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don't want to commit

nestlequik

By nestlequik
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RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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When guys say they don't want to get married again or not yet, what they say is "not to you".

 

A year and half is plenty of time...

 

Lots of guys do the GIG routine... and try to string women along with the 'ooo! I dunno" talk.

 

Whatever. Stop being a prick and just break up with her. Or can you not handle being alone???

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nestlequik Member

nestlequik

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I don't think that marriage is the OP's big problem here. Commitment is not only marriage or talk about marriage.

It's simply the thought of moving in together that had him in cold sweat. Like MOST NORMAL NON-MARRIED couples do.

 

The "marriage talk" is irrelevant to this. He doesn't want to commit (move in together) to his gf after 1.5 years of dating each other. He wants his weekdays free apparently... I would "pester" him, too. Well, he can't have it all now can he? He sounds like a cake-eater. He obviously wants the perks of a relationship (not talking about marriage here) without actually committing. If I was his gf I'd be fuming.

 

Also, now that I have kids I honestly wouldn't want to move in with someone unless I was married to them or at least engaged to them... I don't want my kids to think it's OK to flippantly move in with someone.

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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When guys say they don't want to get married again or not yet, what they say is "not to you".

 

A year and half is plenty of time...

 

Lots of guys do the GIG routine... and try to string women along with the 'ooo! I dunno" talk.

 

Whatever. Stop being a prick and just break up with her. Or can you not handle being alone???

 

Not true. I have a friend who will not get married no matter who the woman is. You couldn't pay him enough money to walk down the aisle.

silvermercy Established Member

silvermercy

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Dang, you sound angry :cool:

 

She has a son, and he is older and with his father half the time. My daughter is younger and has a lot of anxiety from her mother abandoning her. I think she is a great mother and would love for her to move in and take a bigger role in the lives of our kids. I would love for her to be their mother. But I just want to be careful... is that so wrong?

Yes. You most definitely are. You sound extremely selfish anyway, as well as the type of man I always try to avoid.

 

How about you stop stringing your gf along and find this "younger woman" (in her 20s I suppose so you delay the kids talk as much as possible) and who also has a "stronger career"? Hm?

 

Seriously? You disgust me... :sick:

silvermercy Established Member

silvermercy

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Also, now that I have kids I honestly wouldn't want to move in with someone unless I was married to them or at least engaged to them... I don't want my kids to think it's OK to flippantly move in with someone.

Stop presenting yourself as a good father when you're such a douche of a bf!

Excuses excuses excuses... :sick: You're not a good man. Sorry.

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nestlequik Member

nestlequik

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When guys say they don't want to get married again or not yet, what they say is "not to you".

 

A year and half is plenty of time...

 

Lots of guys do the GIG routine... and try to string women along with the 'ooo! I dunno" talk.

 

Whatever. Stop being a prick and just break up with her. Or can you not handle being alone???

 

How does being happy with where we're at now in the relationship equate with stringing her along? You act as though I'm taking advantage of her or behaving immorally.

 

I met the current gf while in the process of divorcing the ex. She was single for 2 years before meeting me. I think it just feels sudden to me to be living together or married to someone else so soon. I mean if I was in her shoes, single for 2 years then dating someone for 1.5 years, I'd probably be ready for more too. We're just operating on different timelines.

silvermercy Established Member

silvermercy

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How does being happy with where we're at now in the relationship equate with stringing her along? You act as though I'm taking advantage of her or behaving immorally.

 

I met the current gf while in the process of divorcing the ex. She was single for 2 years before meeting me. I think it just feels sudden to me to be living together or married to someone else so soon. I mean if I was in her shoes, single for 2 years then dating someone for 1.5 years, I'd probably be ready for more too. We're just operating on different timelines.

I call that stringing along.

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nestlequik Member

nestlequik

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Stop presenting yourself as a good father when you're such a douche of a bf!

Excuses excuses excuses... :sick: You're not a good man. Sorry.

 

Now I'm a bad parent, a bad boyfriend and a bad person? Because I don't want to move in with my girlfriend? You're clearly just trolling now...

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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How does being happy with where we're at now in the relationship equate with stringing her along? You act as though I'm taking advantage of her or behaving immorally.

 

I met the current gf while in the process of divorcing the ex. She was single for 2 years before meeting me. I think it just feels sudden to me to be living together or married to someone else so soon. I mean if I was in her shoes, single for 2 years then dating someone for 1.5 years, I'd probably be ready for more too. We're just operating on different timelines.

 

blah blah blah...

 

user talk...

 

I hope she has the cajones to break up with you... cause you don't care about her at all.

 

It's all about you.

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silvermercy Established Member

silvermercy

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Now I'm a bad parent, a bad boyfriend and a bad person? Because I don't want to move in with my girlfriend? You're clearly just trolling now...

Oh really? LOL You call it trolling when someone tells you the TRUTH based on your own posts? You posted here, it doesn't mean people are going to sugar-coat it for you.

Next time learn to read carefully between the lines:

I said you're not a good MAN. This is based on your actions towards your gf only. You are totally stringing her alone, poor girl. Bad men can also be good fathers. I said you present your kid situation as an excuse, on this forum at least, to treat your gf so badly. As a result, why, yes, you ARE a bad boyfriend and, thus, a bad person. Never said you're a bad parent.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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We're just operating on different timelines.

 

That's fine.

 

Be very clear about your timeline to her. Leave no room for interpretation. You know what she wants to know: are living together, marriage, kids in our near future? If the answer is No, then by all means be honest about it.

 

If you hedge the question because you are worried that she'll leave you, then you are stringing her along. If you are honest and she decides to stay, then all is good!

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amolya Member

amolya

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Sometimes I think about dating someone younger or with a stronger career. What this would get me, I don't know. I make $500k per year and she makes less than $40k. ..

 

That is the major red flag for me in your post. There's nothing wrong with being cautious about moving in with someone, but thinking about dating younger and richer women? Wondering what it would 'get you'? What about a loving caring partner who makes you and your kids happy? I really don't think you honestly believe she is as 'perfect' as you say she is. If you're not willing to take this risk for her (moving in) then you're better off breaking it off so she can find a man who truly loves her and can give her what she wants...

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nestlequik Member

nestlequik

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Oh really? LOL You call it trolling when someone tells you the TRUTH based on your own posts? You posted here, it doesn't mean people are going to sugar-coat it for you.

Next time learn to read carefully between the lines:

I said you're not a good MAN. This is based on your actions towards your gf only. You are totally stringing her alone, poor girl. Bad men can also be good fathers. I said you present your kid situation as an excuse, on this forum at least, to treat your gf so badly. As a result, why, yes, you ARE a bad boyfriend and, thus, a bad person. Never said you're a bad parent.

 

I would define stringing along as explicitly telling or implying to her that I want to get married or have kids. We have never discussed marriage before. When asked if I want to have more children I've told her "probably, but not so soon because my youngest is just turning 3," and that's the honest truth.

 

I'll tell her exactly how I feel about moving in. I'm not one to hide my feelings. My purpose of posting here was to get a prediction on her reaction. Apparently she'll realize what an ass I am and I'll be single again...

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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I don't think this statement is accurate. I'm not stringing her a long. I could see myself being married or having kids - possibly - I just don't want that right now. And I don't want to move in together until I know that's what I want. My feelings might change at some point. It's just unfair to tell her I want to marry/have kids/move in now when that's not what I'm comfortable doing.

Given that you started seeing her just 6 months after your divorce (or during your divorce), it makes sense that you're not ready to commit to her after 1 1/2 years together.

 

She was foolish to date someone in your situation, and she has to deal with the consequences of that decision now (your aversion to commitment).

 

You're obviously going to maneuver the best deal for yourself. You're already pondering what a younger, higher-earning chick could "get you".

 

Your "date" is going to have to figure this out for herself.

 

At least it's educational for other women here who might be in similar situations.

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nestlequik Member

nestlequik

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That is the major red flag for me in your post. There's nothing wrong with being cautious about moving in with someone, but thinking about dating younger and richer women? Wondering what it would 'get you'? What about a loving caring partner who makes you and your kids happy? I really don't think you honestly believe she is as 'perfect' as you say she is. If you're not willing to take this risk for her (moving in) then you're better off breaking it off so she can find a man who truly loves her and can give her what she wants...

 

I'm just saying it's crossed my mind before. "What will it get me" means I don't know how it'd make me better off than what I am currently, with someone who is a great partner. I think we all have moments of self-doubt; wondering if we're making the right choices. I would like to be with someone not wrapped up in a career - someone who won't have to adjust their schedule to make home/family/vacation time. Working on my schedule is hard enough, getting 2 schedules to sync sounds impossible.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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I'll tell her exactly how I feel about moving in. I'm not one to hide my feelings. My purpose of posting here was to get a prediction on her reaction. Apparently she'll realize what an ass I am and I'll be single again...

 

You should also tell her that you have thoughts of dating more (others) before settling down.

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Drseussgrrl Established Member

Drseussgrrl

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Trust me, when you meet a woman you're crazy about enough to marry, you will do so with no hesitation.

 

I saw my ex through his wearing braces, grad school, his grandmother passing away, spending every single holiday with his family, dealing with his crazy mother, and waited 3 years to get a ring. He broke up with me three months before our wedding when he met the REAL "one" for him and proposed to HER within 8 months of our breaking up.

 

Never again will I be with a man who has "hesitations". At first I thought it was him and his type A attitude to do everything correctly and by the book.

 

Boy was I stupid.

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Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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Boy was I stupid.

Most of us have been there :laugh:

 

But once you get wise, it feels great to next a wishy-washy guy.

 

I'm glad there are forums and threads like this one, so younger women can learn this stuff the easy way, rather than the hard way!

 

Before reading numerous threads in this vein, I had no idea why it was such a bad idea to date a recently divorced guy. Now I know that it would be extremely risky to date a guy who'd been divorced for 2 years or less. There's no way through that cynical crust. The OP claims his girl is "perfect", yet he's still wishy-washy! :laugh:

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Cynicism isn't always a bad thing. With the state of marriage and relationships these days it is just not smart to jump in haphazardly.

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Drseussgrrl Established Member

Drseussgrrl

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Cynicism isn't always a bad thing. With the state of marriage and relationships these days it is just not smart to jump in haphazardly.

 

When a man's really in love it doesn't feel "haphazard". It's what he wants and he goes for it.

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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When a man's really in love it doesn't feel "haphazard". It's what he wants and he goes for it.

 

I am in love with my wife but I still took my time because I think with the right head. No important decision I make is ever made without carefully looking at everything.

Drseussgrrl Established Member

Drseussgrrl

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I am in love with my wife but I still took my time because I think with the right head. No important decision I make is ever made without carefully looking at everything.

 

During this "time", were you thinking about what it could be like with a younger, richer woman also?

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xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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I am in love with my wife but I still took my time because I think with the right head. No important decision I make is ever made without carefully looking at everything.

 

Yes, but you were engaged in 12 months. You had clear intentions and plans with her. You were simply being cautious, but the desire to marry her was clearly there.

 

You weren't wondering if there was something better out there (younger, wealthier). YOu just wanted to make sure that the wonderful thing you had in her was real. And that's smart!

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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During this "time", were you thinking about what it could be like with a younger, richer woman also?

 

No but I was wondering if this marriage would just turn out like my first one and so many other marriages I have seen. Believe I did have fears but she is the only I would marry and is still the only woman I would walk down the aisle for. I have issues with modern marriage in general so for her to be able to put me at ease over those issues means I really am in love.

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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No but I was wondering if this marriage would just turn out like my first one and so many other marriages I have seen. Believe I did have fears but she is the only I would marry and is still the only woman I would walk down the aisle for. I have issues with modern marriage in general so for her to be able to put me at ease over those issues means I really am in love.

Exactly. Even with all the **** you've been through, you were willing to take that chance with your wife - because she was the one.

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