TailSpin75 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 So I'm 11 weeks in since divorce was declared by STBXW. Not living together since day after Christmas when I moved out after 17 years of marriage - high school sweethearts. No hatred between us - she just didn't have 'those feelings' for me anymore. I truly thought we were happy but she was just acting the part (convincingly). She is hurt that I hurt but despite my best efforts she is already gone. We last met Feb 1st (only 2nd time I saw her since moving out - 20 minutes to hash out divorce details (she filed Feb 6th - paper reflect our agreement precisely). We spent 9 hours together that day, mourning the loss of a relationship I wanted to keep so bad. When I left that day I asked that she not contact me until I no longer had 'those feelings' for her. She said she would only email me updates of the divorce as she knew I would not attend any hearings (non contested divorce). I'm aware I am early in the process - and the journey is long. Many reading this will know all too well the ebb and flow of emotions that have become my life. That raging war betweenwhat my mind already accepts as truth and what my heart is unwill to let go. My journal (and my body) are the battlefields upon which this war unfolds. This (and other forums) provide amazing insight from past experiences. I do my best to heed the advice of those who survived such wars and to learn of the wisdom they gained. No Contact is an amazing test of resistence and will power, but has proven beneficial even this early in the process. Temptation is still there but that 'need' to contact is fading to a persistent 'want'. Oh my God - the feelings... they truly are horrible. But as advised... none are wrong - so I let them come and go. When I was seeing a therapist he asked if I was ever happy before. I said, 'Yes, there were times when I was happy'. He asked if I was happy now, to which I said, 'No, not at all'. He replied, 'And these feeling too won't last forever. They always come and go'. I have learned to not dwell - to not grab one of the thousand thoughts racing through my mind at any given moment and ponder it too long. I have a million questions (how, why, what if) none will change the situation (as I know I did all I could to save the marriage already) and likely the answers will only bring more pain. Those questions too - are turning from 'need to know' to 'want to know'. Their persistence is diminishing. Finally and most recently - I think I'm learning to let go (a post I put up earlier this week as a question). Moving forward must be letting go. Where once thoughts of her permeiated my every thought, she is there only half the time. (There are moments when she dominates - but it's not the norm). Increasingly the thoughts are of me, the 'new' life (which I still do not want), and what is my plan (a constantly evolving list in which she has no part). This whole experience has destroyed me - I am a man of living flesh but feel that I carry death inside me. I find myself (at times) absolutely shocked that 'this' is my life. It's as though I woke up in someone else's life and now I must learn to live it. But the most valuable thingI have learned in these forums is that there is an end to the journey - that the war (when fought properly) ends with peace. An ending still so far for me that I can only see it in my dreams. Even as I write this - I grieve, wiping the tears from my eye - understanding that I have lost a relationship that had tremendous value to me but knowing that I will be okay. Thanks to all who have found peace and took the time to share their experiences and their wisdom. Thank you for offering comfort to those of us who were forsaken by the one we loved and trusted. And thank you for the encouragement that puts the wind our sails.
Recommended Posts