tilby Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Hi, I met this guy online a few months ago and we hit it off so we met for lunch. We've since met up for lunch a few more times and talk on the phone and message each other a few times a week. The thing is every time we meet there's a lot of conversation, flirting, holding hands, kissing, etc. (no sex) and he says he enjoys 'hanging out' and wants to take me on a romantic date. We'll arrange to meet up again for a date but then it becomes 'hanging out' again. I'm so confused! What in your opinion constitutes a date and when does a date become not a date? He's having some issues with his ex too so he has some baggage (like most of us). A guy's opinion on this would be a huge help. Thanks!
RebelWithoutACause Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Hi, I met this guy online a few months ago and we hit it off so we met for lunch. We've since met up for lunch a few more times and talk on the phone and message each other a few times a week. The thing is every time we meet there's a lot of conversation, flirting, holding hands, kissing, etc. (no sex) and he says he enjoys 'hanging out' and wants to take me on a romantic date. We'll arrange to meet up again for a date but then it becomes 'hanging out' again. I'm so confused! What in your opinion constitutes a date and when does a date become not a date? He's having some issues with his ex too so he has some baggage (like most of us). A guy's opinion on this would be a huge help. Thanks! You asked for a guy's perspective and I'm not exactly a guy but ah well, here's my 2c anyways. If you're holding hand, kissing, etc. It's a date. Might be an informal date, but still a date. If you'd like to get more formal with him, I.e. go out on romantic dinners, then you might have to tell him that. If he doesn't pick up the effort he's probably not interested in anything seriuos with you.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 You met online (an online dating site?) and are meeting one-on-one in person for meals where you flirt, kiss, and hold hands. Kissing (on the lips) and holding hands aren't things you do with a sibling or platonic friend. You said, "we" arrange another date and it becomes hanging out. Who is "we" exactly? Who exactly suggests meeting again? Him? You? Who approached whom online? Him? You? Who suggested the first date? Who exactly initiates communication? Who exactly is keeping things from dying off between you two? If his ex is still in the picture, and things haven't progressed beyond the occasional lunch, he may be unavailable emotionally for a relationship. He may still be hung up on the ex and possibly at some level hoping to reconcile with her. Hence the semantic nonsense about not really "dating" you even though he is. Personally I would toss him back in the online pond, and find another guy more amenable to dating me. Progression FWIW would be meeting more frequently, communicating more frequently, doing other things besides just meeting for lunch. Often by a "few" months in, if you really click with each other, you're lives are starting to become intertwined. You might have met some of each others' friends, have gone grocery shopping or run other errands together, etc. You're starting to do more in addition to having "dates." You're starting to just live your lives together as well. Early dating shouldn't be a struggle. If you find yourself fighting to get to a date, confused about whether you are even dating someone, etc., the other person just isn't interested. You're fighting an uphill battle for a lost cause. Move on.
Author tilby Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 Thanks for your replies. He approached me online and he is the one that suggests meeting up and the dates. All I do is tell him when I'm free. He also pays. As for keeping the communication going, its pretty even there. If I'm not sure what's going on I won't contact him and let him contact me, which he always does even if its 2 or 3 days. He also has kids. I have one. I'm keen on him but I don't want for this to drag on if there's no future. I've asked him what he wants and he replies with... 'I enjoy your company but I want to get to know you better'. We have some intense make out sessions but there has never been any pressure for sex.
laaddict Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 If you want a future, stop being passive. If he feels like he is doing all the work he will ditch you. I am currently in the same situation but the girl I like seems to be doing at least a little bit of work. If you let him be the one who initiates, you will be sorry when he stops initiating. Worse is when you find out that when YOU try to initiate he is not responsive. Have enough self respect to decide that it is your choice to be with him or not, would you want to be with someone who does not let you initiate? If you want to be subject to his will, and not your own, continue, otherwise change your behavior. If this girl that I like had sent me messages more often and taken the initiative to contact me more; I would have become WAY more comfortable with her, but I consider myself a healthy, conscious and intelligent individual. Dont let him do all the work, its not fair and its not good for the relationship, it is a 2 way street after all...
Author tilby Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 I've taken your advice on board and will re-evaluate the situation. Thanks again to all who replied.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Thanks for your replies. He approached me online and he is the one that suggests meeting up and the dates. All I do is tell him when I'm free. He also pays. As for keeping the communication going, its pretty even there. If I'm not sure what's going on I won't contact him and let him contact me, which he always does even if its 2 or 3 days. He also has kids. I have one. I'm keen on him but I don't want for this to drag on if there's no future. I've asked him what he wants and he replies with... 'I enjoy your company but I want to get to know you better'. We have some intense make out sessions but there has never been any pressure for sex. What I placed in bold are all additional signs that he is interested and these are dates. Perhaps his focus was on the word "romantic" not "date" when he made the statement. Ask him what he means next time he says something about taking you on a romantic date. I use humor to keep someone from feeling put on the spot when I ask questions that might make them feel awkward. It gets me an honest response without the person becoming defensive. A few other possibilities: He's looking for something casual and to have things progress very slowly.As a parent, possibly it's been hard to juggle child care to schedule anything other than lunch so far, and he's a little apologetic. IDK...I'm not a parent and I've never dated a parent, but I imagine scheduling might be a little harder for those with kids.He's unclear about your interest level and is trying to gauge that before pushing ahead Have a conversation with him rather than trying to speculate or guess at what he might be thinking. What are you looking for anyway? Something fun and casual when you aren't parenting? A boyfriend? A long-term relationship? If you are looking for something more than light and casual, I would have a general chat on your next date about what you are looking for out of dating. You want to make sure you're on the same page. Also besides initiating communication, have you done other things to show you're "keen" to be with him? It doesn't have to be physical. It could be cooking for him or planning a date if he's already planned a few. When I really like a guy, I start doing little thoughtful things for him that make it pretty clear I really like him. Since you really like him, perhaps start saying and doing a little more than contacting him and saying yes to dates. Not a criticism of what you have done so far, btw. Just a suggestion to help things progress a little faster since he acts interested. Good luck.
rn0408 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I make it clear I'm not looking but would like a casual date. A casual date means hanging out pretty much as friends and having a good time or catching up on things since you haven't talked to someone in a long time. I even pay. One of my friends is dealing with a rough time with a divorce and kids. I offered dinner not because I'm asking her out, but for time to get her mind off of whats going on because she was so stressed out and upset.
apple OR orange Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 well, it depends what you mean by "date". personally, i think the idea of a date is to lead to sex (and as women like to "know" someone first, they like to "date" a few times before sex). This means you can date a friend to have "f*ck buddy", its still a date in my eyes, some will only "date" to know someone longer than just sex, so they dont "date" a friend when its just sex. Though for them sex is different than a relationship. It sounds like the reason you date may not be the same reason he does.
Author tilby Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 I think I've left out some key information... When we do meet one of us has a time rrestriction, which is advised prior to meeting. Whether that is going back to work or picking up kids from childcare. Could that be why he doesn't view it as a date?
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 See possibility #2 in my post. Bottom line: as I said before, you need to speak with him. You and all of us are speculating. If you want a healthy relationship, you have to be open to communicating and seeking clarity when you aren't sure...from HIM, not random strangers.
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