Women: have you had luck approaching?

[candie13]

I cannot believe the cultural differences, OMG, this thread made me laugh so hard!

 

I've never approached a guy in my life. Kiss a guy? Like me, out of the blue :D ? it took the guy I'm seeing three weeks to do that, hahaha!

 

At best, I may approach a guy on a dare, if I had 2 glasses of wine and my gfs would be on my case. At best, some conversation. I think giving the telephone number is hot, but it's totally unusual in this terribly cold and unfriendly part of the world. So that's a definite no for me . Hell, even when a guy approaches me and is cute and everything, I don't always give them my telephone number. It is important to say that I live in a city with 200,000 people in it... and it's considered large :eyeroll:. Everybody seems to be acquainted to everybody else here... nope. I may ask for his telephone number, now that I think of it

[Emilia]

I think that it can work if you don't get overly bummed out by rejection.

 

There are situations where men haven't noticed you (yet) or they are too shy to approach or they think you are taken or out of their league....

 

Maybe it's the rejection aspect too though I do chat them up ie talk to them and flirt with them, I just pull back if I'm thinking I'm doing all the work. I have never given my number without asking.

 

If he hasn't noticed me yet then he either will or I'm not his type. It doesn't even cross my mind that I should make him notice me I suppose. I just assume that he isn't interested.

 

If he is too shy to approach or if he thinks I'm out of his league then we will probably have issues during dating. I like nice guys and I go for nice guys but the really shy ones I'm not compatible with. I don't want to feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him just because I'm outspoken and straight up. I don't want to steamroll him.

 

In my personal experience (ie I don't think it's for everyone) it works better with me longer term if the guy is assertive. I don't have the nurturing skills to look after fragile egos, it's not realistic and it won't work in a relationship. I tried.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Maybe it's the rejection aspect too though I do chat them up ie talk to them and flirt with them, I just pull back if I'm thinking I'm doing all the work. I have never given my number without asking.

 

If he hasn't noticed me yet then he either will or I'm not his type. It doesn't even cross my mind that I should make him notice me I suppose. I just assume that he isn't interested.

 

If he is too shy to approach or if he thinks I'm out of his league then we will probably have issues during dating. I like nice guys and I go for nice guys but the really shy ones I'm not compatible with. I don't want to feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him just because I'm outspoken and straight up. I don't want to steamroll him.

 

In my personal experience (ie I don't think it's for everyone) it works better with me longer term if the guy is assertive. I don't have the nurturing skills to look after fragile egos, it's not realistic and it won't work in a relationship. I tried.

 

I have a soft spot for shy, insecure guys. Not that it ever worked out with them

[Emilia]

I have a soft spot for shy, insecure guys. Not that it ever worked out with them

 

I like shy but insecure is a no no. It's hard to keep guessing what it is that he is not sure of or offended by. Everyone is insecure about something but ideally they have enough confidence in themselves that makes them deal with it constructively.

 

My sister's partner is quite insecure and she picked him on purpose because she is the same too. It's true that they are well matched and neither is overbearing (his previous girlfriend was very dominating and it didn't work long term). It takes aaaaaaaaaaaaaaages for them to make a joint decision though. It would drive me insane. However, it works for them.

[candie13]

I would totally go for the more assertive type. I understand that some guys are unsure or insecure, but it is generally hard to me to keep my interest in them, if I feel they're just not sure. It's a lot more fun to spend my time with someone who likes me and participates at whatever it is that we're doing: activity or conversation.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I like shy but insecure is a no no. It's hard to keep guessing what it is that he is not sure of or offended by. Everyone is insecure about something but ideally they have enough confidence in themselves that makes them deal with it constructively.

 

My sister's partner is quite insecure and she picked him on purpose because she is the same too. It's true that they are well matched and neither is overbearing (his previous girlfriend was very dominating and it didn't work long term). It takes aaaaaaaaaaaaaaages for them to make a joint decision though. It would drive me insane. However, it works for them.

 

My brother is also a bit shy/insecure and his ex gf was very bossy and dominant. She often steamrolled him and he felt lost and frustrated as she was always in charge.

 

His current gf is more like himself. He seems really happy with her. To be honest, she really bores me; she never says much and seems really apathetic and lacking in passion and energy for life. But I could see that my bother is content and at peace. She is kind hearted even if they are boring together

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would totally go for the more assertive type. I understand that some guys are unsure or insecure, but it is generally hard to me to keep my interest in them, if I feel they're just not sure. It's a lot more fun to spend my time with someone who likes me and participates at whatever it is that we're doing: activity or conversation.

 

I do want to try and date those types of guys.

[Emilia]

I would totally go for the more assertive type. I understand that some guys are unsure or insecure, but it is generally hard to me to keep my interest in them, if I feel they're just not sure. It's a lot more fun to spend my time with someone who likes me and participates at whatever it is that we're doing: activity or conversation.

 

It's just that they know when to shake off stuff that's not relevant and not freak out so much over the smallest thing. What I'm trying to say I suppose is that I find them more relaxed than insecure guys and much easier to talk to. Unfortunately there are far fewer of them single. Wonder why?

[ascendotum]

Woah that takes guts.

 

I did a low key version when I met my ex. We were having an ordinary conversation at a party and I wasn't sure if it was going anywhere. So I waited for a brief pause and lightly touched his chest then kissed him on the cheek. I continued talking as normal. After that, he had trouble speaking He called the next day.

 

Good one. Okay so this is not as up front as your friend with the note for the stranger, its half way there. Just go with this strategy, since it worked well then.

Some guys will just go along for the ride initially as its an opportunity that's better than being single, but will re-evaluate if are you really what they want when you start to push for a higher level of commitment, and fade off then.

 

I gather you intend to take the initiative for guys that you get to know a little first, rather than just ask out a random guy strictly because be is cute but you no nothing about him or his personality, like your friend did.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Good one. Okay so this is not as up front as your friend with the note for the stranger, its half way there. Just go with this strategy, since it worked well then.

Some guys will just go along for the ride initially as its an opportunity that's better than being single, but will re-evaluate if are you really what they want when you start to push for a higher level of commitment, and fade off then.

 

I gather you intend to take the initiative for guys that you get to know a little first, rather than just ask out a random guy strictly because be is cute but you no nothing about him or his personality, like your friend did.

 

Yes, I am rarely just purely into a guy based on looks. I prefer personality and intelligence with more average looks.

 

I asked my ex later if he would have done anything if I hadn't kissed him on the cheek that night. He said that "absolutely" and that he was going to ask for my number even if I did nothing. He did say that my "gesture" was really sweet though, and he stayed up at night thinking about it and replaying it lol

[candie13]

that's it, right there, you put the finger on it: I may be comfortable to get to know a guy and strike up a conversation, but I would never follow up, for two reasons: first: if the conversation was boring or I found him a bit uninteresting, why waste both our times; second, if we did hit it off well and there was a connection, he should do the follow up (especially if I like him).

 

I wouldn't do any sexual games or try to hard, because... I know I am sexy, so why should that guy know that I fancy him already, in that sense ? No, sir, a bit of mystery does good to a person, especially if there are enough sparks to lid the room . This will also even a bit the game, later, if we realize we're good, together and want to see each other a bit more seriously. I am so convinced that while they may never admit it, guys do judge women by how they behave, how easy of a catch they are, how much effort it takes to get their clothes off, etc. Why shoot myself in the foor ?

[Shardish]

a bit of mystery does good to a person,

 

How has that faired for you thus far?

[todreaminblue]

It does me good to read your posts, I admire how you accept yourself and keep on going no matter what. Thanks

 

 

thanks archgirl, i was just reading some of my posts and worrying about them, feeling i am talking about about myself too much in other threads, feeling stupid i, and then i read this from you.....thats what happens to me i feel bad and start to worry and something or someone makes me feel better.happens all the time...thanks for being that person this time..now i can go back to listening to my music...smilin atcha ..hugs...deb

[ascendotum]

^ Asking a guy out does not have to = little effort to get her clothes off quickly. I feel it would help her chance of the guy taking her more seriously for a relationship in this instance if she held things back a bit, unless she has known the guy for a little while.

[candie13]

How has that faired for you thus far?

 

well, can't judge objectively, I only got my version of facts, haha!

 

It's ok, for the moment. For instance, there's this guy I met through one of my hobbies. I wasn't acting terribly interested, but he did give me his business card, asking me to drop him a line. I didn't . We kept running into each other and having fun conversations, you know, nice strokes of ego, teasing, a bit of flirting. So after a few random meetings, a couple of months later, I picked up the courage to drop him a line.

 

He was smart enough to take it from there and we started dating - he is the assertive type, luckily for me. So I guess it worked ok, haha! All the other guys I dated so far approached me and they were the ones to ask for my phone number and text. I am not dating any of them now, am I ?

[candie13]

^ Asking a guy out does not have to = little effort to get her clothes off quickly.

 

I didn't say that. What I said is ... not saying it's true, but I think "a guy may judge if you're relationship material by how you act at the beginning". From asking him out until becoming intimate. As you say, it's easy to go out with a girl whom you already know likes you. But considering her for a bit more... it's another thing.

[Emilia]

I didn't say that. What I said is ... not saying it's true, but I think "a guy may judge if you're relationship material by how you act at the beginning". From asking him out until becoming intimate. As you say, it's easy to go out with a girl whom you already know likes you. But considering her for a bit more... it's another thing.

 

I think that will depend on how experienced he is. Some will appreciate a woman who knows what she wants, others will think she must be a slut because she is 'forward'. Again, that will depend on how insecure he is and how much he trusts his own judgement.

[Emilia]

It's ok, for the moment. For instance, there's this guy I met through one of my hobbies. I wasn't acting terribly interested, but he did give me his business card, asking me to drop him a line. I didn't . We kept running into each other and having fun conversations, you know, nice strokes of ego, teasing, a bit of flirting. So after a few random meetings, a couple of months later, I picked up the courage to drop him a line.

 

Ah the difference between assertive and domineering.

[Shardish]

I am not dating any of them now, am I ?

 

As long as you are having great loving relationships from your perspectives then I would say it is successful and you should not fix what isn't broken.

 

I find that society sends mixed messages, I think irrespective of one's gender that if they like someone they should have no qualms about asking them out. I understand there is a fear of rejection and somehow if someone is rejected they immediately take such a rejection personally which is silly because there could be any number of reasons behind someone saying no, which might not necessarily have anything to do with you.

[Emilia]

I find that society sends mixed messages, I think irrespective of one's gender that if they like someone they should have no qualms about asking them out. I understand there is a fear of rejection and somehow if someone is rejected they immediately take such a rejection personally which is silly because there could be any number of reasons behind someone saying no, which might not necessarily have anything to do with you.

 

This would be true if men and women were socialised in the same way but we are not. Men in general are encouraged in life to go after what they want and testosterone is supposed to be the driving force behind this. In my experience when they don't go after what they want, there is usually a reason behind that and it's not something that should be ignored.

[Shardish]

In my experience when they don't go after what they want, there is usually a reason behind that and it's not something that should be ignored.

 

Yes there is usually a reason, maybe they are shy, reserved, have issues (like I do) or have a lack of confidence.

 

I have also read some articles which suggest that more and more men are choosing to remain single. So that could be another reason a man might not show any interest in women.

[Emilia]

Yes there is usually a reason, maybe they are shy, reserved, have issues (like I do) or have a lack of confidence.

 

I have also read some articles which suggest that more and more men are choosing to remain single. So that could be another reason a man might not show any interest in women.

 

Precisely which is why I don't overdo the approach. There is no point.

[Archgirl]

thanks archgirl, i was just reading some of my posts and worrying about them, feeling i am talking about about myself too much in other threads, feeling stupid i, and then i read this from you.....thats what happens to me i feel bad and start to worry and something or someone makes me feel better.happens all the time...thanks for being that person this time..now i can go back to listening to my music...smilin atcha ..hugs...deb

yay! That's how your posts make me feel, happy in a calm peaceful way hugs back!

[candie13]

In my experience when they don't go after what they want, there is usually a reason behind that and it's not something that should be ignored.

 

100% there. It should be easy, from both ends. This is why, in a way, I've never approached a guy. I don't know anything about him, I am only selecting him based on his looks. What if he's shallow? Or uninteresting? I don't like to act that way, because maybe the guy behind him, less dashing, is actually a much better match with the guy I picked initially. So I feel I am acting in a shallow way, myself. Plus, cute guys generally have a lot more success with women, I sort of resent players.

 

Should I ever decide to approach a guy, it would only be for the conversation of that evening, for a nice moment, for fun. If he's responsive, fine, great. But I don't want to worry about stuff like - will he want to give me his telephone number, will he call, will he want to date me, does he have a gf, etc. Just a good time, one evening. Easy. I am a woman, it's one of the luxuries in life I intend to take advantage of.

[candie13]

Ah the difference between assertive and domineering.

 

who's domineering ?