Did / does your MM trust you with his W?

[stevie_23]

Meaning, pretty early on my ex-MM gave me his landline phone number and his "normal" email address which his partner (now-wife) checked and had full access to. He also gave me his home address. He said if anything happened to him, like if I just didn't hear from him at all, and I was worried, as a last resort I could use that phone number and email and someone would be able to tell me. Obviously this is before his wife found out about us. I never used these numbers / emails, incidentally. I didn't need to.

 

And also ironically, the way it did end was him just disappearing. And that happened last year when he went into the hospital too. I had no idea if he was ok. And I now couldn't utilise any of those things he'd given me to prevent that happening...

 

But I mean, why would he trust me to this extent?? I could've called his home and spoken to his wife, I could've emailed her through that communal email address...you know?

 

Was he just...blinded by the relationship and so trusted me 100% and believed I would never "ruin" his life?

Edited February 22, 2013 by stevie_23

[thomasb]

You were "partners in crime." It is normal. Pretty much the same as when the affair was over and I gave my wife all OWs intimate details. That is pretty normal too.

[Lillyfree]

mine didn't even mention her name once.

 

however, he slipped up during irc chat in the group window... so i could have contacted her if i wanted to be a b*tch.

 

guess your MM just trusted you. i have to say, that's fairly rare, i don't think i would ever give anyone my personal details like home address. but i'm just paranoid when it comes to internet people

[jwi71]

Meaning, pretty early on my ex-MM gave me his landline phone number and his "normal" email address which his partner (now-wife) checked and had full access to. He also gave me his home address. He said if anything happened to him, like if I just didn't hear from him at all, and I was worried, as a last resort I could use that phone number and email and someone would be able to tell me. Obviously this is before his wife found out about us. I never used these numbers / emails, incidentally. I didn't need to.

 

And also ironically, the way it did end was him just disappearing. And that happened last year when he went into the hospital too. I had no idea if he was ok. And I now couldn't utilise any of those things he'd given me to prevent that happening...

 

But I mean, why would he trust me to this extent?? I could've called his home and spoken to his wife, I could've emailed her through that communal email address...you know?

 

Was he just...blinded by the relationship and so trusted me 100% and believed I would never "ruin" his life?

 

No. He knew you wouldn't likely use that info so it cost him nothing to give it to you. I'm fairly certain he had enough 'read' of you that he could give the info knowing you wouldn't use it.

 

So...he risks virtually nothing yet gains more of your trust. Not a bad play.

[wisernow]

No. He knew you wouldn't likely use that info so it cost him nothing to give it to you. I'm fairly certain he had enough 'read' of you that he could give the info knowing you wouldn't use it.

 

So...he risks virtually nothing yet gains more of your trust. Not a bad play.

 

And really, Stevie, it sounds like your "relationship" was very innocuous in the beginning. You both chatted about music. I, from what I understand about your on-line affair, it progressed, but it didn't sound to me like he was looking for an online affair, rather that progressed. Im still am at a loss as to how/why you have invested so much time and energy with an old man you've never even met face to face. It's sad to me, really.

Edited February 22, 2013 by wisernow

[Fallen Petals]

My xMM not only gave me his regular e-mail address and pw but had me link my phone to it so I would get updates from his calendar, which he began to use more regularly...I had his address of course, and when we were together he gave me his phone often...though I never went through it, it was clear he didn't care if I did. He basically trusted me in every sense you can trust a person - right down to allowing me access to the household safe. He knew I would never misuse those accesses, and I'm fairly certain he hasn't changed any of those pw's or codes since the BU.

 

As I've said before, I believe he loved me...and I believe he meant the things he said to me...and I have no idea what the recovery process is for him...I know for me it's been tough - especially when I think about things like that...but ultimately he must be happier there and truthfully - it's better this way. I never want to be runner up in any mans heart!

[Realist3]

My MOW has everything. My landline, cell, my wife's cell, my FB password, several email addresses(two that my wife and I share), everything.

[wisernow]

My MOW has everything. My landline, cell, my wife's cell, my FB password, several email addresses(two that my wife and I share), everything.

 

Aww,Realist, you truly are an enigma. Good on ya!

[Realist3]

I might be, but I don't have anything to hide from her.

[wisernow]

I might be, but I don't have anything to hide from her.

 

Or your wife apparently.

[stevie_23]

And really, Stevie, it sounds like your "relationship" was very innocuous in the beginning. You both chatted about music. I, from what I understand about your on-line affair, it progressed, but it didn't sound to me like he was looking for an online affair, rather that progressed. Im still am at a loss as to how/why you have invested so much time and energy with an old man you've never even met face to face. It's sad to me, really.

 

Yes, it was innocuous. It wasn't any sort of relationship until we got closer, about 1-2 years after first meeting and becoming casual forum friends.

 

Once we did become closer, we talked about everything. Not just music. That was only during the casual friendship years.

 

We got VERY close emotionally before we even realised how we truly felt about each other romantically. Emotionally, I was behaving EXACTLY the same as I had about 6 months previous with an ex-work colleague who became a close friend. There was no physical attraction there, but I had an emotional crush on this woman. She was married, not gay, etc, so it was safe and it was just a good very emotionally intimate friendship. But of course nothing would ever happen, and I didn't even want it to. When that fizzled, it was fine.

 

So...you know, at first I didn't expect anything beyond what I'd had with that friend of mine, which amounted to nothing but a brief "honeymoon" period of platonic friendship with some crush type feelings involved.

 

Neither of us was looking for an affair of any kind. It just happened. Emotional intimacy happened, and this led to...falling in love.

[Realist3]

Or your wife apparently.

 

Well my wife doesn't have my fb password, but she has never asked.

[stevie_23]

This........it makes the ow think they are in the circle and trusted and of course a mm knows if you want to continue the affair, it's highly unlikely you will use it against him. And.........in this day and age, if you wanted to find out the personal info, it's like snapping your fingers.........easy, peasy.

 

Stevie......I gather from your post, you think he gave you something of value.......you'd be wise to rethink that.

 

Hmm...value? I'm not sure. Did he risk anything? Yes. I mean, I don't think he's the type to ever try to cause me difficulty in terms of making trouble with my partner, but I still never gave him MY landline. I'm not listed in any phone book so he couldn't find me even if he had tried. He did know my address, but that wasn't an issue. We live SO far away, it didn't matter, and I get home before my partner everyday to check the mail even if he DID do something weird.

 

Anyway...I kind of asked this question because to me, it IS a risk. No matter how much you think you've "read" someone, you really don't know them that well. He gave me that stuff 2 months after getting together. And I hadn't yet shown him my "crazy" side. I wonder if he feared I'd go mad and tell his wife everything back then. I wonder if he regretted that decision.

[Lillyfree]

Well my wife doesn't have my fb password, but she has never asked.

 

why would MW ask you for your fb password? or anyone's for that matter?

[Lillyfree]

Hmm...value? I'm not sure. Did he risk anything? Yes. I mean, I don't think he's the type to ever try to cause me difficulty in terms of making trouble with my partner, but I still never gave him MY landline. I'm not listed in any phone book so he couldn't find me even if he had tried. He did know my address, but that wasn't an issue. We live SO far away, it didn't matter, and I get home before my partner everyday to check the mail even if he DID do something weird.

 

yeah... OM started going on about coming to my front door and getting me. and kidnapping me. not that i ever thought he would ever do anything close, but i was quietly glad i kept my home address a secret and wasn't listed anywhere.

[wisernow]

Yes, it was innocuous. It wasn't any sort of relationship until we got closer, about 1-2 years after first meeting and becoming casual forum friends.

 

Once we did become closer, we talked about everything. Not just music. That was only during the casual friendship years.

 

We got VERY close emotionally before we even realised how we truly felt about each other romantically. Emotionally, I was behaving EXACTLY the same as I had about 6 months previous with an ex-work colleague who became a close friend. There was no physical attraction there, but I had an emotional crush on this woman. She was married, not gay, etc, so it was safe and it was just a good very emotionally intimate friendship. But of course nothing would ever happen, and I didn't even want it to. When that fizzled, it was fine.

 

So...you know, at first I didn't expect anything beyond what I'd had with that friend of mine, which amounted to nothing but a brief "honeymoon" period of platonic friendship with some crush type feelings involved.

 

Neither of us was looking for an affair of any kind. It just happened. Emotional intimacy happened, and this led to...falling in love.

 

I hear/read what you're saying, Stevie. You crushed on an old man who shared an interest in music. How you got to feelings of love and faux feelings of an affair is beyond me. You have a real life, in the flesh woman, who is there for you, loves you, shares your life, emotions, bed, sex, yet you're hung up on this online, old, man you really know nothing about. I admit, I'm baffled.

 

Who cares what he shares with you with regards of email addresses and phone numbers, it's all bs. He is right where he what's to be, with the woman he wants to be with. And you're right where you want to be. I admit, I struggle with your story, I think you're a good person, but, I don't get your obsession with this man whom you've never met, never touched, only seen via the Internet. You have a real life, breathing relationship that you seem to easily dismiss for a fantasy. I don't get it. Do you?

[stevie_23]

Yeah, for me, I just didn't want even the SLIGHTEST degree of added risk on top of what I was already doing.

 

I was also thinking, with what wisernow said about me never having met my ex-MM and this being sad, well, yes, it is, however I am someone (based on my experiences) who views online / long distance relationships as valid. As I've said before, I met my partner online many years ago and I don't consider that part of our relationship before meeting and being together in person as not valid or not significant or not meaningful. It was very meaningful to us. And so too was my relationship with my ex-MM, online-only or not.

[stevie_23]

I hear/read what you're saying, Stevie. You crushed on an old man who shared an interest in music. How you got to feelings of love and faux feelings of an affair is beyond me. You have a real life, in the flesh woman, who is there for you, loves you, shares your life, emotions, bed, sex, yet you're hung up on this online, old, man you really know nothing about. I admit, I'm baffled.

 

Who cares what he shares with you with regards of email addresses and phone numbers, it's all bs. He is right where he what's to be, with the woman he wants to be with. And you're right where you want to be. I admit, I struggle with your story, I think you're a good person, but, I don't get your obsession with this man whom you've never met, never touched, only seen via the Internet. You have a real life, breathing relationship that you seem to easily dismiss for a fantasy. I don't get it. Do you?

 

I never saw him as "old". He looks 10 years younger than he is, and my partner is older than me also. She's 51. I'm 34. She could be considered by some to be an "old woman". (which I also think is untrue).

 

Also, we shared more than just music. We shared a lot of the same thoughts and feelings about things. It was just the normal falling in love thing, except over the internet (which happened to me with my real life partner too, as I said in my previous post), except we were both with other people and the age gap was bigger than with my partner.

 

And yes, we DO share good things. We haven't had sex for a billion years though. (I only mention that as you listed it in the things you said my real relationship has)

 

You say I dismiss my real life, breathing relationship as a fantasy? What do you mean by that?

[stevie_23]

OK for a few, I forgot the distance.......which is all the more reason, that giving you the info was easy for him.

 

Also.......the distance between you two and knowing it was highly unlikely you'd ever meet in real life made it easy for you to create this bubble.......do you see that?

 

Yes, I definitely do see that. The distance, his age, my sexuality that did not fit with my feelings for him being a man, it all made it feel "safe" enough for me to explore those feelings and indulge them at that distance. It also made it easier to continue once the feelings really became more serious. The bubble was much easier because it was at arm's length when I needed it to be.

 

We DID want to meet. We did INTEND to meet. We didn't want to just be in an A forever. But again, all of those plans (despite what we fantasised about) were also distant and thus...in the bubble...

[stevie_23]

You have a real life, breathing relationship that you seem to easily dismiss for a fantasy. I don't get it. Do you?

 

OHHH, sorry. I misread that last part when I referred to it in my previous post. I dismissed my real life partner FOR my now-ex-MM. I get it now. Yeah...well...it wasn't "easy" and I didn't "dismiss" her either. But I know what you mean. It didn't feel like a fantasy...

[Lillyfree]

stevie, what now? are you planning to stay in your current relationship? how are things there?

[wisernow]

I never saw him as "old". He looks 10 years younger than he is, and my partner is older than me also. She's 51. I'm 34. She could be considered by some to be an "old woman". (which I also think is untrue).

 

Also, we shared more than just music. We shared a lot of the same thoughts and feelings about things. It was just the normal falling in love thing, except over the internet (which happened to me with my real life partner too, as I said in my previous post), except we were both with other people and the age gap was bigger than with my partner.

 

And yes, we DO share good things. We haven't had sex for a billion years though. (I only mention that as you listed it in the things you said my real relationship has)

 

You say I dismiss my real life, breathing relationship as a fantasy? What do you mean by that?

 

Your relationship with this man was fantasy. You know nothing about him but what he shared with you over text. He has a real life relationship with an in the flesh, knows his business (good and bad), real woman. You were/are an escape/ fantasy to him. He doesn't truly know you either. I'm sure you felt this affinity with him,but, it was all words over text, a blinking cursor. Nothing really. I'm sure it felt real, but when stepped away from his keyboard, you knew nothing.

 

Your life with your so is real. Good or bad, that's real. You know her, she knows you. That is REAL life. Good, bad, or ugly, that relationship is real.

[stevie_23]

Lillyfree, things are exactly the same as they always were. The only difference is now I don't go online or spend time texting most nights after my partner goes to bed. (she goes to bed early due to getting up for work early. I have always been more of a night owl and we haven't gone to bed at the same time for many years, except on weekends when we always do make the effort to go to bed at the same time)

 

Things are "fine". Meaning, we're the same. Happy enough. We have some good, fun times. Nothing has really changed...

[stevie_23]

Your relationship with this man was fantasy. You know nothing about him but what he shared with you over text. He has a real life relationship with an in the flesh, knows his business (good and bad), real woman. You were/are an escape/ fantasy to him. He doesn't truly know you either. I'm sure you felt this affinity with him,but, it was all words over text, a blinking cursor. Nothing really. I'm sure it felt real, but when stepped away from his keyboard, you knew nothing.

 

Your life with your so is real. Good or bad, that's real. You know her, she knows you. That is REAL life. Good, bad, or ugly, that relationship is real.

 

I get your point, but firstly...do you consider my real life partner and I did not have a REAL relationship for the first 6-9 months when we were just online? We ONLY had online chat once a day and emails twice a day. NO phone calls ever. No texting. No videos or anything like that. Just a few photos. But she was real. And she still is, yes.

 

On the other hand, my ex-MM and I had online chats twice a day, emails a few times a day, texting almost constantly when we were both awake (14-15 hour time difference), phone calls and videos we made for each other. I have mentioned these videos in several other threads. Everyday we'd make a few videos for each other. I saw him cooking, cleaning, eating, brushing his teeth, even going to the TOILET a few times, having a shower, sitting around talking to me, driving, in the supermarket, trying on clothes in stores, doing some landscaping work, at his office he used to have, walking in the woods behind his house, making music in his studio, and the list goes on and on. Whatever he was doing, he'd film and I was the same. He saw me putting on makeup, getting dressed in the morning for work, sitting around talking to him, putting the groceries away, walking around the town where I live, just...anything and everything. We just spent these videos talking. Like more intimate emails to one another, so we could see the other person and hear their voice.

 

To us, it WAS real. But yes, there were obviously fantasy elements in it too.

 

Try to understand that ASIDE from the affair part (and I'm not dismissing this either, by the way), this was no less real than the start of my relationship with my long term partner. In fact, because of those videos and the phone calls and texts, it was MORE real, but besides that, in my ONLY other experience of an online relationship, it worked out in the end. Meaning, we were online for a long time and then when we met we were still wanting to be together, so we did it. It CAN work, and so I didn't automatically feel that this COULDN'T work, you know?

[wisernow]

fYI- I really like you, Stevie. I think you're a good person. I just truly hate the fact that you spend so much time questioning this mans motives. All the while you have something real and meaningful. Old, Internet dude is over.