Prettygreeneyes Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I am in some desperate need of advice on this situation which I have to confess I kinda brought down on myself. Its a bit long winded though apologies for that. The background 19 years ago I met through a mutual friend a guy (he was 20) we ended spending the whole summer together, and even though it has to be said he was totally honest with me told me he had a girlfriend waiting for him back home, I chose to ignore that bit and totally threw myself at him. I guess I must have wore him down in the end because we ended up sleeping together.. (my idea) and I fell pregnant which wasn't planned, and because of various religious factors he went home and decided to patch things up with his girlfriend and have nothing to do with me. I decided to terminate the pregnancy - there were all kinds of rumours going about things he was meant to have said about me.. but the final straw came was when I had a surprise visit from one of his church leaders and the mutual friend told me that his Aunt who lived near us, was coming over to talk to me. anyway that was 18 yrs ago.. I haven't spoken a word to him since the day I told him I was having an abortion. There was nothing else I could say really. Until Oct 2012 I moved on with my life, finished college. Tried to put the past firmly in the past where it belongs, tried to accept that we all make mistakes mine was probably on the massive scale and I was ashamed of my behaviour.. to this day my parents know nothing about me having an termination or even being involved with him. I started my own company and my life was pretty good. and then in Oct 2012 I was at a business dinner with a few people I knew, clients etc, and someone mentioned his name.. so I made the mistake of googling the company to see who the directors were, and found out it was the same guy. And then I made the biggest mistake of them all, I for some reason I still don't fully understand messaged him via facebook I thought maybe so much time had past that if the situation arose then we could be in the same meeting.. and at least be civil. And to be honest I don't think we could be, so I have gone into avoidance, I miss meetings where I think he might be attending, I miss social events because of the same reason. It sounds kinda crazy, but he said so many horrible things about me to so many people and I had no defence, I still have no defence. And I am worried about what he might say to mutual clients or friends.. My friend who knows about this told me that he has a lot more to worry about reputation wise and that I should just hold my head up high and He was the one that left me pregnant to deal with it by myself, while he went back to repent and get back with his girlfriend. But I just have this awful sick feeling that he will spin it to his advantage again and then I will lose everything I have worked so hard for.. I just don't know what to do... I tried messaging him to ask if we could be civil to each other and got no reply. I wish he would just tell me one way or the other. My friend says he knows I am worried about all this coming out and he is enjoying making me worried about what he will say or do. But I just don't know what to do.
WhatYouWantToHear Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 What is there to do? From the sounds of it nothing has happened. He wants nothing to do with you--that is better than this 'being civil' relationship you've imagined. My guess is what you truly want is an apology or to tell him off. Leave it all alone, that is what you should do.
todreaminblue Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I am in some desperate need of advice on this situation which I have to confess I kinda brought down on myself. Its a bit long winded though apologies for that. The background 19 years ago I met through a mutual friend a guy (he was 20) we ended spending the whole summer together, and even though it has to be said he was totally honest with me told me he had a girlfriend waiting for him back home, I chose to ignore that bit and totally threw myself at him. I guess I must have wore him down in the end because we ended up sleeping together.. (my idea) and I fell pregnant which wasn't planned, and because of various religious factors he went home and decided to patch things up with his girlfriend and have nothing to do with me. I decided to terminate the pregnancy - there were all kinds of rumours going about things he was meant to have said about me.. but the final straw came was when I had a surprise visit from one of his church leaders and the mutual friend told me that his Aunt who lived near us, was coming over to talk to me. anyway that was 18 yrs ago.. I haven't spoken a word to him since the day I told him I was having an abortion. There was nothing else I could say really. Until Oct 2012 I moved on with my life, finished college. Tried to put the past firmly in the past where it belongs, tried to accept that we all make mistakes mine was probably on the massive scale and I was ashamed of my behaviour.. to this day my parents know nothing about me having an termination or even being involved with him. I started my own company and my life was pretty good. and then in Oct 2012 I was at a business dinner with a few people I knew, clients etc, and someone mentioned his name.. so I made the mistake of googling the company to see who the directors were, and found out it was the same guy. And then I made the biggest mistake of them all, I for some reason I still don't fully understand messaged him via facebook I thought maybe so much time had past that if the situation arose then we could be in the same meeting.. and at least be civil. And to be honest I don't think we could be, so I have gone into avoidance, I miss meetings where I think he might be attending, I miss social events because of the same reason. It sounds kinda crazy, but he said so many horrible things about me to so many people and I had no defence, I still have no defence. And I am worried about what he might say to mutual clients or friends.. My friend who knows about this told me that he has a lot more to worry about reputation wise and that I should just hold my head up high and He was the one that left me pregnant to deal with it by myself, while he went back to repent and get back with his girlfriend. But I just have this awful sick feeling that he will spin it to his advantage again and then I will lose everything I have worked so hard for.. I just don't know what to do... I tried messaging him to ask if we could be civil to each other and got no reply. I wish he would just tell me one way or the other. My friend says he knows I am worried about all this coming out and he is enjoying making me worried about what he will say or do. But I just don't know what to do. Your friend is right,keep your chin up, if he decides to be a gossip you have no control over what he says,only how you feel, dont let him get to you,maintain your dignity and deal with the guilt you feel, maybe therapy, you have to let it go, one of the reasons you are so worried is because you feel bad about it , and you think others are going to judge you, i know this feeling, it eats at you.....but it is what you feel about the situation what needs to eb dealt with,its the only thing you can control.......i have made so many mistakes in my life ones that would make others judge me .....unfairly so but i can tcontrol that, i can only hope people see me for th eperson i am now......nto the mistakes i have nade......i pray fro that.....and i get my answer....i keep my chin up ....no matter how insecure i feel...i am forgiven by the highest power...now i need to forgive myself.....so do you....to move on.......hugs to ya....deb 1
Author Prettygreeneyes Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 What is there to do? From the sounds of it nothing has happened. He wants nothing to do with you--that is better than this 'being civil' relationship you've imagined. My guess is what you truly want is an apology or to tell him off. Leave it all alone, that is what you should do. No I don't want an apology... I had that years ago but I ignored it. I work in a male dominated environment and contary to popular belief men gossip just as much as women. I am also not exactly thrilled at the prospect of attending meetings where he is. That is all... as for wanting nothing to do with me that is pretty much impossible seeing as he is now subcontracting to us. 1
Author Prettygreeneyes Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Your friend is right,keep your chin up, if he decides to be a gossip you have no control over what he says,only how you feel, dont let him get to you,maintain your dignity and deal with the guilt you feel, maybe therapy, you have to let it go, one of the reasons you are so worried is because you feel bad about it , and you think others are going to judge you, i know this feeling, it eats at you.....but it is what you feel about the situation what needs to eb dealt with,its the only thing you can control.......i have made so many mistakes in my life ones that would make others judge me .....unfairly so but i can tcontrol that, i can only hope people see me for th eperson i am now......nto the mistakes i have nade......i pray fro that.....and i get my answer....i keep my chin up ....no matter how insecure i feel...i am forgiven by the highest power...now i need to forgive myself.....so do you....to move on.......hugs to ya....deb Thanks hun... I appreciate the reply. And you are right I have no control over what he chooses to say or not say... or what other people choose to believe. Guess I just have to grit my teeth and get on with it
todreaminblue Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Thanks hun... I appreciate the reply. And you are right I have no control over what he chooses to say or not say... or what other people choose to believe. Guess I just have to grit my teeth and get on with it i am glad to read you have that determination....try and find the positives......an anology ill give is this..... if you walk into a parked car you can look at it like at least it wasnt a telegraph pole....there are worse things that can happen than what is said about you....the worst thing that can happen is if you dont forgive yourself..... if others dont forgive you .....that is the parked car.....if you dont forgive yourself that is the telegraph pole...this was inspired by the fact i did walk into a parked car after gym today...hey im still here.....and it wasnt a telegraph pole..they hurt far more trust me walked into a few of them in my life time seeing i day dream it is not a rare occurence. i guess that is why people dont want to teach me how to drive.....slackers...i do live and learn though..smilin atcha....best wishes....deb
Author Prettygreeneyes Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 What I really really want to do is hide until a rock until its *safe* for me to come back out. I guess I made it all the worse by sending him that message - my friend told me afterwards that, that told him clearer than anything I was nervous about him working on this contract. She said I should have just brazened it out and then when our paths cross ( which they will) stared him down with a * yes I already know .....* and left it at that. But its a bit late for that now. So I guess I am gonna have to go with the *grit my teeth* option. I just would have been happier if he had messaged me back saying with "I will be polite" wouldn't be getting myself screwed up in knots wondering what he is going to say or to whom. Like I said its not about apologies.. I had them years ago... he tried to apologise through the friend that first introduced us. Well the message exactly was ... "..... is sorry for the way he treated you and he wants to talk." The message I sent back was... simply "No." Like I said once he had made his decision to get back with his gf there was no point in continuing contact or talking or anything really. thanks for the advice Deb... I appreciate
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