nestlequik Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I've been dating the perfect girl for 1.5 years. She's awesome. I honestly could not ask for a better partner. She's fun, loyal, beautiful, let's me have my own time, etc. etc. etc. I'm 32 and she's 33. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship, ages 9 and 3. They have no relationship with their mother, my ex-wife. After the divorce 2 years ago she just vanished. My gf is 33 and has a 13 year old from her previous marriage. We do not live together but spend lots of time together. Typically she stays over weekends. Lately she's been asking if I want to have more kids (she does, I'm unsure), kind of like in a pestering way. A few days ago she asked me if I want to move in together after her lease is up in a few months. I love her but I'm not sure I want this level of commitment. If things don't work out I don't want my kids to go through another separation. Then my life will just be a long line of women moving in and out of the house... lol. As I said before, she's perfect. I have no reason to NOT want to be here. I guess I've thought maybe I should have dated other people before her. Sometimes I think about dating someone younger or with a stronger career. What this would get me, I don't know. I make $500k per year and she makes less than $40k. So anyways, I'm going to tell her I don't want to move in together anytime soon, and the reason is it seems risky from the "what if we break up" standpoint. Just wondering if telling her this would ultimately lead to the demise of our relationship. She definitely wants to be married again and is feeling the clock ticking...
Ruby Slippers Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Yeah, she'll probably leave after you tell her. She wants to marry again and have more kids. And you don't want that with her. Just be straight with her. It's not right to string her along. 10
IAmRobot Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I've been dating the perfect girl for 1.5 years. She's awesome. I honestly could not ask for a better partner. She's fun, loyal, beautiful, let's me have my own time, etc. etc. etc. I'm 32 and she's 33. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship, ages 9 and 3. They have no relationship with their mother, my ex-wife. After the divorce 2 years ago she just vanished. My gf is 33 and has a 13 year old from her previous marriage. We do not live together but spend lots of time together. Typically she stays over weekends. Lately she's been asking if I want to have more kids (she does, I'm unsure), kind of like in a pestering way. A few days ago she asked me if I want to move in together after her lease is up in a few months. I love her but I'm not sure I want this level of commitment. If things don't work out I don't want my kids to go through another separation. Then my life will just be a long line of women moving in and out of the house... lol. As I said before, she's perfect. I have no reason to NOT want to be here. I guess I've thought maybe I should have dated other people before her. Sometimes I think about dating someone younger or with a stronger career. What this would get me, I don't know. I make $500k per year and she makes less than $40k. So anyways, I'm going to tell her I don't want to move in together anytime soon, and the reason is it seems risky from the "what if we break up" standpoint. Just wondering if telling her this would ultimately lead to the demise of our relationship. She definitely wants to be married again and is feeling the clock ticking... I see the only barrier being economical. So point being, do you wanna risk your economic well being? As for relationship risk.... There's no gain without risk. And you making $500 k / year should know it. Yes. Please if you do not see a future with her, then do not string her along. Tell her straight up and hopefully she ll move one and find someone who wants the same thing.
crude Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 It's easy for someone making less than $40K to want to marry someone making $500K. If she was making the 500 and you the 37, you can be damn sure she wouldn't be planning a future with you. Women change during a marriage, and no matter how good you think she is now, she'll be a different person soon enough. You've made a success of your life, why take the risk of pissing it all away?
Eggplant Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Sometimes I think about dating someone younger or with a stronger career. What this would get me, I don't know. I make $500k per year and she makes less than $40k. I recommend leaving the relationship. You feel you can do better. This kind of so-so attitude is probably not strong enough to sustain a life-long marriage. Let her find somebody who is grateful to have her.
Author nestlequik Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Yeah, she'll probably leave after you tell her. She wants to marry again and have more kids. And you don't want that with her. Just be straight with her. It's not right to string her along. I don't think this statement is accurate. I'm not stringing her a long. I could see myself being married or having kids - possibly - I just don't want that right now. And I don't want to move in together until I know that's what I want. My feelings might change at some point. It's just unfair to tell her I want to marry/have kids/move in now when that's not what I'm comfortable doing.
Author nestlequik Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 It's easy for someone making less than $40K to want to marry someone making $500K. If she was making the 500 and you the 37, you can be damn sure she wouldn't be planning a future with you. Women change during a marriage, and no matter how good you think she is now, she'll be a different person soon enough. You've made a success of your life, why take the risk of pissing it all away? She's not a gold digger. I don't care how much money she makes. I'm sure she's happy to have a financially successful boyfriend but it's not everything or the only thing to her. However, people do change. She may change. Maybe I'll change. That's why I want to be cautious when taking a big step like moving in. I went through an ugly divorce and learned this lesson. I don't want it to happen again, especially with my kids around.
Emissary Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Why don't you just let her move in? Let her be a bigger part of your life for a while and decide from there. You don't know if you want to get married again, you don't know if you want another kid, there are a lot of things you will never know if you don't man up and see for yourself. You shouldn't jump into marriage and you certainly shouldn't jump into having another kid on a whim, but if you really do love her, you will make an effort to satisfy her. You don't have to say yes to another kid to satisfy her, all you need to do is take baby steps. Keep going further, if you still love her, just keep pushing. You're unsure because your relationship with her is still too young, so it's natural you would be unsure about such major commitments. However, that is NOT a reason to pussy out and refuse to get your feet wet. 1
silvermercy Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) If you're thinking these thoughts that you're voicing here surely you're not so much into her??? Right now you're getting obvious cold feet. Seriously, nothing would stop you if you felt more strongly about her. It has nothing to do with being more cautious. This is an excuse really... In addition, she has a kid, too, so she should be feeling the same as you about being cautious. And I doubt she's not a good mother to her own kid. But that doesn't seem to phase her so much from moving in together. Only you... She's not the one making threads here. If a man actually voiced his concerns about a possible future break up and other hypothetical 'what ifs' and worst case scenarios, it'd be such a huge deal-breaker for me. I'd actually do him a favour and break up with him first. Indeed, let her go, but for her own sake please - and the kids' of course. Edited February 22, 2013 by silvermercy 1
crude Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 She's not a gold digger. I don't care how much money she makes. I'm sure she's happy to have a financially successful boyfriend but it's not everything or the only thing to her. I understand that now she's a nice person who isn't a gold digger. However, the phrase judges use in awarding alimony is "lifestyle she's become accustomed to". When a woman becomes accustomed to a lifestyle she didn't crave or marry for, she fights to the death to maintain it, even if she USED to be a fine person. The mention of younger women on your part is a red flag and portends to trouble or regrets for you.
silvermercy Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) Seriously, will people stop making ASSUMPTIONS about her being or becoming a gold-digger every time they see a richer man with a poorer woman!? This is not nice and many times it couldn't be further from the truth!! Plus, may I remind you, there are also those little things called prenup contracts... I just can't believe some people... Edited February 22, 2013 by silvermercy 2
Woggle Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 If you can't express your fears about commitment to her without her wanting to break up maybe she isn't the one for you. I laid it all on the table with my wife and it made our relationships stronger. Just because people don't want to jump into commitment haphazardly does not mean they don't care about a person. It is not wrong to want to protect your heart and your wallet. It in fact perfect common sense.
silvermercy Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) Personally I would never date a commitment-phone... Sorry... It screams I don't really care enough about you to commit. And most women want commitment. I would immediately break up with a person raising his concerns about commitment to me. HE's not the one for me. Edited February 22, 2013 by silvermercy 1
Woggle Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Personally I would never date a commitment-phone... Sorry... It screams I don't really care enough about you to commit. And most women want commitment. Having fears about commitment in these days and times pretty rational. Just look at the state of marriage and relationships. I feel that if somebody really cares about you they should understand within reason why you are fearful. If the person still doesn't want to commit then leave but at least hear somebody out instead of expecting them to jump into what is currently a shaky institution with blinders on.
silvermercy Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) Having fears about commitment in these days and times pretty rational. Just look at the state of marriage and relationships. I feel that if somebody really cares about you they should understand within reason why you are fearful. If the person still doesn't want to commit then leave but at least hear somebody out instead of expecting them to jump into what is currently a shaky institution with blinders on. Oh I would actually LOVE to hear his concerns so I know where I stand in his priority list. And so as to make a fast and clean break from him. It's better than not knowing. All relationships are risks. They've been like that forever, not just today. Most relationships that exist and existed were based on an initial risk. And they actually committed to each other DESPITE the risk. So why should I accept any less then? Especially after 1.5 years! Notice how the OP mentions she's "dating" his gf for 1.5 years! I'm sorry but that's a very long time in the dating world to be dating someone! Like your own gf for example... Poor woman I can't blame her for wanting a commitment and wanting to know where she stands. 1.5 years... That's not irrational for her or anyone actually! I feel so sorry for her right now... Besides, according to the OP, she's "perfect", right? So what's the problem then? I'll tell ya, the OP is just not that into her and is simply stringing this "perfect" gf along... I mean she WAS perfect, until she pushed him for commitment, that is. Then she stopped being perfect. Obviously a shameless imperfection on her part. How dare she... P.S. As I already mentioned before, I find this talk about being concerned about his kids and being a good father, just a feeble excuse, sorry... It wouldn't work on me. Besides, she has kids, too, no? Unless the OP implies this "perfect" gf is not a good mother due to her desire to commit and move together. In other words, she's not concerned about her kid as much as he is for his own. Which is such a conflicting idea (since he says she's "perfect"). He, on the contrary, is such a good father... Edited February 22, 2013 by silvermercy 2
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I don't think this statement is accurate. I'm not stringing her a long. I could see myself being married or having kids - possibly - I just don't want that right now. And I don't want to move in together until I know that's what I want. My feelings might change at some point. It's just unfair to tell her I want to marry/have kids/move in now when that's not what I'm comfortable doing. You need to get over the trauma of your divorce and it will take several years. Potentially more than one partner. It is completely natural how you are feeling.
Dusk1983 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Seriously, will people stop making ASSUMPTIONS about her being or becoming a gold-digger every time they see a richer man with a poorer woman!? This is not nice and many times it couldn't be further from the truth!! And in many cases, how a woman is before and during a marriage is irrelevant once it's over. That "unimportant financial thing" suddenly becomes not so unimportant. It becomes everything. The crux of divorce proceedings and a millstone around his neck forever more. Divorce turns us all into selfish bastards.
pbjbear Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 And in many cases, how a woman is before and during a marriage is irrelevant once it's over. That "unimportant financial thing" suddenly becomes not so unimportant. It becomes everything. The crux of divorce proceedings and a millstone around his neck forever more. Divorce turns us all into selfish bastards. I dont know why women get this bad rep for changing during a marriage. Men do too! It goes for BOTH genders. I know many married women in my social circle who when they were just dating, I thought their boyriends were great and so did the girlfriends. Now not so much. Their wives complain their husbands have become detached and rude and want quickies all the time. Not saying ALL men do this I know some that dont, but its not just women! Men can give up and have a stop trying attitude or be pushy once the chase is over, ya know. Its a risk a man and woman has to take when they decide to get married. 4
clia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I don't think this statement is accurate. I'm not stringing her a long. I could see myself being married or having kids - possibly - I just don't want that right now. And I don't want to move in together until I know that's what I want. My feelings might change at some point. It's just unfair to tell her I want to marry/have kids/move in now when that's not what I'm comfortable doing. I completely understand where you are coming from. I've had to have this exact talk in the past. I think you just have to be straight with her and tell her you do not want to move in together right now. She will probably ask you "when" and "why not" and get teary eyed. Stand firm. She may leave the relationship after you tell her. That's up to her. She's an adult and can make that decision for herself. However, my suspicion is that she will stick around and try to get you to change your mind. That is what most women do even when men tell them the straight up truth in black and white. Also, it seems like she has a good thing with you, so she probably won't give it up on a whim. The important thing, though, is that you be honest.
xxoo Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 If you can't express your fears about commitment to her without her wanting to break up maybe she isn't the one for you. I laid it all on the table with my wife and it made our relationships stronger. Just because people don't want to jump into commitment haphazardly does not mean they don't care about a person. It is not wrong to want to protect your heart and your wallet. It in fact perfect common sense. I agree that you should be able to talk to her about this. You should be able to share your concerns with her, as well as your current desires. I don't think this statement is accurate. I'm not stringing her a long. I could see myself being married or having kids - possibly - I just don't want that right now. And I don't want to move in together until I know that's what I want. My feelings might change at some point. It's just unfair to tell her I want to marry/have kids/move in now when that's not what I'm comfortable doing. Tell her just that. It is up to her to decide if she wants to stay in the relationship and give it more time, considering her own desires. If you don't have the frank conversation with her, you are stringing her along because you know she wants more, and you aren't telling her that your desires are not currently the same. FWIW, I agree with you about not moving in until you are very sure, because there are 3 kids involved. 1
sabre80 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Your story is similar to mine. My kids 9 and 7 ex just vanished. Thing is you are already past the point of kids getting attached. They already are weather or not your girl moves in with you. After 1.5 years (do not know when you introduced your kids to her) and spending weekends together they will feel the sting of loss if you and her do not work out as it is. 1
Woggle Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 The way I see it is that if she won't listen to my concerns on something as life changing as marriage in what other areas will she not hear me out?
silvermercy Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) The way I see it is that if she won't listen to my concerns on something as life changing as marriage in what other areas will she not hear me out? I don't think that marriage is the OP's big problem here. Commitment is not only marriage or talk about marriage. It's simply the thought of moving in together that had him in cold sweat. Like MOST NORMAL NON-MARRIED couples do. The "marriage talk" is irrelevant to this. He doesn't want to commit (move in together) to his gf after 1.5 years of dating each other. He wants his weekdays free apparently... I would "pester" him, too. Well, he can't have it all now can he? He sounds like a cake-eater. He obviously wants the perks of a relationship (not talking about marriage here) without actually committing. If I was his gf I'd be fuming. Edited February 22, 2013 by silvermercy
silvermercy Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 And in many cases, how a woman is before and during a marriage is irrelevant once it's over. That "unimportant financial thing" suddenly becomes not so unimportant. It becomes everything. The crux of divorce proceedings and a millstone around his neck forever more. Divorce turns us all into selfish bastards. Yeah, because men never change. LOL Right. 1
Author nestlequik Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Oh I would actually LOVE to hear his concerns so I know where I stand in his priority list. And so as to make a fast and clean break from him. It's better than not knowing. All relationships are risks. They've been like that forever, not just today. Most relationships that exist and existed were based on an initial risk. And they actually committed to each other DESPITE the risk. So why should I accept any less then? Especially after 1.5 years! Notice how the OP mentions she's "dating" his gf for 1.5 years! I'm sorry but that's a very long time in the dating world to be dating someone! Like your own gf for example... Poor woman I can't blame her for wanting a commitment and wanting to know where she stands. 1.5 years... That's not irrational for her or anyone actually! I feel so sorry for her right now... Besides, according to the OP, she's "perfect", right? So what's the problem then? I'll tell ya, the OP is just not that into her and is simply stringing this "perfect" gf along... I mean she WAS perfect, until she pushed him for commitment, that is. Then she stopped being perfect. Obviously a shameless imperfection on her part. How dare she... P.S. As I already mentioned before, I find this talk about being concerned about his kids and being a good father, just a feeble excuse, sorry... It wouldn't work on me. Besides, she has kids, too, no? Unless the OP implies this "perfect" gf is not a good mother due to her desire to commit and move together. In other words, she's not concerned about her kid as much as he is for his own. Which is such a conflicting idea (since he says she's "perfect"). He, on the contrary, is such a good father... Dang, you sound angry She has a son, and he is older and with his father half the time. My daughter is younger and has a lot of anxiety from her mother abandoning her. I think she is a great mother and would love for her to move in and take a bigger role in the lives of our kids. I would love for her to be their mother. But I just want to be careful... is that so wrong?
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