Women: have you had luck approaching?

[candie13]

I asked less certain guys to join me at social gatherings when we were part of the same social circle but it never felt natural enough and flowing enough for it to go further. When I get to know them I often find them passive-aggressive rather than straight up and assertive. I just don't seem to mesh well with them.

 

I also think a lot of women are inclined to make things work. I'm not really like that.

 

I'm with you 100%. If it's not taking off from the beginning, it'll never happen for me. Totally! I've actually dated a guy for some time - very intelligent, we had lots of fun talking, fantastic conversations skills, cute... but quite insecure. At some moment, we were in a bar, relaxing on the sofa... and the guy actually expected me to kiss him - that would have been our first kiss. I can't, that's just not sexy or romantic for me.

[candie13]

I agree with this.

 

Since I am not that social, I will only talk to a guy if I have some interest in him. So for me to start a conversation at all would be to approach

 

that makes 2 of us !!

[candie13]

Ah, I talk to them all the time. I spoke to about 10 last night down in my boxing gym

 

my hero ! Can I have some of your confidence potion, please?

[Emilia]

What I have noticed with women and men though is that both genders want to have their cake and eat it too as it were. Men and women want a traditional courtship/relationship/marriage when it suits them and they want a more modern one when it suits them. This no doubt causes problems.

 

I think that everyone evolves in their lives and people don't stay stationary in terms of character and personality. There is no need for neat boxes like 'modern' or 'traditional'. We aren't all compatible. If you act on your expectations, you are likely to be happier than if you don't own who you are.

[Shardish]

I got that. I am shy at the beginning, when I don't know a person, but afterwards, OMG, the only thing you cannot say about me is that I don't take initiative . I actually have to remind myself to give my partner space, because I always want to do stuff - go out, see concerts, meet my friends, go on holidays, explore... a bit too much energy.

 

It's just that... emotional part that is more difficult to handle, that's the tricky one, where a potential rejection hurts. I still take the plunge, most of the times - I seriously lack patience, hehe.

 

I'm like that and when I'm at my most comfortable around people I'm chatty and come across as a social butterfly. I'm lucky that I have known all of my close friends for over ten years. I believe in long-lasting, strong relationships.

 

You sound like a lot of fun.

 

Rejection is not fun, I am fortunate that I have experienced it enough to not really allow it to bother me much anymore. It used to grate on me badly and I was bitter about it, but once it happens enough times you get used to it.

[Emilia]

my hero ! Can I have some of your confidence potion, please?

 

I had to speak to them, we were sparring. It's only polite

 

Seriously though, we are members of the same gym, I see them twice a week. It's like working in the same office. I can't be mute when they say hello.

[candie13]

Yes, but the mere fact that he decided to approach doesn't change your feelings.

 

No, I admire that he's got the courage to make a move! But the "how" is very very important in the opinion I form about him. If he's too smooth, it means he's experienced - don't like guys who's hobby is to pick up girls in bars. If he's too straightforward and ask me for my telephone number, I'd think he thinks I'm easy. Sooo easy to get it wrong! I am glad that I am not a man, I'd probably still be a virgin, by now, haha!

[Shardish]

I think that everyone evolves in their lives and people don't stay stationary in terms of character and personality. There is no need for neat boxes like 'modern' or 'traditional'. We aren't all compatible. If you act on your expectations, you are likely to be happier than if you don't own who you are.

 

Very true, I don't date because I've got issues which render me undateable, but I do enjoy getting different perspectives of things.

[candie13]

Rejection is not fun, I am fortunate that I have experienced it enough to not really allow it to bother me much anymore. It used to grate on me badly and I was bitter about it, but once it happens enough times you get used to it.

 

You sound cool as well, I like people who are able to keep long lasting friendships, that says a lot about them.

 

I am good with people I know for a long time too, but because I moved so often, I don't have that anymore - I only live in this city for the last 3 -4 years, not that much. People I've known for longer are scattered all through Europe - we still keep in touch, but it's just not the same.

 

Yeah, people do get better with experience. I guess I'm just reasonably comfortable and well entertained with my current friends, to be going out and talking to strangers.

[Treasa]

I never did this much and picked from the men that came to me, which were mostly options I wasn't fully happy with.

 

A friend of mine had good luck recently with making a first move. She dropped her phone number into a cup of a cute guy. He called her immediately and they are going out She has been seeing him around the coffee shop for months and finally decided to do something.

 

I also want to make a distinction between approaching and pursuing.

 

For example, if a guy in the case of my friend didn't call, and she tried to talk to him next time she saw him that would cross the line into the desparation land.

 

By approaching I mean make one clear move to show your interest and then leave the ball in his court.

 

Yes, I tend to do this. Patience isn't my strong suit, so if I see something I want, I pretty much reach out and take it.

 

I don't act desperate, though. If a guy doesn't immediately return the interest, I move on.

[StanMusial]

I don't think you gals are talking about cold approaching in bars or clubs or are you?

 

How would you handle a situation where you approached a guy and then realized he was missing teeth or he smelled bad or something, but then he followed you around the rest of the night? So at first you were attracted but upon closer inspection he is not suitable for your purposes. How would you escape the situation?

[Emilia]

I don't think you gals are talking about cold approaching in bars or clubs or are you?

 

I've spoken to guys in clubs and bars many times but that was mainly when I used to be a regular in a small, exclusive place and we were friendly to new faces.

 

How would you handle a situation where you approached a guy and then realized he was missing teeth or he smelled bad or something, but then he followed you around the rest of the night? So at first you were attracted but upon closer inspection he is not suitable for your purposes. How would you escape the situation?

 

I've never been in a situation where a strong word wasn't enough.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't think you gals are talking about cold approaching in bars or clubs or are you?

 

How would you handle a situation where you approached a guy and then realized he was missing teeth or he smelled bad or something, but then he followed you around the rest of the night? So at first you were attracted but upon closer inspection he is not suitable for your purposes. How would you escape the situation?

 

I am the avoider. I would just leave the club

[iKING]

No, I admire that he's got the courage to make a move! But the "how" is very very important in the opinion I form about him. If he's too smooth, it means he's experienced - don't like guys who's hobby is to pick up girls in bars. If he's too straightforward and ask me for my telephone number, I'd think he thinks I'm easy. Sooo easy to get it wrong! I am glad that I am not a man, I'd probably still be a virgin, by now, haha!

 

Being a man is only tricky if you're trying to play a role. I can't count how many guy friends I've had that were just actors when it came to attracting a mate. Like birds of paradise doing courtship dances, kind of fun to watch. The secret is to be yourself, and hope that self isn't an egotistical maniac!

 

Through oh say, the last 5,000 years or so humans have tried to perfect methods on attracting members of the opposite sex, creating standards in which to be attracted by, etc. and in reality It's all much simpler then it seems. Working on oneself to a standard in which they are neither overly confident nor insecure with who they are is a remedy of sorts. Because in reality we're all demons and angels inside by nature. We're all capable of anything. The art to it is knowing when to be nice and when to be naughty.

 

All methods work on someone, everyone is beautiful to someone. Don't put on a show and you're more likely to find the someone you're really looking for and who will last.

 

Why? Because they'll love the real you.

[EasyHeart]

I never did this much and picked from the men that came to me, which were mostly options I wasn't fully happy with.

 

A friend of mine had good luck recently with making a first move. She dropped her phone number into a cup of a cute guy. He called her immediately and they are going out She has been seeing him around the coffee shop for months and finally decided to do something.

 

I also want to make a distinction between approaching and pursuing.

 

For example, if a guy in the case of my friend didn't call, and she tried to talk to him next time she saw him that would cross the line into the desparation land.

 

By approaching I mean make one clear move to show your interest and then leave the ball in his court.

This is exactly the right way to do it.

 

There's a big difference between showing interest and chasing. Women have been showing interest for thousands of years; it's a time-tested strategy.

 

It also depends on what kind of man you're looking for. I'm very assertive and if I see a woman I'm interested in (and I'm single!), I'll ask her out. I've always assumed every man does the same thing, but according to guys on LS, they wait for women to approach them. So a lot depends on whether you're more interested in assertive or passive guys. If you want a passive guy, you're gonna have to chase him!

[crude]

 

It also depends on what kind of man you're looking for. I'm very assertive and if I see a woman I'm interested in (and I'm single!), I'll ask her out. I've always assumed every man does the same thing, but according to guys on LS, they wait for women to approach them. So a lot depends on whether you're more interested in assertive or passive guys. If you want a passive guy, you're gonna have to chase him!

 

 

There are 2 kinds of scenarios. In a bar for example, if a man sees a woman he'd like to have sex with, he automatically does the approaching, in hopes that by the 3rd-5th date, he gets what he went to the bar for. The other scenario is a person who knows the other one a little, perhaps for years, who approaches with something to the effect of "we work in adjacent offices and I think we might have lots in common, would you like to go out sometime". That can be initiated by women at least half the time, because she's getting a known commodity, not a stranger picking her up in a bar.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I don't think you gals are talking about cold approaching in bars or clubs or are you?

 

How would you handle a situation where you approached a guy and then realized he was missing teeth or he smelled bad or something, but then he followed you around the rest of the night? So at first you were attracted but upon closer inspection he is not suitable for your purposes. How would you escape the situation?

 

 

 

It's called "scoping" Stan.

[Emilia]

It's called "scoping" Stan.

 

What is exactly?

[miss_jaclynrae]

I am notoriously known by my best friend as a woman with no fear. Sometimes it is totally worth it to see a hot guy and just go for it. Even men "out of your league"!

 

So what if they have a girlfriend or you get rejected? You end up either flattering them by trying or it being their loss.

[miss_jaclynrae]

What is exactly?

 

 

 

I don't just see a hot guy across the club and walk up. I scope for a bit, and then if I like what I see I say "**** it!" grab my drink and go for it.

[kaylan]

I never did this much and picked from the men that came to me, which were mostly options I wasn't fully happy with.

 

A friend of mine had good luck recently with making a first move. She dropped her phone number into a cup of a cute guy. He called her immediately and they are going out She has been seeing him around the coffee shop for months and finally decided to do something.

 

I also want to make a distinction between approaching and pursuing.

 

For example, if a guy in the case of my friend didn't call, and she tried to talk to him next time she saw him that would cross the line into the desparation land.

 

By approaching I mean make one clear move to show your interest and then leave the ball in his court.

Bold as hell. Pretty smooth for a girl tbh

Yep, not every guy is deserving of being approached

Neither are most girls. But we do it anyway

Edited February 22, 2013 by kaylan

[ChessPieceFace]

is it shallow not to appraoch a guy who spits in public snarls when he talks or swears every second word....ummm no doesnt deserve an approach by any self respecting woman...no hypocrisy there.deb

 

She only approaches "the really really cute ones." That is the definition of shallow. Continuing to defend clearly shallow behavior as being not shallow just makes you look even worse, and is hypocrisy.

[hppr]

Depends on her definition of "really cute". I've had hot women (tall, blond, tons of guys chasing them around work etc) tell me that they were intimidated by my looks and ugly ones tell me I'm too ugly to date. **** I had both happen to me one day. Unless her definition of "really cute" means "I only flirt with the most popular guy in the room, period" then you have no idea if she's being shallow or not.

[animalover]

I usually prefer to do the approaching myself...but I have to admit that my current gf was the one who approached me this time... and I liked it

[meeji]

Some girl approached me. Offered her number. I texted her, never heard from her ever again.

 

Truth be told, the way things were going, it seemed like she wanted me to take her to pound town that same day, she had asked to have lunch with me and I said I had already made plans, which was true.

 

Dumb on my part, sure. But I figured I had her number, I could take her to pound town some other time.

 

Never heard or saw her again

 

If you're gonna approach, then don't be a tease like that girl.

In this case, I don't think she was teasing you. She asked you to do lunch, you were busy. If whatever you were doing couldn't be rescheduled (not that I'm suggesting that you totally rearrange your life for her) you should have suggest a set date and time to catch a rain check. At least that way she would have known you weren't blowing her off.

 

That's probably what she thought and why you got no response.