LuckyGuy Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Hi all, My wife of 3 years whom I love very much is having a hard time balancing work and a new addition to the family. We are older parents (41 and 39) and this is our first child, we were blessed to get her through adoption. My wife is a great mother and a great wife. However, I think she is overextending herself as she tries to do everything at once. She works very long hours as a fitness trainer at a local health club. While I work a "normal" 8-5 job, she has a spotty schedule with many gaps. As a result, she tries to work AND take care of our daughter from 7am-2pm every day. It's very hard to do both as anyone with a 4 month old can guess. A caregiver watches our daughter until 4:30 at which time I pick her up. Here is the problem: by the time my wife gets off work at 7, she is absolutely exhausted. She is also very moody, sensitive, and is constantly trying to pick apart things that I say - almost like she is looking for a fight. She never exhibited this behavior before we had our daughter. I now find myself in a mostly sexless marriage but, even worse, in a marriage where my wife just doesn't have any energy left in the tank to be her old self. Our nights are full of arguing. I have shifted to the defensive and cut her a very wide path as I am walking on ice to not set her off. She has picked up on this and this also irritates her. We still love each other and care about each other, and I am sure we can move past this, but I really need help. I have made repeated offers to pay for a caregiver who can watch her for more than 2 hours a day. My wife refuses and says she will feel guilty doing that. I have responded that she should not feel guilty, that she needs to take care of herself if she wants to be a good parent, but it falls on deaf ears. Infants take a lot of time and energy. I am sure things will get better as our daughter gets older. But why do I feel so upset that my wife won't let me try to help her? It's almost like she wants to be miserable, that she wants to bitch constantly. My wife will be the first to admit I do more than my fair share of helping out; I am the one who takes care of our daughter at night and overnight, I pride myself on being a good and attentive father. Being a dad is the best thing to ever happen to me. Should I ask her to go to counseling with me? Should I insist on getting a caregiver to come help out so that my wife doesn't feel like she's drowning? What can I do to help? Just listening to the bitching and not doing anything to solve the problem isn't in my DNA.
2sure Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Pay a caregiver to come when your wife is home, at least for a few hours every or every other day. She can clean, make beds, nanny on and off as needed. Makes a huge difference and this way your wife will be spending time with her baby , not doing chores. 2
sunshinegirl Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Does your wife see the problem? Have you tried asking her how she thinks it could/should be addressed? She may feel more ownership if she's the one coming up with ideas. I feel for her - I have a 10-month old - and it's hard to manage working, parenting, having "me" time, never mind keeping up with friends and family. But I am conscious of not taking my stress and fatigue out on my husband. Good luck!
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