newurule Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Hey guys, I've been dating my girlfriend for about 9 months now and we are very much in love. We know almost everything about each other and everything has really been going well. She had always been reluctant to do two things. Firstly, she didn't want to let me physically pick her up (meaning off the ground) because she said it made her uncomfortable, and secondly there is something that we haven't really done sexually (which I won't go into to much detail about) because again she said it made her uncomfortable (it is a very normal thing just incase you're thinking it's something unusual ). The reason she gave me for not wanting to do these was a couple of bad previous experiences that she never went into very much, and she said that this would likely change over time as she became more comfortable with me. I had just accepted that and left it for the time being. However, today she told me that the reason she doesn't like either of these things is because one of her ex-boyfriends did these things with her, and these were things she specifically really liked when she was with him. However, she told me the story of how they broke up, and it was really horrible, he really hurt her. I can completely understand why she now doesn't like them. These two things that aren't really a big deal to me but the idea that these are things she did with a previous boyfriend but can't do with me because of what this ex-boyfriend did, really hurts. I really want to change the way she feels towards these things. I just need some advice on how to go about this. It's a general question about how to help my girlfriend overcome the emotional baggage from this previous relationship. The good news is that she knows I am upset about it and she told me that these things can change, and that if anyone can change her mind on this, I can. I just need some advice on how to do it. As a final note, I have done the sexual thing with her once, about 5 months ago, but she wasn't really comfortable with it. While a lot has changed with us since then, that is another thing to take into account.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I know it sucks but there is really nothing you can do.Over time she may change her mind, but you just have to respect her being uncomfortable with those things. There are things I did with my ex that I no longer do, women are more emotional when it comes to sexual things, so don't think it's you. It's like my boyfriend now, certain perfumes I own make him think of past women, it sucks because I like the perfume, bu it triggers something for him and so I don't wear it. At least rest easy knowing it isn't personal and that it is normal.
TaraMaiden Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 One is oral sex. I bet. And two - she has to be the one to change, you can't change her. All you can do is show her, demonstrably, that you are trustworthy, loving, loyal and that you won't abuse her trust. Tell her you completely understand and that if ever she feels she might like to change her mind - and when and if that happens, is up to her - then you will do everything at her behest, direction and under her control. Suggest therapy. But other than that, accommodate her and be loyal and understanding.
Ladybugz Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 dude you cant help no gf. you need to start respecting peoples limits. like you did not respect her even when you did not know it was about her ex. why do you focus so much on especially the things she dont want. why dont you focus on the 10000000000 thing both of you can do and like and also that doesn't involve sex. and emotional pain is personal so you cant force or do stuff to make her heal/ leave her alone. beside is that how you handle the truth? maybe she should lie to you.? maybe then you would be more happy....? tell her you dont like her motivation and move on. at the end she dont like it and if you force it it will be rape. so leave it or break up
Author newurule Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Ladybugz, I think you misunderstand me. There is never going to be any forcing involved here. I want to try to help her get over these problems, not force her to get over them. She also wants them to go away, she wishes they weren't there. If she didn't want to try and change, I would leave it. I love my girlfriend very much and I would never force her to do anything. I have always respected her, and I didn't push for a reason when she said she didn't like those things. I am not reacting negatively to this, I know very well I can't change her past. However if she wants to get rid of these things and she tells me that I am the one that can do it, I am going to try and that's why I want help. TaraMaiden, suggesting therapy is out of the question. If it was something she brought up and wanted to do, I would support her, but I would never suggest the idea to her. There isn't anything wrong with her, she just has some issues left over from previous relationships. Otherwise thanks for the help Oh and you're right, it is oral sex. But it probably isn't what you're thinking, she is fine with giving, she has a problem with receiving. miss_jaclynrae, thanks for the reply. I understand it's normal but both me and her have a strong belief that her feelings can change on this, and she believes that that they can change by me doing or saying certain things, not just by letting it change over time. I just need to figure out what these things I need to say or do are.
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