Totally unsure of our situation, most bizarre situation.

[OSCAR_BUSTOS21]

I value your feedback, so thanks in advance.Since dumping my gf on boxing day out of pure paranoia I have been in deep regret. After initially asking her to come back I have collected my thoughts and have consulted much advice on the subject. This girl means everything to me and I must change in order to accomodate her. I have trust and control issues that I believe I'm working on.

 

Since the split we have been intimate and seen each other several times, had constant contact etc. Last weekend she sent me a link for a house that she wanted stating in the long run would be ours. She has asked me out on valentines and stated that I should join her and family on a pre-booked vacation in may. I met with her on thurs and she started to cry as soon as we went out, saying that I didn't care about her. At the end of the night I told her that I wanted her back (by text).

 

So we met on valentines day, had a lovely night at a very expensive restaurant. Then Sunday she came over in the morning and then again in the evening. I ditched my friends for her and we lay in bed together watching a movie until I said thias wasn't working and that I needed to go no contact as I felt so much for her. Anyway this produced some results, she started crying and immediately said that we should get back even though she wasn't fully healed as she didnt want to lose me. I said no as I dont want to control the situation. Anyway she admitted many things:

- That she loved me and didnt want anyone else

- Said she was feeling really down and needed tobe herself and once she was then she would come back

- That she needed to rely on herself instead of me, and that she relied on me to make her happy during the relationship. That she wanted to be with me all the time.

 

Anyway after this we had mind blowing sex and then I said I want to marry you some day, she cried and told me she wants that. She also said that she would come to counselling and follow me to australia. I know she has been to counselling before and the family have issues with depression. She has also done this to a bf before, taking 6 months out until they got back. Her mum has told me to be patient.

 

1) What is going on with this young lady, is she messing me?

2) I want her back but how long should I wait?

 

Really need help here folks.

[will1988]

I value your feedback, so thanks in advance.Since dumping my gf on boxing day out of pure paranoia I have been in deep regret. After initially asking her to come back I have collected my thoughts and have consulted much advice on the subject. This girl means everything to me and I must change in order to accomodate her. I have trust and control issues that I believe I'm working on.

 

Since the split we have been intimate and seen each other several times, had constant contact etc. Last weekend she sent me a link for a house that she wanted stating in the long run would be ours. She has asked me out on valentines and stated that I should join her and family on a pre-booked vacation in may. I met with her on thurs and she started to cry as soon as we went out, saying that I didn't care about her. At the end of the night I told her that I wanted her back (by text).

 

So we met on valentines day, had a lovely night at a very expensive restaurant. Then Sunday she came over in the morning and then again in the evening. I ditched my friends for her and we lay in bed together watching a movie until I said thias wasn't working and that I needed to go no contact as I felt so much for her. Anyway this produced some results, she started crying and immediately said that we should get back even though she wasn't fully healed as she didnt want to lose me. I said no as I dont want to control the situation. Anyway she admitted many things:

- That she loved me and didnt want anyone else

- Said she was feeling really down and needed tobe herself and once she was then she would come back

- That she needed to rely on herself instead of me, and that she relied on me to make her happy during the relationship. That she wanted to be with me all the time.

 

Anyway after this we had mind blowing sex and then I said I want to marry you some day, she cried and told me she wants that. She also said that she would come to counselling and follow me to australia. I know she has been to counselling before and the family have issues with depression. She has also done this to a bf before, taking 6 months out until they got back. Her mum has told me to be patient.

 

1) What is going on with this young lady, is she messing me?

2) I want her back but how long should I wait?

 

Really need help here folks.

 

No offense Oscar but she is not playing you, you are playing her. You broke the girl's heart, but break ups happen. However, you being wishy-washy/fickle and not knowing what you want has caused you to gravitate towards her one minute and pull away from her the next. This is causing her weird reactions. She wants to be with you. However, one minute you are telling her you want to merry her and then have sex with her, and the next minute you are telling her you want to go NC and you need to move on etc... Do you see how and why this could be causing your ex to feel weird and act weird? Hell, if I had an ex who did the same thing I'd be freaking going bonkers by all the back and forth. She loves you and you are toying with her heart. If you truly care for her, even if it is just for her as a person and not as a love interest, you should let her go. Your fickle back and forth will eventually have very negative results for her, and most likely both of you. It is better now to just let this poor girl be able to move on with her life, without you. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You either accept her fully and don't be fickle, which would require you to change as a person, or you do the hard thing and let her go. Choice is yours. However, I would suggest not keeping with the status quoe, you are tormenting her and yourself.

 

Good luck!

[OSCAR_BUSTOS21]

I love her v much its just I want her back and am getting really impatient. She has control of the relationship and keeps stating that she wants to get back to the person she was when I met her. I want to know why we cant do that together?

[TaraMaiden]

Oscar:

 

Quit.

Your thread history is just one big pointless, pathetic, clingy attempt to get her back after you dumped her.

You admit you're controlling and manipulative.

 

Please get this through your head:

 

It's over.

She doesn't want you.

 

Enough is enough.

You've been posting virtually the same thread since january, always asking the same thing.

 

You need to get a grip and accept this.

 

Move on, give up, leave it be.

 

Enough already!!

 

Your ex- is your ex- because you made her your ex.

 

You need to quit now, because you're becoming obsessive, and really - sorry but - it's pathetic.

[TaraMaiden]

I love her v much its just I want her back and am getting really impatient. She has control of the relationship and keeps stating that she wants to get back to the person she was when I met her. I want to know why we cant do that together?

 

You don't love her.

you want to own her.

 

She says she wants to get back to the person she was when you met her.

 

She doesn't want to do that WITH you - because being with you - is what changed her, into someone she didn't WANT to be.

 

She wants to get back to her old self - and the only way she can do that, is without you.

 

That's why she doesn't want you - because you transformed her from someone she liked being, into someone she didn't want to be.

 

Why would she agree to come back to you, if being with you was so negative for her??

 

Wake up, man!!

[OSCAR_BUSTOS21]

why would she break down and cry then say she wants me back so she doesn't lose me, why would she see me and make love to me???. In all serious you know nothing, people make mistakes by dumping their girlfriends everyday, she became clingy in our relationship and couldn't live without me.

 

Your one bitter twisted person, someone shafted you before x10.

[TaraMaiden]

Why is it that when I AM the one pointing out the truth, and saying what people know is true, but they just don't want to hear it - I get labelled bitter and twisted??

 

 

I am NOT bitter and twisted !

I'm not the one who has been posting the same question basically since January, am I - ??!!

 

It's not up to us to determine what your ex is saying.

 

What she is NOT saying is that she wants you back and wants to try again as things stand.

 

For her to take you back, you have to change, change in a way that is good, and change in a way that is sincere and permanent.

Sincere change happens because you know it needs to happen.

Not because it's a way to get them back.

 

Sincere change acknowledges that there is a problem with the way you behave, and that you need to positively modify this behaviour, for yourself, to make you a better person.

 

That may not save this relationship.

It may be too late for that.

But the changes you need to make need to be for you to evolve into a more grounded and well-rounded human being.

 

She's telling you she cannot be with you while you are like this, because it makes her into the kind of person she doesn't want to be.

 

She wants to get back to her old self - without you.

You need to become a better self - without her.

[OSCAR_BUSTOS21]

There are many people that I know that have got back with there ex, my account is a week by week documentary. Its only been 2 months and we see and contact each other regularly.

 

As it happens I am willing to change, I have been to counselling and she said last week she would like to go. As far as I am concerned I have stated that I love her and I do, this is not about hurting her in the least. If I was so controlling I would have accepted her offer to get back, I didn't.

 

If you love someone why not try and get them back, I'm in a win/win situation.

[TaraMaiden]

No, you're not.

 

This is being strung along by the fact that you two cannot, or will not, leave each other alone.

 

Who initiates most contact? Which one of you two contacts the other most?

 

be honest.....

 

....And if you were in a win/win situation, you would not be asking this -

 

1) What is going on with this young lady, is she messing me?

2) I want her back but how long should I wait?

 

Really need help here folks.

[OSCAR_BUSTOS21]

She initiates contact because I let her have her space, she texts everyday and I reply. If I wasn't giving her space then I would contact her.

 

Yes because we don't want to let it go.

 

Well the other day I stated I was moving to australia (a long time plan of ours) she cried and then said she'd come with. If she doesn't I go with my mate.

 

Get her back and /or go to australia to have a good time, thats win/win in my book.

 

But I would break all plans for her, anything.

[will1988]

@ OSCAR

 

TaraMaiden may be a little harsh in the fact that she is calling you out and saying you know full well what you are doing that you know you are being manipulative and being clingy. I'll play devil's advocate on this one. You may actually not know that what you are doing is wrong. However, that doesn't make it less wrong. I suggest you re-read your first post and try to take a step back and think about what you wrote as what someone else wrote. What would you say to that person and their behavior? That is where we are coming from. We don't know what is racing through your mind, we do not know what is going through hers. We do not know the nitty gretty minute details that made you all get together, and then break apart. However, we do know from what you are telling us is this.

 

1. You want to be with your ex. Whether that means you truly love her, or you just miss being in a relationship all together (doesn't have to be her) and the attention.

2. You also want to be able to do your own thing and not be tied down.

3. You tell your ex all the things she wants to hear one minute and she sleeps with you, and then the next minute you tell her you can't do this any more.

4. Your ex was really hurt by your actions and you dumping her.

5. Your ex loves you, but loves the you that she fell in love with, not the person you've become.

6. You say you want your ex back, but you cannot live up to her demands, so you kind of string her along.

7. You have personal issues that lead to your breakup. These issues you want to change, but you are not changing them and only lyinging to yourself telling yourself you've changed. Full change does not take a month, it is a long process.

8. Your constant back and forth, touch and go, hot and cold etc... is really really hurting your ex, and is making you look both clingy, manipulative, and like a player (how easy is it for you that when your ex wants to bang you, you are all lovey dovey, but once the banging is done you lose intrest).

9. You do not truly grasp that you two are not together anymore. You do not have control over her life, as she doesn't have control over yours. You are still acting from time to time like a couple, and like nothing changes.

10. You have yet to begin to move on.

 

These are all the problems, me, as a reader, sees in your posts. The best thing for you to do is to not try to get back together with your ex. You've not changed and the new renewed relationship will fail, again. You need to work on yourself, and completely rid yourself of this past relationship. You need to think ahead, and think of a possible new girl in the future. You need to change for yourself, but also for this unseen future girl friend... for if you don't change History has a way of repeating itself, and you will be back here in a few months to a few years and post something very similar. You need to change and you need to accept that your relationship is over and that by stringing your ex along you are not only hurting her, but you are making it impossible for you to change, grow, and move on.

 

Good luck!

[destroyed4sho]

Tarameiden is 100% right,

 

In mycase, i AM bitter and hurt..a bit twisted and definitely been shafted 10x.

 

And ill tell you this, the only bizarre thing in this situation is you.

She asked you out on vday, complained you ditched your friends for her and then you dump her. Wow, what a ladys man you are...c'mon you treat girls like this and you expect them to want to be with you??.. What??...get outta here.

[TopCat22]

Oscar, you dumped this girl and broke her heart and now you want her back and you're surprised that she is unsure about things? From what I can tell you are essentially using her for sex. You'll tell her what she wants to hear, she'll fall into bed with you and then you'll backtrack as "she's getting too clingy".

 

Do everyone a favour and leave her alone. Your concept of love is entirely selfish and dragging this poor girl to Australia with you so you can continue this cycle of emotional abuse is horrifying. Even the fact that you look at the situation in terms of "win/win" show how immature and self-centred you are.

 

Learn from this. Don't throw someone away unless you are sure you don't want to be with them. Have some respect for her and for yourself. You need to grow up.

[OSCAR_BUSTOS21]

Thanks for the above comments,

 

I really do love this girl and although it appears I use her for sex I don't. In fact exactly the opposite. I'm just impatient as I want her back and I truly believe she is the one for me. Granted I've made a mess but I wouldn't go to all this effort with her if I was messing.