don't want to commit

[xxoo]

I think she is "it," but I've thought that about someone else (me ex-wife) and it ended... badly. I trusted someone and it worked fine for many years but when she decided it was over she did all she could to take the kids, turn them against me, drain my bank account and ruin my career.

 

How can I trust my emotions/feelings/instincts now when I was so colossally wrong before?

 

That's a good question. Your divorce is on the extreme end of bad, with the mother disappearing from the children's lives. That's a really bad outcome. I can see how you'd be wary.

 

The best way to explore that question would be with a counselor. While you are there, explore the issue of wondering about younger, wealthier women, too--because that's a little odd if this woman is "perfect".

[RedRobin]

I don't see how a woman who does nothing at all but spend her husband's money is responsible for his success. Look at what Jerry Seinfeld has accomplished as a single man. His wife married him when he was a billionaire. She's responsible for none of his success. If men never got married, they'd have EXACTLY the same success without a wife. The same for women who become successful, usually as single women because they won't support a man who could give them the same homemaking and parenting as a housewife does for a man.

 

Jack earned his money on his first wife's time.

 

Those who come to the table with assets earned before they met their current partner is a different story.

 

If/when I get married again, I will have a prenup to protect my family heirlooms should we separate or even if I die before him. Since I wouldn't be having kids with him, the assets I had before I met him needs to go back to my family. I'd expect him to do the same. Assets he acquired before meeting me or through his family stay with him and his family unless explicitly written otherwise.

 

Assets gained during the partnership should be shared. Oh, and before you get all pissy... I made more than my ex-H.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Jack earned his money on his first wife's time.

 

Those who come to the table with assets earned before they met their current partner is a different story.

 

If/when I get married again, I will have a prenup to protect my family heirlooms should we separate or even if I die before him. Since I wouldn't be having kids with him, the assets I had before I met him needs to go back to my family. I'd expect him to do the same. Assets he acquired before meeting me or through his family stay with him and his family unless explicitly written otherwise.

 

Assets gained during the partnership should be shared. Oh, and before you get all pissy... I made more than my ex-H.

 

You make the assumption that just because you are married and with a woman, that all of your success is attributed to the support of your wife.

 

That's such politically correct BS. That's **** the president has to say.

 

What if he would have been just as successful or even more successful without his wife? How can you even gauge something like that and assume it's always the woman?

 

However when the man is not successful, he's just lazy and a lousy provider, in which of course has nothing to do with HER, how dare you criticize the woman for his lack of ambition and success....how convenient of a philosophy for women Red Robin!

 

How about when the wife brings you down with her psychotic episodes, constant bickering, and unhappiness due to her own faults and personal issues that weigh down on a man, where he feels like he'd rather be at work than at home?

 

What about when both partners are equally successful? do they have each other to attribute their success to? Would they have been otherwise failures?

 

It's a lot to say to make remark that "Their SO attributed to their success"..how do you even know the dynamic or what took place? You don't see musicians attributing their success to their wives, they typically did that before marriage...however according to Red Robin their musical genius is negligible if they were married because obviously the wife had a lot to do with it...but she decided to be in a relationship with that kind of a man, with that kind of a lifestyle, she chose to make a sacrifice for him, so now she gets all the credit.

 

That's what many women do, they want to claim crap they had nothing to do with and no hand in, just for being there, even if they were the ones that wanted it...the man automatically assumes 50 percent responsibility if not more...I'm telling you, some women are some clever and shrewd business women! They definitely know how to manipulate men into the better deal for themselves but make it look like it was "equal".

 

I understand that with children, and investing in the marriage can take a joint effort, but I think the person who doesn't work is getting far too much credit at times for things they may not even have done. But on the same hand...isn't that something that the wife also wanted out of her life? if a wife had to stay home and take care of children...HIS children of course, women always like to call it HIS children with a stronger sting because obviously she was forced to have sex and birth children...even though just like this woman who desires marriage and children can now flip it around once married and pregnant and say IM TAKING CARE OF THE BABY, YOU GO TO WORK AND MAKE THE MONEY AND BE SUCCESSFUL! but no no, there's no pressure on that, getting up every morning and dealing with the stresses of traffic, work, office politics and the uncertainty of being laid off or fired depending on the drastic shift of your companies "restructuring process" where 25 years of faithful servitude is flushed down the toilet all of a sudden...no, no, her sitting at home with baby that she wanted, with the life that she wanted, that she had pushed for before the marriage even materialized....that is all his fault, he deserves to pay the price for that....and his success...couldn't have happened with her running around bare footed in her sweats, gaining 50 pounds, watching Riki Lake while the baby sleeps and she puts her career on hold...that's his fault, he owes her for that...a monetary sum after the divorce, because clearly this was all his choice. What about the value of being a mother? what about the value of not having to work while you take care of YOUR baby...what ever happened to that? no no...that's your responsibility, that's all, you get no credit for that, but I get credit for sitting at home...because that's how many women say it works.

 

I feel sorry for men like that, I've met plenty a miserable married man in that exact same situation above (not referring to the OP)...the guy makes a hefty income but looks like he'd rather jump off the nearest cliff...it's always "for the kids" though. They fell for the white picket fence ideal, might have been great at first! always is....she was perfect, she was a real sweet heart...now she's busting your @ss for every bill that comes through the door, saying we need this, we need that, and that poor sap has no choice but to drag his feet and his head and comply, because women got you by the nuts and the rest of society will guilt that men unless he does nothing less than pay up and put out without an utter of a negative word.

 

Go ahead men! split your assets with the woman that's "perfect"...we'll see how perfect she is when the ***** hits the fan and she's got you locked in...then she can start doing things HER WAY. Women always build your success and make your life better didn't you know that? you automatically must attribute any positive outcome in your life to your SO, if not, you are just merely an ungrateful bastard...and women wonder why men don't want to settle down, look around you guys, talk to the men who are already married instead of listen to the women on LS...the reality will slap you in the face real fast!

[Woggle]

After I divorced my first wife I kicked ass at my job and made enough to get my house paid off in less than a decade. Sometimes getting the albatross off your neck can be a great thing. Of course being a great marriage now makes it even better.

[xxoo]

They fell for the white picket fence ideal, might have been great at first! always is....she was perfect, she was a real sweet heart...now she's busting your @ss for every bill that comes through the door, saying we need this, we need that, and that poor sap has no choice but to drag his feet and his head and comply, because women got you by the nuts and the rest of society will guilt that men unless he does nothing less than pay up and put out without an utter of a negative word.

 

You could say "no".

 

Marry a woman who is resourceful, who rejects "society's" judgments, and who is not materialistic.

 

But would you be attracted to a woman like that?

[Woggle]

You could say "no".

 

Marry a woman who is resourceful, who rejects "society's" judgments, and who is not materialistic.

 

But would you be attracted to a woman like that?

 

I sure am and she is still hot as hell. The problem is that many men use money as the bait to hook a fish in the sea and then wonder why a materialistic woman bites. If I were a billionaire I would downplay the fact that I was wealthy when dating.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You could say "no".

 

Marry a woman who is resourceful, who rejects "society's" judgments, and who is not materialistic.

 

But would you be attracted to a woman like that?

 

Men could always say no, and so could women.

 

But as you can see with the OP, it applies pressure, you feel coaxed into a situation you know you aren't prepared for but feel like you "don't want to lose her" and what if you're making a mistake letting her go and all of that.

 

Men who typically come out of divorces don't do too well alone, they shack up with another woman immediately, they're used to a certain dynamic and end up thinking with all this new found, sex, love and companionship that maybe now they found the perfect someone.

 

It's lack of experience and seeing the bigger picture, being single takes some adjustment and it's exacerbated by recent events and experiences...feeling the need/desire to attach to familiar territory as well as that new car smell, you end up getting in over your head IMO. I see it a lot, too over zealous, it's a vulnerable time for a man and typically a perfect time for women to strike...in which they do.

 

Men are attracted to women who have a "standard" and take care of themselves to a moderate extent. Being materialistic is not always a bad thing however, for men who identify with their status/job/income, they help fit that "classy" and upscale...what is perceived as a more "intellectual" persona.

 

Therefore successfully educated men may have a hard time relating to the "simple nature" of women of a different background, there's a disconnect on lifestyle and what is "appropriate" in certain circumstances...they need someone who is on "their level".

 

Personally, I'd take the girl that made 40k If I was ready for marriage and in the OP's shoes...I'd rather have someone down to earth and appreciates things than sees them as necessities and they are simply entitled to them. However that doesn't exclude the women who make more necessarily, that can really depend on attitude and demeanor towards life...it doesn't take money for a woman to act like a diva.

 

I'd imagine the OP has a pretty decent catch, he's just not ready for that level of commitment and I think he should move on...but regardless, he likely needs her and she probably wouldn't walk away at any rate...that good ole "investment" in a woman's mind kicks in and I think both will likely just end up playing games with each other in the future ending in the relationships ultimate demise and weariness of nothing progressing...unless of course he buckles, which with his kids I don't think he'd do.

[xxoo]

So he needs her more than he wants her.

 

What happens when he inevitably meets someone he deeply wants? Often, they dump the placeholder and commit to the new one.

[RedRobin]

If I were a billionaire I would downplay the fact that I was wealthy when dating.

 

 

... and why women shouldn't share their age with strangers either (ok, couldn't resist!)

 

... the problem is, if you were a billionaire, you'd have to change your name too, and lie about where you work and what you do all day. I imagine it is tough for a truly wealthy guy... much like a truly beautiful woman... to sort out who the good ones are.

 

Mark Zuckerberg married a woman he went to college with. Bill Gates married one of the managers in his company. They didn't meet on Match.com.

[Woggle]

... and why women shouldn't share their age with strangers either (ok, couldn't resist!)

 

... the problem is, if you were a billionaire, you'd have to change your name too, and lie about where you work and what you do all day. I imagine it is tough for a truly wealthy guy... much like a truly beautiful woman... to sort out who the good ones are.

 

Mark Zuckerberg married a woman he went to college with. Bill Gates married one of the managers in his company. They didn't meet on Match.com.

 

I would never lie about it but it is not what I would use to hook women. I am already doing well and I am not flashy or materialistic.

[xxoo]

People can be rich with small houses and simple cars, or in deep debt with big houses and flashy cars.

 

You can be honest about being wealthy, but not promise--or advertise--any sort of luxurious lifestyle. The gold-diggers aren't looking for frugal partners.

[crude]

 

Mark Zuckerberg married a woman he went to college with. Bill Gates married one of the managers in his company. They didn't meet on Match.com.

 

Those guys made their money when they were SINGLE. If they were married, somehow their wives would claim that they wouldn't have been successful without the wife standing behind him.

[mortensorchid]

You say that she's perfect, but you're not committing? It's based on finances only? Exactly why do you feel this way about her? Because it's contradictory. I wish I had some sympathy for you, but after hearing a million and one excuses from guys over the years which are ultimately saying "I won't commit because I don't want to commit to you", they are also saying "I want something better" which actually turns out to be a piece of trash. You also sound like someone who should know much better at your age. After you've had your fair share of women in the past, you should know what is/isn't worth your time anymore and who is worth their salt.

 

If this woman is otherwise perfect but you don't want to commit for whatever reason, then you should end it. It's rather painful, but be an adult and tell her up front. Whatever you do, don't tell her that she's weird or strange or crazy or something, tell her because you're a good man who does not avoid or run away like a coward. Better it ends now rather than later.

[pbjbear]

I'm just saying it's crossed my mind before. "What will it get me" means I don't know how it'd make me better off than what I am currently, with someone who is a great partner. I think we all have moments of self-doubt; wondering if we're making the right choices. I would like to be with someone not wrapped up in a career - someone who won't have to adjust their schedule to make home/family/vacation time. Working on my schedule is hard enough, getting 2 schedules to sync sounds impossible.

 

 

Its obvious you dont think your current partner is good enough for you and you are just settling. Dump her so she wont waste anymore of her time