Having one of those days...so rant time!

[2sunny]

She throws these in your face to deflect her bad behavior - and you buy into it when you feel guilty.

 

The dreams are because she hasn't done ANY of the hard work to repair the damage she caused!

 

When are YOU going to REQUIRE her to do the heavy lifting it takes to recover a M from her cheating? She's had PLENTY of time to do it - yet she still ONLY thinks of herself!

 

IF your W was DOING everything in her power to EARN your trust back and make amends to you by setting things right - she would be thinking ONLY of your feelings - but she's not!

 

She hasn't done the work to change a thing. I wouldn't be surprised if she's still cheating.

 

You are acting like a doormat who's begging for more torture.

 

Quit bowing down to her - she should be bowing down to you AND kissing YOUR a$$!!!

Edited February 25, 2013 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

Thanks SR. You talk about being happily M and her being the perfect woman but you mention catching her cheating 3 weeks after you proposed? Am I misreading that? I'm wondering if I'm misunderstanding and you found out later that she was cheating and it went back to the time right after you proposed.

 

I really have to wonder why you'd stay with her either way? When you caught her isn't nearly as important as the fact she cheated before you were even M. It's caused you immense pain and I'm with drifter. Your resentment seems to be leaking out. You deserve to have the resentment but you don't deserve to be destroyed by it.

 

He knew she was a cheat - and he overlooked it. He needed to lie to himself to believe it was perfect.

 

His wife has lied for so long - I'm sure he's never gotten any truth.

 

And she still hasn't changed - he spoils her while she stabs him in the back; yet he fails to admit to himself what's really going on - there is no M because here's never been honesty= so there's no foundation from which to build the relationship - yet he still rewards her bad behavior by care taking more and long back rubs for her.

 

It's just pathetic and desperate to me that you embarrass yourself by being so needy with a liar and a cheat.

[Just a Guy]

Why are you folk even bothering commenting? Smoke and Lonely are two of a kind. Nothing is going to change for them because they are changing nothing, simple.

[2sunny]

Your wife stomps all over you - because you invite her to.

 

She acts like a cheating @itch and you hold her and give back rubs.

 

She's an adult - who should be perfectly CAPABLE of tending to her medicine and well being!

 

She acts helpless when she's GUILTY because then YOU are too busy FIXING her to notice she's not doing what she should be doing!

[BrokenPrincess]

Smoke, your posts really seemed laced with severe anger and resentment. Everything you've said is about how you're a perfect husband, dedicated caregiver, poor you, but hisssssss the venom underneath

 

Are you seriously complimenting your wife 20-30 times a day, giving her 1-2hour backrubs, and chasing her around for sex every night? Maybe I've been married too long but I have no idea how that is all even possible.

 

And if you are, I agree you should try scaling back because you are so resentful that she doesn't match you tit-for-tat.

 

I'm not well versed on Love Languages but it seems the things you do for each other don't seem to be meeting the other ones needs. Is it possible that your wife IS doing or saying things to show her love, but maybe differently than your displays of affection?

[RickFox]

Good lord Betrayed, that is a loaded question.

 

Chances are both of them are already dead. Considering a common house fire, basic fire load and Class A combustables. Smoke depending on the insultation, could be giving off a plethora of asphyxiant gases.

 

Chances are, we'd manage to get both people out, since it's a 2 in 2 out rule. It would come down to my orders, which are always get downed firefighters out first. Everyone else is second. That's an order, not an option. Now, that order could be bent slightly, if my buddy thinks he can pick up and carry/drag the other FF out by himself, then I could tend to my wife.

 

Now if FF buddy picks up the other downed firefighter, and gets injured, or goes down himself. I'm fudged. Because now, instead of two patients, I'll have three patients, plus myself and another two FF's RIT'ing to get all of us out.

 

I get where you are coming from and until a situation like this presents itself, I'll never know how I will react. I hope that my training holds steady and I what I am ordered to do.

 

Hey hose dragger, you think too much, it's a simple question. One that does not require analysis, it's a simple answer to a simple question. When you arrive on scene, you don't analyze the damn fire and try to find the point of origin, you just do your job. The answer is simply, I save my wife. That's all she needed to hear, that's all you needed to say, the technicality of it all can be thrown out the window.

[SmokeRat]

@ RickFox;

 

I'm not sure what Dept. your on, but when I go into a building, you can sure as hell I am trying to find that point of origin (as I am attacking).

 

I get where everyone is coming from. Yes it was a stupid thing to say to my wife. But she knows, and has known since she met me, that I'm blunt, politically incorrect and view the world as a rather black and white thing (with very few shades of grey, definetly not 50, ha).

 

We did the Love Languages thing with our initial therapist, and she's an emotional sponge. Anything and everything she can get, she wants. Me, I'm almost entirely of the sexual language, the more sex I get, the more empathetic I become.

 

As for the compliments and body massages, yes she gets those, every night like clockwork. It helps with her neuropathy, and seems to calm down the muscle spasms. Otherwise, it's 5-6 Motrin and me carrying her up the stairs to go sleepyland.

 

She does things to show me she loves me, and I acknowledge then. Weekly she makes the tasty treats I like, and makes sure to throw in an extra stick of butter (because it's healthier that way).

 

We had a sit down chat last night after I finished by shift, and I just told her that I was sad, not upset, just deeply sad because the lack of respect she showed towards me was monumental. As soon I brought that up, and questioned why she accepted the ring, and then the marriage, she got defensive and shut down. After about 20 minutes of questions and getting some answers, she just said she's had as much as she can take with me asking things, and that's all she'd tolerate for the evening.

 

So it's frustrating when she acts like that. I'm trying to curb my resentment for her, and be the bigger person. Regardless of that, when she went to bed, I came upstairs shortly after and gave her about 20 minutes of backrubs. I did this because I'm not going to go to bed angry, I do not want to go to work tomorrow and that be the day I meet the Fire God's and be angry still.

 

I'm in serious talks with my lawyer and we're going over options and whatnot. My lawyer is still pushing for reconciliation before he gets serious about moving papers towards the court, which suprised me, as I figured he'd want to push papers are fast as possible to get more money from me =p.

 

I offered my wife an open relationship last night as well, I was open and honest with her, that if she had these urges and couldn't control them, then tell me. Don't lie to me, don't rugsweep and gaslight, just tell me. If you want an open marriage, then fine, we can keep the house and all the fixings, and we can see different people. She shot that idea down, as she would prefer I'd have an affair, as she would never want to know I was sleeping with another person.

 

I'd like to reinterate, that I appreciate everyone's input. Even those that have been brutally honest. I believe that brutally honest view point is coming from people that have been directly where I am, and can clearly see the mistakes I am making. For that, thank you friends.

 

Divorce isn't off the table, and she's been given more chances than any person should have given the circumstances. And call it a symptom of White Knight Syndrome, but I just cannot bring myself to end it just yet.

 

Yes there is a lot of resentment and venom that I push on my wife. I am trying to stop that, I'm trying to let this go and move on from it. Some of that resentment is due to the fact that she doesn't do the tit for tat thing. I've always been a very giving person, of my time, of my person and all that. I do not ask for much out of any relationship I am in, I simply want the following:

 

-100% blind loyal fidelity, which in turn I equally give.

-Honesty

-Intimacy on a regular basis

 

-Maybe feed me from time to time, eitherwise I may revert to my college/university years of Mac n Cheese with hotdogs and ketchup.

[SmokeRat]

One more thing @ RickFox;

 

I haven't heard hose dragger in a long time, actually, since I was a probational! Appreciate the compliment, reminds me of all the hazing I used to get when I was new lol!

[road]

@ RickFox;

 

 

We had a sit down chat last night after I finished by shift, and I just told her that I was sad, not upset, just deeply sad because the lack of respect she showed towards me was monumental. As soon I brought that up, and questioned why she accepted the ring, and then the marriage, she got defensive and shut down. After about 20 minutes of questions and getting some answers, she just said she's had as much as she can take with me asking things, and that's all she'd tolerate for the evening.

 

Yes there is a lot of resentment and venom that I push on my wife.

 

 

Talking about the affair all the time does not let you or your WW heal.

 

Talking about the affair is for one reason. For the BS to learn all about the affair that they desire. Then using that info to make important decisions.

 

You asking questions about rings and stuff is not for your to learn details about the affair but to rub her affair in her face. That is not helping or healing.

 

Asking why a WS never yields an answer that is worth while.

 

You are hurt.

 

Acting like a child instead of an adult is not helping you or your WW.

 

So to your inner child, Stop that now.

[SmokeRat]

I disagree with that post Road.

 

I'm asking my wife, why, if she had deep feelings for this OM, did she want to be engaged to me, and subsequently, become married. What purpose, beyond a selfish self preservation, would be go through the entire process.

 

I believe a mature adult, should be able to come up with a reason. Whether that be that's she's selfish, or has serious issues.

 

All I get however is anger and sulking. That's doesn't help me move past it, because I do not have the answers I need to move past it.

 

I want to know WHY, HOW and WHEN. The reason I ask so many questions, is to find out the real reasons. With that, I can make an educated choice, as to whether my wife is truely remorseful and I should stay, or she's just a selfish, amoral person and I should leave.

 

If the roles were switched, you can bet your arse that I would be 110% honest with my spouse. Any and all questions would be answered when they were asked, and I would leave nothing to guess.

[2sunny]

What, exactly, is your wife doing to repair the damage SHE caused?

[SmokeRat]

She honestly doesn't know what SHE can do.

 

She stays home more often, doesn't go out with a lot of her friends (which I have a hand in, since most of the friends she was going out with are 18-19 year old females, a reminder my wife is 30). She's admitted to me she feels trapped and is upset that when she started dating me, she gave up all her party friends and that lifestyle.

 

I've reminder her, that was her choice. When we first started dating, I was never a big supporter of the party/club scene. That just wasn't me. I went out a few times with her, but it just wasn't for me. I'm more introverted and prefer a quiet warm pub with 2 or 3 friends and shooting the breeze.

 

So she has brought that up before, that she changed her entire lifestyle to be with me, and I should be grateful. I, point out however, that she hasn't changed her lifestyle, she just took it underground.

 

I've told her, that if she wants to go out and party, go ahead as I will not stop you. But keep in mind you are married, you are 30 and has duties that come with maturity. One of which, is to honour and abide by the marriage you signed up for.

 

I've never been the overly social person when we do go out with her friends. She always brags that her husband is a firefighter and blah blah blah, but I do not really like to discuss what I do with her friends. They do not understand that's it is not like Hollywood, even when I have tried. It's funny how she broadcasts it in public, but when we get home, she could care less what I do.

 

Again, what is she doing. I can't even tell you, maybe because I haven't fully forgiven her. She accounts for where she is, offers me her phone when I want it, I have all her passwords and whatnot, but for me it just doesn't seem right still. Maybe it is because of the continued lies and whatnot for two years.

 

Maybe because of my hurt and anger, I am not giving her a chance to repair the damage. A start would be to tell me ALL the details, right down to the nitty gritty. But, she refuses to discuss this and refuses to relive the memories, because they are in the past and she doesn't see how it would make anything better.

[RickFox]

@ RickFox;

 

I'm not sure what Dept. your on, but when I go into a building, you can sure as hell I am trying to find that point of origin (as I am attacking).

 

I get where everyone is coming from. Yes it was a stupid thing to say to my wife. But she knows, and has known since she met me, that I'm blunt, politically incorrect and view the world as a rather black and white thing (with very few shades of grey, definetly not 50, ha).

 

We did the Love Languages thing with our initial therapist, and she's an emotional sponge. Anything and everything she can get, she wants. Me, I'm almost entirely of the sexual language, the more sex I get, the more empathetic I become.

 

As for the compliments and body massages, yes she gets those, every night like clockwork. It helps with her neuropathy, and seems to calm down the muscle spasms. Otherwise, it's 5-6 Motrin and me carrying her up the stairs to go sleepyland.

 

She does things to show me she loves me, and I acknowledge then. Weekly she makes the tasty treats I like, and makes sure to throw in an extra stick of butter (because it's healthier that way).

 

We had a sit down chat last night after I finished by shift, and I just told her that I was sad, not upset, just deeply sad because the lack of respect she showed towards me was monumental. As soon I brought that up, and questioned why she accepted the ring, and then the marriage, she got defensive and shut down. After about 20 minutes of questions and getting some answers, she just said she's had as much as she can take with me asking things, and that's all she'd tolerate for the evening.

 

So it's frustrating when she acts like that. I'm trying to curb my resentment for her, and be the bigger person. Regardless of that, when she went to bed, I came upstairs shortly after and gave her about 20 minutes of backrubs. I did this because I'm not going to go to bed angry, I do not want to go to work tomorrow and that be the day I meet the Fire God's and be angry still.

 

I'm in serious talks with my lawyer and we're going over options and whatnot. My lawyer is still pushing for reconciliation before he gets serious about moving papers towards the court, which suprised me, as I figured he'd want to push papers are fast as possible to get more money from me =p.

 

I offered my wife an open relationship last night as well, I was open and honest with her, that if she had these urges and couldn't control them, then tell me. Don't lie to me, don't rugsweep and gaslight, just tell me. If you want an open marriage, then fine, we can keep the house and all the fixings, and we can see different people. She shot that idea down, as she would prefer I'd have an affair, as she would never want to know I was sleeping with another person.

 

I'd like to reinterate, that I appreciate everyone's input. Even those that have been brutally honest. I believe that brutally honest view point is coming from people that have been directly where I am, and can clearly see the mistakes I am making. For that, thank you friends.

 

Divorce isn't off the table, and she's been given more chances than any person should have given the circumstances. And call it a symptom of White Knight Syndrome, but I just cannot bring myself to end it just yet.

 

Yes there is a lot of resentment and venom that I push on my wife. I am trying to stop that, I'm trying to let this go and move on from it. Some of that resentment is due to the fact that she doesn't do the tit for tat thing. I've always been a very giving person, of my time, of my person and all that. I do not ask for much out of any relationship I am in, I simply want the following:

 

-100% blind loyal fidelity, which in turn I equally give.

-Honesty

-Intimacy on a regular basis

 

-Maybe feed me from time to time, eitherwise I may revert to my college/university years of Mac n Cheese with hotdogs and ketchup.

 

Ok puddle monkey, I'm not a firefighter, I'm the one everyone loves to hate (we dont get love like y'all do) but my point is/was, don't approach your relationship like you do your job.

 

I may have screwed up my relationship but in that screw up, I've learned quite a bit. I think you understand what I and everyone else is saying though. And reading your last post, I understand what you are looking for, my W asked the same of me after my A. I was honest with her, and have been honest with her but I never told her I felt trapped. My A started after I was injured on the job and a friendship blossomed with 'friends' of ours. Well, just the W.

 

If I told my W I was feeling trapped and made it sound like I gave everything up for her and that she should be thankful for my sacrifice, she would tell me that she was releasing me. She wouldn't want me here if I felt trapped or felt I owed her. So maybe, you lay the cards on the table and tell her how important EVERYTHING is and if she can't or won't go there, release her until so she realizes what's important to her. There's no easy answer.

 

Also by the way, I don't think youll be able to find the true point of origin until after the fire is extinguished, hence, your arson investigators.

Edited February 26, 2013 by RickFox

[road]

I disagree with that post Road.

 

I'm asking my wife, why, if she had deep feelings for this OM, did she want to be engaged to me, and subsequently, become married. What purpose, beyond a selfish self preservation, would be go through the entire process.

 

I believe a mature adult, should be able to come up with a reason. Whether that be that's she's selfish, or has serious issues.

 

All I get however is anger and sulking. That's doesn't help me move past it, because I do not have the answers I need to move past it.

 

I want to know WHY, HOW and WHEN. The reason I ask so many questions, is to find out the real reasons. With that, I can make an educated choice, as to whether my wife is truely remorseful and I should stay, or she's just a selfish, amoral person and I should leave.

 

If the roles were switched, you can bet your arse that I would be 110% honest with my spouse. Any and all questions would be answered when they were asked, and I would leave nothing to guess.

 

 

You have been here since January.

 

I have been on infidelity forums for at least 10 years.

 

I have issues from what happened over 30 years ago.

 

My wife has been the Champion of witholding the story from me.

 

Being I have been around this stuff more then January 2013. I can speak with confidence that there will never be a satisfactory answer to why a WS banged their AP.

 

They did it because they had the opportunity and wanted to. So forget the why.

 

However I support the BS to get the Who, what, where, when, and how answered fully by their WS.

 

However for a WS to want to be open and truthful the BS has to make the WS feel safe to answer the BS's questions.

 

Expressing anger upon hearing answers will only make the WS want to shut down and not talk about the affair.

 

Example:

BS did you use condoms?

WS No

BS we must take STD tests ASAP.

BS I am sadden that you did not use protection to protect us and glad that you did not get pregnant

WS I know, maybe a WS then would throw in a I'm sorry.

 

Ws is left in a state to continue answering questions.

But when a BS say's:

 

BS What, you let the OM ride you bareback. You stupid slut. What were you thinking? Did you secretly hope the OM knocked you up?

 

Now on the other hand this talking about the affair was made extra unsettling and the BS can't see why the WS shuts down and refused to take about the affair any more.

 

Remember who, what, when, where, how, and forget the why.

[2sunny]

You get anger and sulking because YOU ALLOW it ALL by rewarding her bad behavior. Giving back rubs and cow towing to her isn't the way for her to KNOW and feel the pain of what SHE created!

 

IF she had REAL consequences that hurt - like throwing her a$$ out immediately to fend for herself without any money or help from you - THEN and ONLY then might she realize she needs to change!

 

Stop helping her cheat more!

 

She's wiping her feet on your face and you're asking for more - just stop it! Where's your self respect man? She's not changed and she doesn't intend to change!

 

Stop being so damn nice to her! She's eating you alive!

[jnel921]

You get anger and sulking because YOU ALLOW it ALL by rewarding her bad behavior. Giving back rubs and cow towing to her isn't the way for her to KNOW and feel the pain of what SHE created!

 

IF she had REAL consequences that hurt - like throwing her a$$ out immediately to fend for herself without any money or help from you - THEN and ONLY then might she realize she needs to change!

 

Stop helping her cheat more!

 

She's wiping her feet on your face and you're asking for more - just stop it! Where's your self respect man? She's not changed and she doesn't intend to change!

 

Stop being so damn nice to her! She's eating you alive!

 

Smokerat, I agree with 2Sunny.

 

I know you said this was a rant, but I think there are still unresolved issues.

Our MC advised us to be open and honest and he old my H to answer my every question even if it is 100 times. He warned him of my emotions and he told me that he may resist but that I have to remind him of the end result.

 

I have to admit, I stopped doing anything special for my H. I haven't said I love you since last year. there is a lot of work yet left to be done before he can convince me or make me feel 100 percent about our marriage and relationship again.

 

I know you are a proud FF. My H is a Police Officer, so the crazy hours and schedules I feel play a part in some of the issues.

 

It sounds like you need to work on releasing your anger too. I have been there too. I really wanted to kill my first H and his OW. Then I had to come back to reality and realize what the consequences would mean.

 

No one is worth that. There is a poster here who always notes that a R can only work when you have a willing BS and a remorseful spouse. Her refusal and shutting down on you isn't good and I can't see how it will help you get through your own pain.

 

Stay Safe!

[2sunny]

At R is built on truth...without it - there's nothing to work with.

 

She's still lying, covering up and minimizing. She's refusing to acknowledge how much pain she's caused you. A d now, she hasn't done the hard work with a counselor to look AT HERSELF AND HER BAD BEHAVIOR!

 

More than that - she hasn't gotten to a kind and loving place with you - by restoring YOUR PEACE OF MIND. She hasn't! And for all of those reasons...

 

I'd bet money she's just still cheating.

 

She is! Otherwise shed be doing EVERYTHING completely different! But she's not! And that just means that she's still thinking of herself way more than she's thinking of you. And THAT'S NOT LOVE!

 

When she puts YOU and YOUR FEELINGS first- then you might be making progress - but she's had no consequences - so she's not motivated at all to change herself.

 

So - the one to change things is YOU!

 

I know what I'd do (and did do) - but since you haven't asked I won't say.

 

Maybe start by requiring HER to give YOU a BACKRUB every night you're home! That's a start!

[road]

No, no, no, no, NO! It's very very important to have open communication after an affair, and it's especially important for the BS's healing to be able to ask questions.

 

Discussion is not unhealthy at all.

 

 

Once all of the BS's questions have been answered, clarification on the answers, comparing an answer from last week to the answer given today to see if the answers changed, the point to talk about the affair after all there to be told has been told asking questions and continued talking about the affair stops the healing process.

 

So ask the Who, what, when, where, how, all the BH wants.

 

Do not bother with asking: Why. There is never a good answer. What ever is told accomplishes nothing.

 

Evidently you have not read all of my posts on this subject.

[SmokeRat]

Appreciate all the input!

 

I believe I'll never get the truth on the why, I'll just chock it up to a complete lack of respect and selfishness. Leave it at that.

 

I know the who, what, when, where and how.

 

I do have a lot of anger. I really do. That night I came home after the accident involving the death of a child, made me realize that could be me. Could be me today, or it could be me tomorrow. It's that simple. That was my first deceased child under the age of 4.

 

So when I came home, I was emotionally shaken. I just wanted to come home and pour a glass of scotch and sit on the couch with my wife. But walking in and finding her with another man, just was anger X infinity.

 

It will be an interesting week once March break comes along. She has the entire week off since she's a teacher, and he (the OM) also has it off as they share a profession. I'll be away all week as I'm teaching a course on Confined Space and HUSAR Debris Navigation, about 4 hours away.

 

It is very unsettling, knowing the OM lives about 5-10 minutes away and I'll be gone. I've told my wife there isn't anything I can do, I just have to trust her. Which is difficult.

 

She's not all that happy that I'm going away for all of March break, and she's very unhappy about the danger waver I had to sign when I signed up to teach this course.

 

On a side note, my department is going to collapse an old three story apartment building on top of some rescue dummies. Subsequently, we get to crawl through a collapsed building and rescue said dummies.

 

So, being away for a week when the Wolf is so close to the Sheep, is unpleasant. But if I cannot just trust her this once, then I already know the outcome of our marriage.

 

This saturday coming, March 2nd is it, will be the first weekend I actually leave the house and not due to work. I called up my best friend and we're going to go and hit up some old abandoned shaft mines the Dept uses for rappel and rescue. Going to teach him how to do pick off rescues and whatnot, so it'll be a day to do something I really enjoy.

 

If she decides to have Douchebag McGee over while I'm out, then I have no control over it.

 

I think what I need to drill into my head, is that I have no control, I never did and I never will. And the sooner I realize and accept that, the faster I can heal.

[2sunny]

You don't have control over her.

 

You have control over what YOU do or don't do.

 

By doing nothing to change it for yourself - it makes you look like a wussy.

 

Doing nothing IS actually doing something - and it's VERY passive aggressive when you know it all makes you angry - yet you sit there complaining about it while acting all lovey with her. Stop cow towing to her!

 

You didn't answer my prior post - can you address the issues I brought up?

[SmokeRat]

Sorry sunny, had to go back through the thread and see everything you wrote.

 

You're correct about the control side of things, I have no control over her. And yes, I do have control over what I do.

 

I've decided to stay with her, and try and make things work. She has decided the same, as I've given her every opportunity to leave and be with the OM. But that would require her get through the OM's wife first, whom made it very clear, she'd end my wife's life if she catches them.

 

So what is my wife doing?

 

She has been very open with where she is, why she's there, who she's with, and so forth. If I want to see her phone, all I need to do is ask, and she'll hand it over. Therapy is still in the works, since she gets to see a specialist that deals with diabetics who do these sorts of things. Apparently, diabetic patients are more apt to have affairs, who knew.

 

She is trying, I wil give her that. And I'm not making it easy for her, it's hard to, since I'm still angry.

 

But I've given up on working on her, that's her job. I can't change her. So, I'll start working on me more, in the event things go south, I want to make sure I'm ready for that.

 

Started stashing money away, with the end goal of knowing I can immediately move out and afford my own place and all that goes with it. I'm starting to stop myself from asking who she is talking to on her phone, and just trying to trust her. Working out more, getting out with some friends more often.

 

Right now it is difficult to be hard on her, because her health isn't all that great right now. Between her seasonal affective disorder and this cold weather (which her diabetic neuropathy just loves!), she isn't all that mobile or lovey.

 

I've started to just do things on my own. When I get home, and I ask if she wants dinner, if she says no I'll just make dinner for myself. She got upset about that once, and I just looked at her and said, "I asked you if you wanted dinner, you said no. I'm not going to go hungry just because you aren't right now." Left it at that.

 

I'm going to go off to my Texas training soon enough, and I'll be going in with a clear head. If she decides to continue to see the OM, I very much believe the OM's wife will go postal, she's made that very, very clear to myself and my wife. At that point, if she wants to continue I will not interfere, I'll simply leave and distance myself from what will turn into a violent situation.

 

My wife wants to risk getting mauled, she's free to do so. I wouldn't for a second think to stop the OM's wife. A line has been drawn in the sand, by the OM's wife and by myself, that if they continue having an affair, then I wash my hands and let that crazy spouse do whatever she wants.

 

My wife has everything to lose by continuing. I really have nothing to lose, except some wasted time and few dollars with paperwork and legalities.

 

But back to the original point, my wife is trying. She is making an effort, but some days she drags her feet (and mostly because of her health). Those days I just have to relent and make sure she doesn't kick the bucket in our house.

 

My wife is aware I am not a doormat anymore, she knows I wouldn't step in if the OM's wife decided to go nutty, and so she knows things will get serious very quickly. The OM also knows to keep his distance from my wife, because of how quickly his children would be involved. Having his eldest son's fire application pulled out of the pool, after he learned what his father did, ruined that father/son relationship. His son is welcome to another department, just not ours. His scores are high enough, that another city/town will grab him.

 

His daughter, when she found out, heavily OD'd on some pills. And has continued to threaten to kill herself because of what he's done to their family.

 

I can only imagine the backlash of his wife, if that little girl actually managed to kill herself. Nevermind the social stigma, since everyone and their dog knows why she tried to off herself in the first place. All over facebook and twitter.

 

My wife is honestly filled with shame over what she did, and she cannot avoid it. When she goes to work, people know. The grocery store, restaurants, the mall and even the people in her favorite tea store know about it. She's treated much differently now, then before people knew.

 

Not only does she have to redeem herself for me, she has to do it for everyone that knows about it.

 

She's trying, and whether she passes or fails, we'll see. Until then, I figure the most important thing for me to try and move past it, get in control of my emotions again, stop the mental mind movies and know that if it goes south, I'll survive and do better.

[2sunny]

Is your wife seeing a counselor every week to work on changing HERSELF?

 

And stop giving back rubs etc! She should be giving YOU anything and everything - IF she's willing to fix the M.

 

If needed for therapy - she can schedule an appt every week for a massage.

[SmokeRat]

She will start get counselling, I believe in two weeks once she gets the Diabetes Therapist.

They will sort out her health issues and through that, she'll have to go through intensive therapy due to all the damage she's caused herself through neglect of her disease.

 

The doctor has stated they may, depending on how much help she needs, be sending her off to a cleansing therapy addiction center thingy (you get the point) for a 6 week detox and personal therapy. Again, that depends on what the Diabetes Therapist and the Doctor figure out during their sessions with her.

[2sunny]

She will start get counselling, I believe in two weeks once she gets the Diabetes Therapist.

They will sort out her health issues and through that, she'll have to go through intensive therapy due to all the damage she's caused herself through neglect of her disease.

 

The doctor has stated they may, depending on how much help she needs, be sending her off to a cleansing therapy addiction center thingy (you get the point) for a 6 week detox and personal therapy. Again, that depends on what the Diabetes Therapist and the Doctor figure out during their sessions with her.

 

Is she that infantile that she can't follow her instructions?

 

An individual counselor - there's not one single reason why she can't/won't go now. She should have been going all along. This may be her problem - she doesn't DO what SHE needs to DO to change everything.

 

I caution you - going away for 6 weeks won't change a thing if she's not WILLING to change HERSELF!

[Decorative]

I have tried to figure out a gentle way to ask this.

 

If your wife has a college education, and holds a job, she's a teacher, right?

 

Why can she not care for herself and her medical condition ?

 

I don't understand?

 

She had enough energy and ability to plot the affair. Why can't she take care of her health?

 

I think you sound like a great guy. And she is using you, and the hero in you wants to rescue you.

 

I am just thinking that at this point, she's not the one who needs rescuing. You need a breath and space, and time to recognize how unhealthy this is.

 

And I know it's awful and painful.

 

But you deserve so much better.