dazednconfuse Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Hi all.... So here is my story... I was best friends with my ex for 8 years and we always had other gfs (yes, I am a lesbian). We were super tight and really knew each other and always had a connection..just timing was never right. Then we both ended other relationships and started dating...we dating for 2 years and it was awesome. I mean...how cool is it to be with your best friend. I always held back as I was working thru the whole gay thing...and on top of that in the Summer 2012 I was coping with my Mother fighting breast cancer. I no longer showed her attention and it didnt take long for her to happen to meet someone she saw a connection with...so, she left me for another woman. I was a **** so took all the blame. But she is the one. I did all the dumb ****...cried/begged. She got in deep very fast with the other woman and keep LC with me. She had a blast at first and I was a mess. After a few months she realized the other woman wasnt as great as she thought...very very controlling and possesive. She then started trying harder with me as far as contact. Then in October started to say she knows I am the one she wants and then started breaking it off with other woman...who wasnt accepting it. My ex was telling me she was trying and it took time for things to 'settle' as she had commitments to work out with her gf. Finally in December she said they are not gf but the other will not go away. My ex says shes wants a redo...at least 20 times....and that I get her and we fit...the other woman was never a friend. My ex'es 'ex' is in a line of work that allows her to be 'BIG brother'. She my ex was afraid of being tracked etc..never understood why. My ex says she loves me/misses me but isnt ready and doesnt want pressure...but it pisses me off that she ended so easy with me..love of her life...but is allowing her ex to string her along. I have tried for months being the supportive and understanding one...but I am suffering...mind races...what is she doing....who is she with...etc. I finally cracked yesterday as she accused me of being manipulative and I said dont project her exes crap on me...then I said maybe she needs time away from me to think about things...she said she would take that time and let me know. Then today....more dumb nonsense texts...'how is weather' etc. But, no answer to time question.... What do I do...she dumped me in July and was with other...then by Oct she told me she wanted a redo....then said it Nov-Dec-Jan....Feb she has been a very talkative....lots of talk but not much action for the redo... Is she really confused or playing games with me....
Kengne Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 It's going on over 6 months you have been broken up with your ex gf, she's in some weird love triangle w/ her OTHER ex gf, and you are waiting by the sidelines for her to start you in the game. She may be confused.. and yes she IS playing games with you. Maybe not intentionally but games none the less. You already called it out - she is doing a LOT OF TALK about 'getting back together' but not WALKING THE WALK. Talk, with no Action = Talking Shyt. Stop accepting her breadcrumbs. Yes she may be the love of your life & vice versa but so what? She is keeping you close by - ON THE SIDELINES - but not upfront close & personal. You are no longer in a gf/gf relationship. Her being in contact with you benefits her - you have nothing to show for it except more heartache/pain - and you are nowhere close to being "healed' or moved on. Stop holding onto hope. It's been 6 months - the time for hope is DONE, DEAD & LONG GONE. It's time to GET REAL, get it together, LET GO and MOVE ON. It doesn't matter what excuses she gives you for not being back together with you - the FACT is, you are NOT back together and I don't think it will change in the near future. Accept this, and start NC. If you are 100% out of her life... you will heal/move on for sure... she may or may not miss you, but that's not the point of NC. The point of NC is to get over your ex and MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. She has done so. You need to get selfish, QUICK, and do the same. K.
Author dazednconfuse Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 K, thanks for tough love. I agree with you..and actually started NC today. But here is the thing...I know she misses me...and has sat around at home thinking and trying to get herself back as she changed a lot for the other girl...that change never lasts and always causes issues...which it clearly has... But, I know...why does she keep both on the line...I mean..how hard is it to dump someone no matter the consequences, right? I am losing hope she will actually do a redo...I think NC will help force her hand...to go back to other girl or actually do something to try with me...
Kengne Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Dazed, YW for the tough love. And here is more for you. Why would she keep both of you on the line? The same reason people would choose $100 over $10 - it's human nature to want, gather, collect, keep MORE. Why choose less, when you could have MORE? She is indecisive, greedy and wants MORE. In this instance more dating options/prospects open to her, so when she is ready to make a choice she can do so at her leisure *and at YOUR expense*. She is acting in her own self interest. And you have taken the first step towards acting in YOUR self interest by going NC. And the point of NC is not to "force her hand" - it's for YOU to MOVE ON, regardless of whatever decision she makes down the road. If you move on and she comes back and you want her, fine so be it. If you move on and she comes back and you DONT want her, fine so be it. If you move on and she NEVER comes back, fine so be it. NO MATTER WHAT - the constant is you WILL MOVE ON and BE FINE - with or without her! You MUST. You have no control over what she does, only you. So focus on that - YOU. PS> remember that every day she misses you - SHE IS CHOOSING TO MISS YOU - by not running up to you & GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU. So yes it might feel good or give you false hope she misses you - but that is HER CHOICE, every single day. Every single day it serves her purposes to NOT be with you 100% and CONTINUE to string you along. She is being very selfish. Don't allow her to do that ON YOUR TIME. Move ON. Give up the hope and LOOK AT WHAT IS GOING ON. 1
Author dazednconfuse Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Yep. sigh. For months she was really pouring on the I want you back thing...about 3 weeks ago it stopped....just that she couldnt stand the fact that I may not be in her life. I told her there is no way I would be just her friend..no way. She is like an emotional vampire....coming to me for comfort and fun chat when the other girl is hounding her they can change and work their issues out..... She said she doesnt care if the other was ever angry with her but she cant stand the thought of me angry. Oh, and the 2 times over the 6 months I lost it and told her to go live her life and stop ****ing me over she came back with a hard sell....it does really affect her to know I may be out of her life....wont NC make her really see what life is like without me?
Author dazednconfuse Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 One more thing...you are really going to smack me... Yesterday was the day I told her that the talk **** was dumb and that maybe time is btr without me in it....she got pissed....said I was controlling her...whatever...I said she was like a plane circling airport and I was co pilot trying to help her move on to 'SOMETHING' versus being a mess...which she is... Today she instant messaged me 3 times...she actually just did while typing this...only to ask dumb questions about weather.... I knwo she cares. I know she cant stand the thought of me walking...but I also know she is treating me unfair and being selfish....and I am suffering.... oh, BTW...I didnt answer any messages...
Author dazednconfuse Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Update-i went out last night with friends. She called an left message. Then texted later that night to say i should call her back. Then she texted this morning..."good morning :)". Wtf is that? I didnt reply to anything. I think she made a point to show she was at home all alone on a friday. As some big indicator her and ex arent hanging. We all know some of that is true...her ex is getn on her nerves also or the ex had some kid activity and my ex didnt want to go. I know NC is for me. But it gives her time to imagine her life without me...and we have been close for 10 years. Feels good to vent...keeps me from bugging my non virtual friends or answering her calls.
TaraMaiden Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Keep venting, keep venting..... Have you read the No Contact Guide in my signature? It's really sobering reading..... You need to 'brush up on your NC skills'.... and you need to stop her texting you. The NC Guide tells you how.....
Author dazednconfuse Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Thanks, I read the article and it was very helpful. But here is the deal...my ex is no longer in that fun rebound she had to get past me. Her ex is bugging the **** out of her..she was telling that I was doing everything right by being supportive while the other continued to show her possessive ways. She acknowledged the issues I had I worked through and she would love to try again. Since I finally asked her if maybe she needed time to get her **** together without distraction from me...she was supposed to 'let me know'. Since then (couple of days) she has been texting and calling dumb talk and hasnt acknowledged the needing time away question. Finally today I get the text saying that she guesses I am avoiding and that she will stop bugging me. I do want her back...she has said the 180 words many times...but didnt follow through. What, if any, words do I reply? I dont want her to go away if she is thinking she still wants me....
TaraMaiden Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 If she really, really wants to do the 180, she will find a way of letting you know. Actions. Actions, dear friend, speak much louder than words. She can 'say' what she says all she likes. Until she demonstrates through her actions that this is set to go - stay No Contact. Look at it this way - if the boot was on the other foot - what measures would YOU take to convince her you were serious in your intentions? Think. Then expect her to do no less. 1
Author dazednconfuse Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 You are right. I had told her that before and she would amp some things up but not completely. Actions. An hour after that "guess ur avoiding me and ill leave u b" text...she texted she wishes we were at beach. Shes an idiot. I know she will regret losing her best friend and perfect fit.
Author dazednconfuse Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 Update... OK, so she texted again Sun morning.....said 'hey, i miss coffee talk'. That pissed me off and I broke NC to text 'you could have had coffee talk for the rest of your life. have a great weekend.' She texted 'actually, i did not have a good weekend. I thought about you and us at the beach last weekend..this weekend. but hey, I see your past tense so your message is clear. Then an hour later she starts a new words with friends game. She calls, I answer. She said, I havent heard from you for days. What have you been up to...I was vague. She said she didnt do anything all weekend.I was busy at home and made a bunch of noise while talking to her...she started saying something about how she thought about the beach weekend....but never said what she thought about....and then we hung up. Why would a person mope when its clear I am on her mind constantly? And she could have fixed us...I wonder if her ex messed her up? Go back to NC again? Thanks.
Author dazednconfuse Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 Update - She ended up calling and I asked her whether she needed the break I asked for so she can clear her head....as she never actually answered and only talked dumb friend stuff...she said...of course I dont want you to be out of my life...... Then I said more to be more blunt...that she should take a few days to think about life without me....or life giving us another try...and let me know in a few days....I told her I wanted another chance...and can no longer be the friend.....as it is preventing me from moving on...so please just let me go if she doesnt want to actually try. I heard nothing that day which is good...assumed she was thinking. Then today..she plays word game..nudges me...then sends texts about her lunch with a mutual friend.....who is pregnant....then sends an instant message and asks if I want to web cam with them....I ignore all of this.... Then tonight....she calls...I answered as I expected her to give answer....she just talks about her day....thats it! WTF.... What do I tell her....I dont want to be a dick or push her away if she may decide to try...but she isnt acknowledging that I need her to decide what the hell she wants from me..... Please advise.....
grace777 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Ugh, lesbians...so full of complicated feelings and drama (I am one too, btw). It seems even harder, for some reason, to just cut ties and let go. So you were friends for years and then dated for two, then it fell apart...I think I got that right. From your posts, she seems to keep saying that she's afraid to lose you completely in her life. I don't see her trying to have you as a girlfriend, just trying to keep you around. When my ex gf and I broke up, she said the same thing - that she was terrified of losing me from her life. So what you need to find out from her is whether or not she wants you as a girlfriend, or whether she just wants to be friends. At this point, from what I've read, it seems that she just wants your friendship. It's not that hard. You have made it clear (haven't you?) that you want to date her again. You want a romantic relationship and are very happy to try again. It's so easy for her to just take you up on that if it's what she wants. The fact that her and her new-to-be ex (or not) are on the rocks, is really irrelevant. I mean on one hand, that frees her up to be with you, but I'm not getting that she is sure she wants this...free or not. So my advice to you is this: Meet with her face-to-face. Pin her down to an answer. If she needs time to decide, give her two days. But make it very clear that you will not be her friend (because you said you don't want that at all). Therefore, she has to choose to be with you, or to not be with you. If she can answer you right then and there, cool. If she needs time, set a day and a time that you need an answer by. If she chooses not to contact you by said day/time, that means the answer is no to the relationship redo. Although I think I'd phrase it as more of a new relationship, than a redo of the old. The old way didn't work out so well, so a fresh start is what you two need. If she doesn't come running back into your arms, you must move on. You really have to go NC, completely, and let go. You have to take care of yourself. You've been in limbo for far too long. It's time for you to heal now. And for you to find what you deserve...not this wishy-washy, non-committed bs. It's f'ing with your emotions and so unfair to you. When you meet, tell her everything you want to say that is close to your heart. It may be your last chance. Don't dredge up the bad times in hopes of solving any past issues...leave them in the past. Focus on what good things you share together. I hope it works out, but I wouldn't hold your breath. To me the fact that she hasn't already moved forward with you, shows me that she may not be ready/willing/able to do so...now or ever. I could be wrong, and I hope I am. But you have to end this charade now. We lesbians become so very close to our gfs. They are our best friends, sisters, mothers, lovers, confidants, etc. I understand why she (and you) don't want the other to disappear. That is a hard thing to accept, but this way you're living now is no life. Those are my two cents - for what it's worth. Good luck to you and keep us posted.
destroyed4sho Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 A good friend of mine once told me "Love is actions, not words". Sounds like she is undecided on whether she wants you to be her friend or her girlfriend and she is trying to Avoid making a decision/or announcing her decision for fear of losing you forever. I know it is going to be tough to hear if she doesn't want to be with you again but it needs to be said so you can move on. I think Taramaiden had advised someone on another thread to ask directly in a Yes or No format and nothing else after that...consider doing this, so you can get this over with.
TaraMaiden Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I hate to point this out to you, but gender is immaterial. You're playing into the drama. It's perfectly clear that she's yanking your chain and keeping you close - because, it seems, she can. You've asked her. Twice. To please quit the games and make her mind up. She's messed with your mind. Twice. And is continuing with the games which mess your mind up. Why do you make yourself available to this pain? DRAMA. Damn. Retard. After. More. Attention. I'm sorry, but you really just succeeded in screwing yourself by letting her back in. And for what? Chit-chat. You're not being a dick if you go No Contact. But you ARE being a dick if you keep letting her play yo-yo with your heart.
Author dazednconfuse Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 Thanks for the replies and perspective. I feel like I have been trying to have her declare but she is avoiding. I told her to think and call me in a couple days. That day....nothing..which is good..next day all kinds of contact and it wasnt until she finally called last night that I answered. And again...dumb talk...I wanted to scream.WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!! But I was at my sisters house do didnt, lol I know she is avoiding for whatever reasons...she doesnt want to close the door but isnt ready to do something. I will try once again and be more blunt for resolution as at this point there is nothing left for me to do. I will keep you posted....
TaraMaiden Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 You're not being a dick if you go No Contact. But you ARE being a dick if you keep letting her play yo-yo with your heart. I will try once again and be more blunt for resolution as at this point there is nothing left for me to do.. Er.... Hell-LO-O...?! Do NOT try again!! What would be the point - ? She has not been forthcoming up to now, what on earth makes you believe that even putting her on the spot will have a more distinct result - ? The way to make her really come to her senses - is to go complete NO CONTACT!! Force her to come to you!!
Author dazednconfuse Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 Ahhhh. True. She contacted me a few times today and I didnt reply. I will do my best but I am sure I will soon get the 'guess you are ignoring me and detaching' text.
TaraMaiden Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) And you reply in the affirmative to that one, by sending the 'text-blocker' text. It's brilliant and it works: The instant - the very instant - she texts you, this is what you reply: you typer her number, followed by colon (like this 12345 678901:) Then you type: Text-blocker activated. Your message could not be delivered. This will tell her in no uncertain terms that you are most definitely "ignoring and detaching". As, of course, you must. If she tries again, just send that message again - but make sure it's typed in exactly the same way as the first. Also, you may be actually able to get a phone app that WILL actually block texts - ! I recommend you do it! Edited February 28, 2013 by TaraMaiden Edit... NOT a REAL phone number!! 1
Author dazednconfuse Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Ha. Thats funny. I will consider that app. I just got an "i miss you" text. Who does she think she is?
Author dazednconfuse Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Another text...."was hoping to hear from you today". I didnt answer
grace777 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Tara gives excellent, non-biased advice. This is a fact. However, in this case - unless I missed something from the last time I commented - I'd ask her her answer. You could even text it. "What's it gonna be? Be with me or not be with me?" Anything other than a yes, let's work it out - say goodbye. Don't play into the text volleyball game all night. It's very simple - with me or no? Don't entertain explanations or trains of her thoughts. There is nothing more to work out or discuss. If she says no. Wish her well and say goodbye in one text. Then never again. Nip it in the bud. Right now. Tonight. And be done with it. You can either move on - or start on a new relationship together. The former is my guess. But you have to just stop this now.
Author dazednconfuse Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Grace/Tara.... Thanks for the input....it is needed...it is hard to see through the fog sometimes... I have not responded to anything as of yet. I will most likely just do the one sentence question - yes or no. It is just so hard because I feel like it completely closes the door when I know she has not closed the door to the idea of a new relationship. But I also know the time is long over due for her to make her move. I get she got into a new relationship after me....and focused all her energy there on the new shiney toy....and they got in deep....but she quickly realized they did not 'get' each other. Hence the volatile relationship that supposedly is ending. So, the fact that she doesnt know what she wants tells me it is not a relationship with me. This sucks.
Author dazednconfuse Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 And another text... 'Here I am again... saying hi' I didnt respond.
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