Finally Settled Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 He's telling you goodbye through actions. I'm sorry, but he didn't put you through anything you could have said no to. You keep saying he hurt you, but you hurt yourself above all by involving with him. He told you lies, you believed him and now. You were ok with him cheating on his wife to be with you, but now that its over its all wrong. See, i don't get that. I don't think you understand the concept of NC very well, because thats the point. The fact that you're contacting him or trying to and he's not responding should be telling enough. What he's doing now, is what he's doing now and whether you agree with it or not, saying sorry is breaking that contact and will affect his reconciling or whatever. Having him tell you Im sorry wouldn't change anything, clearly. You asked for your watch back, you got it, and your still unsatisfied. If he says Im sorry or goodbye, you'll still be unsatisfied. Right now he's choosing to do whats more important for himself, and even if you don't like that or think your apology is more important, you need to realize it. I think what you may need to realize is there is a relationship between the participants of an affair and it is often much more intense than a betrayed spouse would care to admit. Any participants of any relationship should be given the courtesy of at least one sentence notifying them that it's over. I do agree with you that whatever we do receive is never enough, but something is more effective than nothing. I would think an other woman who has not been given a goodbye would be more likely to pose problems down the line as nothing has been formally ended. I find that the betrayed spouses that I hold in highest regard have actually wanted their cheating spouses to give this courtesy to the other woman. They are the ones wise enough to see how powerful that last statement of goodbye can be. To the original poster I must say, your married man is indeed speaking with his silence. You do deserve more than that. I only hope you're able to accept that you will probably not receive anything more and find your path through. Summer Breeze spoke of the watch being the part of this you'll take into your future. It's symbolic of what is actually important at this moment in your life. You deserve better, but you won't get it from him. Find better for yourself.
Finally Settled Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 thank you Finally Settled. Not trying to be such a b**ch... just I am sooooooooooooooo very tired of hearing how because a man winds up with his tail between his legs because he gets caught and his balls invert, and he "yes's" his wife to death... that means he is now righteous. Some have written here that because a man is now reconciling, that the other woman meant nothing. Or he will say that to the wife. Or marriage counslor. Or that I have been told by these people that "I" meant nothing, because I was an OW. Or that everything he told me at the time was just to get me into bed. Or that he is trying to be the husband he should have been now and "you need to respect that and move on with your life." Please. I mean.... listen, let me break it down. A cheater is a cheater maybe, but there is a lot to be said for someone who says "I have no plans to leave my spouse". THEN.. if the other person continues and doesn't care, shame on them. 2) I was the OW for a hot minute. I didn't want to be. He would even write me that HE didn't want me to be. I was only involved with him for a few months because he told me he was leaving his wife. If he wasn't, it wouldn't have been. I was in love with him. We've known eachother for 20 years. This was a "everything changes or we end soon" type of thing. And obviously it ended. 3) If a cheater realizes the error of their ways...... that's good. Everyone can have moments where they come out of a fog and say "what am I doing?" BUT............. any scenario that has him, or the spouse sitting around bashing the other person... not reconciliation. That's ridiculous. I have actually seen betrayed wives write things like their husbands were led on. Drawn in. He felt "bad for her"... she tempted him and he was vulnerable. She took advantage of him. She boosted his ego. HE FELL PREY. B**L**T. Stop. And the cheater makes a mess. I have said it before. Unless he was just out with some prostitute or the arrangment was strictly sexual... or he said to the woman from jumpstreet "I will never leave my wife", the cheater still involved himself in the life and emotion of someone else. I may not be owed much of anything knowing he was married and not telling him "I will not see you at all until you are divorced", but I know that .... ... no matter what anyone says on here... I was owed a "goodbye" and I know that I can't help being hurt when the man talked about one day, his baby would be growing inside of me. And sadly, (venting) no matter how many people say then he shows you what kind of person he is.... or "he's forgotten about you. you're not important to him anymore. his wife is." that there is no excuse regardless for leaving someone with one bloody sentance. "I'm sorry. I can't be with you. Please don't contact me. Goodbye." Don't you think that just with the lack there OF, that I have had moments (few and far between) where I contact him just to get something like that. Oh yeah, you get to the point where you don't even care if it's Please dont contact me anymore. Because at least it would be something. I don't anymore. I got the watch back. Yes. But.... right before some of you write how dare I still contact him when he is trying to reconcile with his wife, think about HOW DARE HE TELL ME HIS PASTOR FRIEND WAS GOING TO MARRY US ONE DAY AND THEN HE WANTED HIS BABY GROWING IN SIDE OF ME. how dare "me" nothing. Bitter? You bet your ass I am. Move on? I have good days and bad. I am hurt all the time. I try. I am sorry for my part. I am trying. But if I come here to vent.... that's what I do. That's what people have done for like 4,000 posts. I think I've left less than ten. His concern should be with his family. He just shouldn't have told me right up until leaving that he was leaving there. And even if it's what he truly thought at the time he was going to do, when he realized otherwise..... he should have informed me of that choice. Whether I am the big bad "other woman" or not. Because I was spending no time with him ok with being the OW. I was there on the premise that he was divorcing and we had this future he was talking about. Sucks to be me. I'm grieving this. And that is MY RIGHT. thanks. It is your right and you do need to grieve this. As I've seen on here before, take the posts that help and let the rest go. Many are posting from their pain and hurt just as you are. Take your hurt and experience and use it to guide people coming in here contemplating an affair. Address them the way you would have like to have been addressed. Helping people is amazingly cathartic.
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Ughh. Someone wrote he had his chance to apologize. Exactly. So wtf? This makes me feel blamed. Like he blames me. He cheated, how could blame me?? But it sure feels that way. Furthermore, if this was him sticking to conditions "not to talk to me"... again, he was here, he brought the item in a bag. How hard would it have been to write on the inside of the bag "im sorry". When he knows I have wanted/needed that. I may not be the one he is married to, but he f**** me up too. He entered my life with these words, actions, ideas, plans, dreams.... That his pastor friend would marry us one day. Really. All that and he couldnt muster up "sorry none of that will happen. sorry i said it." Frankly, he can go respect his wife and reconcile and be wonderful to her, as he should. But still in all... I deserved one freakin sentance. One friggin parting statement. You do, but this is how HE has chosen to handle this. Whether or not his wife has anything to do with it or not, yes he could have written sorry and do take care, or something along those lines... He didn't. That says a lot and as much as you hoped and expected him to, fact is, he has shown you now he wants nothing to do with you. Sorry to put it like that but F, you gotta make peace with this and move on. Focusing on why he didn't do 'this or that' will keep you from truly grieving and letting go. Affairs are unkind and cruel at times when they end and really, people get hurt. Fact. He chose to end it this way as it was easier for him so he didn't have to deal with you, answer questions, face you etc.. Is he a sh.it to do that to you? YES. But he isn't obligated to you. He cheated, disrespected his wife, lied and betrayed her. He chose to respect her by closing you out to prove to her and to himself that NC with you is forever. Hope you can work through this somehow and not let it fester and upset you so much. The watch is back but you don't feel any better. Do seek counseling if you can't move past this.
truthbetold Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 You do, but this is how HE has chosen to handle this. Whether or not his wife has anything to do with it or not, yes he could have written sorry and do take care, or something along those lines... He didn't. That says a lot and as much as you hoped and expected him to, fact is, he has shown you now he wants nothing to do with you. Sorry to put it like that but F, you gotta make peace with this and move on. Focusing on why he didn't do 'this or that' will keep you from truly grieving and letting go. Affairs are unkind and cruel at times when they end and really, people get hurt. Fact. He chose to end it this way as it was easier for him so he didn't have to deal with you, answer questions, face you etc.. Is he a sh.it to do that to you? YES. But he isn't obligated to you. He cheated, disrespected his wife, lied and betrayed her. He chose to respect her by closing you out to prove to her and to himself that NC with you is forever. Hope you can work through this somehow and not let it fester and upset you so much. The watch is back but you don't feel any better. Do seek counseling if you can't move past this. Fooled, the above is truly what you need to do. I think you will only harm yourself more mentally if you hold onto thoughts that maybe he did want to see you. That's going to only keep you stuck. Okay, so he wrote on the bag your name. You don't really know though if his wife watched him do that. You don't know if it was she that did drop it off, ready to confront you if you were out. You don't know if he was just too cheap to buy some bubble wrap and put in in the mail. But what you do know is that circling these thoughts will do nothing for you to heal. It is your absolute right to write this all out and try to sort it out. But realize you are in control of your thoughts. Your thoughts are causing the choice to stay stuck in the what ifs. He's obviously a conflict avoider (sorry that so many do seem to fit that, but if they didn't they'd be ending one thing before starting another) Him saying sorry isn't going to fix this and he knows that. He had no business promising you those things when he wasn't divorced, he's a toad for doing that. It was fantasy talk and he could be embarrassed that he realizes he such a jerk for doing that to you. Whatever it is, he's is speaking loud and clear with the silence. In a perfect world people are always kind to one another, but if he was "so kind" he wouldn't have done what he did at all. So to expect someone to just have a flash of conscience and be kind when they were displaying not so kind behaviors to others, just doesn't make a whole lot of logic. You did say you would be happy to just have the heirloom back. Is that entirely honest? It seems you are saying you "just" want an apology. Is that the truth? What would the apology truly do for you? Don't you think it's possible it would start another train of thoughts that he must be miserable at home if he apologized, and then you'd think he's just stuck? Wouldn't you want more from the apology and then want the "why's" answered of why he did it at all? Honestly I think what you want most of all is for him to come running to you to say it was all a mistake (him going home) and he wants to be with you. Anything short of that seems that it won't be what you really want. If it's true that you've accepted it's over then the why's just don't matter. Unfortunately some people can treat others really crappy with no apologies and no excuses. They just do. But if you stay stuck in the why's you are only hurting yourself. It seems he only knows crap behavior, first aimed at his wife, now aimed at you. Should you be angry? Sure you can, but should you really be surprised? No, not really when you think about it. He showed you what he was capable of, you just didn't want to believe it could be turned around on you too. I really hope you can let go and move on and find peace in your healing.
sweet_pea Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 You are not helping, you are a BS with only two posts (previously whom??) who cares nothing for her pain!! Can I just say that if he did not want to see you, he would not have risked dropping off the watch in person. It is likely that he was hoping to catch you and did not have a note for that reason. If he did not want to risk seeing you, he would definitely not have done that. He would have mailed it. I could be wrong of course but after d day, I had the same thing happen to me with some property I asked to be returned. He came when I wasn't in but I later found out he did not know I would not be there. so he may have come without a notepaper or pen thinking he would see you briefly maybe???? I would not take it as being hurtful at all, just a man being a jerk. I'm on my phone, but I just wanted to let you know that I was an unknowing OW not too long ago and have been lurking for a while, sorry I don't fit your narrative though. I'll touch back a little later.
spice4life Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 thank you Finally Settled. Not trying to be such a b**ch... just I am sooooooooooooooo very tired of hearing how because a man winds up with his tail between his legs because he gets caught and his balls invert, and he "yes's" his wife to death... that means he is now righteous. Some have written here that because a man is now reconciling, that the other woman meant nothing. Or he will say that to the wife. Or marriage counslor. Or that I have been told by these people that "I" meant nothing, because I was an OW. Or that everything he told me at the time was just to get me into bed. Or that he is trying to be the husband he should have been now and "you need to respect that and move on with your life." Please. I mean.... listen, let me break it down. A cheater is a cheater maybe, but there is a lot to be said for someone who says "I have no plans to leave my spouse". THEN.. if the other person continues and doesn't care, shame on them. 2) I was the OW for a hot minute. I didn't want to be. He would even write me that HE didn't want me to be. I was only involved with him for a few months because he told me he was leaving his wife. If he wasn't, it wouldn't have been. I was in love with him. We've known eachother for 20 years. This was a "everything changes or we end soon" type of thing. And obviously it ended. 3) If a cheater realizes the error of their ways...... that's good. Everyone can have moments where they come out of a fog and say "what am I doing?" BUT............. any scenario that has him, or the spouse sitting around bashing the other person... not reconciliation. That's ridiculous. I have actually seen betrayed wives write things like their husbands were led on. Drawn in. He felt "bad for her"... she tempted him and he was vulnerable. She took advantage of him. She boosted his ego. HE FELL PREY. B**L**T. Stop. And the cheater makes a mess. I have said it before. Unless he was just out with some prostitute or the arrangment was strictly sexual... or he said to the woman from jumpstreet "I will never leave my wife", the cheater still involved himself in the life and emotion of someone else. I may not be owed much of anything knowing he was married and not telling him "I will not see you at all until you are divorced", but I know that .... ... no matter what anyone says on here... I was owed a "goodbye" and I know that I can't help being hurt when the man talked about one day, his baby would be growing inside of me. And sadly, (venting) no matter how many people say then he shows you what kind of person he is.... or "he's forgotten about you. you're not important to him anymore. his wife is." that there is no excuse regardless for leaving someone with one bloody sentance. "I'm sorry. I can't be with you. Please don't contact me. Goodbye." Don't you think that just with the lack there OF, that I have had moments (few and far between) where I contact him just to get something like that. Oh yeah, you get to the point where you don't even care if it's Please dont contact me anymore. Because at least it would be something. I don't anymore. I got the watch back. Yes. But.... right before some of you write how dare I still contact him when he is trying to reconcile with his wife, think about HOW DARE HE TELL ME HIS PASTOR FRIEND WAS GOING TO MARRY US ONE DAY AND THEN HE WANTED HIS BABY GROWING IN SIDE OF ME. how dare "me" nothing. Bitter? You bet your ass I am. Move on? I have good days and bad. I am hurt all the time. I try. I am sorry for my part. I am trying. But if I come here to vent.... that's what I do. That's what people have done for like 4,000 posts. I think I've left less than ten. His concern should be with his family. He just shouldn't have told me right up until leaving that he was leaving there. And even if it's what he truly thought at the time he was going to do, when he realized otherwise..... he should have informed me of that choice. Whether I am the big bad "other woman" or not. Because I was spending no time with him ok with being the OW. I was there on the premise that he was divorcing and we had this future he was talking about. Sucks to be me. I'm grieving this. And that is MY RIGHT. thanks. Yes, that's your right. I too believe he should have sent a short note to tell you that he is staying with his wife and going NC. I think it is very wise for a BS to request that from their WS. It shuts the door and doesn't leave anything up for question and it also let's the xOW let go and heal. However, he didn't. So what's next? What will make you feel better in light of this situation? Are you 100% certain that getting those two lines from him will help you move on and start healing for real instead of remaining stuck where you are at the moment? There is no garauntee it wil make you feel better, but if you think it will then go get it, so you can move on. I don't think that is the best thing to do, but I'm not in your shoes so who am I to say. He and his wife made a mistake not sending that note and you coming to get it is a risk they are taking with the choice they made. Again, I'm not advocating this at all and think seeing a therapist and venting your frustration is the best way to go. Do what you feel you must do, but just be aware that it may not give you the relief you are seeking. It may in fact make the wound deeper, but then again maybe not. I'm not you so I can't really say. 1
sweet_pea Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Also, fooled I am sorry if I sound harsh, I am also sorry you are in pain, I'm just more in the tough love camp...
sweet_pea Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 (edited) Why aren't any of my posts coming through? I just wrote like a novel in response to jadore, nikkinik and fooled and it doesn't show up, only a snippet :/ ugh Edited February 24, 2013 by sweet_pea
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I have no idea how long it'll take for you to work through this and heal, feel some peace... So, here's a suggestion. Each day, maybe twice a day? Give yourself 15 minutes to think about this. Cry, scream, wonder the why's and how's.. Then put it out of your head and get busy, live your life. I just suggest this because I don't know if all this is constantly on your mind, driving you nuts. Like anything else in life that is bad and affects one, you need to pick yourself up and get busy, have distractions so your heart, your mind too, can have a break and heal. Hope this helps. 1
stillafool Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Fooled, I think this is how some people handle breakups. It doesn't matter if they are married or single they just like to avoid confrontation. Look around at how many people have just vanished from a lover's life with no real explanation. They cannot give you closure anyway you have to find your own closure. 1
Author fooled2manyX Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 I thank many of you for your words. I feel a little bit better today. I called a therapy facility and I am waiting to hear back. I think going to talk to someone is a step. Someone asked above if I have considered apologizing to his wife. Um... let me explain. First off, I have said it before and I will again. I "am" truly sorry for what this woman had endured. She did not ask to be cheated on. She was the victim in all of this. I am sorry. I do feel bad. However, all of my posts have been about how he promised me the moon and that he was going to be divorcing. I have not heard a word from him since they had d-day. No one ever sent a NC note of any kind. I was just ignored. Ok, now some have felt I deserve nothing more. Laying more blame it seems, with me, than with him and he is the one married. Not I. But, I have posted about being in agony, because never did I see myself as the "mistress", but yet the woman he said he really wanted to be married to. Wrong though it may have been... I had loved him for 20 years. I never doubted his words to me. I have been in agony for months due to this. So, in short... while I am sorry for his wife's pain...... "HE" is the one who is married to her. He didn't even tell me he wasn't coming back. He apparently lied to me, and even if he didn't know he was using me at the time, I am still a person in this who was hurt. Even if some don't feel I should be validated. Let him apologize to his wife, as he has I'm sure. I don't have to approach her, when he hasn't even approached me to tell me he is sorry for f**king with my life too. Which.... he did. "HE" is married to her and betrayed her. He is responsible and while I am sorry and do feel bad for pain I contributed to.... I don't feel I am going to, at this point, reach out. I don't think the concept of offering that to her, when I have been in agony here from him not even offering me an "i'm sorry" makes sense. I just don't. Let the big husband be sorry. I know some of you want to completely blame the OP and not even the cheater. I've seen it here. I've read it. Not saying many of you, but there were those who write as though: ... the OW/OM doesn't have a conscience to stoop so long and yet the wayward is trying to reconcile and do right by the spouse and so sorry and because NC is instilled they are doing everything right. ...Um, I don't buy it. I don't see how a person in October is saying they are in love with another and want to marry them and spend their life with them and yet.... ...in November they are saying to their spouse "she never meant anything to me. I love you. I never loved her. It was the worst mistake of my life." That problem lies with the wayward cheater and they are the only one who needs to apologize to the spouse for being a con job liar. Me? I'm just trying to heal on my end. You may not all agree. Frankly, one day I may be there. But, if he chose to forget I exist, best I forget they do. 1
Author fooled2manyX Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 i meant, i "didn't" see myself as the mistress.
stillafool Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I didn't read your story but did you know he was a married man when you got involved with him?
Decorative Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 i meant, i "didn't" see myself as the mistress. Gently, that doesn't matter. You were. And I know the brain does powerful things to protect us from painful truths, but you were the mistress, no matter how else you framed it. So maybe it will help to really sit with that. 1
spice4life Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) Fooled2manyxs, I think that it's great that you're starting to feel better and hope that you continue moving forward in healing. What some of the BS's here are trying to say is that feeling remorse for helping him betray his wife is a very important part of the healing process. You're not there yet, but you will be one day. Then you will understand why it's so important to "see" how you played an equal part in all of this. It is then and only then that will finally accept full responsibility for your part. I know I know, you say you do feel bad, but right now you really don't. You're saying the words, but the true remorse isn't in them yet. They are just words at the moment. I'm not saying this to upset you so don't get defensive. When you are finally at true remorse YOU WILL FEEL IT. Right now you are still immersed in denial and rationalization. It doesn't matter what HE told you, HE is married and you chose to be involved. You ARE equally responsible, you just don't see it yet. You will though...one day. Again, it's an important part of the healing process. If you don't end up feeling true remorse then you will be vulnerable to getting involved with another guy like him in the future. So don't discount what the kind BS's here are telling you. They have good intentions because they know how important it is to feel true remorse and accept responsibility for your part in this. Edited February 26, 2013 by spice4life 1
sweet_pea Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (I haven't read any posts on here since my last mess of posts, so if I said something already, by bad...) I literally wrote this long response to a few posters and when I clicked publish, most of it was gone! Really annoying, and my posts probably look weird, but I'll try and give a quick run down of what I wanted to say. When I graduated college, I met this guy at a football game. We hit it off, blah blah and started dating. He told me he was single and had been for many years. Maybe I was naive due to my age or just because I didn't think men lied about being married (he didn't wear a ring and lived out of town most of the year for his job) and believed him. Well, a year or so later after me obviously falling for the guy, I find out he's married. Talk about a slap in my face. Long story short, I cut it off right then and there and contacted his (ex)wife and told her what happened. She was gracious and understanding of what happened. The only good thing to come out of that ordeal is that she and I are actually friends now... she actually gave me a lot of good advice when my own DDay happened and I became a BS. Anyways, the point of sharing that was to say that I actually understand you, Fooled, at being pissed off at the lies and false promises. I was too. Matter of fact, most BS' are pissed off at the WS for the lies told to them and the OW. I wasted a year with a guy and gave my heart to him and he fed me complete crap. *It hurts a lot, and at one point I wanted an apology. But I realized that him saying sorry was not going to change the outcome of the hurt he caused his wife and me.* Fooled, the only person that can give you closure is yourself. No matter how many times he will apologize, that can't change his lies or the time wasted. The sooner you realize this, the better. Yes, it was wrong of him and in a perfect world, he would tell you how sorry he was (or at least I hope he is), but that may never happen. Just because someone is a BS does not negate the fact that they can post here to help someone who has been hurt. Believe it or not, BS' may understand exactly how she feels (I do, at least) and I don't think nikkinik is trying to be mean on purpose but idk (that is for J'adore... lol) I don't even know if my experience helps, but I just wanted to share to say that even though I am a BS, I do understand your anger at the MM. I hope you do feel better! When you actually go NC, the pain will ease in time. The longer you dwell as hard as it is, the longer you try contact, the longer you torture yourself with the what ifs, the longer you will be sad. I'm sorry if I came off a little harsh in the above post, but it's really coming from a place of saying that I care and hope you feel better.
Author fooled2manyX Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 Please, I hope no one misunderstands. Had she (his wife) contacted me after d-day and asked questions, or called merely to rip me a new one, I would have apologized to her. No question. As I said, I am very sorry. But, at this stage, she didn't. Nothing from her or him. So, I would think now, that to contact her and say things... I mean, I could see her saying to family/friends "Do you believe this b****, she now wants to say she's sorry?" And I will be honest in saying, that because he didn't even contact me to inform me that all he promised would not be and let me know... that I am not there yet. I see responsibility beginning and ending with him. Whether he told her everything or not, she is probably fine with his version and they are moving on with things. Whether you guys feel "my" healing is important or not.... if I were to reach out to her and she were to respond to me, that would set me back in healing. It was make things worse for me. And right now, because he didn't care, I am the only one who does about my own sanity and well being after his lofty promises were smashed. So, it's not that I don't care about the pain I caused her. It's not that I think I was damaged more than she was. I wasn't. She is his wife and I wasn't. I know. It's because I have to live in my body and mind and not hers. So, if I have to chose between who is more deserving of healing.... even if she deserves it more, I have to chose me.
LFH Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Please, I hope no one misunderstands. Had she (his wife) contacted me after d-day and asked questions, or called merely to rip me a new one, I would have apologized to her. No question. As I said, I am very sorry. But, at this stage, she didn't. Nothing from her or him. So, I would think now, that to contact her and say things... I mean, I could see her saying to family/friends "Do you believe this b****, she now wants to say she's sorry?" And I will be honest in saying, that because he didn't even contact me to inform me that all he promised would not be and let me know... that I am not there yet. I see responsibility beginning and ending with him. Whether he told her everything or not, she is probably fine with his version and they are moving on with things. Whether you guys feel "my" healing is important or not.... if I were to reach out to her and she were to respond to me, that would set me back in healing. It was make things worse for me. And right now, because he didn't care, I am the only one who does about my own sanity and well being after his lofty promises were smashed. So, it's not that I don't care about the pain I caused her. It's not that I think I was damaged more than she was. I wasn't. She is his wife and I wasn't. I know. It's because I have to live in my body and mind and not hers. So, if I have to chose between who is more deserving of healing.... even if she deserves it more, I have to chose me. This is it exactly. I've never been able to express it properly. *hugs* I'm sorry you're hurting. I am glad you got your dad's watch back. I'm sorry that he let you down again. You'll be ok. *hugs*
stillafool Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Please, Whether you guys feel "my" healing is important or not.... if I were to reach out to her and she were to respond to me, that would set me back in healing. It was make things worse for me. Why do you think talking to her would set you back in your healing but receiving a note or contact from him would help you with your healing? I'm still curious, did you know he was married when you got involved with him?
spice4life Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) Please, I hope no one misunderstands. Had she (his wife) contacted me after d-day and asked questions, or called merely to rip me a new one, I would have apologized to her. No question. As I said, I am very sorry. But, at this stage, she didn't. Nothing from her or him. So, I would think now, that to contact her and say things... I mean, I could see her saying to family/friends "Do you believe this b****, she now wants to say she's sorry?" And I will be honest in saying, that because he didn't even contact me to inform me that all he promised would not be and let me know... that I am not there yet. I see responsibility beginning and ending with him. Whether he told her everything or not, she is probably fine with his version and they are moving on with things. Whether you guys feel "my" healing is important or not.... if I were to reach out to her and she were to respond to me, that would set me back in healing. It was make things worse for me. And right now, because he didn't care, I am the only one who does about my own sanity and well being after his lofty promises were smashed. So, it's not that I don't care about the pain I caused her. It's not that I think I was damaged more than she was. I wasn't. She is his wife and I wasn't. I know. It's because I have to live in my body and mind and not hers. So, if I have to chose between who is more deserving of healing.... even if she deserves it more, I have to chose me. I completely understand that. I should have phrased it better. What I meant was that you will see what others are saying about true remorse down the road. You aren't there yet and that is completely normal so no need to keep defending how you feel. Definitely focus on your own healing and you will be fine. Believe me, you will know it when it hits you. There will be no denying it. And it will actually be a good thing. You're doing great, I'm just trying to fill you in on what's down the road so you don't have to feel the need to defend how you're feeling now. Edited February 26, 2013 by spice4life
waterwoman Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I totally understand your last post. It's self-preservation and its essential. I am sure H's OW was upset after d-day but I had no sympathy to spare for her at the time. Later maybe. Do what you have to do to heal but don't expect MM to help you - he clearly can't or won't.
Author fooled2manyX Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 Stillafool, say I open that can of worms up... and she chooses to respond to it. Say she tells me that his words to her about me were hurtful. That to save his a** with her, he said I meant nothing to him. That I was a mistake, etc. It will be 100 steps back for me. I just began therapy yesterday. As Waterwoman and others shared, they understand that my self preservation has to come first. I'm struggling terribly and I have been in such a state of depression from this, that I haven't had a desire to live. I am very sorry that his wife is hurt & I played a part in it. But, he is her husband and he did this to her. Let me continue what he is doing. You asked why I couldnt heal if I contacted her, but that I could heal better if I got an apology from him....... Well....... I was involved with him. Not her. I would not have involved myself had he not told me he was going to divorce and marry me one day. I jumped the gun, yes. I should have told him not to come see me until he was out of the marital home. But, I am not making apologizing to her a priority, when he is the one who cheated on her and I have been in the darkest place of my life.
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