zinco0 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Hi there, I'm new to the dating scene, and thinking now is a good time to get started. One of the books I read suggested dating 20 (yes 20) girls once, and then deciding who to pursue long-term. If I decided to go this route (maybe date 5, I think 20 is ridiculous), should I share this with the person I'm dating? What's the proper etiquette/way to say, "It was nice to meet you, I'll be in touch... or I might not" on a first date? Thanks!
Emissary Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Really as far as I'm aware, I think most relationships are exclusive right from the start. You find somebody you like and you give it a go, if you're satisfied you take things further, if you're not, you move onto the next person. It makes sense to casually date multiple partners and pick the best one, that way you're not just taking the first girl you can get. However, the more important thing is self-respect and the ability to pass on a girl if she's not what you're looking for. Also good luck finding multiple single girls to date at the same time. Most girls are taken at any given time, and it's a real challenge finding one who isn't taken, especially when it's not going to be common knowledge unless you know them well enough beforehand. I work at the mall and am in contact with many cute regular customers, I could pick 10 girls, flirt with them, get to know them better and the results are in, "Taken", "Taken", "Taken", "Taken", "Taken", "Taken", "Taken", "Taken", "Taken", "Not Taken". It's a lot of work to find a solitary single girl whom you actually click with enough to have an initial date.
clia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Really as far as I'm aware, I think most relationships are exclusive right from the start. You find somebody you like and you give it a go, if you're satisfied you take things further, if you're not, you move onto the next person. This isn't true at all. Many, many people multi-date. It would be wrong to assume any kind of exclusivity before you've had a discussion, much less on a first date. If I decided to go this route (maybe date 5, I think 20 is ridiculous), should I share this with the person I'm dating? Twenty is absurd. Even five is a lot. Three is realistic, but do what you can. Don't share with the person you are dating unless they ask. There is no reason to volunteer it. I think most people expect multi-dating in the very beginning. It gets tricky if you start to see someone more often, though. What's the proper etiquette/way to say, "It was nice to meet you, I'll be in touch... or I might not" on a first date? If you are going to be in touch, you can set up the next date on the first date. Or just tell her you'll give her a call in a day or two to make plans. If you don't want to see her again, you can either *poof* after the first date, or just politely say "I had a nice time, but I don't think we are compatible," or "It was nice to meet you, but I don't think we are a good match," or something along those lines.
normal person Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 If I decided to go this route (maybe date 5, I think 20 is ridiculous), should I share this with the person I'm dating? 20 is excessive. I would suggest not to shoot for a quota, just go for girls you like off the bat whose company you enjoy. Plus if you take out 20 girls (I'm assuming you're a straight guy) and spend an average of $50 on each, that's a grand just to test the waters. Do some pre screening. Also, if you tell someone you're seeing 19 other people, they'll probably be a bit confused. Before you talk about exclusivity, it's fine to talk about someone else possibly in the picture depending on the circumstances. Dating culture is a little variable across locations and ages. What's the proper etiquette/way to say, "It was nice to meet you, I'll be in touch... or I might not" on a first date? Yeah, the bit after the ellipsis is a little rude. If you didn't enjoy it, don't say so as you're walking out, you'll make it feel like you were "auditioning" her. I would say "it was nice to meet you." Honestly, if you weren't feeling it she probably wasn't either it'll be mutually understood that neither of you wants to do it again. If the discussion of future plans is heavily infused with the term "maybe" then that's pretty much code for "probably not." "This was nice, maybe we should do it again sometime." "Yeah, maybe." If there's mutual disinterest, you don't have to follow up too much. If she likes you but you don't like her, I think it's fine just to say that she's nice and all but you honestly just weren't feeling it. When you want to see the person again, speak in certainties and see if she reciprocates. "This was really nice, I'm going to take you out next weekend too." "Yeah, definitely!" If she's not feeling it, she'll say "yeah, maybe" or start planting a seed about being busy or something. If she actually is busy, she might suggest another specific time when she's not. Do not push it too much though.
Kengne Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Hi there, I'm new to the dating scene, and thinking now is a good time to get started. One of the books I read suggested dating 20 (yes 20) girls once, and then deciding who to pursue long-term. If I decided to go this route (maybe date 5, I think 20 is ridiculous), should I share this with the person I'm dating? What's the proper etiquette/way to say, "It was nice to meet you, I'll be in touch... or I might not" on a first date? Thanks! When I was single, I became a fan of multi-dating. Maybe not 20 people, but say 2-5 at a time lol. I practiced the don't ask don't tell. If the person I was dating asked if I was seeing other people - I was honest with them and said yes. I didn't get into details however, IMO it was none of their business. But if they didn't ask, I certainly didn't volunteer the information (again, none of their business). Not because I had anything to hide but because I believe in the initial stages of dating you don't "owe" the other person/stranger much of anything. If they want to know something they are free to ask. After the first date, you should always end it with a nicety "eg I had a good time" even if you didn't. Lie to be polite. If you don't want to go out with them again, you can just fade to black (stop calling, texting after the first date) OR the next time you speak to them just tell them the vibe didn't feel right. K. 1
Author zinco0 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Thanks for the input everyone - extremely helpful!
rocketman122 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 When I was single, I became a fan of multi-dating. Maybe not 20 people, but say 2-5 at a time lol. I practiced the don't ask don't tell. If the person I was dating asked if I was seeing other people - I was honest with them and said yes. I didn't get into details however, IMO it was none of their business. But if they didn't ask, I certainly didn't volunteer the information (again, none of their business). Not because I had anything to hide but because I believe in the initial stages of dating you don't "owe" the other person/stranger much of anything. If they want to know something they are free to ask. After the first date, you should always end it with a nicety "eg I had a good time" even if you didn't. Lie to be polite. If you don't want to go out with them again, you can just fade to black (stop calling, texting after the first date) OR the next time you speak to them just tell them the vibe didn't feel right. K. If you were honest you'd tell it to them up front. not saying something like that is hiding it which is dishonest. but then again I wouldnt give a woman a second of my time if she was multidating.
silvermercy Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) Just to chime in. There are people like me who do NOT expect their date to multi-date and they will ask if you do from the start. In Europe at least it's not expected to multi-date. It's usually assumed that you're the only one you're seeing and we don't usually have to ask. I only learned of multi-dating by coming here, where most people are from the US I think. Now I'm in the habit of asking, even though in my country at least it's not needed. I also cannot tolerate multi-dating for various other reasons. So you must be honest because if I find out later that you lied about multi-dating this will not go down well. Edited February 23, 2013 by silvermercy 1
iKING Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 This all is reminiscent of applying for jobs. Some apply to the one place they really want to work, some apply to a ton of places at once to increase the odds of getting one.
silvermercy Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 This all is reminiscent of applying for jobs. Some apply to the one place they really want to work, some apply to a ton of places at once to increase the odds of getting one. Indeed. It's a case of quantity vs quality. Therefore, I wouldn't want a man who would apply to ANY job or a man who would be okay with ANY girlfriend. 1
rocketman122 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Just to chime in. There are people like me who do NOT expect their date to multi-date and they will ask if you do from the start. In Europe at least it's not expected to multi-date. It's usually assumed that you're the only one you're seeing and we don't usually ask. I also cannot tolerate multi-dating for various other reasons. So you must be honest because if I find out later that you lied about multi-dating this will not go down well. Thats how I see it as well. when I did OLD, I never dated more than one at a time. I wanted to put all my energy into making it work. tried it out, didnt work, then I go back and keep looking. but if I found the woman was dating someone else at the same time we were, then goodbye. it seems to be more of a US thing to MD because over on the other side of the ocean, its different. im not saying that MD doesnt exist but its a mindset of one on one. I love it when a woman asks me if I MD and love it when she tells me right away she only wants one on one. to me it says loyalty. and if youre a multi dater, it says even more. I went out once with a woman who told me on the phone when we set up the date that she did have another date with a guy who she had contact with for months but they never got a chance to set it up. I knew there would be no competition and she'd want to make us serious so I let it go and agreed to continue. but if I find out that she didnt tell me upfront then I walk away. 1
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