IAmRobot Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Hey there, first time poster. So I've been sleeping with this girl for a while now and things have seemed to progress slowly but steadily. When we first met, I told her I wasn't looking for anything serious. However now as we're seeing each other more often I changed my mind. Lately I asked her where this was going (mistake, but w.e.). She seemed very happy with the convo. I told her I am 100% sure she's what I want. She said she likes this a lot, but she needs more time, since her last ex cheated on her and she doesnt want to fall for someone too quickly and get hurt again. On top of that it seems like she is questioning how I got so from "let's keep it casual" to "let's get serious". She seems very happy around me, but does not initiate too much contact. (i.e does not chase me too much). We meet 2-3 x / week. I on the other hand am really afraid that since now "she has me" she will lose interest. We are not seeing other people.... CONFUSED...
Author IAmRobot Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Well I'm not a 'bro' but it's pretty obvious that YOU changed the rules midway through the game. Just because you chose to change the rules doesn't mean that she's really 100% onboard with it. For her own reasons, she was happy having a physical relationship without all the rest of the expectations that come with regular relationships. It's natural that she'd want to know why you chose to go from casual to serious - you're changing the gameplan on her and that means she's going to have to meet your expectations for a 'serious' relationship, now. This is going to require more effort and more dedication on her part and it's quite clear she's flattered - but very hesitant to jump back into the pool. Right now, she feels like she has CONTROL. And that's important to her. It's a comfortable place to be. You're asking her to give that up and throw the dice again which means she puts herself into a vulnerable position to be hurt again. I don't think your problem is that she'll 'lose interest.' She's still trying to keep you at arm's length because it helps her control her emotions better. THIS IS SOOOO SPOT ON. When you say control, you mean over her feelings / what we are. Because that is exactly how I was feeling and why I didn't wanna move forward too much too soon. But I let it all go and I just wanna be with her right now, very genuinely. Haven't ever felt like this. What are "the rest" of the expectations that come with a relationship? I just want us 2 to be together and that's what matters to me. (I know sounds cheesy) I don't care if she calls me her bf, her friend, her whatever... I know I ll never hurt her and I know she trusts me... Since you understand the situation so well. Do you think there is anything I can do? Or should I just let time go by and see how it goes? Do you think more/less contact will be better? I am trying to not be too "boyfriendish" as I feel like she needs to earn that and not take that for granted. But on the other hand if I get a bit distant I fear that things will go back to where they were. CONFUSED...
spiderowl Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Sometimes feelings need to catch up. I am not the kind of person who gets easily attached and can keep things casual for a while. Even if the guy says he wants more, I wouldn't trust it. I've been with guys who've become very attached, declared love, and so on, and who have then apparently changed their minds shortly afterwards. Whether they did so because they weren't getting an equivalent response back or not, I don't know, but from my point of view, they can't have been serious in the first place or they would have stuck around. I've also had guys who have wanted to be part of my life, join in with my friends, go to places I used to go alone to before I met them. They want this only a short while after we've met. I've been alone for a while and they just don't get that I'm not going to let them invade my social circle that quickly. Yes, the guy is on trial. If he loves me and sticks around, then at some point I will feel it's time for him to be part of that central core of my life, but while I'm still unsure about his motives, I will keep him at a distance in that respect. If he disappears, I want a life to go to that doesn't remind me of him all the time. Now when a guy seems keen, I usually go through a long stage of not being sure what he really wants, whether he really means it or not, and whether I feel the same. If I didn't like him, I would have dropped him. I'm just in a state of uncertainty, not sure I can trust him. Then feelings can catch up and I can start to feel the same sort of attachment. Until the trust is there and that 'bonding' process happens, I feel a bit distant from him but I can still like him and enjoy his company. Maybe it just hasn't happened for her yet or she's had a bad experience when it did. You have put yourself out there and that must feel uncomfortable. Give her time. Let her know you like her very much and will wait for her to feel as comfortable with you. See what happens. 1
Author IAmRobot Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Sometimes feelings need to catch up. I am not the kind of person who gets easily attached and can keep things casual for a while. Even if the guy says he wants more, I wouldn't trust it. I've been with guys who've become very attached, declared love, and so on, and who have then apparently changed their minds shortly afterwards. Whether they did so because they weren't getting an equivalent response back or not, I don't know, but from my point of view, they can't have been serious in the first place or they would have stuck around. I've also had guys who have wanted to be part of my life, join in with my friends, go to places I used to go alone to before I met them. They want this only a short while after we've met. I've been alone for a while and they just don't get that I'm not going to let them invade my social circle that quickly. Yes, the guy is on trial. If he loves me and sticks around, then at some point I will feel it's time for him to be part of that central core of my life, but while I'm still unsure about his motives, I will keep him at a distance in that respect. If he disappears, I want a life to go to that doesn't remind me of him all the time. Now when a guy seems keen, I usually go through a long stage of not being sure what he really wants, whether he really means it or not, and whether I feel the same. If I didn't like him, I would have dropped him. I'm just in a state of uncertainty, not sure I can trust him. Then feelings can catch up and I can start to feel the same sort of attachment. Until the trust is there and that 'bonding' process happens, I feel a bit distant from him but I can still like him and enjoy his company. Maybe it just hasn't happened for her yet or she's had a bad experience when it did. You have put yourself out there and that must feel uncomfortable. Give her time. Let her know you like her very much and will wait for her to feel as comfortable with you. See what happens. I like a lot both of your guys analysis. Seems like I landed between experts . My problem is that I am used to girls chasing me and wanting a relationship with me after I sleep with them. (Hence why with this girl I was very cut clear from the beginning). Lastly, I really wanna drop the "serious" convos, but can't she see how hard it is for me. I mean I put myself out there and theres a good chance that I might get hurt, yet she can't... I just feel like I'm giving a lot more than getting and she's not pushing too much for this to happen... And lastly... if she doesn't push so much, then she must not want me that badly... right? I don't wanna be anyone's "backup" plan. And again... what's the route to take. More contact or less?
spiderowl Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 From my own experience, if a guy sleeps with you he usually tries to get some sort of commitment - not because he cares for you but because he doesn't want to think you are sleeping with anyone else at the same time. This is why I wouldn't trust a guy who started to talk serious. He wants to control my body but that doesn't mean he cares for me as a person. I know it's a bit of a catch-22 situation because if he really was serious, I wouldn't trust that he meant it. She may just think you are trying to stake your sexual territory rather than falling for her. Firstly, be honest with yourself about whether this is the case or not, because it damn well hurts to have a guy leave to chase another girl two weeks after he has declared that he sees you as his girlfriend and wants to know you are both committed to each other. If she's had a similar experience, I can understand her being wary. However, there is always the possibility she isn't as attached as you and will never be. Bonding doesn't always happen to both at the same time, so all you can do is to give it a bit more time and see what happens. If after 6 months so or, she doesn't want to at least see herself as your exclusive girlfriend, maybe you should think about what you can and can't cope with and extract yourself if the situation's too painful. Best of luck!
Author IAmRobot Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 From my own experience, if a guy sleeps with you he usually tries to get some sort of commitment - not because he cares for you but because he doesn't want to think you are sleeping with anyone else at the same time. This is why I wouldn't trust a guy who started to talk serious. He wants to control my body but that doesn't mean he cares for me as a person. I know it's a bit of a catch-22 situation because if he really was serious, I wouldn't trust that he meant it. She may just think you are trying to stake your sexual territory rather than falling for her. Firstly, be honest with yourself about whether this is the case or not, because it damn well hurts to have a guy leave to chase another girl two weeks after he has declared that he sees you as his girlfriend and wants to know you are both committed to each other. If she's had a similar experience, I can understand her being wary. However, there is always the possibility she isn't as attached as you and will never be. Bonding doesn't always happen to both at the same time, so all you can do is to give it a bit more time and see what happens. If after 6 months so or, she doesn't want to at least see herself as your exclusive girlfriend, maybe you should think about what you can and can't cope with and extract yourself if the situation's too painful. Best of luck! Thanks! Although this actually made me more confused than before. Her stance right now is that she's feeling great things for me, but she is not ready YET, but she will be bit by bit. I feel like she's mostly just testing me to see if I really mean it (as you say), since I was so cut clear on being casual with everyone. I really think things will work out... I just wish she could open up a bit more...
pbjbear Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I like a lot both of your guys analysis. Seems like I landed between experts . My problem is that I am used to girls chasing me and wanting a relationship with me after I sleep with them. (Hence why with this girl I was very cut clear from the beginning). Lastly, I really wanna drop the "serious" convos, but can't she see how hard it is for me. I mean I put myself out there and theres a good chance that I might get hurt, yet she can't... I just feel like I'm giving a lot more than getting and she's not pushing too much for this to happen... And lastly... if she doesn't push so much, then she must not want me that badly... right? I don't wanna be anyone's "backup" plan. And again... what's the route to take. More contact or less? Your ego is prob big due to girls chasing you but if you want this one youll have to wait her out. I would be cautious of a guy declaring he wants a serious relationship when it started out purely as a physical relationship too. If her ex did cheat on her shes probably cautious with guys in general. Like the other woman that replied, I am cautious (or have been the last 2 years) with guys I date due to bad experiences. I find its not a good idea to throw yourself into a relationship or rush dating in general...seeing each other 2-3 times a week is plenty. Thats how often people in relationships see each other 1
Author IAmRobot Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Your ego is prob big due to girls chasing you but if you want this one youll have to wait her out. I would be cautious of a guy declaring he wants a serious relationship when it started out purely as a physical relationship too. If her ex did cheat on her shes probably cautious with guys in general. Like the other woman that replied, I am cautious (or have been the last 2 years) with guys I date due to bad experiences. I find its not a good idea to throw yourself into a relationship or rush dating in general...seeing each other 2-3 times a week is plenty. Thats how often people in relationships see each other what does "a relationship" mean... I am pretty inexperienced. What I really want is for her to want me and to show it and to fall for me as hard as I've fallen for her, but she wants to be so composed and in control My problem is that this way, I will never understand if she will fall for me and really wants me, or she will just settle with me... I've seen girls fall for me and it's different. They don't rationalize... She seems to want to rationalize all the time. Do you get the picture? My other problem is that I am starting to be expressive. I have told her I care a lot about her. I told her I thought about her at some random party... but she doesnt. She's still in her shell. Her "actions" are very affectionate sometimes, she has stopped hanging out with other guys (as have I) but her expressions just aren't... And sometimes I just get scared that she's just using me for short term value, pleasure and happiness, which I can provide :/ :/ Lastly, lastly... Idk if I should try to be more distant and keep seeing other girls (as after all we're not serious.. yet) or if should I do bf stuff (like contacting her everyday or almost)... I am quite confused and she doesn't seem to want to initiate, because she says she's always pushed the interaction with her past bfs and it turned out bad.
Author IAmRobot Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 I think if she needs time then you should wait but at the same time don’t leave her …don't make her to forget you. What ever is going on right now just carry on. If she has said that she likes you then You keep telling her how you feel about her and what you want from your relation.. I think she will agree with your feelings. I guess so
pbjbear Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 what does "a relationship" mean... I am pretty inexperienced. What I really want is for her to want me and to show it and to fall for me as hard as I've fallen for her, but she wants to be so composed and in control My problem is that this way, I will never understand if she will fall for me and really wants me, or she will just settle with me... I've seen girls fall for me and it's different. They don't rationalize... She seems to want to rationalize all the time. Do you get the picture? My other problem is that I am starting to be expressive. I have told her I care a lot about her. I told her I thought about her at some random party... but she doesnt. She's still in her shell. Her "actions" are very affectionate sometimes, she has stopped hanging out with other guys (as have I) but her expressions just aren't... And sometimes I just get scared that she's just using me for short term value, pleasure and happiness, which I can provide :/ :/ Lastly, lastly... Idk if I should try to be more distant and keep seeing other girls (as after all we're not serious.. yet) or if should I do bf stuff (like contacting her everyday or almost)... I am quite confused and she doesn't seem to want to initiate, because she says she's always pushed the interaction with her past bfs and it turned out bad. Of course you want someone to fall for you when you fall for them. If she has said intiating in the past led to bad experiences that is probably why she isnt...there are more cautious girls out there than you think due to the amount of jerks that exist today. I wouldnt start seeing other girls, that will reinforce she cant trust you. I would start acting more like a boyfriend for a bit, give it some time and if shes doesnt reciprocate say you want something more than her and move on.
Author IAmRobot Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 Of course you want someone to fall for you when you fall for them. If she has said intiating in the past led to bad experiences that is probably why she isnt...there are more cautious girls out there than you think due to the amount of jerks that exist today. I wouldnt start seeing other girls, that will reinforce she cant trust you. I would start acting more like a boyfriend for a bit, give it some time and if shes doesnt reciprocate say you want something more than her and move on. I agree with this a lot. And ye my gameplan is usually to "show people that I care", because I know everyone at the end of the day (especially attractive girls), have been hurt emotionally before and need a strong powerful attractive guy that CARES about them and that they can go and seek happiness and peace with. However it's really hard when my feelings are at stake and when she's afraid to come out of her shell...
pbjbear Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I agree with this a lot. And ye my gameplan is usually to "show people that I care", because I know everyone at the end of the day (especially attractive girls), have been hurt emotionally before and need a strong powerful attractive guy that CARES about them and that they can go and seek happiness and peace with. However it's really hard when my feelings are at stake and when she's afraid to come out of her shell...[/QUOTE] Well since you said most girls came onto you with the relationship talk this is probably how they felt about you
Recommended Posts