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If you're the OW/OM: Have you ever been tempted to tell the cheaters spouse?

tulip80

By tulip80
in The Other Man / Woman

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tulip80 Member

tulip80

Posted
Posted (edited)

..or have you actually told them?

 

I'm the OW in an EA that I ended after over 4 months. I actually tried to end it several times and I was even disciplined about NOT reaching out to him.

 

We BOTH worked together (remotely) and have amazing spouses (obviously we need to work on the fireworks, but we're with good people.) Here's the best part...we have hundreds of mutual business network contacts... *sigh*

 

What bothers me is his lack of guilt. Actions speak louder than words and while my relationship with my man suffered and I told him a million times I was trying to save it..somehow he could fool around with me and go back to his girlfriend of 10 months and they have like the perfect relationship.

 

Makes me almost furious that he seems unaffected, displays little guilt or remorse and even keeps after me when I'm trying to do right. Thank God it didn't end up being a PA.

 

I just closed down shop on him today. I knew the time eventually would come. Tired of feeling sorry for him just because he's about to be taken to the drycleaner via his soon to be ex wife and his mom has cancer..Oh, btw..she passed away literally a week ago.

 

That was what kept me around...but I had to REALLY gather up the courage and I cannot believe it but of all times I left him in his time of mourning, but I had to remind myself that just because someone's mom passed, I don't deserve to be treated like this.

 

I cannot believe with the confidence, maturity and experience that I have in life that I ever allowed myself to slip into a pickle like this and I have to admit sometimes I hope his girlfriend cheats on him, finds out..or even hears it from me...but I realize these are unhealthy and negative feelings.

 

I only feel this way because he doesn't even seem to feel bad about it. He "just knows how to push things out of his head.." He's not cruel to me. He's that guy everyone thinks is classy and charming.. The "softie" and sweetheart..super laid back.

 

Anyway...if it didn't risk my relationship..I think even as much as it ISN'T like me to start drama or even care...after his persistence so many times and what seems to be a lack of remorse...I'd have gone and told his girlfriend by now.

 

Have any of you done this or been tempted to? How did that end up?

Edited by tulip80
Eggplant Established Member

Eggplant

Posted
Posted
Makes me almost furious that he seems unaffected, displays little guilt or remorse and even keeps after me when I'm trying to do right. Thank God it didn't end up being a PA.

 

1. You weren't physical? Maybe he thinks he didn't cross some line, albeit an erroneous belief.

 

2. Some people naturally don't feel guilt or remorse. If he is one of these, don't tell his partner anything because he's dangerous and you should get out. Sociopaths are charming and maybe 1-4% of the population.

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tulip80 Member

tulip80

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1. You weren't physical? Maybe he thinks he didn't cross some line, albeit an erroneous belief.

 

2. Some people naturally don't feel guilt or remorse. If he is one of these, don't tell his partner anything because he's dangerous and you should get out. Sociopaths are charming and maybe 1-4% of the population.

 

No...but it became EXTREMELY inappropriate via the use of erhmm..technology. Let's just say I can describe some things to his girl.

 

Not to mention..there was a lot of talk of babies...me being his Queen..etc.

 

Secondly...I'd almost think he's a sociopath vs. immature. Not sure what to make of it, but he's a sort of "soft" guy. I've made him cry with my words, before..and I know it killed him to do so.. So I *think* he has feelings..and he HAS said it was WRONG..but then said.."It is just over the internet right now, after all..."

 

He travels/works which is probably what kept it from becoming a PA. *sigh*

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

You seem to be putting his ALL on him when you, yourself are married or involved with someone. you say you 'both have amazing spouses..

 

He isn't going to show you any emotions if the A is over and he's moving on. You focusing on him so much isn't helping you work through this and get over him. Seems more of an ego hurt rather than a big heart hurt. ??

 

Also, not saying you will but IF you tell, better be prepared for it to come your way too. Meaning, you tell his gf/spouse, YOUR spouse will be told as well.

 

You both chose to cheat on your partners, neither of you is worse or better than the other. .. it's equal footing.

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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
Anyway...if it didn't risk my relationship..I think even as much as it ISN'T like me to start drama or even care...after his persistence so many times and what seems to be a lack of remorse...I'd have gone and told his girlfriend by now.

 

So you want him to suffer consquences as long as you don't? Sorry that's not fair either since each of you knew up front that there are spouses/partners involved. Do you show him remorse?

 

Is the A actually over? if it is, let go and just move on, don't look back. If you are still communicating with him, this will drag on for a very long time and you will be the one hurting, especially if he's just enjoying a cat/mouse game, ego trip.

 

Focus on affair proofing your relationship and yourself. Talk to your partner and reconnect with him. Obviously something is missing inside of you to allow yourself to get close to another man. Fix that so it won't happen again.

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spice4life Established Member

spice4life

Posted
Posted (edited)

I agree with WWIU. Why are you putting this all on him? You made a choice to get involved so you must accept responsibility for your actions. If you don't like being involved then you need to walk away and stop placing blame. Accept that YOU chose to cross the line and then do what you need to do to make it better for yourself. You can't control how he feels; you can only control you and your actions.

 

I always had terrible guilt, but I didn't say anything because having those kind of talks didn't seem to be allowed.

Edited by spice4life
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tulip80 Member

tulip80

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You seem to be putting his ALL on him when you, yourself are married or involved with someone. you say you 'both have amazing spouses..

 

He isn't going to show you any emotions if the A is over and he's moving on. You focusing on him so much isn't helping you work through this and get over him. Seems more of an ego hurt rather than a big heart hurt. ??

 

Also, not saying you will but IF you tell, better be prepared for it to come your way too. Meaning, you tell his gf/spouse, YOUR spouse will be told as well.

 

You both chose to cheat on your partners, neither of you is worse or better than the other. .. it's equal footing.

 

Not at all..I cried pretty early into this telling him I wanted to stop. He admitted it was his fault as he had chased me very persistently but I told him regardless..I'm an adult woman and knew better. I knew very early on I was wrong and told him I wanted to do right.

 

I was weak & human, but believe me...I paid my karma with the pain. I also found out that this has nothing to do with our spouses and everything to do with us. Although he says we are attracted because we are "so goodlooking", I think we both are insecure. I can say as I confident as I THOUGHT I was, I must not have been or else I'd have lasted longer than 2 months warding him off and never broke.

 

:(

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tulip80 Member

tulip80

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So you want him to suffer consquences as long as you don't? Sorry that's not fair either since each of you knew up front that there are spouses/partners involved. Do you show him remorse?

 

Is the A actually over? if it is, let go and just move on, don't look back. If you are still communicating with him, this will drag on for a very long time and you will be the one hurting, especially if he's just enjoying a cat/mouse game, ego trip.

 

Focus on affair proofing your relationship and yourself. Talk to your partner and reconnect with him. Obviously something is missing inside of you to allow yourself to get close to another man. Fix that so it won't happen again.

 

 

No was just speaking figuratively. Just a thought of anger because DURING it all he showed no remorse. He's hurting bad now that I stopped it but didn't give a crap during and that upset me because he saw me cry so many times and I begged him not to contact me and give me space (because I was obviously weak).

 

But you're right...it made me realize something was missing inside of me..and I cut off all ties with him (JUST TODAY) because I need to do some inner work and I want to reconnect with my man. He deserves better than this. I'm very ashamed and swore that I never in a million years would have gotten into a situation like this. Although it never became physical, it feels even worse..

 

I'm also disconnecting my cell phone in a few days. I know that seems extreme, but the validation I was receiving/giving from/to this man I think became unhealthily addictive and right now I still feel sorry for him and I keep forgetting how nonchalant he was with me.

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tulip80 Member

tulip80

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I agree with WWIU. Why are you putting this all on him? You made a choice to get involved so you must accept responsibility for your actions. If you don't like being involved then you need to walk away and stop placing blame. Accept that YOU chose to cross the line and then do what you need to do to make it better for yourself. You can't control how he feels; you can only control you and your actions.

 

I always had terrible guilt, but I didn't say anything because having those kind of talks didn't seem to be allowed.

 

 

I did walk away. I tried several times before and even discontinued business projects we were working on but he'd always come back...asking about "work related" stuff and it always turned back into the same routine.

 

Today, I officially walked away. I told him I never want to hear from him again..never want us to have contact...that I'd delete anything he sends me..and that I'm over this and want to move on with my life and suggest he does the same with his.

 

Timing was horrible as his mom died last week...but I think I just reached my breaking point. I used to cry to him telling him how bad I felt for HIS girl and my guy...and he didn't even seem to comprehend that.

 

The power of the almighty penis, I guess.

 

But no...definitely don't place the blame on him. Mad I gave in and not proud with my actions. The guilt has consumed me for months.

  • Like 1
wisernow Established Member

wisernow

Posted
Posted (edited)

Instead of worrying about telling his spouse/girlfriend, why don't you just take care of your house and tell yours.

 

You seem to put a lot of focus on him and his relationship. What about your partner (the one you profess to have guilt about). Doesn't he deserve to know what you've been up to?

 

Personally, I'd start there.

 

It takes two, and unless you're a minor, you're not a victim, rather a volunteer.

Edited by wisernow
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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

But you're right...it made me realize something was missing inside of me..and I cut off all ties with him (JUST TODAY) because I need to do some inner work and I want to reconnect with my man. He deserves better than this. I'm very ashamed and swore that I never in a million years would have gotten into a situation like this. Although it never became physical, it feels even worse..

Do some counseling, work on you. Gain strength, gain self confidence. Know you do not need ANYBODY else to validate you, make you feel good about you, not some selfish schmuck who is so caught up in fantasy and games. Forget him. Most of what you felt was how he made you feel, it really wasn't about 'him' and truly caring about him, loving him.. He made you feel special and desired, sexy and hot - Emotionally, though it didn't go physical, it's still dangerous.

 

Do so. And tell him that you had a crush on someone and almost cheated on him. It might wake him up, enough to realize that you BOTH have to put effort in together to make the R good and exciting. Reconnecting, communicating and not letting things get stale, that day - day out routine is boring.

 

 

I'm also disconnecting my cell phone in a few days. I know that seems extreme, but the validation I was receiving/giving from/to this man I think became unhealthily addictive and right now I still feel sorry for him and I keep forgetting how nonchalant he was with me.

 

Not extreme at all. You want it over and want him out of your life? Then do all that is necessary to keep him away from you, so it means changing your number, blocking his email etc, do it!!

 

Do not feel sorry for him. He is a grown man who knew exactly what he was doing. He only cares about himself and his big fat head(s) and ego.

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tulip80 Member

tulip80

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Do some counseling, work on you. Gain strength, gain self confidence. Know you do not need ANYBODY else to validate you, make you feel good about you, not some selfish schmuck who is so caught up in fantasy and games. Forget him. Most of what you felt was how he made you feel, it really wasn't about 'him' and truly caring about him, loving him.. He made you feel special and desired, sexy and hot - Emotionally, though it didn't go physical, it's still dangerous.

 

Do so. And tell him that you had a crush on someone and almost cheated on him. It might wake him up, enough to realize that you BOTH have to put effort in together to make the R good and exciting. Reconnecting, communicating and not letting things get stale, that day - day out routine is boring.

 

 

 

 

Not extreme at all. You want it over and want him out of your life? Then do all that is necessary to keep him away from you, so it means changing your number, blocking his email etc, do it!!

 

Do not feel sorry for him. He is a grown man who knew exactly what he was doing. He only cares about himself and his big fat head(s) and ego.

 

 

Thanks for this. You're right. It was just flattering to be wanted so bad. Gosh..that sounds so pathetic as I type it. Also..yes..just like I'm an adult..he is, too..not sure why I feel so bad for him. Probably a lot to do with his mom dying last week from cancer :(

 

Lastly...my guy actually did try to put in effort to our relationship...This is all my fault..which is why I'm on the fence telling him I almost cheated. I feel that'd be the ultimate slap in the face to him and just relieve MY own guilt.

 

It took a while for me to realize that *I* was the one that had actually neglected our relationship.

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