pop3788 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Hello, I am a newbie to this forum. My wife and I married almost 5 years ago. Both of us were in bad long marriages before. (15-24 years for both) I am 7 years older than she is, but it was love at first sight for both of us. We are also "best" friends and have a great relationship except for her sex drive. We do everything together. Her sex drive has really gotten worse the past year. I have to initiate everytime or it will not happen. 5 Years ago when we first met we had sex ALL the time. Now i feel that was just a plan to hook me and it worked. We both work full time and i have always helped around the house with everythng. All our kids are gone from home. The past 6 months i have been making extra efforts in regards to buying flowers, sending peoms to her email, leaving small notes in different parts of the house for her to find. She doesnt really react to any of it, most of the time doesnt even mention it. Last night i left a poem under her pillow, she read it and said "huh" and that was it! A few months ago i made a warm bath for her and also gave her a full body massage. She has fallen asleep during foreplay, talk about ripping a persons heart out. Just the other day i was kissing her all over her belly and lower and she went to sleep!!! how can that happen? I know she loves me and I love her, its just the no sex for us that is ruining it. Funny thing is when we do have sex its great for both of us. But afterwords she never comments, Like "oh that was great" or "that felt good", again nothing. please help, thank you!
TaraMaiden Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 So you're doing all the running and hard work, huh? What is she doing? What has she said when you've discussed this? How does she explain her lack of libido? Has she seen a doctor for a hormone check? Has she explained what she wants? Are you guys even actually communicating meaningfully about this? What are her reasons for not having/enjoying sex? Did she used to have orgasms? (Are you sure? Are you utterly convinced that if she DID orgasm, she wasn't 'faking' it? ) Some women (though not all,) go off sex. It's quite a high number, too... It's fact, and official. More than men do. We see what you're doing.... What is she doing, in response......?
TigerCub Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Unless she has narcolepsy, I'm guessing she was pretending to be asleep so that she doesn't have to have sex with you. You need to have a very frank conversation with her about what's going on and trying to figure out TOGETHER what's causing this change and how to get around it. Also...if she fakes being asleep, she very well could be faking her pleasure in bed, so maybe you shouldn't be so quick to assume that she enjoys sex all that much. BUT...having said that, I will say, that her pleasure is up to her, she should be expressing what she likes, what she needs, and trying with you....
TaraMaiden Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Unless she has narcolepsy, I'm guessing she was pretending to be asleep so that she doesn't have to have sex with you. Yeah, I was thinking this.... faking sleep is just as easy as faking orgasm... especially if you really don't want the sex this is foreplay to..... You need to have a very frank conversation with her about what's going on and trying to figure out TOGETHER what's causing this change and how to get around it. Yes.... so far it seems as if he's trying to solve all problems singlehandedly.... But it's like looking for a black cat in a dark room.... Also...if she fakes being asleep, she very well could be faking her pleasure in bed, so maybe you shouldn't be so quick to assume that she enjoys sex all that much. Exactly so....... BUT...having said that, I will say, that her pleasure is up to her, she should be expressing what she likes, what she needs, and trying with you.... If her expression of pleasure consists of 'huh' at finding a love-poem under her pillow, he's in for a tough time. Problem is, OP, she sees all your overtures as desire, overture or request for sex. "I know what he wants.... this is just a way of saying 'have sex with me'.... well tough luck buster, I ain't playing".... But why? What's the issue here? When did things start to go down hill?
TigerCub Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 If her expression of pleasure consists of 'huh' at finding a love-poem under her pillow, he's in for a tough time. Problem is, OP, she sees all your overtures as desire, overture or request for sex. "I know what he wants.... this is just a way of saying 'have sex with me'.... well tough luck buster, I ain't playing".... Exactly!!! I think that's what the "huh!" reaction is about.
Author pop3788 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Thanks for your feedback. Going to have a serious talk about it this weekend with her. She is not faking sleep or faking orgasm's. I thought so at first also. I have asked her to get a hormone check and will not go to doc. Its hard not to blow up when i dont get a simple thank you or a response from poems and notes. We hug and kiss every morning before work and do the same after work.....plus text each other off and on all day with alot of " I love you's". Getting back to the sleep part, she always falls asleep easily. On weekends she will usually take a 2 hour nap mid afternoon. We can be at a sporting event and she will start dosing off sometimes. I seriousely feel i dont turn her on at all anymore. I have asked her that and she says that's not it at all and gets emotional. But then wont discuss it any further. I could have wool PJ's on or be naked in bed doesnt make any difference. Just 3 years ago we were like teenagers, i just dont get it.
Apolodor Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Maybe she is not a sexual person?! Are you sure her previous marriage was not ruined because of a similar situation? Some women usually tend to avoid sex if they are not satisfied completely. It sounds really odd that she does not respond to your romantic gestures, that only shows that she does not have a romantic interest in you. Tough situation....
dichotomy Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 How old is she? And it is a bad sign she won't go for doctors visit and hormone check. It is a common response for a husband to ramp up helping around home, romance, affection, gifts, etc... when a wife pulls back on sex. It is also very common that this increase in "niceness" does nothing to fix the sex part. Caretaking and safety are often killers to sexual romance with some. In other words being the super nice guy does not always get lots of sex. So what options are we looking at with her? 1) Medical, hormonal, early menopause? 2) Is she taking care of herself - diet, exercise? 3) How long ago did kids leave - a major life change. Depression? 4) She is having an affair - emotional or sex (you could snoop a little) 5) She has lost physical interest in you 6) She has lost feelings for you Have you tried therapy? Also - how are you doing on yourself? That is are you keeping interests and activities and goals for yourself and outside the home and marriage. Have you become a little.... predicatble and safe? See video link below for some thoughts I have considered in my own marriage. Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Video on TED.com
NervisPervis Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I know she loves me... Don't be so sure. Read up on Walk away-wives and men who were blindsided when they get the ILYBINILWY speech. I was trying to fix what I thought was a 5 year rut in my long term marriage. The rut included zero interest in sex on her part. When she finally go tired of me pressing on why her actions don't match her words, it hit me like a ton of bricks when she said a few things (mainly just to get me off of her back) that made me realize that she didn't love me any more. My world crashed. And at least one other poster agrees with me. 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) She has lost physical interest in you 6) She has lost feelings for you 1
giotto Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 stop being nice to her and move to the spare room (if you have any). That's what I did, even recently. You'll feel a lot better, without having to think about sex all the time and getting zero. If that's what she wants, she's welcome to it.
Recommended Posts