divorcedinohio Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Not sure what my intent of this message really is. I'm listening to the 90's station, drinking a beer, and contemplating how it all went wrong. Honestly, we should get a divorce, we no longer communicate or have anything in common. It's doesn't stop me from being completely lonely at this point. I feel like I wasted the last 10 years of my life in a relationship that failed. I'm not mad at her or myself, I'm just sad that we put in effort for nothing. I don't know what to think or what to do. I've been keeping to myself at this point, and I honestly think that is the right thing to do in the short term. I think I'm most afraid of what the future holds, not scared that I lost her. I recognize that means it's the right thing for me at this point. I just don't know WHAT TO DO!!!! Should I be going out partying, working out, spending time with family, doing blow (joke)? I guess a part of me is gone now that she is out of my life, I'm just having a hard time of adjusting. Why the **** is every song on right now about love? Only when you go through a break up of some sort does this happen. I'm thankful that our pending divorce has not got ugly at this point. Should I be seeking legal counsel immediately??? We still need to get an anullment (sp) and haven't decided on the terms. I don't think she'll screw me, but I want to be safe. Seriously, can somebody punch my ipod right now????? Thanks for looking, just felt like putting something down...
Kaza Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Do things that used to make you happy. Even if you don't feel like doing them now. Exercise is usually good, if you like it. Spend time with friends is also a good idea, it helped me. Find yourself again. Do something, anything, you can sit around and mope, but don't do that all the time. Take care 1
Mumbles Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Did the 10 years married now divorced thing myself. The whole separation/divorce process took nearly 3 years !!! I am now officially stamped and have the certificate - divorced as of JAN this year. Its been a long road. Everyone's circumstances, society and feelings are different. One thing right up front though, you say things are still amicable, mine was too, and I think if you can maintain this it will work out better for both of you. Everyone's emotions are on edge right now though, so be extremely careful of the language you use around your ex at this time. How many times did I just suck up a hurtful comment from my ex and not say anything? A lot, let me tell you, but to escalate into a pitched verbal battle, with the hurt feelings that can come from that won't serve you well when there is still so much good-will and negotiation required to separate your lives. Get some knowledge would be next next piece of advice. I had no idea of the legal divorce process, and neither did my wife. Get boned up, know your rights (and hers) and use this as a foundation. Rights alone, and legal posturing won't get you an amicable settlement/separation, be careful not to throw out legal talk during your conversations, but knowing how the process works will help you to get through it. I got legal council "on the side" if you like. I didn't want to waggle this in my wife's face, but I needed some solid advice. Although we basically managed our divorce between us, we both ended up coming to the negotiations required with lawyers hidden in the shadows behind us. Worked for us, might not work if things get very nasty ... if things get nasty it may well prove more beneficial to create 'space' between the two of you by inserting overt legal council and work with each other _through_ the solicitors. I don't know if children are involved. If there are, you will probably need more legal council than I did. No kids in my marriage. This made things relatively easy. The law here comes from the position that with no children, both married people should walk away with 50% of the assets of the marriage. There will be myriad nuances around this I'm sure, including any prenups and/or any significant wealth that one or both of you may have brought into the marriage. However, even if its the 50% rule, be prepared for significant negotiation. You are she will likely come from completely different perspectives on the relative value of things, like love and care, work, sex, mutual contributions. "who" exactly owns what in the house, like Aunt Jennies couch and whatnot. Everything from your socks to the house needs to have a value prescribed to it. If you can't agree then get a quantity surveyor in. They will put a 'professional' value (opinion) on everything for you. Anyway, enough of the mechanics. As for how you feel. I died inside, for a long time. I immediately missed the physical interaction, no, not just the sex, but everything .. the kiss, the stroke of my hand, the lot. The thought then, in my mind anyway, was to find a 'replacement' for this, move out, and live a single guys life again. However, breaking up with my wife was no where near the same as breaking up with a casual girlfriend, and rebounding just wasn't going to work. Instead, I'd highly recommend some of the other things from your list: Working out, yes definitely. It will help your self esteem and will release feel-good hormones which will help settle your bouncy emotions. Spend time with family? Sure, but don't be tempted to simply use them as a wailing wall. Renew friendships that might have flagged, work hard, and keep moving forward with your separation and divorce.
Author divorcedinohio Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Thanks for all the advice. Mumbles, really, thanks for everything you wrote. It seems like our situations have a lot in common and I appreciate the advice on the mechanics. I will definitely get legal advice to protect myself. I have been letting her blame me for the ending of the marriage. I don't agree with her, but fighting will get me nowhere at this point. It really helped to put in all down into words and get those two great responses. It's really amazing how alone one can feel during this time. I have friends and a thriving career, still pretty lonely at this point. I agree about the touch and togetherness, I miss that the most. In the end, this is the right thing for both of us. Thanks for the responses!
Recommended Posts