Technology keeping people in the past?

[Sugarkane]

I envy the old says when you never saw/ heard if exes ever again. We didn't have information about how great their lives are. It seems technology keeps people obsessed about what their ex is up too. It is too easy to do.

[purplereigncb]

truth... in it all. too many memory triggers

[TaraMaiden]

But it's always the same.... the advances Mankind makes in one direction, always but always have their negative sides pulling in the other....

 

The secret is to use, not abuse.

 

If people succumb to the crap side of things, it's because they choose to be pulled that way.

Diversify, expand, think outside the box, and improvise.

 

You control 'it'....

 

'It' doesn't control you.

[Feelin Frisky]

I made the terrible mistake of looking up the dingbat I almost married on FB. There she was with her son graduating. She must have gotten knocked up by the very next guy for him to be his age. I feel that this had to be in her head--that somewhere back there is this desire to flick me with some example of her success. After all, the only message since we broke up in the early 90's was that she encountered my sister in law in the World Trade Center and just had to try to tweak me with words of how fast she hooked up with someone else who would marry her. I thought, omg, poor guy--another future divorce. I don't know if they managed to stick it out together all these years, but they had a kid toots sweet. It just brought out disgust. If she wasn't such a problematic person I would have had my marriage and not taken the breakup so hard I wound up being reckless and getting to trouble that I never was in before that. I can't blame her for my entire trajectory but I do for ruining the perfect love we both wanted in each other.

[SuperGeek]

What I did was get rid of all traces of the ex and promised myself not to ever lookup the ex on the internet. So far it's been a year and I haven't heard, seen, or been told what she's doing or where she lives. I'm 100% ignorant and will remain the way until i die. She could be married with kids by now for all I know -- probably is, but it doesn't do me any good to know that information? nope.

 

So my point is you can emulate the less-connected nature of the past if you have good will power and just promise yourself not to search for them on the internet. It is painful though and sometimes it requires letting go of common friends, but in the end it's worth it (at least for me) so you can move on from it and heal.

 

It took me moving pretty far away for awhile to implement this plan. Not recommended for everyone obviously. I had to stay off social media and keep a low profile and i'm actually better off. I have more time and i'm not as connected to _every single person I've ever known in my life_ now. There is some mystery about me again and actually that draws new people in when they can't read about me on facebook. Face book is crap. A distraction and a torture device during painful breakups.

 

I envy the old says when you never saw/ heard if exes ever again. We didn't have information about how great their lives are. It seems technology keeps people obsessed about what their ex is up too. It is too easy to do.

Edited February 25, 2013 by SuperGeek

[KansasChica]

What I did was get rid of all traces of the ex and promised myself not to ever lookup the ex on the internet. So far it's been a year and I haven't heard, seen, or been told what she's doing or where she lives. I'm 100% ignorant and will remain the way until i die. She could be married with kids by now for all I know -- probably is, but it doesn't do me any good to know that information? nope.

 

So my point is you can emulate the less-connected nature of the past if you have good will power and just promise yourself not to search for them on the internet. It is painful though and sometimes it requires letting go of common friends, but in the end it's worth it (at least for me) so you can move on from it and heal.

 

It took me moving pretty far away for awhile to implement this plan. Not recommended for everyone obviously. I had to stay off social media and keep a low profile and i'm actually better off. I have more time and i'm not as connected to _every single person I've ever known in my life_ now. There is some mystery about me again and actually that draws new people in when they can't read about me on facebook. Face book is crap. A distraction and a torture device during painful breakups.

 

Super,

I'm curious- were you the dumper or the dumpee? I was the dumpee and I remember being crushed when I found out that he had gotten rid of everything that I'd ever given him and erased every trace of me. He got rid of social media and mutual friends- changed grocery stores, gym, anything where he might run into me. Now, I realize that it was his way of dealing with things and helped him move on.

 

Thanks for any insight.

[Lillygoose]

This was an interesting post.

 

I am going with the whole What you dont know wont hurt you and its true.

 

I have too disappeared off facebook, twitter instagram.

 

And, hell! It really works!

 

I used to be this obsessed paranoid ex! and seeing everything he would put up crushed me. We ended up blocking each other, however when we spoke over a week ago im only 5 NC he mentioned that he didn't text me because he had been keeping tabs on me VIA these sites.

 

I was angry, He made a choice not to be in my life yet he still wants to see what I am up to. No, he does not deserve that.

 

 

so staying off everything till I feel better and am over him.

 

friends understand so s'ok!

 

 

[tbf]

I'm not convinced technology is the problem. People who obsess about exes will continue to do so, whether technology accords them the ability to stalk or they obsess through imagination and drive bys.

[lilacwine]

Face book is crap. A distraction and a torture device during painful breakups.

 

God this is so true. I used to stalk my ex's facebook everyday for a few months after the breakup. It came to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and had to deactivate my account. My life has been a thousand times better ever since I got OFF facebook. It's true that learning more about your ex's life post breakup is gonna do NOTHING good for you but further pain. Ignorance is bliss.

[Jingle14]

I've not once been tempted to look on his Facebook or Twitter account, in fact I deactivated my Facebook account for a good 8 months or so afterwards and I avoid 'following' anyone on Twitter that I know he also follows, I don't want to know, see or hear anything that would give me any clue what is going on in his life, or whether he is (genuinely) happy.

 

It was bad enough finding out - from intuition so I confronted him, only days after we'd been intimate and he was supposedly 'giving thought' to our reconciling - that he was seeing someone else. He refused to comment who this replacement was or where they had met but, knowing he had only a small social circle, I guessed it was someone from his running club. I was crushed when my ex husband (we all live in the same neighbourhood, so word does get around) confirmed in passing that I was right, as this confirmed it was a reality and that made it more difficult to deal with.

 

I have no idea if they are still together but I assume they are. I'd really rather not know. I'm lucky, given we are in the same neighbourhood, that I have never seen him with anyone, either walking down the street, in the shops or local pubs. I know that no matter how long a time passes, that will be something I wouldn't be prepared for.

 

Why look and actively seek out information about them that you know will hurt you. I've been - and still am - hurt far too much without heaping more on myself. It's pure masochism. I could easily find out what he's up to by asking my ex husband but I never would. I actually avoid places where I might bump into him - I go to a different local store, and avoid times he might be around 'just in case' - I don't go to the local park (a large tourist attraction I used to regularly go to, before him and with him), I drive the long way around to avoid going past his office and street (although I can't avoid his parents house as it's at the end of my street), anything to avoid bumping into him. Any places where I have bumped into him, I don't go to again. So keen am I not to know that I sometimes avoid going out altogether, not sure that is altogether healthy but it's the way I deal with things for now.

Edited February 26, 2013 by Jingle14

[SharkTooth]

Believe it or not, we had what we called phones or land lines not to long ago. If you knew how to use them, you could work wonders getting information. Everything just took a little longer to receive. Patients now a days, has left the building

[carhill]

As an anecdote, other than when my exW contacted me via e-mail last year, I had no idea what she's been up to, absent friend's proactive statements. We've been divorced for over two years and split up for nearly four. She could be dead for all I know. Same with all the other women in my 'past'. People have control of the technology which serves them. We have choices. Living in the now is a choice. Living in the past is a choice.

[SuperGeek]

I was the dumpee. She broke my heart by leaving after four years. It was just too painful to be around her after she left so abruptly. Even her friends wern't worth hanging around anymore because she villianized me into a monster (even though i wasn't really that horrible to her - Some women who know the story say i treated her better than any previous boyfriend/husband in her life). I wasn't perfect but none of us are in relationships. I was failthful to her, loved her, and tried to support her as best as I could and it just wasn't enough I guess. We all have faults. She just found someone better she thought, took a chance, and it blew up in her face. Damn near killed me at the time, to be honest. She made sure to nuke the bridge from orbit on her way out - no reconciliation would ever be possible because she trashed me to everyone she knew as a way to build her support against me.

 

I got away from her so that I could move on and actually keep living. Yeah I was that bad. I didn't even want to live for awhile after she left. It has been a long three years to recovery but now I'm finally doing a lot better and completely indifferent about it. Staying away from her, her friends, family, and anyone associated with her has been the best thing i could have done for myself. I wouldn't be on this planet otherwise. [ I even got into counseling and realized my reaction was a bit too drastic and have learned about that as well ].

 

I won't say it's always easier for the dumper, but in her case I think it was. She was already dating someone new and planning an engagement 60 days after she split. It didn't last long with this guy, he was just a rebound and ended up using her (while I did nothing but help her and add to her life in many ways). She tried to come back after about a year, but her attempt was pathetic (and that's giving her too much credit), so I passed on her offer to 'just be my friend again and see where it goes with no guarantees'. My ex is definitely a piece of work and I wish the next guy she's with the best of luck (he'll need it). There just was no way in hell I was going to feel that kind of pain again -- not to mention the trust was just absolutely shattered to bits.

 

I smile not knowing where she is or what she is doing. I realize someday I might just run into her again, but by that point, it just won't matter. It doesn't even matter now, but I won't seek out the info, what would be the point? I've moved on and so has she.

 

People that remain friends with exes (who aren't required to be in contact for raising kids) don't make sense to me. I guess I'm just cut from a different set of cloth perhaps. What is the point? The feelings never go away from the past if you are in constant contact. Why keep digging up old emotions by staying in contact with exes? Even in the virtual world like facebook (painbook) it doesn't make sense to me? Why do i want to see facebook updates about what my ex is doing? i'd rather watch paint dry.

 

An old friend of mine (female) is still friends with her ex husband after being divorced 10 years and they have no kids. They go out to dinner together and I just find it so strange. She tells me he's still trying to get her back and she just eats up the attention. She says she doesn't feel that way about him and never will again. The guy is just putting himself through torture by sticking around. She just eats it up and watching her do this to him really got to be too much after awhile. I'm glad I witnessed it though, as it has made me stronger and not some tag along male just to be used as an emotional doormat/therapist by lonely female exes who really don't respect me in the first place.

 

SuperGeek

 

Super,

I'm curious- were you the dumper or the dumpee? I was the dumpee and I remember being crushed when I found out that he had gotten rid of everything that I'd ever given him and erased every trace of me. He got rid of social media and mutual friends- changed grocery stores, gym, anything where he might run into me. Now, I realize that it was his way of dealing with things and helped him move on.

 

Thanks for any insight.

Edited March 2, 2013 by SuperGeek

[KansasChica]

I was the dumpee. She broke my heart by leaving after four years. It was just too painful to be around her after she left so abruptly. Even her friends wern't worth hanging around anymore because she villianized me into a monster (even though i wasn't really that horrible to her - Some women who know the story say i treated her better than any previous boyfriend/husband in her life). I wasn't perfect but none of us are in relationships. I was failthful to her, loved her, and tried to support her as best as I could and it just wasn't enough I guess. We all have faults. She just found someone better she thought, took a chance, and it blew up in her face. Damn near killed me at the time, to be honest. She made sure to nuke the bridge from orbit on her way out - no reconciliation would ever be possible because she trashed me to everyone she knew as a way to build her support against me.

 

I got away from her so that I could move on and actually keep living. Yeah I was that bad. I didn't even want to live for awhile after she left. It has been a long three years to recovery but now I'm finally doing a lot better and completely indifferent about it. Staying away from her, her friends, family, and anyone associated with her has been the best thing i could have done for myself. I wouldn't be on this planet otherwise. [ I even got into counseling and realized my reaction was a bit too drastic and have learned about that as well ].

 

I won't say it's always easier for the dumper, but in her case I think it was. She was already dating someone new and planning an engagement 60 days after she split. It didn't last long with this guy, he was just a rebound and ended up using her (while I did nothing but help her and add to her life in many ways). She tried to come back after about a year, but her attempt was pathetic (and that's giving her too much credit), so I passed on her offer to 'just be my friend again and see where it goes with no guarantees'. My ex is definitely a piece of work and I wish the next guy she's with the best of luck (he'll need it). There just was no way in hell I was going to feel that kind of pain again -- not to mention the trust was just absolutely shattered to bits.

 

I smile not knowing where she is or what she is doing. I realize someday I might just run into her again, but by that point, it just won't matter. It doesn't even matter now, but I won't seek out the info, what would be the point? I've moved on and so has she.

 

People that remain friends with exes (who aren't required to be in contact for raising kids) don't make sense to me. I guess I'm just cut from a different set of cloth perhaps. What is the point? The feelings never go away from the past if you are in constant contact. Why keep digging up old emotions by staying in contact with exes? Even in the virtual world like facebook (painbook) it doesn't make sense to me? Why do i want to see facebook updates about what my ex is doing? i'd rather watch paint dry.

 

An old friend of mine (female) is still friends with her ex husband after being divorced 10 years and they have no kids. They go out to dinner together and I just find it so strange. She tells me he's still trying to get her back and she just eats up the attention. She says she doesn't feel that way about him and never will again. The guy is just putting himself through torture by sticking around. She just eats it up and watching her do this to him really got to be too much after awhile. I'm glad I witnessed it though, as it has made me stronger and not some tag along male just to be used as an emotional doormat/therapist by lonely female exes who really don't respect me in the first place.

 

SuperGeek

 

Thanks for sharing. I guess, for me as the dumpee, everything happened so fast and so coldly. At first I thought it was him being rash, but when he completely cut me out of his life, deleted all trace of me, I just couldn't understand it. He lacked any empathy, but now I see that he really wasn't as emotionally invested in me as he claimed. He told me he loved me all the time, but that was all a lie. I'm glad you are doing better Super! I really wish I could forget him forever, but I know I can't. :/

[lilacwine]

I was the dumpee. She broke my heart by leaving after four years. It was just too painful to be around her after she left so abruptly. Even her friends wern't worth hanging around anymore because she villianized me into a monster (even though i wasn't really that horrible to her - Some women who know the story say i treated her better than any previous boyfriend/husband in her life). I wasn't perfect but none of us are in relationships. I was failthful to her, loved her, and tried to support her as best as I could and it just wasn't enough I guess. We all have faults. She just found someone better she thought, took a chance, and it blew up in her face. Damn near killed me at the time, to be honest. She made sure to nuke the bridge from orbit on her way out - no reconciliation would ever be possible because she trashed me to everyone she knew as a way to build her support against me.

 

I got away from her so that I could move on and actually keep living. Yeah I was that bad. I didn't even want to live for awhile after she left. It has been a long three years to recovery but now I'm finally doing a lot better and completely indifferent about it. Staying away from her, her friends, family, and anyone associated with her has been the best thing i could have done for myself. I wouldn't be on this planet otherwise. [ I even got into counseling and realized my reaction was a bit too drastic and have learned about that as well ].

 

I won't say it's always easier for the dumper, but in her case I think it was. She was already dating someone new and planning an engagement 60 days after she split. It didn't last long with this guy, he was just a rebound and ended up using her (while I did nothing but help her and add to her life in many ways). She tried to come back after about a year, but her attempt was pathetic (and that's giving her too much credit), so I passed on her offer to 'just be my friend again and see where it goes with no guarantees'. My ex is definitely a piece of work and I wish the next guy she's with the best of luck (he'll need it). There just was no way in hell I was going to feel that kind of pain again -- not to mention the trust was just absolutely shattered to bits.

 

I smile not knowing where she is or what she is doing. I realize someday I might just run into her again, but by that point, it just won't matter. It doesn't even matter now, but I won't seek out the info, what would be the point? I've moved on and so has she.

 

People that remain friends with exes (who aren't required to be in contact for raising kids) don't make sense to me. I guess I'm just cut from a different set of cloth perhaps. What is the point? The feelings never go away from the past if you are in constant contact. Why keep digging up old emotions by staying in contact with exes? Even in the virtual world like facebook (painbook) it doesn't make sense to me? Why do i want to see facebook updates about what my ex is doing? i'd rather watch paint dry.

 

An old friend of mine (female) is still friends with her ex husband after being divorced 10 years and they have no kids. They go out to dinner together and I just find it so strange. She tells me he's still trying to get her back and she just eats up the attention. She says she doesn't feel that way about him and never will again. The guy is just putting himself through torture by sticking around. She just eats it up and watching her do this to him really got to be too much after awhile. I'm glad I witnessed it though, as it has made me stronger and not some tag along male just to be used as an emotional doormat/therapist by lonely female exes who really don't respect me in the first place.

 

SuperGeek

 

Thanks for sharing this. I so admire your courage when you can turn down her offer to get back. I'm 7 months post breakup. At this stage, I still dream of the day he comes back into my life. But I'm sure, it will always remain a dream.

 

As for the last part, I can't believe your story either. In some other forum, that guy would be called an "emotional tampon". LOL! I was stupid enough to have tried staying friends with my ex for a few months. Thank God I got my senses back and asked him to never contact me. It was the best decision I've ever made.

 

After three years, have you dated others? And how successful are you??

 

I'm doing much better lately but still not ready to date again. The idea of being with another man scares the hell out of me. I feel I can't trust anyone after being dumped by "the love of my life". Just keep wondering if this feeling ever goes away or I'll be alone forever.

[Sugarkane]

I don't know like I get tempted to snoop myself at times, especially as I was called "crazy" just for wanting closure. Other people have done worse things on here. It's weird how some people are friends with their exes. Yet I get labelled crazy for wanting to know why I got dumped for no reason- just so they can sleep around.

[KansasChica]

I don't know like I get tempted to snoop myself at times, especially as I was called "crazy" just for wanting closure. Other people have done worse things on here. It's weird how some people are friends with their exes. Yet I get labelled crazy for wanting to know why I got dumped for no reason- just so they can sleep around.

 

Same thing happened to me. He never gave me a definite reason why he broke up with me and refused to meet with me. Months later, he popped back up and led me on again- we ended up hooking up again. When I asked him to meet me for coffee to just discuss the status of our relationship, he and his best friend told people I was basically crazy and still obsessed with him.

[Jingle14]

My friend split up with his partner (who had messed him around before that, and there was a big age gap - my friend was only 18 at the time they started seeing each other, his partner over 10 years older) around 3 years ago when he found his partner in bed with someone else - he literally just walked out, shut the door and never went back. The partner and fella he cheated on my friend with - a 24 year old - are still together and recently moved in (they move in a small world so my friend knows, even though they're not in contact).

 

Last week, my friend got a text from him, after a full year+ of no contact and completely out of the blue, just asking 'how's things'. Thankfully, my friend is completely over him and so it had no affect on him at all (which I'm thrilled about). In fact, my friend - with good reason - is feeling a little smug now as the ex clearly can't be happy in his new world if he is now making contact again.

[RogerWallace111]

I have no desire to check up on my ex or snoop through her ****, but yeah, the internet can be a pesky bugger post-relationship. I hadn't seen or heard anything about her for the last 5 months, life's been good, and I was and mostly still am feeling fine about the situation minus some general loneliness... But all it took was a FB friend request 3 days ago to throw me out of my zone and get me feelin kinda weird again.

 

check my thread on it here if you'd like, input is appreciated http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/378836-good-old-facebook

[SuperGeek]

Yup. I understand your urges to snoop and I still get them myself once in awhile, but I never react to them. I know from previous experience just how painful 'new knowledge' of an ex can be and how the pain can come from out of nowhere. I think at this point I don't really care what her reasons were as I've processed all the events and history, but sometimes I do just have a general curiosity for what she is doing. About 5 minutes after that thought I'm usually thinking 'Whatever. Who cares what she's doing?' and I move on from that thought. The urges happen less and less as I don't fuel the fire and react to them. I'm not going there as she doesn't deserve to be in my thoughts like that anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm not in her thoughts at all and replaced by some other guy. I also know I might run into her again one day, but so what? It's been over now for almost 3 years and it doesn't much matter at this point.

 

You'll get to where I'm at most likely sooner than I did. I was an extreme case and it took me quite awhile.

 

SuperGeek

 

I don't know like I get tempted to snoop myself at times, especially as I was called "crazy" just for wanting closure. Other people have done worse things on here. It's weird how some people are friends with their exes. Yet I get labelled crazy for wanting to know why I got dumped for no reason- just so they can sleep around.

Edited March 19, 2013 by SuperGeek