Ex shared intimate photos of us with my fiance

[xxoo]

I don't know how old you are now, but it doesn't sound like you are mature enough to marry. You put yourself in a very vulnerable spot when the pictures were taken, and again when you resumed contact with him on facebook.

 

You need to learn to protect yourself and your relationships with strong boundaries before you marry. This unfortunate event could be the turning point for you, but you'll have to woman up and talk to your bf and his family about what happened and how it happened. If they see you understanding how it happened, you'll have a better shot of earning their trust in the future.

[Minki]

It might actually be a good thing to do. Let her see that you feel awful about this, recognise that you made mistakes when you were younger. She is supposed to be a good listener after all with her work. You do need to clear the air with them as well as your fiance

 

Thank you so much! I agree 100%.

[Minki]

I don't know how old you are now, but it doesn't sound like you are mature enough to marry. You put yourself in a very vulnerable spot when the pictures were taken, and again when you resumed contact with him on facebook.

 

You need to learn to protect yourself and your relationships with strong boundaries before you marry. This unfortunate event could be the turning point for you, but you'll have to woman up and talk to your bf and his family about what happened and how it happened. If they see you understanding how it happened, you'll have a better shot of earning their trust in the future.

 

I am 24 years old. I think I have matured a lot and probably still have a lot to learn, but you are right I should learn to protect myself and my relationship. I just hate the fact that my fiance is becoming distant and analyzing the situation on his own, he is a cancer so when hurt he withdraws and goes into his "shell".

[KatZee]

OK lets for a second push aside the fact that the OP was in compromising pictures with her ex. Is this honestly SO taboo? People do this all the time! They make homemade sex tapes, take pictures... hell my my mother had old Polaroid pictures of herself and her ex-husband. Couples do this. It was her decision to engage in the behavior...WHATEVER. I don't think this needs to be harped on for a second longer.

 

The issue for me is... why on earth would you reach out to your ex when you're engaged to someone else? Saying that there are "no romantic feelings" from your end is not a valid enough point. Was your fiance aware that you were contacting your ex? And if he wasn't, how do you think he'd feel to know you were reaching out to an old partner? Didn't you see how this could compromise your current relationship by making him feel insecure, or that he'd maybe start doubting your feelings for him?

 

Your ex clearly didn't have the same mind frame as you because he seriously screwed you over. By posting those pictures on a public website and then by maliciously sending them to your fiance.

 

That being said... if you haven't cheated, I don't see why this would be a deal breaker for your fiance. Is he upset? Of course. No man wants to see his woman, the one he wants to marry, in such disgusting and compromising pictures with someone else. Those images are probably seared into his memory, and if your sex life with him is NOTHING like those pictures, he's probably questioning his own masculinity and whether or not he really satisfies you on that level.

 

I'd say give him a little space but then there needs to be a conversation about this. I don't think there should be any communication between you and this ex of yours at all if you want to proceed with this relationship and marriage and you need to give your fiance time to get his confidence back with you.

[Minki]

OK lets for a second push aside the fact that the OP was in compromising pictures with her ex. Is this honestly SO taboo? People do this all the time! They make homemade sex tapes, take pictures... hell my my mother had old Polaroid pictures of herself and her ex-husband. Couples do this. It was her decision to engage in the behavior...WHATEVER. I don't think this needs to be harped on for a second longer.

 

The issue for me is... why on earth would you reach out to your ex when you're engaged to someone else? Saying that there are "no romantic feelings" from your end is not a valid enough point. Was your fiance aware that you were contacting your ex? And if he wasn't, how do you think he'd feel to know you were reaching out to an old partner? Didn't you see how this could compromise your current relationship by making him feel insecure, or that he'd maybe start doubting your feelings for him?

 

Your ex clearly didn't have the same mind frame as you because he seriously screwed you over. By posting those pictures on a public website and then by maliciously sending them to your fiance.

 

That being said... if you haven't cheated, I don't see why this would be a deal breaker for your fiance. Is he upset? Of course. No man wants to see his woman, the one he wants to marry, in such disgusting and compromising pictures with someone else. Those images are probably seared into his memory, and if your sex life with him is NOTHING like those pictures, he's probably questioning his own masculinity and whether or not he really satisfies you on that level.

 

I'd say give him a little space but then there needs to be a conversation about this. I don't think there should be any communication between you and this ex of yours at all if you want to proceed with this relationship and marriage and you need to give your fiance time to get his confidence back with you.

 

I know it seems stupid that I have reconnected with my ex but since my fiance and I share the same facebook account it wasn't a secret or such a big deal. He was well aware of my ex and he is even friends with some of his exes so there was never any trust issues.

 

I have deleted the ex and my brother is handling him at the moment to leave us alone. If I give him space should I move out for a week or so?

[anne1707]

My opinion - no, don't move out. Yes give him space but not that much! He needs to see that you are committed to this relationship. He needs to know where you are for now whilst he gets his head round this. You need to be there for when he is ready to talk.

[Bando89]

I'm sorry but this is your fault. You don't let an abusive person back into your life!!!

Now he is screwing your relationship with a nice and caring guy, who is probably giving you all the love of the world and what does he get in return? You adding an ex and pictures of you making sex with your ex. That's not fair at all...

 

It's like women nowadays do whatever they want in abusive relationships, then they almost feel compulsory that a good boy must find them and give them everything, heal them from their bad pasts while pretending nothing in return. I don't like it...

[KatZee]

Why would you move out? There was no cheating or any real betrayal here. Your ex just turned out to be a real piece of s.hit and rocked your fiances confidence at the moment. I doubt he hates you or is so furious at you. Give him space for like... two days MAX and talk to him! How are you going to marry someone you can't even have a conversation with? Do you think that sexy photos are going to be the worst thing you guys ever have to deal with? Time to put the big girl panties on.

[destroyed4sho]

yeah, if he is going to let you go because of this....hell, maybe this is the best thing that happened to you.

[fancy feast]

Just make it clear to your fiance that this happened long before you met him, and has nothing to do with your feelings for him. You haven't done anything wrong, so don't go in with apologies.

 

Also, here's some advice for your fiance regarding your creep ex: http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Bane-Breaks-Batmans-Back-The-Dark-Knight-Rises.gif

[NoLeafClover]

Am I the only one here who has thought of legal action?

 

It's my understanding that even if you were fully aware that he was taking pictures and videos doing the dirty dirty, this does not mean that your ex can post, upload and send this information to anybody else but himself.

 

This is actually a big issue and he can/should get in big trouble for the damage he has caused. Your image has been damaged because someone send those pictures purposly to do just that. This is not a slip or a mistake he made and sending those pictures showing your most private/intimate areas without your approval is illegal. This isn't not only a family issues. It can also be going to your work and affect your image at work.

 

I don't understand why you would even talk to an ex. In my relationships talking to ex's has never been acceptable specifically because of drama coming back from them.

 

On the other hand, why haven't you looked into any type of legal action?

What's next, your pictures and videos with your ex uploaded on a porn website? Perhaps they are already uploaded somewhere.

 

Talk to you fiance, don't let him suffer and deal with this on his own. You have to be next to him throughout this whole time. He is hurt and you can't just let it be without knowing how he trully feels. Do not lie and bring up sex with your ex claiming that it was bad just because it would make your fiance feel better. If your fiance has any questions answer to them truthfully and make sure you let him know it was before you met him and that you'd like to take action regarding what happened.

 

If I were your fiance this is what I'd wanna hear so I would suggest to follow the above steps-

1- be honest

2- answer any questions honestly

3- explain yourself truthfully

4- Actions you would take to fix this situation

 

If you truly love him, this is the time to let him know that. It's never too much to say "I love you" when your loved one is in pain regarding this.- assuming this is how you feel still (and I'd hope you do)

 

Also keep in mind that he might be under pressure from the images being set to his family as well. There might just be more than just his feelings being involved here. It could be more of a betrayal feeling and the overall family image being ruined in his eyes.

[Mayfare]

Wow some people on here are unbelievably judgmental and it's actually disgusting. Really, none of you have ever put yourselves in a compromising situation? I'm willing to bet every single one of us has, we're just lucky that a creep with a camera wasn't around to capture it. What next? Rape victims are to blame, too?

 

This was not your fault. Obviously, there were things you could have done to avoid this situation, but when you're in a relationship with someone you're supposed to be able to trust them. It is not your fault that your ex turned out to be an untrustworthy scumbag.

 

All you can do now is damage control and learn from the situation. You're engaged, so this man and his family will soon be your family. Confide in him. You need to be completely honest with him, and if he's serious about marrying you, he should be the one to take care of his family's opinion of you as well. If the tables were turned I'm sure you would protect his image in the eyes of your family members, so he should do the same. That said, he needs time to swallow this before he can defend you to anyone, and you moving out or being less devoted to him will send the wrong signals. Don't smother him, but give him space and make sure he knows the ex is in the past, and he is your future.

 

Also, you need to never be in contact with this ex again, and if you can take any legal action against him I would advise doing so. Not only does this protect you in the future, it demonstrates to your fiance that you want the ex gone for good.

[js1967]

hi there,

 

im just going to jump in here. Im just going to speak from the heart here, be blunt and I hope it helps.

 

Sex Pics from your past. In my opinion, no big deal. The wrong thing in this whole issue is your ex actually showing them. Im guessing it was from another time in life and it makes you who you are today for your current person you love.

 

The past is the past. If Some old boyfriend wants to try and ruin where your at right now, well that speaks of his character. Not yours.

 

Hopefully your current love wont judge you. Maybe this is a good test for you both.

 

Bets of luck and Im sorry your going through this.

[NoLeafClover]

Can you tell us a bit how this pictures/videos were sent?

 

Like through email?Facebook? Who were they sent originally?

I am trying to figure out, was he trying to send it to someone specifically and send it to his address book?

 

How did your fiance and his family got the pictures?

 

You don't have to reply to this but it is very concerning someone can do that.

 

What country/state do you live in?

[Mack05]

Mayfare, I am not being judgemental. I am giving an opinion. Two completely different things. I would be a hypocrite if I denied a) I've never had an ex sent me sexy pictures b) Never thought through about the consequences of certain actions.

 

With regarding b), I still beat myself up. We all make mistakes and I accept that. Indeed mine were a lot bigger than sex pictures. My mistakes have cost me dearly. If I meet a girl in future, be honest with her about my mistakes (in the past) and she says she can't be with me, that is not her being judgemental. It is her right to do what she feels is best for her.

 

I think the issues for me is how degrading these pictures are. I mean it if were just her topless or in sexy poses I don't really the see the issue there, but its the graphic nature of these pictures that I think are the problem. I would find it really hard to 'respect' my girlfriend if I saw those kind of pictures. Now does that make me a bad person because I am old fashioned and believe in old fashioned morals and values? Does it make me a bad person because I will probably never view her in the same way again?

 

What is great about this forum is the different opinions, backgrounds and experiences of the different posters. Some guys would have no issue whatsoever with the pictures. Some of those guys have given their opinion on this thread. Some guys would, so I have given my opinion. I have no idea which guy her fiancee is, but if he decides to leave he shouldn't be crucified for it. We all have different standards, different beliefs, different opinions. Some conservative, some Liberal. No one wrong. IMO everyone has the right to live their life as they fit, providing no laws are broken.

 

I think you know you have met the right partner, if you love the person even more after the honeymoon period. You love them even more after you know all about them. I guess time will tell of the OP and fiancee are right for each other. The one thing I do know is her fiancee is innocent in all this. We all want to treat our girls special, but for me that is hard to do this when I see her degrade herself like this. She becomes average ho in my eyes. We all want something special. 'Special' has a different meaning for everyone and if he decides to leave I wouldn't blame him. She degraded herself in one of the worst ways and then let this scumbag back into her life. Its bad enough he saw them, but his family too..The male ego can be fragile and this just adds to the hurt.

 

Now most won't agree with me, so I will leave this thread. I just wanted to offer a different opinion. For what it is worth Minki, I hope he stays and you guys end up happily married for a long time. The world and these boards are full of enough sad stories as it is. Just be patient and not rush him. Here is a good thread from the divorce and separation forum. While these guys are married 10 years and they story is different I do see a lot of similarities in how both partners are hurting and have gone into their shells -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/372616-stubborn-husband-might-leave-me

Edited February 23, 2013 by Mack05

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't think the OP is a bad person for having her pictures taken. S--t happens in a relationship and things get carried away from time to time. Where she screwed up was inexplicably letting this guy back into her life. That was just massively dumb. But oh well, you can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. If you didn't cheat, then explain that to him. Reassure him. And don't make an incredibly dumbass decision like that again.

[Darren Steez]

OP FORGET the criticism on here, I'm not sure how people think they're helping you by screaming it's your fault etc, just try to focus on the practical advice you're getting on how to fix this.

 

Regardless of when the pictures were taken, seeing pictures of the woman you love with another man is never easy. If he's withdrawn to the point of not showing affection (I mean the not hugging part) then that should be a massive red flag.

 

Have you talked to him? What did he say?

 

You need to sit him down and a very serious conversation about how he's feeling, how you're feeling. SHOW him how much you love him and want to be with him. I don't think I agree with giving him "space", it seems to me just giving him room to stew in his negatives thoughts and mind movies.

 

Get that EX out of our life ASAP. Do whatever it takes to show your fiance how much he means to you.

 

Good luck.

[SadSouls]

This is your fault, why bother reconnecting with your ex in the first place? There was absolutely no need to whatsoever. I would be so pissed off if my girlfriend did the same thing.

 

My advice on this? Speak to him about it and ensure he knows that it's the past and means nothing now.

[Taramere]

The photos were taken long before I even met my fiance. Sadly my ex was addicted to a site called fetlife which is mainly based on different kinds of fetishes, so you can only imagine what embarrassing acts I had to endure while in a relationship with him.

 

I'm not entirely with the people who are telling you to put on your big girl pants on the basis that you consented to it all. There's free, fully informed "yes I absolutely want to do this and I feel no pressure at all" consent - and then there's the kind of consent people give when they are the weaker party (whether through circumstances, lack of assertiveness, immaturity etc). Realistically a lot of people in life rely on the latter form of consent from others to get what they want. That's just life, sadly, but for others to then judge the consenting party as having given consent as freely and happily as they themselves might consent to similar scenarios isn't fair in my book.

 

Denying that there are different levels of consent is sometimes a cop-out to avoid examination of some very tricky scenarios and the difficult business of allocating/accepting degrees of personal responsibility when things go wrong and somebody says "well, I felt pressured...I didn't really want to do it." Bullies are notorious for demanding that weaker individuals (weaker in the sense of being in a less strong bargaining position) take full responsibility for the situations they find themselves in - while themselves evading any personal responsibility like the plague. Realistically, in the kind of situation you portray, there's shared responsibility for one person being pressured and giving way to that pressure. Provided threats and force aren't used as part of that pressure, of course, because if they were then that constitutes the kind of lack of consent that criminal courts examine.

 

I absolutely cannot envisage any non-malicious reason your ex would share these photos with your fiance and his family. So how does that sit with the content of these photographs? Lots of people are into BDSM. Fine. As I understand it there is a bit of a community around it which has certain rules and ethics to prevent abusive behaviour. However, this behaviour of your ex's (in sharing the photographs) is extremely abusive. If the BDSM community is against abusive behaviour then it should be against behaviour like that which is such a huge violation of privacy - and a violation that it seems reasonable to assume was carried out to sabotage your relationship. I think you should consult with a lawyer with a view to getting a restraining order against this ex.

 

The malicious nature of his actions is concerning - and particularly given the flavour of your previous relationship with him I think it's important that you give out a very clear message. That dom/sub relationship is in the past. That you reconnected with him on a social level was evidently a badly judged move on your part, but it does not give him some sort of licence to harass and humiliate you and the people you're close to in this way.

 

As far as your relationship with your fiance goes, it sounds as though giving him as much space as he needs/wants right now is all you can do. I should think if he sees you taking proactive measures to deal with this ex and to send him out a clear message that he's to stay away from you and the people you love, then that might provide some level of reassurance that you're maturing into a strong, capable woman here. If the visual impact of the pictures was something that he and his family are not going to be able to get past then sadly there's nothing you can do about that. Trying to talk people around, when they feel that way, can sometimes just result in a more agonising situation for everybody. There are, however, some practical measures you can take in response to the malicious behaviour of your ex - and I would recommend that you take them without delay.

Edited February 23, 2013 by Taramere

[Taramere]

It's not about grudges. If someone does you that type of wrong, or inflicts that type of abuse on you, you create boundaries to remove that sort of negativity in your life.

 

I do agree with this. I think the recent incident is a big wake up call to the OP on the need for boundaries. There are one or two people I hold a grudge against in the sense that I would never forget or forgive them for something they did to me...but it doesn't mean I would set out to do them harm. It means that ultimately they proved to be a negative more than a positive in my life and I don't want to have any personal dealings or reconnect with them again.

 

Grudges tend to have negative connotations, and they are negative in many ways, but ultimately they're a reminder to ourselves that X, Y and Z have proven to be too toxic in the past to be given any second or third chances. There's no necessity to reconnect with those who treated us badly in the past in order to send out a message that we don't hold grudges.

 

Some people just don't belong in our present on any level...not even on the very tenuous facebook friend level (and I do think that social networking like Facebook is a major player in terms of blurring people's boundaries about who they should and shouldn't retain contact with).

[Joaquin]

^^^ totally agree.

 

I find it curious why the op needed to reconnect.

 

A fiancé in the picture and then going down the ex route, and an abusive ex at that. Just why? What did the op want out of the reconnection. There is always a reason.

[Mayfare]

She didn't consent to having these pictures publicized, so no, it wasn't her fault, even if she did accept a stupid facebook friend request. We can sit here and speculate as to why she accepted the request to begin with, but who cares? She never consented to this so it's irrelevant.

 

And Mack, you can have your opinion, but anyone who comes on here and says "it's your fault" without any bit of support really shouldn't be posting advice for her to begin with. Sorry if I've ruffled some feathers here, but I take issue with this. Pretty much everyone on this forum is hurting in one way or another, and I personally come here to find support and guidance, not blame and negativity. I'm not saying advice should ever be sugarcoated, but damn, advice is advice! When did pointing fingers at someone asking for help ever become productive?

[KatZee]

anyone who comes on here and says "it's your fault" without any bit of support really shouldn't be posting advice for her to begin with.

 

In my opinion those who have said this should be taken with a grain of salt anyway. They are new posters with about 13 posts, and their responses contain little to zero substance. Those posts should be flat out overlooked IMO.

[KraftDinner]

I'm disgusted for people judging the OP so harshly for:

 

A - having taken pics with an ex; and

 

B - for accepting a fb request.

 

I have exes on my fb and so does my bf. BIG DEAL. I'm a very jealous person and it doesn't even bother me that he has them on there! In fact, it's good -- they can see happy pics of him and me together!

 

And the intimate pic thing...people here are acting like nobody does that. Give me a break.

 

I'm really disappointed with the judgement here sometimes. What a horrible thing the OP has had to endure. And now this judgement.

 

And then people pushing their own agendas "you consented to 'fet' so get over it" or whatever. Nobody cares about your lifestyle choices so stop trying to normalize that stuff and make that the issue.

 

And someone (I believe Taramere?) was right when she discussed levels of consent.

[Minki]

hi there,

 

im just going to jump in here. Im just going to speak from the heart here, be blunt and I hope it helps.

 

Sex Pics from your past. In my opinion, no big deal. The wrong thing in this whole issue is your ex actually showing them. Im guessing it was from another time in life and it makes you who you are today for your current person you love.

 

The past is the past. If Some old boyfriend wants to try and ruin where your at right now, well that speaks of his character. Not yours.

 

Hopefully your current love wont judge you. Maybe this is a good test for you both.

 

Bets of luck and Im sorry your going through this.

 

I would like to believe we are going to survive this and come out stronger. Thank you for the support

 

Can you tell us a bit how this pictures/videos were sent?

 

Like through email?Facebook? Who were they sent originally?

I am trying to figure out, was he trying to send it to someone specifically and send it to his address book?

 

How did your fiance and his family got the pictures?

 

You don't have to reply to this but it is very concerning someone can do that.

 

What country/state do you live in?

 

He uploaded them to photobucket and then sent the links via facebook. One of the original contacts was my fiance's sister who shared the news with him and the family. She is only 14 years old so I can't really blame her for sharing it.

 

OP FORGET the criticism on here, I'm not sure how people think they're helping you by screaming it's your fault etc, just try to focus on the practical advice you're getting on how to fix this.

 

Regardless of when the pictures were taken, seeing pictures of the woman you love with another man is never easy. If he's withdrawn to the point of not showing affection (I mean the not hugging part) then that should be a massive red flag.

 

Have you talked to him? What did he say?

 

You need to sit him down and a very serious conversation about how he's feeling, how you're feeling. SHOW him how much you love him and want to be with him. I don't think I agree with giving him "space", it seems to me just giving him room to stew in his negatives thoughts and mind movies.

 

Get that EX out of our life ASAP. Do whatever it takes to show your fiance how much he means to you.

 

Good luck.

 

I appreciate your support and have asked my father to look into any legal actions that I can pursue against my ex. I deleted and blocked my ex from facebook and won't ever reconnect with him again, unless it is to testify in court.