiscing about all their past lovers, I only have one. I imagine if I'd been in love before her that girl would be coming up in my thoughts from time to time too now. Maybe the answer is that, if you're the type who loves the affection & company of the opposite sex and considers it one of the finest things in life, you're always going to have moments where you feel lonely while there's a lack of it. Or just bummed that you don't have it. And since it's by no means a crippling type of sadness, I'll just assume it's natural. And that my thoughts turning to her, as she's only one who ever really provided me with that , is normal. I agree even a enjoyable short-term thing would likely be the knockout blow. In fact anytime I get good reminders of the plethora of females around, and how plenty of them dig me, it feels awesome. 1
H3Drvr Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Maybe the answer is that, if you're the type who loves the affection & company of the opposite sex and considers it one of the finest things in life, you're always going to have moments where you feel lonely while there's a lack of it. Or just bummed that you don't have it. And since it's by no means a crippling type of sadness, I'll just assume it's natural. And that my thoughts turning to her, as she's only one who ever really provided me with that , is normal. Yes, exactly. You really don't have anything else to compare to so when you do wake up alone and sad, of course your thoughts will be of the ex. I think once you have more "real" RS's under your belt, you will begin to understand that it's not particularly about your first love...youre just not feeling good that day and no one really special is next to you to comfort you. But anyway, it sounds like your at the point that the feeling only lives for moments then goes away.
Standard-Fare Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I don't know if other people here are going to agree with this, but I've recognized something about myself recently. Since about the age of 14, I've always been in either one phase or the other: 1) In Love 2) Pining Of course, let's allow that both of those categories run the gamut. For example, "In Love" encompasses everything from flirtations with a friend, an impractical crush on a teacher, to a three-year relationship. And "Pining" could mean anything from nursing an unrequited crush to sobbing-in-the-pillow dysfunction after a breakup. The point is, there's always ONE PERSON who's on my mind as my focus. So for me, to get myself fully out of the "Pining" phase, I always need to find another person to focus on for the "In Love" phase. I think most people are like that.
H3Drvr Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 For me...I have my manwhore phase...not in love, not pining...just bangin everything that looks hot and overall having a awesome time being single. Oddly, it has always been during this phase where I end up meeting someone and getting into a "in love phase". I'm also most confident and secure about myself during this time; not "looking" fr a relationship and I'm also perfectly fine being alone. 1
lullaby Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 So, I'm 5 months out of a more or less 3.5 year relationship. The first of the string of breakups was initiated by me- I just didn't see myself staying with her forever and it wasn't much fun anymore. We ended up reuniting/splitting a few more times before she made it truly final, saying it "didn't feel right". Which it definitely didn't. You can only sweep the sh*t under the rug so many times. I would always have a strange, paradoxical, mixed sense of relief and panic each time we'd get back together. Anyway, as much as my brain knew it was for the best, and in the most literal sense of the word, I didn't "want" to be with her anymore, my heart was still f*cked up over it. But the previous on/off's prepared me relatively well, and the whole anxiety/sleeplessness/lost-appetite **** only lasted a few days- it was a relatively dull pain this time compared to the previous ones. In the months since, I've gotten music released alongside some of my favorite artists, gotten in better physical shape then ever, moved to a new spot I really dig, etc. Basically I'm doing better than ever, and thanks to the musical progress in particular, am feeling happier/more spiritually fulfilled than ever (I neglected it while in the relationship and it was kind of killing me inside). So, I typically feel really good these days. And am typically very content, hopeful, and excited about the future/being single. Still... Every maybe 1-3 weeks, I'll have a bummed out morning, afternoon or evening where I feel really lonely and reminisce about the ex. It's never too bad or anything- wouldn't even describe it as "pain"- just a numb, detached kind of sadness. I've had a couple meaningless strings of hookups since, which were nice reminders of my own appeal to females, but also left me feeling kind of empty. Anyway, I'm left wondering if that dull sadness will just keep resurfacing until another girl I'm really into enters my life... Like I said, it's tolerable and if it keeps coming back around so be it, it's just kind of discouraging sometimes. Does it take a new love to stop all lingering thoughts of the ex once and for all ? Supposing it wasn't an angry end (in my case just a situation of being too young to commit but still loving her). Regardless of how long these feelings keep coming back around, I'm glad I didn't jump immediately into a new relationship, and have been waiting it out. The way I feel these days is pretty amazing, the loneliness has been worth it. Thoughts on this issue ? You pretty much described a relationship I had with someone I truly loved and still love. Not my first relationship though, but the strongest one. I think like you say most of these feelings appear because you don't have someone there, and because what you experienced with her was new and you have no other relationship to compare it with. I think you're quite there to start dating but don't do it just to find someone to love and wake up next to, do it to open doors, see what's out there, because it's also depressing and confusing when you go out there to find a relationship because if you don't find it, you need to be ready to continue waking up alone and having those lonely moments. But I think you're getting to that place where you can truly find someone because you kept true to yourself and worked it out on your own without relying on having someone sleeping next to you. According to your question: Does it take a new love to stop all lingering thoughts of the ex once and for all? Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. From my own experience, I was over this relationship I mentioned before, and started going out with another guy. We had a really meaningful relationship for 5 months until I put an end to it, it was not working for different reasons (his reasons) although I did care about him and was on the path towards falling in love with him. But I found myself thinking about my previous boyfriend and realized I still have feelings for him So in my case, this new love I had for 5 months didn't stop all lingering thoughts of the ex. Sorry I vent here, I just felt the need 1
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