Shardish Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Precisely which is why I don't overdo the approach. There is no point. It depends on the person though doesn't it? I'd imagine most women get approached by men and if they aren't then prehaps they should take the initiative? I mean surely there's no harm in a woman asking a guy for coffee?
Archgirl Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 ^ Asking a guy out does not have to = little effort to get her clothes off quickly. I feel it would help her chance of the guy taking her more seriously for a relationship in this instance if she held things back a bit, unless she has known the guy for a little while. This is actually what usually happens in my experience if that counts for anything, they tend to take me more seriously, tell me I'm awesome, treat me as more of a 'find'. But maybe they would have anyway, there's so much more going on than who approaches who. 1
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 who's domineering ? Him. He gave you the number with the expectation that you call him. Even after several meets, he still expected you to call him. 1
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 there's so much more going on than who approaches who. So true. This is why I'm trying to keep it simple in a way. Human relationships are so complicated, trying to keep track of what and where and why is hard.
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 It depends on the person though doesn't it? I'd imagine most women get approached by men and if they aren't then prehaps they should take the initiative? I mean surely there's no harm in a woman asking a guy for coffee? This is precisely what we are debating in the thread if you read it from the very beginning. It does depend on the person and my posts state that I'm compatible with assertive men, not with insecure men. Everyone is different but I can only post from my point of view. Also, there is a difference between being social, outgoing, friendly and encouraging and actually asking a guy out. In my opinion he should be socially versed enough and interested enough to pull the trigger and ask.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 So true. This is why I'm trying to keep it simple in a way. Human relationships are so complicated, trying to keep track of what and where and why is hard. I think that approach is irrelevant to the underlying feelings.
candie13 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Him. He gave you the number with the expectation that you call him. Even after several meets, he still expected you to call him. Yes he did . He didn't "expect" me to call, but he sure hoped to. I took my time and wrote him an email. He's been in contact with me almost every day - and trust me, he didn't have that much to play around with, at the beginning. He is the guy who had the least of chances that I'd go out with, and there he goes, he did it. I like that in a man. I appreciate the effort . And even when I went slightly insane and raised hell for nothing, he still kept in touch. Smooth.
Shardish Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 In my opinion he should be socially versed enough and interested enough to pull the trigger and ask. And if he isn't? Why shouldn't the girl ask?
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 And if he isn't? Why shouldn't the girl ask? It depends on the girl. It won't work for me as to me that means that our personalities are too different. Other girls might feel differently. Some insecure people - as myself and Eternal Sunshine acknowledged - like dating other insecure people because they don't feel pushed and dominated. However, for some of us, that lack of drive doesn't work.
candie13 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Human relationships are so complicated, trying to keep track of what and where and why is hard. It may be hard, but everybody does it. Not keeping track of every little thing, every little gesture, but at the end of the day, we all do the math: who contacted the other person more. Who is more into whom. Who gets to make the shots / decisions. Who makes more room for the other person. If you're lucky, it's a close battle and the result is still uncertain... at least that's how I like it.
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I think that approach is irrelevant to the underlying feelings. Sorry not sure what you mean.
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 It may be hard, but everybody does it. Not keeping track of every little thing, every little gesture, but at the end of the day, we all do the math: who contacted the other person more. Who is more into whom. Who gets to make the shots / decisions. Who makes more room for the other person. If you're lucky, it's a close battle and the result is still uncertain... at least that's how I like it. Yeah it's pretty much my view too but at the end of the day I'll be consistent in how I do something until that approach is proven not to work.
candie13 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 And if he isn't? Why shouldn't the girl ask? Funny, Emilia is looking at why the guy isn't asking, when the answer should be linked to the girl - "why shouldn't the girl ask" . I depends on how you feel your partner of conversation. While talking to a random stranger in a bar may be socially acceptable, giving your phone number away is not, if you're in a relationship. I would absolutely hate to go, chat to a guy for 10 minutes and he'd tell me "sorry, I'm seeing someone". I would simply die. I can take a "no, I am not an easy man" type of rejection. But I would for sure want to see that he likes ME and not that he's thinking "yeah, whatever, better to see you than hang around on my sofa". I like to be excited about meeting a guy. I want him to be excited too... maybe if I feel it'd be an easy sell, I'd pull the trigger... maybe (I'm a wuss).
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Funny, Emilia is looking at why the guy isn't asking, when the answer should be linked to the girl - "why shouldn't the girl ask" . I don't think it's a 'should', my point in the whole thread is that it depends on the person and what they think works. If a guy doesn't ask, I assume that he has his reasons. He is an adult after all.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Sorry not sure what you mean. I mean that if a guy likes you, he will still like you if you approach him first. If a guy doesn't like you, he still won't like you. I don't believe that approaching changes the way he feels about you.
candie13 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 but why not you? of course there are no "shouldn't" but why not walk al the line? What's the worst thing that can happen that makes you not to go all the way ? Mind you, I've never even talked to a random guy, in a bar, IRL, but am exploring the theoretical possibility... why wouldn't you?
Shardish Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 maybe if I feel it'd be an easy sell, I'd pull the trigger... maybe (I'm a wuss). That's fair enough, I'm not saying women should ask men out anymore than I'm saying that men should ask women out. I'm merely playing Devils advocate here. It has to come down to whatever you feel is best for you. What I have noticed with women and men though is that both genders want to have their cake and eat it too as it were. Men and women want a traditional courtship/relationship/marriage when it suits them and they want a more modern one when it suits them. This no doubt causes problems. If a man traditional relationship then he must be prepared to do the pursuing, he must be prepared to arrange things and likewise if a woman wants a modern relationship where both people have an equal footing in the relationship then she ought to be prepared to take the initiative when dating and when in a relationship.
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I mean that if a guy likes you, he will still like you if you approach him first. If a guy doesn't like you, he still won't like you. I don't believe that approaching changes the way he feels about you. That's true - though I think some of the back and forth in this thread is about the definition of 'approaching'. Some seem to define it as asking someone out while to me it's making social contact. I have approached guys a million times on social occasions (every occasion is a social occasion really when people are involved) but I never ask them out and don't ask for their phone number. I will chat, will try to work out his sense of humour because making him laugh tends to work, etc. So we might be talking about different things.
candie13 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I mean that if a guy likes you, he will still like you if you approach him first. If a guy doesn't like you, he still won't like you. I don't believe that approaching changes the way he feels about you. yes, it does! I may like how a guy looks like when talking to his mates, but if he approaches me too aggressively or too sure of himself, I'm outta there. It DOES make a difference.
Shardish Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I don't believe that approaching changes the way he feels about you. A lot of guys would probably be shocked and flattered if a girl had the courage to ask him out. I'd feel very honoured if a woman asked me out, it certainly wouldn't put me off at all, she would get a lot of respect from me. Though I don't expect a woman to ever ask me out, so I do the asking when I feel a connection with someone.
candie13 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 That's fair enough, I'm not saying women should ask men out anymore than I'm saying that men should ask women out. I'm merely playing Devils advocate here. It has to come down to whatever you feel is best for you. What I have noticed with women and men though is that both genders want to have their cake and eat it too as it were. Men and women want a traditional courtship/relationship/marriage when it suits them and they want a more modern one when it suits them. This no doubt causes problems. If a man traditional relationship then he must be prepared to do the pursuing, he must be prepared to arrange things and likewise if a woman wants a modern relationship where both people have an equal footing in the relationship then she ought to be prepared to take the initiative when dating and when in a relationship. I got that. I am shy at the beginning, when I don't know a person, but afterwards, OMG, the only thing you cannot say about me is that I don't take initiative . I actually have to remind myself to give my partner space, because I always want to do stuff - go out, see concerts, meet my friends, go on holidays, explore... a bit too much energy. It's just that... emotional part that is more difficult to handle, that's the tricky one, where a potential rejection hurts. I still take the plunge, most of the times - I seriously lack patience, hehe.
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 but why not you? of course there are no "shouldn't" but why not walk al the line? What's the worst thing that can happen that makes you not to go all the way ? Mind you, I've never even talked to a random guy, in a bar, IRL, but am exploring the theoretical possibility... why wouldn't you? Well I'll be only repeating myself but as I said before, in my dating experience only dating assertive men that has worked for me. I don't seem to get on well with shy or insecure guys long term. To be honest, I don't seem to get on with them that well socially because I like banter, I can be a bit of a tomboy, etc. I asked less certain guys to join me at social gatherings when we were part of the same social circle but it never felt natural enough and flowing enough for it to go further. When I get to know them I often find them passive-aggressive rather than straight up and assertive. I just don't seem to mesh well with them. I also think a lot of women are inclined to make things work. I'm not really like that.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 yes, it does! I may like how a guy looks like when talking to his mates, but if he approaches me too aggressively or too sure of himself, I'm outta there. It DOES make a difference. Yes, but the mere fact that he decided to approach doesn't change your feelings.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 That's true - though I think some of the back and forth in this thread is about the definition of 'approaching'. Some seem to define it as asking someone out while to me it's making social contact. I have approached guys a million times on social occasions (every occasion is a social occasion really when people are involved) but I never ask them out and don't ask for their phone number. I will chat, will try to work out his sense of humour because making him laugh tends to work, etc. So we might be talking about different things. I agree with this. Since I am not that social, I will only talk to a guy if I have some interest in him. So for me to start a conversation at all would be to approach 2
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I agree with this. Since I am not that social, I will only talk to a guy if I have some interest in him. So for me to start a conversation at all would be to approach Ah, I talk to them all the time. I spoke to about 10 last night down in my boxing gym
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