Did I inadvertently give her "my ok" to be with others?

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi. This relationship ended more than two years ago, so it's not so urgent, but I'm interested in what you think about the situation, and how much did I contribute to her actions, and did I really give her "my ok" to her fooling around with other people. I know it's a long post, but it's been bottled inside me for a long time.

 

More info on the whole story (if you'll have time to read) in this thread - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/374371-cheated-lied-break-up-2-years-ago-trying-learn-let-go-past), but I'll also give more information here, if anyone will ask.

 

Brief: I started dating my ex around 4 years ago, when we were both around 21 years old. After a month and half, she cheated on me (presumably only once). Two months later, she told me about it. We stayed together, but had a lot of problems. After almost two years of being together, she told me she didn't see herself spending her life with me, and that also she couldn't forgive herself if she didn't give herself a chance to try things out with the guy she had cheated me on with. She broke up with me.

 

 

Long:

At the start of our relationship, she told among other things me she was attending group therapy and that she was on antidepressants for "emotional imbalance" (not being bipolar, but still quite often she would go from being happy one day to being "depressed" the next day, or even changes within a day).

 

She told me that her on and off ex bf of 4 broke up with her 6 months ago (and went to study to another continent). She told me that she had trouble with cheating, because in that relationship he had started cheating on her, and then they kind openly "cheated" on each other and joked about it. She asked sth to the effect of what I think about it or how I would react to it and if I could get over it. She had also, when talking about this, told me if i would ever be interested in a threesome with another girl, she'd be up for it.

 

In response to this, I told her (I'm not sure of the exact words) uncertainly that I hope that somehow i would be able to work through it and survive it happening, but that if sth like that ever happened, I would need to know about it immediately. With hindsight, that was one of the most stupid things I've ever said. But I gave her such a reply because at the time I was really inexperienced and I wasn't sure that it would be the end for me and I really believed that I'm capable enough of working through almost any problem, and I wanted to give her a truthful answer. I also told her that honesty and truthfulness in a relationship is of paramount importance to me. I also told her that I'm not interested in any threesomes and that I'm only interested in her and that I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

 

After a month and half of being together, she told me she was planning on meeting a guy to see if she could get a discount for some service for her student group (he worked in a company that provided such services). He was one of the guys from her group of friends with which she hung out ever since high school. Her two best girl friends and 3-4 older guys. He was one of the guys with whom she had sex once during her time with the ex bf (i don't remember if she told me that before or after).

 

I got jealous and upset about it, but she told me that I was overreacting and that I was too jealous. Since I was inexperienced and still over the moon for her, I believed her and, not wanting to be the over-jealous boyfriend, I stopped nagging and even helped her choose what to wear (stupid…). Anyway, that went by and everything seemed normal, and two days later it was my birthday and everything seemed great, she told me she loved me etc.

 

Two months after that, she locked herself in the room, crying and screaming at me&her family to leave her alone, that everyone hates her, that she's fat and stupid. She screamed at me that I should dump her and find someone better (she had done that before), that I was perfect etc.. After I don't know how many hours she let me in, I tried to comfort her, and she said that she had cheated on me with that guy from 2 months ago, and that at this time (when she told me about all this) she was in love with some other guy from our university.

 

She told me that the guy kissed her that time they went out (when they got back to her room to watch a movie, as they had done in the past before she met me), and that she didn't move away until after a couple of seconds. She said she wasn't drunk or anything like that.

 

As for being in love with some other guy, she just she just thought he was cute, but that she said that she loved him just to test me to see if "I would stay with her or abandon her like everyone else did in her life". After that, I got angry and told her that this is the last time she "tests" me and if she will do it ever again, that we're through. As for the cheating, I thought that it wasn't her fault since he kissed her.

 

Next day, we were studying when all of the suddenly she told me with a serious voice that she "just remembered that it wasn't only a kiss that happened that time". She went on to tell me that after the kiss(ing) she gave him a handjob, but that when he wanted more, she put a stop to it. When I asked her questions about it, she said that at the time she thought "I would be ok with it" (because of what I had replied when she talked about cheating on our date (in one of the first paragraphs of my post)), but after the handjob she realized that she didn't want our relationship to be the same as with her ex. When I questioned her how the hell could she have "forgot" to tell me that the day before, she said that she doesn't know and that she must have suppressed that part of her memory, and that she had no reason to hide that from me the day before. Throughout all the time that we were together, and even after she eventually broke up with me for the last time, she always maintained that that's all that ever happened and that she never cheated on me again.

 

 

Today I think/hope I'd know better how to react in such situations, but I'd like to know from your perspective how many things did I do wrong.

 

Thanks for all your thoughts and comments, much appreciated!

[iKING]

In my opinion, you were the reasonable one in the situation. She had some serious issues. What she said was right in the end, you're better off not having to deal with that mess. You can find better. In the future be up-front about cheating, that It's a deal breaker and should be told immediately for sheer sake of fairness. You're obviously not interested in cheating, It's fair to expect the same from your spouse.

[animalover]

Man... what you need to learn is to avoid that kind of women like an contagious illness... she was bad news and will be bad news for every man who dates her or enter in a relationship with her for her full life!

[GSB81]

OP, don't blame yourself for this. The girl sounds like a whacked out slut/loon.

[GSB81]

Man... what you need to learn is to avoid that kind of women like an contagious illness... she was bad news and will be bad news for every man who dates her or enter in a relationship with her for her full life!

 

 

What comes of girls like this, in your opinion?

[loversquarrel]

You only did one thing wrong....you stayed with her after you found out she cheated in the first month and a half of dating her. What she ended up doing is what most cheaters do when they are forgiven by their S.O.'s, continue to cheat.

 

Hopefully you learned a valuable lesson. There are a few who post threads here who are currently experiencing what you went through. They are blinded by their own naivete and they allow it to continue.

[Calvin's wagon]

Thank you all for the answers, much appreciated!

[todreaminblue]

i think its good to define what you will and wont put up with when you realize a relationship is serious, that doubt in the back of your mind when she talked about threesomes and seeing other people, let them come out of your mouth next time say its a nah straight up...its not you ...and you knew it.......

 

as for the woman having a hard past and obviously dealing with mental illness, noen of those happenings give license to hurt another as she has been hurt, if anything she shoudl strive to have happiness and love in a relationship and bring that joy to another......external things that happen to us are defining.....you choose how they define you, you choose to use them in a manner that is of benefit....none of what she has been through is your fault,i have heard many times the men suck theory..treat them mean keep them keen...gets boring after a while she hasnt matured enough to see that, she wasnt ready for a relationship and may not be for some time

 

 

here is a theory i have........dont know if it is something i have read or its just from my heart so ill write it anyway.......

 

 

People who hurt the least are the ones who get hurt the most...end quote

 

 

no one has license to hurt another, everyone has agency to do so, doesnt mean they should do it though......you make the choice to do wrong or right, whther you have been abused o rnot in the past you still have yoru own choices to make, .. we all make mistakes,that doesnt give us the right to take away the happiness of another person because we are unhappy with ourselves,she chose to take her unhappiness with herself out on you instead of using her unhappiness as a guiding mark to how not to treat you, the threesome thing....an insecurity.....if you had said yes...it would have been a case fo her saying arent i good enough for you you want another......you are only accountable fro yrou own behavior...other people being dicks doesnt give you permission to be a dick.......

 

 

she is hurt for sure, she needs to heal and mature, but she was a dick to you and that is something you are not responsible for or should you put up with....i wish you the best in relationships you may have in the future......be honest and open about what you wan t, what you accept , and what you dont, if it is good, then you are not the one who needs to change, and you are the one who deserves to have what you want out of a relationship..problems happen in relationships when you dont stand true to what you find to be of value and you dont have happiness... how can you have happiness if you dont stand up fro what you really want out of that relationship.trust me .....i had a relationship where i ignored what i valued...caused a lot of unhappiness for me.............so alleviate all doubt about what you want and what you need to be happy...be honest and open next time.........best wishes....deb

Edited February 24, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Calvin's wagon]

Todreaminblue, thank you for such a long and insightful post!

 

I like your quote, in a way I think that has been the story of my life in the past! But you're right, the trick for the future is to listen to the warning bells in my head more attentively, and to respect your own values!

 

You have given me a lot to think about, and a lot of useful advice! Thank you!

 

Best wishes to you too!

[BetrayedH]

She took what she wanted to hear out of that conversation and left the rest. Not your fault, bud.

[dasein]

Great job dodging that bullet, headcase, avoid. Good for you.

[Quiet Storm]

This girl has some serious emotional issues. Don't take it personally, she will do this to everyone she's with. It's a waste of time to try to analyze someone like this because their actions will not make sense (they probably don't even know why they do what they do). I would focus on the future and just be glad it's over and done with.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi, everyone, thanks for your responses! It means a lot to me!

 

I know it should be water under the bridge for me by now, but in the past it was hard to let go, and to stop questioning and berating myself whether I was in some way co-responsible for her being with someone else...

 

But this site has helped me a lot to realize what I wish I had realized much much sooner. Better late than never, I guess:) There's still a small part of me that is not quite convinced that I'm better off without her, and a part of me that hates her, but I hope I'll soon become indifferent with regards to her.

 

Thank you all so much!

Edited March 3, 2013 by Calvin's wagon