Is it possible for me to get my ex-girlfriend back?

[fungusamungus]

That doesn't mean she won't try to reconcile later...

 

NEWS UPDATE:

She sent me this message on Facebook -

"tyler this is trista... i was wondering if u wuld email me or... somthin... i seen u posted sumthin about revenge,, i hope u dont hate me now... im really happy to see u hav a date friday... shes lucky and u deserve a great person... i just think it wuld be great to every now and again keep up on eachother... if not its okay i do understand,, i just really hope u dnt hate me now.. i hope u never hate me... im tryin my best to not say anything i shuldnt so at least message me back on here sayin no,,, oor... smthin,,, im sorry... il check my email regularly,,, i geuss i just,,, miss you... jst plz at least message back even if u say no."

 

I think she's finally starting to realize that I'm moving on and I think she's started to regret her decision. I did call her on the phone and I told her until she realizes what she wants FOR SURE, then she needs to leave me alone, and she agreed. I feel bad because I left her on the phone crying, but she did this to ME. Think she'll end up figuring out what she wants for sure, sooner rather than later, now?

Nothing in that email indicates that she's regretting her decision right now. That message translated...

 

"I'm glad you're moving on and I want you to be happy because that takes the burden of guilt off of me. I hope you don't hate me because that takes the burden of guilt off of me. I miss having you around to talk to, but I don't want to say anything more because I don't want to lead you on."

 

You continue to ignore the big picture here and probably the reason WHY she broke up with you in the first place. You depend on her for your own happiness. Girls (well... ones who are not control freaks) DO NOT want the burden of being a man's sole source of happiness. It puts pressure on them and it makes them feel suffocated. You add that pressure, to the pressure of commitment in an engagement, with a girl who is, for all intents and purposes, basically still a kid who has never really had a chance to really figure out what she wants... that is probably why she broke up with you. She never had the chance to see what else was out there, not only was she not single, but you were around and with her 24/7 (which you even say so yourself).

Think she'll end up figuring out what she wants for sure, sooner rather than later, now?

By... "figuring out what she wants..." you basically mean "when she figures out that she wants me back". You are basically operating under the assumption right now that she wants you back and just doesn't know it and you want someone to reassure you that this is the case.

 

This is neediness. The fact that you need this reassurance from other people shows it. The fact that your life and happiness revolves around her shows it. And even if she DID come back (which, right now, would be out of nothing except for fear and loneliness, not love), it is bound to fall apart again until you can actually learn how to take care of yourself, make yourself happy and not have your life revolve around her.

 

Do you wonder why everyone is telling you to focus on taking care of yourself? So that IF she comes back, you can actually avoid falling into the same trap again, and so that IF she doesn't, you won't make the same mistakes with the next girl that you get involved with.

[TylerKing]

Nothing in that email indicates that she's regretting her decision right now. That message translated...

 

"I'm glad you're moving on and I want you to be happy because that takes the burden of guilt off of me. I hope you don't hate me because that takes the burden of guilt off of me. I miss having you around to talk to, but I don't want to say anything more because I don't want to lead you on."

 

You continue to ignore the big picture here and probably the reason WHY she broke up with you in the first place. You depend on her for your own happiness. Girls (well... ones who are not control freaks) DO NOT want the burden of being a man's sole source of happiness. It puts pressure on them and it makes them feel suffocated. You add that pressure, to the pressure of commitment in an engagement, with a girl who is, for all intents and purposes, basically still a kid who has never really had a chance to really figure out what she wants... that is probably why she broke up with you. She never had the chance to see what else was out there, not only was she not single, but you were around and with her 24/7 (which you even say so yourself).

By... "figuring out what she wants..." you basically mean "when she figures out that she wants me back". You are basically operating under the assumption right now that she wants you back and just doesn't know it and you want someone to reassure you that this is the case.

 

This is neediness. The fact that you need this reassurance from other people shows it. The fact that your life and happiness revolves around her shows it. And even if she DID come back (which, right now, would be out of nothing except for fear and loneliness, not love), it is bound to fall apart again until you can actually learn how to take care of yourself, make yourself happy and not have your life revolve around her.

 

Do you wonder why everyone is telling you to focus on taking care of yourself? So that IF she comes back, you can actually avoid falling into the same trap again, and so that IF she doesn't, you won't make the same mistakes with the next girl that you get involved with.

 

I honestly do understand where you're coming from, and it's not that I'm looking at you guys for reassurance. I'm looking at you guys for HELP because I'm just as confused as my ex girlfriend is, because I'm continously getting mixed signals from her, and I just want to know what they may possibly mean... That's all.

 

And you say she's not interested in me anymore, but I DID talk to her on the phone right after she sent me that message on Facebook, and I clearly asked her what she wanted and she told me that she didn't know, she was confused. She told me she wanted me to change, and I told her that all I've been doing since we broke up, was change for her...

 

And then she told me how she wanted to "get to know me again" so we could become friends, and EVENTUALLY start dating. But I told her that as long as she was involved with Ric, I didn't want to talk to her, and I told her not to contact me until she was 110% sure what she wanted.

 

It's clear to me that she is not entirely over me. Not just the fact that she ADMITTED to me that she was confused and didn't know, but the fact that she was crying on the phone... The fact that she said she misses me... The fact that she is constantly spying on me on Facebook... The fact that she SEEMS to be focusing on me more than her relationship with Ric. (I see them at work, and she DOES NOT look geniunely happy with him at all whatsoever.) She looks terrible about the breakup, she really does.

 

THIS is ALL why I'm so CONFUSED, and THIS is why I'm asking you guys for answers. Not because I am needy and dependent on her. Granted, I probably am, and I AM trying to work on that... But I have more reasons than just that, as to why I'm asking you guys for answers. It's sheer confusion on my part.

[PogoStick]

She may feel a certain sadness for ending the relationship, but she's not regretting the decision. Those are very different things.

 

How long until you finally accept what everyone else is trying to tell you?

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't think she's nearly as confused about her relationship with you as you think she is. I agree with PogoStick in that she's sad that the relationship with you died because she invested a lot of time into it, but that doesn't mean she wants you back, especially at this point. I think you are projecting what you want her to feel onto her. And you need to make changes for you, not for her. It was your over-reliance on her that caused this to go south in the first place.

[TylerKing]

Did you guys not read what I posted? When I talked to her on the phone, she ADMITTED to me that she was CONFUSED about what she wanted.

[Simon Phoenix]

Did you guys not read what I posted? When I talked to her on the phone, she ADMITTED to me that she was CONFUSED about what she wanted.

 

Yes, and we are telling you that that sentiment might not be accurate. That she could be telling you what you want to hear. People do that, especially if they are feeling stressed and pressured. And even if she is highly confused, that doesn't necessarily mean that going back with you is a top option.

[JamesDen]

Hey Tyler, I just want you to know I'm in pretty much the same situation you are. Like the details almost match up perfectly but my situation may be a little bit more rough. My girlfriend actually left me for a friend of mine that she cheated on me with. She however thinks she loves him and hasn't said for sure that there is potential between us even though it seems like she does still want to be with me. If you want me to I can go into details of mine to show you how similar our situations are. Mine left me the day before Valentines day and I was crushed. I'm looking to get her back and was searching for answers too. Reading this and realizing someone has the same problems im kinda slapping myself trying to figure out what I was thinking lol. I went no NC for maybe 4 days so far and I've started working on myself not that i realky did anything wrong to this girl. I gave her the world and was always there for her and never expected this even after she cheated on me with him. The best piece of advice I've found is that the hungry dog doesnt get fed. If a nasty starving dog shows up on your porch you think eww and you dont dont want it. But if an amazingly healthy, good looking cool dog shows up you would take it in. Focus on yourself right now and act like you don't care about making you two work. I was scared that if I didn't make it apparent that I would be by her side waiting that i would lose her. But now that I'm focused on myself some and making her think i really dont care about getting back with her and that I'm over it she's starting to seem interested again. Now of course im not far into this so i dont know the end story to this but I do promise I feel better than ever and that I feel like im actually making progress. Reading this made me really think hard about it because I have the potential to date another girl right now that would prpbably be so much better for me but I can settle with so much less if I have the girl I love. So honestly I would say back off and make her think she cant keep you around as an option because ive realized thats what both of our women are doing. They're both in a new flame in a new relationship and want us to fall back on. If we take that away or make them think that were moving on then they have to make a move soon if we are what they want. Every time I've seen my ex since the break up I've treated her better than i did when we first met but in a natural way and not overdoing it. I've only seen her three times and her mother is even on my side. So my advice that I know has helped me is to step back and work on making yourself better if you can and it will give you some relief from the situation. Plus her seeing you improving is going to be attractive plus it is you changing for the better. It might be what brings her around. This is ky first post and im glad I came acrooss this forum and if you want to text to help each other out let me know. Sorry this post Is so horrible because it's on my phone and it's lagging a bit. Honestly readong this thread and seeig everything here is probably the most helpful thing I've had yet besides what I've told you. Best of luck and I'm going to try to keep an eye on this if you don't want to message me or anything because we may be able to help each other. I wish the best and I hope you take the step I did.

[OSCAR_BUSTOS21]

I'm not a big fan of nc but do it, jesus this situation is awful. Two people in your life who you should be able to depend on have betrayed you. Get nc, stay nc and if anything happens, which I wouldn't rule out then your in the driving seat. Mind I must admit I'd go no where near this young lady, shes a femme fatale. You young and you'll have many a relationship in your lifetime, in ten years you'll look back at this and say I couldn't care a less, I'm with someone decent now. I promise.

[PogoStick]

No no no Tyler doesn't want you to tell him that.

[TylerKing]

Ok so one of my friends from work (a female friend) sat down last night at work and talked with my ex. My ex admitted that she still had feelings for me and that the reason she is confused is because I keep telling my ex that I've changed/will change for her, which is something "I've never told her while we were dating".

 

Anyway, my ex also told my friend that although Ric was a great guy, she didn't have any real feelings for him, and admitted that the only reason she is/was with him, is because she doesn't want to be alone while she is trying to figure things out... Which tbh, doesn't make any sense to me, but whatever.

 

Anyway, I think things are looking up for me... right?

[Simon Phoenix]

Ok so one of my friends from work (a female friend) sat down last night at work and talked with my ex. My ex admitted that she still had feelings for me and that the reason she is confused is because I keep telling my ex that I've changed/will change for her, which is something "I've never told her while we were dating".

 

Anyway, my ex also told my friend that although Ric was a great guy, she didn't have any real feelings for him, and admitted that the only reason she is/was with him, is because she doesn't want to be alone while she is trying to figure things out... Which tbh, doesn't make any sense to me, but whatever.

 

Anyway, I think things are looking up for me... right?

 

Hard to tell. Exes say stuff like that all the time, doesn't necessarily mean anything. That being said, don't talk about the changes you are making -- go and do them. That will do a lot more to help your cause then any conversation with your ex or your ex's friends will do. Talk is cheap -- it's how you act that will point you in the right direction.

[Kaster21]

You're 22 years old, you've effectively spent your entire (very brief) adult life in a serious relationship. If she was a freshman when you were a senior, then she is around 19 and essentially still a kid who is trying to figure things out.

 

Try your best to move on. Go out, date other women. You're 22 years old, you don't even realize what is out there. Take the time to be single and if you feel like you cannot function without her, then pick up a hobby and learn how to make yourself happy. Dependency is not healthy and shows a lack of independence.

 

Remove her FB, block her number, etc. etc. whatever you need to move on with your life. Letting her keep you around is not healthy for you right now.

 

I have to say I strongly agree. She's taking advantage of your feelings and that's not cool!

[Kaster21]

This sounds like a classic case of pure manipulation.

[TylerKing]

My ex and I have been talking back and forth... I found out from one of my friends at work, that my ex has been telling her that she "thinks" she wants to give me another chance... So I asked my ex if her and I could talk. We talked and I told her everything about myself that I was/wanted to change for her. And she admitted to me that the guy she is with is in fact a rebound and that she has no genuine feelings for him. She told me she was going to break the lease on the apartment, and THEN she was going to break up with her rebound, and then move back in with her parents and stay SINGLE. Then me and her were going to start talking again, rebuilding our relationship back up, we were going to take things slow.

 

Well everything seemed excellent. Yesterday, my ex and I went to the apartments to break our lease. We signed off on it, but the manager told my ex that she would also have to pay 2 extra months rent, which she was hoping she would be able to get out of. Well now the lease is over in May instead of August. I asked my ex if I could get a loan from the bank to help her pay off the next 2 months so she could break it off with her rebound, but she told me no... She wanted to stay with her rebound until the lease was up in May. I asked her why and she told me it's because he didn't do anything wrong to her and she didn't want to hurt him... But yet, isn't she going to hurt him even more when she breaks up with him later on down the road?

 

This just doesn't make sense to me at all! Now my ex is telling me that she's confused again... WTF is going on? Should I officially drop everything and go no contact now? I'm tired of her being confused, and her playing head games with me. I know she's not doing it intentionally, but it hurts so much.

 

Overall, with the update I gave, is it STILL possible for me to get her back?

[Simon Phoenix]

Doesn't sound good right now. Until she completely rids herself of the rebound, there's nothing you can do and you sticking around doesn't really help things out. And you don't need to be paying her rent -- that isn't remotely attractive. You need to back away and let her head clear and let your head clear. She's confused as most would be in this situation, and you pressuring her (being involved with her dealings with her landlord is pressure) isn't helping at all. Back off. If and when she leaves the other guy, then reevaluate.

[TylerKing]

Doesn't sound good right now. Until she completely rids herself of the rebound, there's nothing you can do and you sticking around doesn't really help things out. And you don't need to be paying her rent -- that isn't remotely attractive. You need to back away and let her head clear and let your head clear. She's confused as most would be in this situation, and you pressuring her (being involved with her dealings with her landlord is pressure) isn't helping at all. Back off. If and when she leaves the other guy, then reevaluate.

 

I understand that, but we originally shared that apartment together, and both of our names are on that lease. I told her I would help her because I felt responsible for breaking the lease as well, considering my name was on it after all, guess I was just trying to be nice. And I guess I got wrapped up in the confusion as well, especially that she told me she was going to break up with him and we would start talking again and take things slow. Ah, I hope she clears her head soon. So if I completely back off and stay away from her, do you think she will finally realize what she wants?

[fungusamungus]

My ex and I have been talking back and forth... I found out from one of my friends at work, that my ex has been telling her that she "thinks" she wants to give me another chance... So I asked my ex if her and I could talk. We talked and I told her everything about myself that I was/wanted to change for her. And she admitted to me that the guy she is with is in fact a rebound and that she has no genuine feelings for him. She told me she was going to break the lease on the apartment, and THEN she was going to break up with her rebound, and then move back in with her parents and stay SINGLE. Then me and her were going to start talking again, rebuilding our relationship back up, we were going to take things slow.

 

Well everything seemed excellent. Yesterday, my ex and I went to the apartments to break our lease. We signed off on it, but the manager told my ex that she would also have to pay 2 extra months rent, which she was hoping she would be able to get out of. Well now the lease is over in May instead of August. I asked my ex if I could get a loan from the bank to help her pay off the next 2 months so she could break it off with her rebound, but she told me no... She wanted to stay with her rebound until the lease was up in May. I asked her why and she told me it's because he didn't do anything wrong to her and she didn't want to hurt him... But yet, isn't she going to hurt him even more when she breaks up with him later on down the road?

 

This just doesn't make sense to me at all! Now my ex is telling me that she's confused again... WTF is going on? Should I officially drop everything and go no contact now? I'm tired of her being confused, and her playing head games with me. I know she's not doing it intentionally, but it hurts so much.

 

Overall, with the update I gave, is it STILL possible for me to get her back?

No, you're not going to get her back. You're too needy and desperate. She has absolutely ZERO respect for you, why would she come back to you? The only reason she would if she had so little self-respect for herself right now, that she did so because she had no other choice. And that is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

Stop acting like you have any interest in her rebounds feelings, how he feels would be the last thing on your mind if she were to dump him. You're trying to push her along and pressure her into doing so. Taking out a loan (ie. money that you DON'T HAVE) to pay HER rent? Are you kidding me? Your name is also on the lease? SO WHAT? Your name was on the lease when you moved out and she moved her new ****buddy into YOUR place. Please, at least tell me you weren't paying HIS rent.

 

So, are you going to get her back? No. Not until you grow a backbone. What makes you think that being a desperate, needy, doormat is endearing yourself to her? Women do not date men that they do not respect. What makes you think that your case is different? Because of all you guys went through? Guess what, all that was there when she dumped you, so that tells you how much that stuff matters. You know what the best chance of getting her back is? Have some self-respect. And maybe... just maybe, she might regain some respect for you again.

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand that, but we originally shared that apartment together, and both of our names are on that lease. I told her I would help her because I felt responsible for breaking the lease as well, considering my name was on it after all, guess I was just trying to be nice. And I guess I got wrapped up in the confusion as well, especially that she told me she was going to break up with him and we would start talking again and take things slow. Ah, I hope she clears her head soon. So if I completely back off and stay away from her, do you think she will finally realize what she wants?

 

She might realize what she wants, and it might not be you. And with how you are acting, you are basically guaranteeing that it won't be you. You need to back off and let her breathe. And you need to breathe. Let her settle stuff out with this guy WITHOUT YOUR INTERFERENCE. And do not offer to pay for anything ever again.