Have a little faith... and patience?

[5anta]

Yea so... I met a girl on Match about a month ago. She is 23 (soon to be 24) and I am 28. She is a graduate student and I am a working professional. We also live almost 2 hours away from each other.

 

It was totally unexpected because she is probably the cutest girl that has reached out to me. It wasn't actually her intention to meet someone because her cousin actually signed her up for the service and pushed her to try it. I was one of the lucky couple of guys that she happened to respond back to among all the junk mail that my competitors were sending her. I felt pretty lucky. We corresponded pretty frequently on Match and I tried setting up a meet date, but I felt she was hesitant since she told me she tried a date with another guy she met on Match and wasn't impressed.

 

It wasn't until she asked me to help her on a project with a charity organization that she volunteers for that she finally conceded to set time aside to actually meet for a sit down dinner. Prior to that, she invited me to a charity event catering to students and that's where I met her for the first time. I'd have to admit that I almost fell for her instantly. Honestly, I haven't felt like that since my first ex and I dated a total of three people seriously. I have never dated casually. Her personality is just so remarkable and unique; She's very kind hearted, intelligent, outgoing, fun, adventurous, diligent, hard working, dedicated... almost any positive adjective and she was it. IMHO, i think she is one of a kind.

 

Anyways, we set up a dinner on a Sunday night after she got out of work. We stayed until closing time talking about our lives and experiences over a sushi/shashimi boat for two. The restaurant was also BYOB so I brought a bottle of white wine to go with the fish. It was a great time and I think we connected real well... both of us recently got out of a relationship (she for about 6 months; me about 4 months). We both work in the health industry, are very family oriented, and independent people among other things.

 

She tells me that I am the nicest guy she has ever met and that she never expected to meet someone like me on Match. Of course, I get the biggest airhead ever from such a compliment. After that meeting, we texted more than we talk on the phone. Anyways, I think I fell so far that I pushing on too heavily forward. I pretty much scared her off. And now I kind of regret it.

 

Anyways, communication begins to dwindle. Something recently happened at school where a best friend ended up in the hospital and its really stressing her out. I don't know any of the details. That and combined with her work, school, and extracurricular activities she really doesn't have time for a relationship which I can understand. She told me I am caring for her so much that she is really scared and told me not to worry about her anymore. She then texts me an apology for being so mean to me and then tells me that she needs time and thanks me for my understanding. I haven't heard from her for almost a week. We are still friends on Facebook (if this matters at all).

 

I am putting in a little faith and I am going to wait it out to see what happens. I feel like a girl like her is 1 in a million. I felt like I won the lottery when I met her because the odds are so slim to meet someone decent. What are all your thoughts about this?

[5anta]

Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Thank you!

[RebelWithoutACause]

Sounds like your overeagerness turned her off. Next time you meet someone you like keep it together until you're both on the same page. Don't go all in so quickly. Atraction is built on equal measures availability and distance. You can't be too available but you can't be too aloof either.

 

I don't know if there is any hope with this girl, but if there is even a tiny slither of hope you need to back way off.

[5anta]

I think this is a very bad mindset to have.

 

There are tons of options all around you (no matter where you are). If you have an abundance mindset, you will have a much better chance of getting a girl (of course, you can't go too far with that or you become aloof, which can hurt you too).

 

But putting your eggs all in one basket is a recipe for massive disappointment.

 

I was actually meeting up with multiple girls at once. She just turned out to be the one that I clicked with the most.

[5anta]

Sounds like your overeagerness turned her off. Next time you meet someone you like keep it together until you're both on the same page. Don't go all in so quickly. Atraction is built on equal measures availability and distance. You can't be too available but you can't be too aloof either.

 

I don't know if there is any hope with this girl, but if there is even a tiny slither of hope you need to back way off.

 

Yea the ball is in her court now. If I don't hear anything for another 3 weeks then I am just going to send her a happy birthday email and leave it at that.

 

Not sure if the timing for a relationship is good for me right now as I am pretty preoccupied with other priorities (my bank is gonna be broke because I will be buying my first home soon), new job (still on probation for another 6 weeks), classes on the weekends, and a certification exam coming up. So its actually a win-win for me. And no, I am not really disappointed because I know she is genuinely busy. Since we are both busy, we're free to do whatever we want which is good. We also both agreed to the phrase "Que Sera Sera" when we talked. Whatever will be, will be.

[Cutiepie1976]

I don't think it was anything that you did.

 

She simply doesn't feel the same way, and my hunch is that she was trying to let you down nicely. Call her in a week, since you like her so much, to see how she's doing. You can ask for another date then. If the answer is no, then just move on to someone else. It was only one date. The click wasn't mutual. Disappointing no doubt, but it happens.

[5anta]

I don't think it was anything that you did.

 

She simply doesn't feel the same way, and my hunch is that she was trying to let you down nicely. Call her in a week, since you like her so much, to see how she's doing. You can ask for another date then. If the answer is no, then just move on to someone else. It was only one date. The click wasn't mutual. Disappointing no doubt, but it happens.

 

Here's the kicker though... she knows that it is okay to be direct with me. She said she was afraid to tell me that she was scared, but didn't know when or how to say it. Furthermore, she mentioned to me that if she is not interested in a guy and they treated on the first date, she would ask them out again and return the favor and tell them that it is not going to work after the meet. The reason she does this is because she doesn't want to feel that she owes the guy anything and so she wouldn't have a guilty conscience.

 

My point is she still owes me a second date to put me down lol. I really think I am on the back burner now until she has more time (whenever that will be).

 

Hmmm, what do you think with his additional info?

Edited February 23, 2013 by 5anta

[realisticbound]

Here's the kicker though... she knows that it is okay to be direct with me. She said she was afraid to tell me that she was scared, but didn't know when or how to say it. Furthermore, she mentioned to me that if she is not interested in a guy and they treated on the first date, she would ask them out again and return the favor and tell them that it is not going to work after the meet. The reason she does this is because she doesn't want to feel that she owes the guy anything and so she wouldn't have a guilty conscience.

 

My point is she still owes me a second date to put me down lol. I really think I am on the back burner now until she has more time (whenever that will be).

 

Hmmm, what do you think with his additional info?

 

I'm way too busy right now = She's just not that into you.

 

Sorry.

[Cutiepie1976]

Here's the kicker though... she knows that it is okay to be direct with me. She said she was afraid to tell me that she was scared, but didn't know when or how to say it. Furthermore, she mentioned to me that if she is not interested in a guy and they treated on the first date, she would ask them out again and return the favor and tell them that it is not going to work after the meet. The reason she does this is because she doesn't want to feel that she owes the guy anything and so she wouldn't have a guilty conscience.

 

My point is she still owes me a second date to put me down lol. I really think I am on the back burner now until she has more time (whenever that will be).

 

Hmmm, what do you think with his additional info?

 

Grasping at straws is never good...

 

Look, you did her a favor by supporting two of her charity activities. It's entirely possible she felt she "owed" you a favor after that. The date was your favor. The "I don't have time" and "thank you for your understanding" after her sundry excuses for not dating you again is her "this isn't going to work out" spiel. You think she's the best thing since sliced bread. She feels otherwise about you. That much is clear.

 

Just because you want her to be direct, doesn't mean she will take that approach with you. At the end of the day, refusing and coming up with excuses why she can't date you gives you your answer. Now she won't even communicate. The reality is that despite your repeated efforts, you aren't getting another date, and to get the first date took a fair struggle on YOUR part. You've been at this a month! She kept throwing up reasons why she couldn't date you. Unfortunately, she isn't enthused about this the way you are. Since you are so over the moon for her, give things a week, ask one more time, and then please drop it.

 

Just because a fish floating belly up doesn't wave a big sign telling you that it's dead, doesn't mean it's alive. Optimism and hope in the face of a reality that says otherwise is pretty pointless. Learn to accept the obvious signals you're given.

 

Going back to the OP, here are the facts:

• Lots of excuses to not date you from the very start.
  
• After you persist and support two of her charity projects, she finally acquiesces and agrees to "find time" for a date.
  
• Date is on Sunday, not a prime dating night (Friday or Saturday) further reinforcing that this is an obligation, not a romantic priority, for her.
  
• One month...one date...too stressed, too scared, too "mean" to you, too swamped with everything, just too overwhelmed with life in general, no time to possibly date you given all her extracurricular activities, etc.
  
• Thanks you for your understanding (read: f*** off and stop bothering me, but I'm way too nice to say this and hurt your feelings, so I'm hoping you take all the major hints you've been given)
  
• No communication unless you initiate, and even then it's pretty dead.
  

Chica just has zero interest and doesn't see you as an actual dating option for herself! It happens. Take a hint, cut your losses, and move on. Millions of others out there. It was a single date.

 

Yea so... I met a girl on Match about a month ago...I tried setting up a meet date, but I felt she was hesitant since she told me she tried a date with another guy she met on Match and wasn't impressed.

 

It wasn't until she asked me to help her on a project with a charity organization that she volunteers for that she finally conceded to set time aside to actually meet for a sit down dinner. Prior to that, she invited me to a charity event catering to students and that's where I met her for the first time. I'd have to admit that I almost fell for her instantly. Honestly, I haven't felt like that since my first ex and I dated a total of three people seriously...Her personality is just so remarkable and unique; She's very kind hearted, intelligent, outgoing, fun, adventurous, diligent, hard working, dedicated... almost any positive adjective and she was it. IMHO, i think she is one of a kind.

 

Anyways, we set up a dinner on a Sunday night after she got out of work...After that meeting, we texted more than we talk on the phone...Anyways, communication begins to dwindle. Something recently happened at school where a best friend ended up in the hospital and its really stressing her out. I don't know any of the details. That and combined with her work, school, and extracurricular activities she really doesn't have time for a relationship which I can understand. She told me I am caring for her so much that she is really scared and told me not to worry about her anymore. She then texts me an apology for being so mean to me and then tells me that she needs time and thanks me for my understanding. I haven't heard from her for almost a week. We are still friends on Facebook (if this matters at all).

 

I am putting in a little faith and I am going to wait it out to see what happens. I feel like a girl like her is 1 in a million. I felt like I won the lottery when I met her because the odds are so slim to meet someone decent. What are all your thoughts about this?

Edited February 23, 2013 by Cutiepie1976