pettie baige Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Hi, everyone. Welcome to my first post. I've found myself in a very strange situation, and I'm completely lost, confused and frustrated I accidentally ran into this forum a few days ago, so I decided to write to get some advice from the experienced people here. Sorry it's a really long entry. I've realized that after I babbled my guts out for 2 hours on the keyboard. (and sorry about the potential grammar error, I just started to learn only English 3 years ago ) so here's a quick summary for you. #1: Had ONS with a guy and we kept in touch. However he barely tried to get to know me for the next 5 years. When it's pretty obvious that he doesn't care about me, he still kept coming around for some reason. Why? #2: Then, He wants me to spend 2 weeks with him on a vacation out of blue. Why???? If you think my unique situation may interest you, keep on reading Little bit of a background about me first. I'm a shy, thirty something single women with not much experience with guys. Some friends call me naive, and some call me stupid. because I tend to push myself into a situation where a guy's totally taking advantage of me, treating me badly, etc. While people around me point out all the red flags, I'm usually the last one to acknowledge it, and it's always too late. So basically I suck at dating and suck at dealing with guys. LOL That's why I need opinions from you guys. =) Anyways, my story starts here. 5 years ago, I went away for Christmas, and ended up hooking up with a local guy there. Since it was my first ONS ever (and still the only one to this date) and was totally out of character for me, I didn't know how to deal with it emotionally or mentally. - so I still have this indescribable feeling towards him since.... You can only imagine how freaked I was when I woke up next to him in the morning.. At least, He was pretty sweet. Well, before we went our separate ways, he asked for my contact, so we exchanged our e-mails. I didn't know what to think of it, but I thought he was just being nice. And to my surprise, he wrote me soon after I came back home. So we'd write each other or chat online time to time, but not so often. The boy, let me call him "Andy", is quite shy like me, and very reserved and private. He's very intelligent and rather aloof, almost impossible to read. Even after knowing him for 5 years, I can't really say I know much about him. Because we've never really discussed anything emotional/relationship /personal or not even about sex. Our usual conversation would go "how are you, how's the weather" type of things, and you get the picture. I've found no point in conversing with him a lot of times, but he'd be the one that initiates it on a regular basis for some reason. (why????) So we became kinda friends, but not really... it's weird and maybe a bit sad.. =( So about 2 years had passed after our one night event. Andy came to my town for some business-related matter a couple times since, So we'd see each other, and have a great time together (Thankfully he was more talkative in person, asked me a bunch of interesting questions, etc) well… I actually started to have some feelings for him then but I've tried to ignore it, since I figured I was only a booty call while he was in town. And for the next 3 years, Andy still kept in touch, even though we weren't able to see each other or anything ( we live like 1000000 miles apart) We'd usually have a mundane but pleasant talk, but still nothing personal. he'd rarely ask any question about me, or be concerned about my well-being. (for example, I say that I've been sick, he usually wouldn't ask. are you ok? like what other "normal" people would do =( ) Also his certain behaviors and his nonemotional tendency, sometimes ridiculously rude behaviors would frustrate me to no end. Like he would disappear in the middle of our online chat and would be gone for days or even months / he is never consistent at writing me back,when he's the one who sent me the e-mail from the first place?? / he's never on time, never apologizes, etc etc etc It makes no sense 'cause he is so nice and polite in person! Eventually, I've concluded that he's just not into me nor particularly interested in me as a person. Since it's too obvious that he doesn't give a crap about me. =( Despite his oh-so-ambiguous/freaking weird behaviors, I was never able to cut him off completely and move on. Cause this mysterious guy still kept coming around. And there was always something so enticing about Andy that I could never get rid of… And last night, Andy asked me to marry him. ok ok, Just kidding.. He asked me to go away with him for like 2 weeks for a vacation this summer out of blue, Isn't this insane?????? 'cause his company is giving him some vacation package in Bora Bora as a promotional bonus or something like that. and he wants me to go there with him. No, it's not like he's covering the expense for me. We'd be responsible for our own like what friends would do. Now I'm TOTALLY confused about what's going on between us, and not sure if I should even consider accepting his offer. I mean did I miss something along the way?? We do have a great chemistry when we are together for sure. And he could be ever so romantic when we are physically together, etc. etc…. so spending time with him for a few days wouldn't be of much problem per se... but 2 weeks???? when we haven't even seen each other for like 3 years? Honestly, I do like him, so I kinda wanna see him. I'm such a hopeless romantic, a type of a person who'd die for love. So I'm not too good at filtering out bad signs when i fall for a guy. So I started to convince myself it might be okay to do so. And the last bit of my sanity is preventing me to say "yes" to him. See, Andy has never showed much feelings for me, other than asking me about the weather . I never felt like he cares about me at all. It's just my hopeless dream or illusion that he actually does have a feeling for me…. I've started to backtrack our recent conversations, and I did notice that he's been writing me way more frequently in the last year or so. So What the hell does he want? What the hell is he thinking? and what kind of a guy suggest a long holiday to a girl whom he had slept with only a few times. especially when he hasn't seen me for so long. Does he even like me to begin with? Should I go with him? Has anybody ever been in a similar situation like me? is it possible for an ONS to turn into something more?? Should I be suspicious? I'm totally clueless and too many questions are filling me up, and my head is about to explode!! Just so you know. he's not a creep, and I'm not a retard. Trust me. LOL We both have respectable careers, and do function normally in our own communities. we are about the same age, so no age difference issue. maybe some cultural issues 'cause we come from totally different countries. He's quite attractive, and he wouldn't have much problem with getting girls back home. that's why it's so confusing!!! It's not like he can't find a girlfriend to go there with!! Well, it is true that we're both really shy, and dorky,(thus obviously suck at dating) and I think it's making things ridiculously and unnecessarily hard. I've been badly hurt in the past by a couple of guys, so I'd like to approach this with caution. I don't wanna fall into the same emotional trap again. And that's why I'm here.. This is like an unsolvable mystery to a girl who suck with guys. sigh.. =( Thank you so much everyone for taking time to read this. I know i'm not much of a writer, so thank you for putting up with this long long long entry =) it'd be greatly appreciated if you could leave me some of your opinions and advices even if it's short. I desperately need some support, 'cause I'm all alone and nobody around me knows about this. Thanks!
Life'sGood Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Why don't you ask him about it? about why he wants to take you along. 2 weeks is a long time if you don't really know someone. Are you comfortable being around him? If you are not, 2 weeks can be VERY long.
iKING Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 He wants sex on tap while on a holiday. Sex comes on tap? Sounds interesting. This is a very strange situation, you'd need mind reading capabilities to figure it out without being straight up and asking what the deal is. Sounds a bit like him just wanting some affection but I could be wrong.
Author pettie baige Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Sex was my initial thought. I just reviewed my post and I left out a vital info since I was writing it in hurry. Actually he's been asking me about going away together for months and months. I thought he was joking at first, so it didn't really hit me until last night he revealed the detailed plan. I'm not gonna reveal much details about him, but he's gotta have a plenty of girls around him for sure, considering his work environment. What I'm confused about is, why would he keep in touch with ONS for this long and do this to me? I guess sex is always the main thing with guys, but I just wanna hear some other interpretation of my situation in case I'm missing something. that's all.
Author pettie baige Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 haha, I do wish I could read my mind!! Then i wouldn't be in front of the computer for hours reading this forum.. I never asked what was his deal 'cause I thought there was a fair chance that he won't answer me. By the way, I am pretty comfortable around him. I get along with people easily.
iKING Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Sex was my initial thought. I just reviewed my post and I left out a vital info since I was writing it in hurry. Actually he's been asking me about going away together for months and months. I thought he was joking at first, so it didn't really hit me until last night he revealed the detailed plan. I'm not gonna reveal much details about him, but he's gotta have a plenty of girls around him for sure, considering his work environment. What I'm confused about is, why would he keep in touch with ONS for this long and do this to me? I guess sex is always the main thing with guys, but I just wanna hear some other interpretation of my situation in case I'm missing something. that's all. That's interesting. If he's choosing you over a plethora of other women then there has to be some hidden factor going on. He's interested to some extent. Not all guys are like that, just well.. A lot of them. A trip to bora bora might be fun regardless of the outcome or outside motives, something to keep in mind.
iKING Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 haha, I do wish I could read my mind!! Then i wouldn't be in front of the computer for hours reading this forum.. I never asked what was his deal 'cause I thought there was a fair chance that he won't answer me. By the way, I am pretty comfortable around him. I get along with people easily. Asking what's up would at least give you a clearer answer of his intent/motives. Not telling you to do it, but it is an option. Then consider the idea that a vacation with someone you enjoy being with might be a lot of fun, and maybe something will come of it.
Author pettie baige Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 he is a strange person without a doubt. LOL yes. I heard Bora Bora is really beautiful place. it'd be definitely interesting to go there. I just want to clear my head which is totally messed up with confusion before I seriously consider going with him..
Author pettie baige Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Asking what's up would at least give you a clearer answer of his intent/motives. Not telling you to do it, but it is an option. Then consider the idea that a vacation with someone you enjoy being with might be a lot of fun, and maybe something will come of it. Ah. Thank you for some logical advice See, i'm in a state where I cannot think straight. can't even do a basic deduction here.. LOL
iKING Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Ah. Thank you for some logical advice See, i'm in a state where I cannot think straight. can't even do a basic deduction here.. LOL My pleasure. Don't worry about it, oxytocin/dopamine get the best of all of us. Let us know what you find out or decide upon!
Author pettie baige Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 =) Actually, I'm more onto not going, even though I miss him I'm too afraid to get hurt. I don't know why the simplest thing seems so complicated when it comes to the matter of heart..
2sunny Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Just go. Have no expectations of him - except that he invited you to go. Don't look for all these reasons "of what it might mean" - just go - have fun - and stop worrying that it needs to mean something. You're paying your way - no one says you have to be with him 24/7 while you're there. Unless he gets open and honest and tells you exactly how he feels about you - figure it's just for fun. Don't make it out to be something it's not - until he says otherwise, it may not mean a thing except an extended booty call in a nice place.
RebelWithoutACause Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I hope you're not seriously considering going. Are you that hard up for some company that you're willing to travel the world to spend a couple of weeks with a guy who's clearly not interested in you? Who knows why he invited you, maybe he needs s wing woman. If you need a holiday go with your girlfriends. Not with some guy who's already got your mind twisted into a pretzel trying to figure out his intentions. If you go you'll probably come back even more confused.
FitChick Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 He treats other women the same way and they just ignore him because they feel they deserve better. You are always nice. So you are the only person he has "known" for the longest period of time. I feel sorry for him. I'd only go if he paid for it. Tell him you can't afford it but thanks for the offer. He reminds me of someone I used to date. Is this guy a Capricorn?
Author pettie baige Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 true, I could be doing my own thing (even meeting other guys or making other friends) while I'm there. that might be fun come to think of it. If I was confident enough to not to fall for him even harder, then it would be actually a pretty good vacation. Just go. Have no expectations of him - except that he invited you to go. Don't look for all these reasons "of what it might mean" - just go - have fun - and stop worrying that it needs to mean something. You're paying your way - no one says you have to be with him 24/7 while you're there. Unless he gets open and honest and tells you exactly how he feels about you - figure it's just for fun. Don't make it out to be something it's not - until he says otherwise, it may not mean a thing except an extended booty call in a nice place.
Author pettie baige Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 I hope you're not seriously considering going. Are you that hard up for some company that you're willing to travel the world to spend a couple of weeks with a guy who's clearly not interested in you? Who knows why he invited you, maybe he needs s wing woman. If you need a holiday go with your girlfriends. Not with some guy who's already got your mind twisted into a pretzel trying to figure out his intentions. If you go you'll probably come back even more confused. I like your opinion as well. It's such a great risk for mental damage when the other party's intention is not clear like this. Unless he acts like he cares about me, I shouldn't go..
ja123 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I like the advice of IKING and 2 Sunny. Don't let fear of getting hurt again stop you from being with someone; otherwise, you're letting those bad situations from the past dictate your future in a negative way. Instead, look at what you learned from the past and see why you made certain decisions, then put some strategies in place so they don't happen again. A site I've been enjoying lately is baggagereclaim. Here is one of the articles posted on that site: Building Boundaries for Healthier Relationships | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Good luck! Let us know how things go!
Author pettie baige Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 He treats other women the same way and they just ignore him because they feel they deserve better. You are always nice. So you are the only person he has "known" for the longest period of time. I feel sorry for him. I'd only go if he paid for it. Tell him you can't afford it but thanks for the offer. He reminds me of someone I used to date. Is this guy a Capricorn? this is actually interesting. your insight actually do make sense. I haven't thought of him that way before. Thank you .. Yeah. If this is how he usually treats women, then a smart one would want nothing to do with him most likely. I know I'm too nice most of the time. It really doesn't help in dating situation. Crap! Nope, he's not a Capricorn
Author pettie baige Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 I like the advice of IKING and 2 Sunny. Don't let fear of getting hurt again stop you from being with someone; otherwise, you're letting those bad situations from the past dictate your future in a negative way. Instead, look at what you learned from the past and see why you made certain decisions, then put some strategies in place so they don't happen again. A site I've been enjoying lately is baggagereclaim. Here is one of the articles posted on that site: Building Boundaries for Healthier Relationships | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Good luck! Let us know how things go! I really loved the article! Thank you Ja123 (I've bookmarked the site, I'm gonna check it out more later) It seems like I've never learned how to set boundaries within relationships. Even though, the writer expressed that many women have little to no boundaries as well, but it is still little bit shameful. LOL Like I said before, I'm really nice, like extremely nice to people. Because I've been always like "well, what do I get to lose for being nice to others? it's better than being a bitch, and make other people miserable" But after living for more than 30 years, I've realized that people take the kindness as an indication of a weakness. you know? Like people would become more disrespectful when they've figured out that you have no boundaries. And they think they could walk all over you. Well. I definitely need to work on this.. Thank you again!
ja123 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Looking at your recent posts above, then it looks like you don't want to go. It's just that the way you described this guy is like he might be a good guy but has Asperger's syndrome or something which makes him socially inept. So, how about this ... Since you're not going, then you have nothing to lose. The stakes aren't high with you and this guy, as you haven't invested much in him. Therefore ... How about using him as a guinea pig to test out some new things? For instance, why not let him know the next time he disappears in mid-chat that it bothers you when he does that ... you can email him right away, "Where did you go?" as an example. Take a risk; communicate your needs. This is an important skill to have in relationships. And, yeah, it's scary to do at first, but you can get better with practice. And communicating your needs will directly translate into increased self-esteem. You can also ask him straight up, what are his intentions/feelings towards you, as suggested by IKING. What's to lose? You may never see this guy again anyway, and at the very least a clear answer would help you move on if he's not interested. This is an opportunity to learn something and build skills, if you're not going away with him to have fun. But, then, maybe you can do both? 3
2sunny Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I'm really nice in real life. No one takes my kindness for weakness! I have very firm, healthy boundaries. When I say no - people know I mean what I say. Tone of voice helps too - solid, nice but firm tone of voice sends a clear message. No room for Whimpy voice - weak, poor me, rescue and help me voice tends to make others think you are weak. Consider what message your tone of voice tells others... 1
ja123 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I really loved the article! Thank you Ja123 (I've bookmarked the site, I'm gonna check it out more later) It seems like I've never learned how to set boundaries within relationships. Even though, the writer expressed that many women have little to no boundaries as well, but it is still little bit shameful. LOL Like I said before, I'm really nice, like extremely nice to people. Because I've been always like "well, what do I get to lose for being nice to others? it's better than being a bitch, and make other people miserable" But after living for more than 30 years, I've realized that people take the kindness as an indication of a weakness. you know? Like people would become more disrespectful when they've figured out that you have no boundaries. And they think they could walk all over you. Well. I definitely need to work on this.. Thank you again! You're welcome. I've learned a lot about boundaries because I didn't have many and got terribly hurt, etc. etc. I'm still learning about boundaries, in fact. I'll probably be tweaking things for the rest of my life! lol Reading is good, but it takes practice in the real world. This can produce anxiety at first, but as the saying goes, "fake it until you make it." It works. You'd be surprised how easy it is to put boundaries in place with people ... the hard part is feeling like you deserve to have boundaries, deserve to be respected, and feeling ok with asking for your needs to be met. You'll essentially be an actress for a while when you newly practicing this. It'll feel weird, and you'll probably feel uncomfortable at first. Just say No, or ask, etc. without making apologies or excuses. Keep an eye on your verbal and non-verbal language, and the messages you're sending people. With practice, you'll set yourself free. With time, it won't feel fake or uncomfortable to do; it'll become natural and second nature. Good luck! 1
Author pettie baige Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 2sunny : Yes, I definitely lack an ability to say "No" in a firm tone of voice. I admit that I'm such a pushover, and that's why I have hard time establishing a good, mutually-respecting relationship. And this is why, I'm being so cautious with this Andy guy 'cause I don't wanna make same mistake again. ja123: I love your suggestion! There might be some beneficial ways to utilize this situation building my relationship skills, whether I go or not. I could just go with him, and try/test them out in person. LOL Yeah, what's there to lose? If he doesn't like it, and doesn't wanna see me again as a result - Fine, at least I could move on. 'cause it shows that he doesn't care about my needs and I'll be miserable if I'm involved with him further. I mean communicating my needs to him may be even beneficial for him as well. who knows? by the way, I've been suspicious of him having Asperger's since I've known him.. So it's pretty hilarious that you've actually figured that out from my basic description of him I'm learning more specific qualities that i need to work on as a woman from here. Great insights, guys!!
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