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I'm in a serious relationship and about to destroy it?

Cesarea

By Cesarea
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Cesarea New Member

Cesarea

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So, I've been going out with my boyfriend for several years and we've had our ups and downs, but I don't have major complains. The thing is that I've had two crushes during the last year.

 

One completely platonic, I knew this one man was totally out of reach in many ways (married, older, etc.), so it was "safe-crushing". I don't even know the guy personally although I see him every day, but I fantasized a lot about his personality and about getting to know him. It was also a sexual thing, obviously. This infatuation was so utterly idiotic, so unlike me, but I had no control over my thoughts and feelings and I had no idea what was going on with me.

 

Then, I kind of moved on with my life and my relationship, but one day I went out with friends and...I saw the cutest guy ever. I was stupid/drunk enough to walk up to him and tell him that, even though I had a boyfriend and I had no intentions of cheating, he was very good looking. It was a crazy night out with girl friends and all that, you get the picture. He then started talking to me and we exchanged phone numbers. We kept in touch, he tried to hang out with me again and I wanted to see him again too, so last night we met at the disco where we talked the first time. It was a kind of casual thing, I was with my group of friends and he was with his.

The big issue is that the guy charms my panties right off. I find him SO HOT it's unreal. He kind of groped me a little and I went straight ahead and told him that I had a bf and I was going to remain faithful, and that I did not want to mislead him into thinking otherwise. He kind of joked about it, and then I started talking to his friend. The hottie's friend made me feel guilty about my behaviour, saying that I had been too rough etc., so I tried to apologise to the hottie.

When we were out on the street we talked for a while and he tried to kiss me. He turns me on so much that it took every ounce of strength in my body and mind not to kiss him, but I managed. We came VERY close though.

 

I really wonder why I feel like this now, because I hadn't looked at other men before since me and my bf started going out. I like my bf, I don't think I "deserve better" or anything. He has a lot of qualities that I know I need in a partner. He treats me right and he's honest and interesting and so on. We've shared a lot together and I am aware of the fact that his feelings are in my hands and it's a huge responsibility. However, we are forced to see each other very little because we live in different cities and I frequently feel that we're not involved in each other's life enough to create the kind of bond I'd expect. In other words, I feel like I'm single most of the time. This feeling has been growing and growing over the years and I've gone from head-over-heels in love to unexcitement. To tell the truth, I blame him a little for our growing apart. I used to be a lot more "clingy", trying to talk to him on the phone at least a couple of times a week and all, and he just backed right off. He didn't make the effort, but then when we met he'd be all romantic. I don't know if he behaves like this because he's tired of the distance or what, but the truth is that the passion has died away.

 

There's also another issue. I don't find him very sexually attractive, and I don't look forward to sex. He's not ugly (he's actually pretty cute), it's just that he's missing virility or something. I'm not sure if the lack of sexual passion is correlated with the fact that we don't spend much time together.

 

Also, I have a little curiosity. I have only had three sexual partners and two (one) committed relationships, while he's a lot more experienced in that aspect.

 

I don't know what to do or who to talk to. Should I examine my relationship? Is the fact that I like this guy, or rather the fact that I made the move to talk to him, a red flag? Will this feeling go away? Should I tell my boyfriend that I want to explore? Is it normal to feel like this when you're in a committed relationship after several years? Is the grass always greener on the other side? Please, I need some guidance...

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Cesarea New Member

Cesarea

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Doesn't anybody care to shed some light on this? Please, I'm going through a lot of anxiety, I really need someone with a little more experience to tell me what are my/his options and what will each one imply...

I REALLY love him and I don't want to hurt him. It's not fear of being alone or whatever that's holding me back, I'm scared of acting out of selfishness and damaging his feelings, but also of not being able to ever be happy again if I don't go out and explore a little. I'm really not ready to commit for life and start thinking about a family, while he is.

Also, an open relationship is really not an option.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
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Think carefully before answering this question:

 

Do you Love him, or are you IN love with him?

 

The two are different:

 

The first applies to any male you might feel close to. Including your brother.

 

The second applies to someone you'd happily spend the remainder of your life with.

 

Which is it?

And while it could be both, I highly doubt it.

TheGuard13 Established Member

TheGuard13

Posted
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You should definitely examine your relationship, and what you want, at this point in your life. Sexual chemistry is important in a relationship. You can love someone and not be very attracted to them anymore. It sucks, but it happens.

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Cesarea New Member

Cesarea

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Thank you both for your answers. You were of great help.

I never thought of it that way...I mean, passion usually waxes and wanes in committed relationships, right? It has been a few years after all, and I'm starting to think that the problem is ME. Maybe I'm not capable of being IN LOVE with anyone (not of loving). I used to be "in love" all the time, I didn't have a single doubt. How could I find out if I have issues that I need to work on, or if the problem is the relationship?

 

It doesn't help that all of a sudden his the best and most attentive boyfriend ever, and there's not a single thing about him that I could complain about. But I just don't feel the passion anymore.

 

It's so confusing...it's making me very anxious.

stevie_23 Established Member

stevie_23

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This is SUCH a common situation, and one I was in too.

 

I’ve been with my partner for almost 12 years. Before her (it’s a same sex relationship), I was with one other person (also a woman) for 4 years. And that’s it.

 

For the first 6-7 years of my current relationship, I was totally in love. SO happy. Felt we were perfect together, EXCEPT we hardly ever (and then never) had sex. I honestly felt this didn’t affect us at all in terms of any other aspect of our relationship. But then…I began to notice that I didn’t feel quite the same as I used to. I didn’t feel that need to be near her, to snuggle her, to want to always do things with her, that we were perfect. I felt…dissatisfied. I pushed those feelings down for a few years because they were so unpleasant and concerning. Then the distractions came as we had to move house (to a place I’ve never liked), almost 5 years ago. I thought my depression and unhappiness was purely due to living in a place I didn’t like, and yes, it’s a big part of it, but it’s not all of it. I now see I feel “homeless” because I don’t feel my partner is my home anymore, whereas I used to. Wherever she was, that was home.

 

So I had a crush on an ex-work colleague (also a woman) for a while. She was straight and married, not interested of course. I never told her my feelings. We got very close for a while and then it fizzled. I was fine with that. We went through a sort of honeymoon period for friends and then there wasn’t much substance to keep a normal friendship going. I thought not much of this crush at the time. All through my life, since age 12-13, I’d had crushes (obsessions) on various celebrities and this continued on into my current relationship. Obviously it never caused any problems. I didn’t want to BE with these celebrities as I was happy with my partner, and I also didn’t want to BE with that ex-work colleague. I didn’t find her sexually attractive. That crush was safe, so not a concern to me.

 

About 6 months after that, I developed a crush on the man who would turn out to be my affair partner for almost 2 years. I had NO idea that would happen. I didn’t see it coming. Looking back, I’d been vulnerable for a while…not being in love for several years but not acknowledging or wanting to admit it. Developing a crush on a real life friend and not just a celebrity anymore. And now this…and this time although I thought it was safe again (he was almost twice my age, lived across the world, was with someone already and he was a GUY and I thought I was gay. How much safer can you GET!?), my rapidly developing feelings were reciprocated.

 

And so here I am now…2 years later. Completely lost. Still not in love with my long term partner. My ex-married man has left me as he couldn’t live 2 lives anymore. I feel alone and like a horrible person for cheating on my partner and losing my ex-married man.

 

If I could go back, I don’t even know what I’d do. What I SHOULD have done is talk to my partner openly YEARS ago and told her how I felt, or didn’t feel anymore. That I love her dearly and don’t really want to leave her, but I just don’t FEEL it anymore.

 

But I didn’t do that. And now I’m a mess. Learn from this, ok? :)

Edited by stevie_23
Rubix123 Member

Rubix123

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Little word of advice: never chose the man you like over the man you love.

 

Who do you love? Is it love? Or is it lust?

 

 

I'm in a long distance relationship I understand every word your saying and I have been for just under a year, yeah times get tough but if you love him enough you can stick it out til whenever you's can live together, cause the time you got to wait is so little time compared to the time you'll love with him - for the rest of your life.

 

 

My advice is dont tell your boyfriend about this fling if you still want to be with him. Cause it will only cause him extreme anxiety but just be careful could someone tell him? You need to stop pullin these two guys along at the same time sorry to be harsh but one of these guys is going to end up feeling bad because of you. This guy knows you have a boyfriend and still tries to get it on with you?

 

 

Would you really trust that sort of guy to be with?

Maybe you just like the idea of him giving you more attention more often than your own bf can at the moment.

Maybe you should spend more time talking to your bf and call and Skype.

Seriously though its your choice maybe you want that guy.

Just please don't lead two guys on at once that's kinda slutty.

 

 

Your friends don't seem genuine, believe me I've been there before, I've seen it all you'll think I'm a bitch, you won't take word of advice but if they are real friends they will get to know your boyfriend, not 'hang out with you when getting it on with a guy you know'

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calgary Established Member

calgary

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in honesty, I've been both guys in this situation..

 

I've trusted my girlfriend and let her go out with the girls only to find out she's been flirting with some guy she found cute all night and it devastated me...

 

I've been the guy who has got a girls number on a night out who had a boyfriend.. I've caused girls to cheat on their boyfriend in a previous life ( i'm not proud now I've grown up and had serious relationships) but at the time I used to find it funny and such an ego boost.. at the same time, I was seeing two other girls that week. I didn't care about the girl with the boyfriend all that much she didn't mean anything to me, I just thought she looked hot in a club. Would have never considered her relationship material because well she's flirting with me when she has a boyfriend right ? who wants that.

 

sometimes, you have to go out, sleep with this new guy, get messed around and hurt.. only to realize how decent a person your boyfriend is right now and then it'll be too late.

Mantha03 Member

Mantha03

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It is a phase you may be going through. Give it sometime to pass, if it does not pass then you really need to talk to you BF. Explain how you feel to him, you were head over heels in love to begin with and who is to say it is really gone for good. If you really love him tell him what you need and give him a chance to fix it. Don't throw your relationship down the drain for someone you barely know; chances are once you really get to know that guy you probably won't like him as much.

 

I've been through this myself me and my BF were really on the rocks and I started to crush hard on a guy in class and almost broke up with my BF. Not for this guy, but because I found myself interested in another guy and felt it was unfair to my BF. Turns out it was a phase and my crush faded as quickly as it came on. I was just looking for what my relationship was lacking in this guy but I gave my BF the chance to fix it and I couldn't be happier with my decision. Because I would have more regret messing up a relationship with my BF than messing up things with some one I barely know.

 

If you really truly feel you don't want to try with your BF then you need to let him go. You will regret cheating on him even if your relationship has ended. On the other hand having a long distance relationship and only talking a few times a week is a little concerning. I love to hear from my boyfriend everyday it keeps us close and keeps the passion there. You may want to examine his actions as well as your own. Good luck

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Cesarea New Member

Cesarea

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Mantha - wow, thank YOU so much. I'm just starting to feel that the crush is fading quickly, and I feel totally like what you described. Whenever I consider the idea of breaking up, I remind myself that I would not leave my boyfriend for someone else but for the issues in our relationship. THEN I might consider the idea of starting a new relationship (emotionally speaking, sex would be alright...), but I would take my time. I know for a given that leaving your partner for someone else is a huge mistake.

What I feel about this new guy is lust and I could see that from the beginning. I'm missing the passion that drew us and my boyfriend together in the first place. Now it's almost apathy, and it's killing me...

Anyway, thank you again.

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Cesarea New Member

Cesarea

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Calgary - I don't know, the way you said you "trusted her" and "let her go out" does not sound quite right. In all the years me and my partner have been together, I've not done something like this once before, and I've gone out with my friends many times. It's my feelings about the relationship (or your ex's) that disturb me and would disturb my boyfriend, not the fact that I flirted with some guy I found cute.

On the other hand, I didn't expect this new guy to trust me with his heart or consider me relationship material at all. If I ever looked at him twice it's only an indicator that I want out of my relationship. So I'm not really concerned about what he might think about my integrity. And of course, I wouldn't cheat. Not even a kiss.

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Cesarea New Member

Cesarea

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Stevie - you said that you had not being "in love for several years" and that is EXACTLY where I don't want to end up. That's what scares the c*** out of me. I don't want to look back when I'm forty and decide that I've not lived my life to the fullest, that I've not found a person that truly fulfills me. But then again, why does a relationship fade? "Staying" in love might be the problem after all, and it has much to do with ourselves...that's what I'm coming to think after much deliberation.

aussie sam Member

aussie sam

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I have personally witnessed your situation many many times and seen different the result of different decisions.

 

recently I was in a long distance distance relationship for 6 months when I moved to a new country. I met new girls on weekly basis that at the time I found far more sexually and emotionally attractive than my (ex)girlfriend. The reason being that they were right there and new and exciting and fun and didn't come with any of the problems of a long distance relationship. I'm almost certain that If I had of split up with my (ex)girlfriend for one of these new girls, then I would have done it again down the track when the spark "died" again with the new girl.

 

From what I have seen, women don't usually have these attractions to other men when they are in a relationship (certainly not on the same frequency that we do). So I see a lot of them place importance on these new feelings thinking that they mean something more than they actually do.

 

I'm at a place now where I am convinced that that "spark" you have with someone is something that you BOTH have to actively keep working at to keep alive. If it were me then I would figure out what you are most missing in your current relationship, and talk to your boyfriend about it in a way that shows that you really want to solve it! If you truly try (and I mean TRULY) then you will either be rewarded with a great relationship, or leave without the guilt of not having given your boyfriend a chance to work with you on a problem that he didn't know about.

 

It seems like your current boyfriend could be a bit of a catch.... do you think this new guy who has no problem with you cheating would be a faithful long distance partner?

 

Just my two cents but I hope it helps! :)

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TheGuard13 Established Member

TheGuard13

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I never thought of it that way...I mean, passion usually waxes and wanes in committed relationships, right?

 

Yes.

 

And depending on who you are, sometimes you crush on or are attracted to people who aren't your partner.

 

It has been a few years after all, and I'm starting to think that the problem is ME. Maybe I'm not capable of being IN LOVE with anyone (not of loving). I used to be "in love" all the time, I didn't have a single doubt. How could I find out if I have issues that I need to work on, or if the problem is the relationship?

 

It doesn't help that all of a sudden his the best and most attentive boyfriend ever, and there's not a single thing about him that I could complain about. But I just don't feel the passion anymore.

 

It's so confusing...it's making me very anxious.

 

Counseling might help. But honestly, sometimes there just isn't that passion that was there at the beginning. Something else replaces it.

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