Having one of those days...so rant time!

[SmokeRat]

I'm here to rant, so feel free to simply read, disregard, or comment.

 

The last two days have been brutal emotionally and physically. My wife had been over the moon happy, for reasons unknown to me. Although I suspect it's because she believes we're moving in the right direction to heal from her infidelity.

 

Between work, which this week has not be pleasant, as we've had three deaths ( one including a child ), and an arson (which are never fun because of how careful you need to be with potential evidence). So it's been one of those weeks that I just want to come home and be comforted, and blow off steam.

 

But my wife is rather ill this week with a cold, and she missed her diabetes appointment due to weather. So I've had to play doctor this week, as soon as I get home. Couple that with two nights so far of recurring nightmares about her and the OM, and she hasn't been the nicest lady to live with, since any time I bring up my dreams or concerns, she either shuts up, shuts down or get angry.

 

The first dream, my chief handed me a Halligan Tool after I found my wife and OM in my Engine 7, and told the rest of the company to look away while I did a real man's work. I subsequently beat him near to death before waking up and going for a jog around the station to blow off some steam.

 

The second dream, I caught them again in the house. I do not remember much of the dream, but I do remember beating him so badly that the cranial damage was to the point he was dead. And I also remember my wife screaming at me about how bad a person I was.

 

Anyone else have these reoccuring dreams, perhaps not to the level of mine, but ones that just seem to pop up all the time? It's hard because the set back is brutal, and all it does is allow me to sift through the rubble more. Ultimately it does harm the R process, since it annoys my wife.

 

As well, she brought up an old questions she asked me years ago, that she likes to beat me over the head with:

 

If there was a fire in our house, and you were called to do a S&R (search and rescue), and during that S&R, one of your buddies went down in front of you, but just beyond him, you saw me laying on the ground, who would you rescue first?

 

Loaded question, but I answered as such:

 

I would rescue my fellow firefighter first. There is logic behind this. If you've already collapsed, chances are you are unconcious, which means a lack of oxygen to the brain. 3 minutes tops and there is already damage. As well, my buddy that is laying on the floor is in full PPE, chances are if I grab him, he'll live. Chances are if I grab you, he dies and chances are you're also dead. We grab and go with people we know, we can possibly save. We risk a lot to save a lot, risk a little to save a little.

 

Boy, did she ever go off the handle after that. I still haven't lived that down. She also knows, that as soon as I call in a MayDay for a man down, my report to the IC would clearly state:

 

FF 1 to IC; MayDay, MayDay. FF John down, removing FF john. Request immediately medical assistance. Please note, we have a female also down in the main hallway, request immediate RIT for removal; medical assistance is needed.

 

So as soon as I start to remove my buddy, a two person RIT will be in right behind me to grab her.

 

It's been three years since that conversation, and she still likes to slap me around with it now and again.

 

RANT OVER

[Keenly]

thats pretty unhealthy for her to throw something in your face 3 years later...

[SmokeRat]

She likens it to me bringing up her affair. Which to a certain point, I agree. To heal, I have to learn to not throw it back at her, and beat her over the head with it.

 

Although when she brings up what I like to call the Koyashi Maru scenario, it's hard to not bring up the affair in retort.

 

I've also tried to explain to her, that if I stepped over my fallen brother/sister, to extract my wife, that's a major conflict of interest. I wouldn't lose my job, but if my brother/sister died as a result of my actions, there could be legal consequences.

 

I've also told her, that the likelihood of our house being involved in a fire that she couldn't handle, is slim. Hell, I've installed a private sprinkler system in our house, and every floor has two ABC extinguishers and two pony-packs (one in the bedroom and one in the living room) with a 10 minute air supply.

 

But I digress, I just needed to rant. Mainly about the dreams, and the inability of my wife to listen to me when I need to rant about them.

[Cali408]

Chalk it up to a rough week. I want to thank you today, Smoke Rat. Sometimes you come off a little too much with the FF stuff. Then, I read today about the 3 deaths including the child. I wouldn't want your job for the world and reading about your week, I appreciate and feel for your situation and the need to rant.

 

Rant away, but try and forgive your wife if you want her. Don't answer that question anymore. You're a stronger person than she is. I hope things get better for you.

[SmokeRat]

Oh I avoid that question like the plague. But she doesn't ask it anymore, she meerly brings it up and points out that a firefighter is more important than my wife.

 

The question was loaded, because so many factors go into a search and rescue. Is the building stable? How developed is the fire? What colour is the smoke? Is the smoke 'breathing" (which could indicate an oxygen def. atmosphere, and subsequently, introducing oxygen could result in a backdraft, which very bad)? How long has the fire been burning? And so on, it's endless. It's not like we just arrive on scene and go charging in like they show on TV and movies.

 

She knows all this, but just gave me a loaded question years ago to gauge my answer. I wouldn't be suprised if she still resents the answer I gave her.

 

It's pointless to really bring up the topics at work, because obviously, everyone there has a bias against my wife. At most they will listen to me rant, and point out that I'm still young and can obviously do better. Then someone will spout off about how awesome we are, blah blah blah. Then one of the seniors will go off on that person and food fights ensue.

 

I'm not even kidding....

[96nole]

Oh I avoid that question like the plague. But she doesn't ask it anymore, she meerly brings it up and points out that a firefighter is more important than my wife.

 

The question was loaded, because so many factors go into a search and rescue. Is the building stable? How developed is the fire? What colour is the smoke? Is the smoke 'breathing" (which could indicate an oxygen def. atmosphere, and subsequently, introducing oxygen could result in a backdraft, which very bad)? How long has the fire been burning? And so on, it's endless. It's not like we just arrive on scene and go charging in like they show on TV and movies.

 

She knows all this, but just gave me a loaded question years ago to gauge my answer. I wouldn't be suprised if she still resents the answer I gave her.

 

It's pointless to really bring up the topics at work, because obviously, everyone there has a bias against my wife. At most they will listen to me rant, and point out that I'm still young and can obviously do better. Then someone will spout off about how awesome we are, blah blah blah. Then one of the seniors will go off on that person and food fights ensue.

 

I'm not even kidding....

 

If she asks the question again, tell her you'll save her first. If it happens in real life, save your buddy first.

 

If it happens in real life, after you found out she's still lying and being with the OM, then save your buddy first and throw gasoline in her direction. (OK that's mean but it made me chuckle.)

[jwi71]

 

She knows all this, but just gave me a loaded question years ago to gauge my answer. I wouldn't be suprised if she still resents the answer I gave her.

 

 

You dolt. I have TONS of empathy and sympathy for your current plight - but this was stupid. Capital S stupid.

 

I'm sure I'm not the first to tell you that. But seriously...lie your azz off when the W asks some dumb Q. I sure do. And be sincere about it. Sincerely lie.

 

You need to learn how to twist these things to your advantage.

 

Husband: Do you want to make love?

Wife: No.

Husband: Did you hear what I just said?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: What did I say?

Wife: Do you want to make love?

Husband: If you insist

 

[SmokeRat]

Oh she already knows the answer, she got it years ago, it just burns (ha) her bottom to know that someone would choose a co-worker over their spouse. Wait, isn't that what she did to me, choose a co-worker over me. =p

 

Jokes aside.

 

Gasoline is a bad choice, as it's vapour density allows it be silly flammable. Nevermind the backdraft it would cause. I mean, who wouldn't be worried about a person, nevermind a FF, walking into a burning building with a can o gas.

[Spark1111]

Tell her you would crawl through the fire to save her first because she is the most important person in the world to you.

 

Your wife is seeking validation FROM YOU. She WANTS to hear she is the most important thing in your life. Now, maybe you show it by your actions, but women need to HEAR this.

 

The dreams are crazy making and do set you back to zero. In time, they fade.

 

Look, you have to heal from the affair, but you also have to examine why your fWS had one in the first place. What are her vulnerabilities? What are your's?

 

This is how you build a stronger marriage. I think you need respect and aprreciation for what you do. Tell her!

 

I think she wants to feel like the most important thing in your life, more so than the job. Tell her she is that to you.

 

And you need to, to the best of your ability, walk in the door after work, and be happy to see her! Hug her! Cherish her! You both need to be each other's safe haven from all the stresses of the outside world.

 

I know a lot of guys on the job, and their wives. I know how sad, depressing and crazy the job can make you. And distant. But it is not the only hat you wear. You have to come home from that horror, and still be the best husband and father (some day?) you can be.

 

That emotional distance and resultant anger and frustrations, can and frequently does, lead to divorce. It's LONELY be married to a man who is really married to the job. Trust me, I know.

 

You are smart. You can do this.

 

I think she wants to feel first in your life: cherished and appreciated. And I sense from other posts, she is looking for you to be happier and happier with her at the end of your day.

 

What do you think, Smokie?

[SmokeRat]

I agree with you on all the points.

 

However, I will never lie to my wife about my obligations on the job. Would I crawl through a fire to save her, absolutely. With a question in my mind. But, I need to evaluate the options, can I get to her safely? Is she already dead? Is there a chance that I will die trying to save her?

 

I get where you are coming from, but that's the mindset we all need to have to do this job. Our safety is the priority. If I go in after my wife, and I'm injured, now I've just put two more people in danger to get me out first. Nevermind my wife, which the other FF's will not hold a priority.

 

She's asked me a loaded question, when she already knows the answer. It was just a means to stick me with a little knife, and occasionally turn it to remind me of how bad of a person I am.

 

Heaven forbid I am ever placed in that situation, because who knows if all my training will really kick in, or I'll just into hero mode and charge in after my wife. I'll never know the result of that, until it actually happens.

 

She's already said a few times, that there are days, when I do call her and I'm having a bad day at work, that she doesn't want to come home to me, because it's emotionally draining and she can't handle it. That hurts, because at the end of the day, there is no other place I'd rather be, then home.

 

With that in mind, it's hard for me to come home somtimes, knowing that it's sometimes just her obligation to the marriage that brings her home. Most of those days, she's watching Anderson Cooper (which she knows I loathe), and she'll always be the first to bring up what he's talking about. It almost always leads to me bashing him, and her defending him. I've learned to just ignore the show, ignore her when she brings it up, and go into my mancave for some videogame time.

 

After the show is over, I'll emerge from my cave and be social with her. I do try and come home happy, I really do. But it's hard, especially since she gets home earlier than me, the OM get home earlier than me, and his wife isn't normally home until 6pm. That gives them a very wide span of time to have their fun time, without me or the other wife around.

 

The mind movies and dreams keep these thoughts alive from time to time, and can be a swift kick in the junk if you get my meaning.

[BetrayedH]

Dude, your wife didn't want a run-down of your triage protocols. You should admit to her that your previous answer was a stupid one. Next time this comes up, just tell her that all things being equal (smoke, distance, PPE and so forth), you'd certainly choose to save her before anyone else. That's the question she was asking and you should have been smart enough to know that but chose instead to be a smart-ass.

 

Otherwise, there's no acceptable reason for her to be angry or annoyed when you trigger about her affair. Does she think you asked for these triggers? She can thank herself for this situation, she can help carry the burden by expressing remorse when you trigger, and she can thank you for staying. If she doesn't like your triggers, make sure she knows where the exit is.

[SmokeRat]

I can assure you I wasn't being a smart ass about the protocol's. She wanted the honest answer and I gave her one, chock that up to being a naive soon-to-be husband!

 

I cannot really go back and change my answer, as she already has it. If the conditions were to where I could reach her first, then yes, she'd be the first out.

[SmokeRat]

And just so that people can see, what she gets upset about when I bring it up. This is what she typed to the OM, after I was at home after a car fire involving a family:

 

">Wow...i needed to hear that. It is tough, but then i realize i have putyou through the same. Germany. Panama. But we stay strong for eachother and always make it through. Just knowing that im on your mindsolices me quite a bit. You know you are the world to me as well.

> Would you like another installment?

> Oooooooo G......"

 

The Panama and Germany parts, where trips that I paid for and took her on. My parents live in Panama as Ex-Pats (from Canada though), and all my other family members are in Germany (although we're all of Irish/Scottish descent, maybe it's because the beer is better in Germany).

 

It burns my ass (ha), that during those trips, she was more concerned with being away from the OM, than being with me and my family, in two of the most beautiful countries in the world.

[Spark1111]

I can assure you I wasn't being a smart ass about the protocol's. She wanted the honest answer and I gave her one, chock that up to being a naive soon-to-be husband!

 

I cannot really go back and change my answer, as she already has it. If the conditions were to where I could reach her first, then yes, she'd be the first out.

 

Smokey, I think you are a great guy who does a dangerous job. I think you are brutally honest and that is a trait I usually admire.

 

But I think you have to work on your romantic skills, your conversation, and your ability to schmooze and charm your wife.

 

You cannot ONLY approach her when you are angry about the job or about the affair.

 

When a man is angry, it's scary to a woman and she protects herself by emotionally distancing or finding reasons to get away from him.

 

So, you would save her first because you love her and could not imagine life without her.

 

She NEVER looks fat in anything she wears.

 

Anderson Cooper may not be your cup of tea, but watch it with her once in a while and comment on what you can find to like about the show. Ask HER what she like about it.

 

Approach her from a point of vulnerability and pain, not anger, when discussing triggers from the affair.

 

This is your homework. Good luck to you.

[BetrayedH]

I can assure you I wasn't being a smart ass about the protocol's. She wanted the honest answer and I gave her one, chock that up to being a naive soon-to-be husband!

 

I cannot really go back and change my answer, as she already has it. If the conditions were to where I could reach her first, then yes, she'd be the first out.

 

You have your best bud firefighter unconscious six feet to your left; he's in shorts and a tshirt. Your have your wife unconscious six feet to your right; she's in shorts and a tshirt. Smoke and fire are equidistant in all directions. Who do you save first?

[SmokeRat]

Good lord Betrayed, that is a loaded question.

 

Chances are both of them are already dead. Considering a common house fire, basic fire load and Class A combustables. Smoke depending on the insultation, could be giving off a plethora of asphyxiant gases.

 

Chances are, we'd manage to get both people out, since it's a 2 in 2 out rule. It would come down to my orders, which are always get downed firefighters out first. Everyone else is second. That's an order, not an option. Now, that order could be bent slightly, if my buddy thinks he can pick up and carry/drag the other FF out by himself, then I could tend to my wife.

 

Now if FF buddy picks up the other downed firefighter, and gets injured, or goes down himself. I'm fudged. Because now, instead of two patients, I'll have three patients, plus myself and another two FF's RIT'ing to get all of us out.

 

I get where you are coming from and until a situation like this presents itself, I'll never know how I will react. I hope that my training holds steady and I what I am ordered to do.

[BetrayedH]

I think "smart-ass" was the wrong term for me to use.

[SmokeRat]

I know the answer she was looking for, but (and I'm not excusing my answer) she knows that my professionalism would ensure I answered as I should.

 

Mind you, she asked this question after she started seeing the OM. So maybe it was her way to bringing so justification to her actions.

 

The fact that I've stuck around even after 2 and a bit years of lies, and extra-martial sex, should answer her questions of "how much do you love me".

 

One of the questions I had on my CPS/OS test year ago, was similar to the question my wife posed to me:

 

If you went into a house fire, and noticed an eldery man collapsed by the front entrance, but in the kitchen to the right, you noticed a toddler in a chair, who would you save first?

 

I answered with (I believe) was choice C: Which stated, you and grab and go with the person who is closests and has the highest chances of survival.

 

In this case, the elderly man would likely survive a smoke filled environment longer than a toddler.

 

It's a loaded question to see if you value human life equally and can prioritize life safety in a fire situation.

 

As to Frozen, I swoon over my wife constantly. Even to this day, I'm still chasing her around the house like a 16 year old boy. She's constantly reminded that she's the only woman I find attractive and so forth. I suppose between an hour to two hours a night of body rubs in our basement gym also counts as "I love you so much" =p. I'm lucky to get 10 minutes of backrubs when I get home from work.

 

I get all the points you are making, and I am trying quite hard to be the compassionate, loving, caring husband that she wants. But it's hard, because that's everything the OM was (at least while he was getting a piece) minus the husband part.

[Just a Guy]

Hi SmokeRat, I've just read through your umm rant. Well as others like BH, Spark and JWi have suggested since it was a hypothetical question, you could have answered her lightly saying "Of course I would pull you out first". Fact is your wife seems to me to be very immature and for her to even ask you a question like that , unless it was asked jokingly and in a lighthearted way, shows she is a very insecure person and is looking for validation from all directions. Also while I understand that you are a serious professional and in a real life situation would carry out orders as issued to you from your superiors, you do not have to be so set in your thinking that you carry your professional thinking home and apply it to your domestic situation. Your wife is NOT a Firefighter and she would not understand the dynamics of a Firefighter's professional obligations. She asked you the question as a wife asking her husband whether he would consider her important over all others when it came to a dangerous situation. Fact is that plain tact would dictate that you give her a diplomatic answer knowing fully well that the odds of a situation of the type visualized by her would probably be very very slim. You would not have been hauled up by your Fire Chief for giving her that answer nor would you have failed a test to judge your competence as a Firefighter as there was no one looking over your shoulder to see how you would answer that question.

 

That said it is indeed sad that your wife continues to throw that answer in your face every time you have a bad moment about her cheating. What she outlined was a hypothetical question and something not likely to happen in real life in a hurry. However what she did was something concrete and in your face. There was no escaping it. After you caught her in bed with her OM she continued to cheat for a year(?) after. She has the onus of supporting you through ALL your bad moments whenever and where ever they occur. If she still throws that answer in your face and gets angry with you for bringing up her cheating then I am sorry to say that she has not had an iota of remorse for her wrong doing and is only trying to sweep things under the carpet. As I said she is a very insecure person and needs validation right, left and center. If you were to go away on outstation duty she would be back to her cheating ways. Sorry to say this but SHE has NOT changed one bit and is only desisting from contacting her OM because she has been hemmed in from all sides. I really do not understand what you see in her to hang on to this marriage. Not only are you enabling her in her insecurity but are also poisoning your whole system with wretched thoughts which is why you are getting nightmares. Like I said some where else, dreams(in your case nightmares) carry a message from your subconscious mind trying to tell you something. In this case it is that your wife is just NOT worth it. You want someone or something to console you then get rid of her and get a dog. You will forever be it's HERO.!

[SmokeRat]

I was bringing that up because a few people mentioned that I should be attentive and romantic with my wife to counter act her need for constant validation and emotional attention.

 

She enjoys body rubs, I know she enjoys them so I give them to her in an effort to show her I do care, and am willing to ensure he happiness. Plus I have an unbreakable kungfu grip due to all the hours rubbing her back.

[Summer Breeze]

Why would you do that? Obviously you resent it or you wouldn't even bring it up and you clearly feel like you aren't getting it back in equal measure. Maybe you should examine your self imposed martyr role?

 

I thought the same thing SmokeRat. I really hesitated to say anything but with LG bringing it up I thought I might comment.

 

What I'm saying isn't excusing what your WS did and it's not to be any sort of insult to you but I want to make a couple of comments. Someone I was very involved with at one point 100 years ago was a beat cop in one of the bigger cities on the east coast. A normal shift would be battered women, finding drug abusing parents of abandoned little kids, car accidents, shootings, regular people being traumatized by burglaries and muggings. Death. The worst most people had to offer. When I read your posts I try and remember what it was like with him day to day. I tried to remember if he actually like his job defined his personality. He didn't. Then I try and say that no two people are alike. And that's the absolute truth. What worries me about you is your posts read like you have no way to disassociate anything in your life from your job. I'm no therapist but it doesn't read like it's really healthy for you.

 

That's that. I'm not trying to show any disrespect or anything else. Just a comment that maybe your seeming need to have your identity wrapped up in the job reads pretty unhealthy. And after that I will thank you. I couldn't run into a building that was on fire and I would have a break down the first time I couldn't save someone. I'm not disrespecting you at all, just a comment from someone objective.

 

Now to your WS. I agree with the poster who thinks she was looking for validation from you. Everyone in this world needs external validation at some point in their lives. We're all weak and need to rely on other things and people to hold us together sometimes. I think she may have been looking for that from you when she asked the question. You may really hate the fact she keeps bringing it up but she may really hate the fact that you've put her behind a co-worker. Keep in mind you said this question was originally asked before the A.

 

Don't be her carer. Don't be a fireman. Don't be a masseuer (sp). Be her husband. I know you need time to unwind after a shift but can you go to the gym or something like that? I'd be insulted if I waited for you to come home and you kissed me and went straight in and played video games.

 

I think one of the things I'm trying to get to is this. It seems like you're giving her lots of attention but is it the attention and validation she wants and/or needs?

 

She's a lucky girl you're trying to reconcile and I'm not finding fault. Good luck SR.

[SmokeRat]

I can understand where the Martyr thing may come in, and in no way am I trying to be one.

 

I can assure everyone that my wife is getting plenty of validation from me. Whether that be in backrubs, cuddling or just complimenting her on her dress and looks of that day. On average, I'd say she gets between 20-30 compliments per day. On average I may get two.

 

I used to put a lot of my identity into being the happily married couple. My mother had divorced, and all the rest of my family members (save both of my grandparents) have or are in the midst of divorce. All my cousins, divorced. And here is my wife and me, crystal clean without any wants or need for divorcing. It was a source of pride for me. I even had my wedding ring cast out of some of the steel from Ground Zero. My Chief had it made for me, as he was my best man at my wedding.

 

I wore that thing around like it was the cat's ass. Everyone knew I was married and loved it. That was my identity. The firefighter married to, what I thought, was the purest most lovely woman I'd ever met; and subsequently married ;p.

 

That all changed when I found out she was having an affair on me, just three weeks after I proposed to her.

 

I was no longer proud of my marriage, nor did I talk about it anymore. What else did I have to fall back on, except my career (spotless) as a Firefighter. That was something she could never take away from me, and something that will always garner respect, price and appreciation.

 

She became second fiddle, so to speak, to my firefighting when I became second fiddle to a 50 year old, father of three (for two years).

 

Even after I found out, by walking in on them I forgave her and started doing MC with her. When in MC, she admitted that it only happened that one night, and it would never happen again. Remember, I had no idea she had been sleeping with her prior to me walking in, she lied about that. She blame shifted pretty hard during MC, and the Therapist agreed with her.

 

Only after constantly watching her emails, texts and whatnot, did I find out it had been going on for ages. And even after that, it was hardcore trickle truth coming in. Only when I went full exposure with everyone I could think of, and when I involved the OM's wife (who is a police officer), did everything end. Had I not done that, I'm almost certain it would have continued.

 

It also helped that my Chief denied the application of the OM's son into our department, since my Chief didn't want the son's father around our hall. Harsh, and probably mean spirited, but we take care of our own. I do not fully agree with what my Chief did, but I understand why he did it. Having that boy around the hall would be a constant reminder of what his father did to my life.

[drifter777]

For you to answer the way you did shows a lot of hostility in my opinion. You bring up the dreams & how painful they are. Then you tell us about your wife's loaded question and how you are too honorable to lie to her. So you give her an answer that is as cruel as it is stupid. Whatever you actually would do is of no consequence; you're never going to have to make that choice. You talk about her illness and diabetes issues to frame the rest of your post. Even you mentioning how much she hates it when you bring up her cheating shows your passive aggression. She does not validate your feelings so why should you validate hers? You're still hurt and angry and it's leaking out.

 

Are you in IC and/or MC? My friend you are far, far from out of the woods with this and you need help. You can't fix this by logic and trying to figure it out. It's emotional; it's your heart that needs fixing.

[Summer Breeze]

I can understand where the Martyr thing may come in, and in no way am I trying to be one.

 

I can assure everyone that my wife is getting plenty of validation from me. Whether that be in backrubs, cuddling or just complimenting her on her dress and looks of that day. On average, I'd say she gets between 20-30 compliments per day. On average I may get two.

 

I used to put a lot of my identity into being the happily married couple. My mother had divorced, and all the rest of my family members (save both of my grandparents) have or are in the midst of divorce. All my cousins, divorced. And here is my wife and me, crystal clean without any wants or need for divorcing. It was a source of pride for me. I even had my wedding ring cast out of some of the steel from Ground Zero. My Chief had it made for me, as he was my best man at my wedding.

 

I wore that thing around like it was the cat's ass. Everyone knew I was married and loved it. That was my identity. The firefighter married to, what I thought, was the purest most lovely woman I'd ever met; and subsequently married ;p.

 

That all changed when I found out she was having an affair on me, just three weeks after I proposed to her.

 

I was no longer proud of my marriage, nor did I talk about it anymore. What else did I have to fall back on, except my career (spotless) as a Firefighter. That was something she could never take away from me, and something that will always garner respect, price and appreciation.

 

She became second fiddle, so to speak, to my firefighting when I became second fiddle to a 50 year old, father of three (for two years).

 

Even after I found out, by walking in on them I forgave her and started doing MC with her. When in MC, she admitted that it only happened that one night, and it would never happen again. Remember, I had no idea she had been sleeping with her prior to me walking in, she lied about that. She blame shifted pretty hard during MC, and the Therapist agreed with her.

 

Only after constantly watching her emails, texts and whatnot, did I find out it had been going on for ages. And even after that, it was hardcore trickle truth coming in. Only when I went full exposure with everyone I could think of, and when I involved the OM's wife (who is a police officer), did everything end. Had I not done that, I'm almost certain it would have continued.

 

It also helped that my Chief denied the application of the OM's son into our department, since my Chief didn't want the son's father around our hall. Harsh, and probably mean spirited, but we take care of our own. I do not fully agree with what my Chief did, but I understand why he did it. Having that boy around the hall would be a constant reminder of what his father did to my life.

 

Thanks SR. You talk about being happily M and her being the perfect woman but you mention catching her cheating 3 weeks after you proposed? Am I misreading that? I'm wondering if I'm misunderstanding and you found out later that she was cheating and it went back to the time right after you proposed.

 

I really have to wonder why you'd stay with her either way? When you caught her isn't nearly as important as the fact she cheated before you were even M. It's caused you immense pain and I'm with drifter. Your resentment seems to be leaking out. You deserve to have the resentment but you don't deserve to be destroyed by it.

[Bryanp]

I agree with the poster Summer Breeze. Why are you wasting your life with someone like this? Apparently she knows that she can humiliate and disrespect you in the worst possible way and you will take it. If the roles were reversed would she have put up with such distain and humiliation from you? I doubt it.