fall guy Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I don’t even know where to start. In our 15 year marriage, my wife has been arrested 3 times for shoplifting (all 3 times with the kids BTW) and was recently fired from her nursing job for stealing meds. She absolutely denies all of this. They were all just “misunderstandings.” I’ve had her see therapists and she convinces each and every one that these are all just coincidental occurrences, but the truth is that she’s a wreck. She’s written 40 bad checks in the past two years alone, and she just got fired again from her nursing job yesterday…3rd time in as many jobs. Then last year I find out she has been texting a man she met in a bar…1200+ times in three weeks. Again, she denies anything going on between them. According to her, it was just “conversation.” But after three months of marriage counseling and denying everything, I break into her iTunes backup and retrieve about 50 messages. Turns out she was aggressively trying to meet a married man so she could give him a blowjob! WTF? This is while she is suspended from nursing, unemployed, and while I was at work supporting her and our family! Again, she takes responsibility for NOTHING. She says everything is a misunderstanding. All she does is blames, denies, justifies and lies about everything! Our counselor is so distraught by her that he ends our counseling altogether, he tells me “It’s not working.” I don’t get it. Is this BPD or something similar? I have often suspected this but she’s seen several counselors and has convinced each of them that there is nothing wrong with her. I’m at my wits end. What do I do?
TigerCub Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 It actually sounds more like she has an addiction. Shoplifting, stealing drugs, bouncing checks.... I wouldn't doubt that she's stolen money as well. I'm so sorry that you're in such a mess. When did things start to turn that way? 1
natty moppet Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Most likely, I would say it sounds exactly like Borderline Personality Disorder with some comorbidity of addiction, or high risk behavior. Manipulation, pathological lying, and avoidance of responsibility are all hallmarks of a Borderline Personality. This disorder is difficult to treat, but intensive treatment really is the only solution-often a serious problem because the borderline person is not typically open to treatment. Sorry for your situation...you probably have a difficult road ahead. 1
Thegameoflife Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Leave. Your counselor is telling you to leave by saying "It's not working". Take the hint. It's not borderline personality disorder, because it doesn't explain her pathological lying, manipulation, and lack of remorse and accountability. Look into Anti-social personality disorder. If this is her issue, you really can't do much about it. 2
TaserTag Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 She sounds like she, at the very least, is addicted to the thrills of things like stealing & cheating. If you don't like the idea of financial ruin and being cheated on, then I agree with your counselor's sentiment that "it's not working." There isn't really anything that you can do with a person who doesn't think that there is anything wrong or anything to change. Maybe if you leave her, it will be a wake-up call for her to change and seriously look at her behavior, but I wouldn't count on that... She is putting you and your children at risk in so many ways. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this...
animalover Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 My friend... she is bad news... just drop her like a hot potato.... even the counselor has given up... and he gets paid! 2
Author fall guy Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Look into Anti-social personality disorder. If this is her issue, you really can't do much about it. I did, and WOW. Just WOW. I can't believe how well that describes her.
BetrayedH Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) You won't like this. If you want any hope of salvaging this marriage, you need to file for divorce. Yep, you read it right. People in these situations don't change until they have sufficient personal motivation to change. See an attorney. Have her served with a notice of your intent to file. Separate your finances. Make plans to physically separate. Look up the 180 and start doing it. Keep following thru until she meet your terms. Start defining your terms (things such as coming completely clean about all incidents, complete transparency with her life - it's an open book including all passwords, etc, new individual counseling for her, honest marriage counseling, etc). She becomes a new person. If she makes the changes, you can always stop the divorce proceedings. If she doesn't, you're on the way to the divorce you need. ETA: I don't care if you have kids and whatnot. She fixes herself or you remove yourself (and them) from this toxic environment to whatever extent is possible. Edited February 22, 2013 by BetrayedH 3
seibert253 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I don’t even know where to start. In our 15 year marriage, my wife has been arrested 3 times for shoplifting (all 3 times with the kids BTW) and was recently fired from her nursing job for stealing meds. She absolutely denies all of this. They were all just “misunderstandings.” I’ve had her see therapists and she convinces each and every one that these are all just coincidental occurrences, but the truth is that she’s a wreck. She’s written 40 bad checks in the past two years alone, and she just got fired again from her nursing job yesterday…3rd time in as many jobs. Then last year I find out she has been texting a man she met in a bar…1200+ times in three weeks. Again, she denies anything going on between them. According to her, it was just “conversation.” But after three months of marriage counseling and denying everything, I break into her iTunes backup and retrieve about 50 messages. Turns out she was aggressively trying to meet a married man so she could give him a blowjob! WTF? This is while she is suspended from nursing, unemployed, and while I was at work supporting her and our family! Again, she takes responsibility for NOTHING. She says everything is a misunderstanding. All she does is blames, denies, justifies and lies about everything! Our counselor is so distraught by her that he ends our counseling altogether, he tells me “It’s not working.” I don’t get it. Is this BPD or something similar? I have often suspected this but she’s seen several counselors and has convinced each of them that there is nothing wrong with her. I’m at my wits end. What do I do? Divorce her.
Thegameoflife Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I did, and WOW. Just WOW. I can't believe how well that describes her. I've had the misfortune of crossing paths with a few of these people. They seem to make everyone like them. I've left entire groups of friends to get away. The worst part is that if you go against them publicly, they will do whatever they can to prevent you from bringing them to people's attention. Be careful with how you handle this. Look at how she manipulated other counselor a, who are trained to spot these people.
lovergirl71 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 If she dont take responsibility for hers action you must ask your self; Can Ilive with a wife that doesnt take responsibility for hers action+ If no. leave her. You cant convine her to take responsibility for hers action she must wanted that for her self. Theris a very good online test you can do it´s for free lovetestnow.com Take care
Author fall guy Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 You won't like this. If you want any hope of salvaging this marriage, you need to file for divorce. Yep, you read it right. People in these situations don't change until they have sufficient personal motivation to change. See an attorney. Have her served with a notice of your intent to file. Separate your finances. Make plans to physically separate. Look up the 180 and start doing it. Keep following thru until she meet your terms. Start defining your terms (things such as coming completely clean about all incidents, complete transparency with her life - it's an open book including all passwords, etc, new individual counseling for her, honest marriage counseling, etc). She becomes a new person. If she makes the changes, you can always stop the divorce proceedings. If she doesn't, you're on the way to the divorce you need. ETA: I don't care if you have kids and whatnot. She fixes herself or you remove yourself (and them) from this toxic environment to whatever extent is possible. Good advice. As cruel and heartless as it seems, it is the right course of action and I have already started the process. THanks for the insight.
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