HopelesslyStuck Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Hello everyone. I've been struggling with this breakup & I really need some good advice. My ex boyfriend, and I dated for about two years. Just one and a half months away from it. We were each others first loves. We met unexpectedly, and we immediately fell for each other. Over that time period we grew so close. He was my best friend and I was his. We spent so much time together, told each other everything and it was the best thing I have ever had. Things eventually started getting rocky. He kissed other girls, four of them that I'm aware of. We started fighting. All the time. We broke up and got back together so many times. This time is different. Before this time, the longest we went without talking was one week. & The longest we stayed apart was two weeks. We broke up because we were fighting constantly, over every little thing. I have bad trust issues with him, so that caused a lot of bad to happen as well. We broke up January 15 when he told me he just wanted a break. The next week after we broke up, there was no communication. And he texted me telling me he wanted me back and that I was what he wanted. I called him and we talked. Then he said we should still take a break to fix the bad stuff. He said a month after our break up date should be goo. Well, after he texted me that stuff, I just couldn't stay away. I wanted to talk to him all the time, call him, be with him. The whole week I contacted him telling him I wanted him and he kept telling me no. That was my mistake. On Jan 31st, we both agreed that the next to weeks we have no communication at all, and he'd tell me at the end if he wanted to be with me or not. We didn't talk at all until Feb 11, when he texted me saying "Im so sorry that I made you wait as long as I did. And I'm sorry that what I'm saying is going to **** you over. But I like being by myself. I don't think I want to get back together at all. That doesn't mean I don't love you, or that I don't care about andcherish everything we did together. Because I do, I really do. But I think this is what is best. I need to be alone. Its the only way I really will grow as a person. There is no body else and I don't hate you, I just think this is best." To kind of flip the table and act like it didn't bother me I responded with "I was going to tell you the same. Breaking up is a good idea. It hasn't been working out between us and we should go our separate ways before it gets worse." I only said it like that to flip things and making it seem like I was breaking up with him, like I was rejecting him so he would be like "woah." and want me. We haven't talked since that day, which was only 10 days ago. But we've been broken up for about a month and a week. I've been really working on myself, meeting new people, working out, trying to become a more positive person, hanging out with friends, doing things I enjoy, etc. However, he's still in the back of my mind. Even after all the things we've been through, I still want to try to make things work, but I'm really confused on what to do. I want him back, but I don't know how to get him back. It's discouraging me, making it seem as if we're never going to be together again. & I don't want that. He seems fine without me, and I've been trying to make it seem like I'm fine without him, but I feel empty. I need advice.
StraylightRun24 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Obviously you are hurting, but the way I see it he is sort of a coward. You don't date someone for the amount of time you two did and sting the other person along with the false hope of getting back together and then end it via text message. He should have at least had the courage to do it face to face or at least over the phone. Keep your head up. I'm not going to lie you are in for some difficult times ahead but I really think you are going to be better off without this guy in you life. Two whole years and ending it with a text....what is our world coming to?!
Author HopelesslyStuck Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 We've been on and off for so long, and that's the only way hes broken up with me, text messages or the internet. I feel like I'm better off with him some days, but other days he's all I want. I want him to see how happy I am without him, whenever I get to that point, and come back to me. But I guess I'm just dreaming. I've lost my best friend, and it's like it's nothing to him. I don't know what to do.
Treasa Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Interestingly enough, the action you took was perfect. Now keep faking it until you make it. You were actually right in what you told him, even though that wasn't what you were feeling. It wasn't working out. And do you really want to be with a guy who keeps you waiting and then will tell you if you're good enough for him or not? F that. He's cheated on you, and you two have broken up several times. You are well rid of him.
Author HopelesslyStuck Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 I know. I've been pretty much faking everything, and it has made things better. Like I said though, it still doesn't feel right. I still have him in the back of my mind constantly. I have so many feelings towards this whole thing. I feel like were never going to get back together, but I want to. I feel like he'll come back when I'm finally happy without him. I know this is probably the best thing to do, walk away and not talk to him. I just wanted it so bad. We've been broken up a month and a week. We haven't talked in 10 days, which was when he said he didn't "think" he wanted to ever get back together. What do you think will happen? Cause I'm lost.
KatZee Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 This was an extremely unhealthy relationship to begin with. You may miss him and want him back now, but give it time. Eventually the rose glasses are going to start coming off. He cheated on you FOUR TIMES. If there is no trust, there is NO RELATIONSHIP. Period. Also, on/off relationships do.not.work. It shows there is something fundamentally wrong with it, and instead of being mature and working through problems, you or he decides to end it, and come back a week or two weeks later as if things could just pick up where they left off. That doesn't work. Problems don't just vanish. You need to just keep doing what you're doing. NC and work on yourself. It's going to be hard and you're going to have good days and bad days but soon you'll wake up and be OK, and then you'll be happy again. I'm 10 months post break up and I honestly have no clue where the time went. It feels like we just broke up yesterday, but at the same time I've grown so much, have done so much and have I'm happy again.
Kengne Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 He may love you, care about you deeply but he doesn't CHERISH you the way a committed, faithful s.o. is supposed to. If he did, he would not have cheated 4x - and then need a break to figure out if HE wants to be with YOU. ultimately to decide he's better off alone. The best thing you can do at this point - is to do absolutely nothing. Continue with NC. When your heart stops hurting... and your head clears... and the rose tinted glasses come off you will realize you really are better off without him in your life at this point, and that you deserve a man (not a boy) who will fight tooth & nail to keep you vs putting you out on the side like yesterday's newspapers. YOU ARE THE PRIZE. Never lose sight of that. Don't let these dudes fool you into believing otherwise. By the time he realizes he let you get away, truss me, you won't want him anymore. Maybe not today, or tomorrow or next month or next year but ULTIMATELY you will be done like dinner. Don't believe me? Check my threads. I was on here back in 2005 crying over my ex bf of 4 yrs who cheated on me multiple times and got another woman pregnant (I found out all at once). As much as I loved him, I left him - and I don't regret it for ONE SECOND. Because I realized, I really could & DID move on and DO BETTER. SO WILL YOU! Don't make him a priority if he's putting you as 2nd best.
Author HopelesslyStuck Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 I just want him back ):
Author HopelesslyStuck Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 I just keep thinking, you know? I don't want to sit here and think what if and overwhelm myself. But, I feel like if I would have been more confident, less insecure, put my foot down more, he would have treated me better. I feel like he's going to come back, eventually. But I feel like it will be when I'm over this. Which sucks, because I really believed in this relationship. Unfortunately, I was the only one.
Kaza Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I just keep thinking, you know? I don't want to sit here and think what if and overwhelm myself. But, I feel like if I would have been more confident, less insecure, put my foot down more, he would have treated me better. I feel like he's going to come back, eventually. But I feel like it will be when I'm over this. Which sucks, because I really believed in this relationship. Unfortunately, I was the only one. I thought that way myself. While I felt insecure for all 7 months of my relationship, I went to counselling and tried to fix myself. The result is that I got better, but my insecurity was more due to him not treating me right. One person improving doesn't work unless the other person wants to make it work. And I mean whole-hearted intention. He has a choice. He makes his own decisions, never forget that. He has to take responsibility for his actions, and you have to let him take that responsibility. If he's the type of person who treats you badly when you allow him to, then he's not really a person who CAN care for you, no matter what he says or whatever good times you've had.
Author HopelesslyStuck Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) Thank you guys for all your advice. I'm trying to listen to it. I just can't stop thinking about him. The only thing that makes me feel okay about it is thinking he will come back but he hasn't yet. Like, I've tried moving on and I've tried being with him but neither are working... Edited February 23, 2013 by HopelesslyStuck
Author HopelesslyStuck Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 You guys, I think I might have ****ed up but Im not sure. When I get crazy ideas, I spontaneously do them. I had some of his stuff left at my house. So I texted him telling him I was going to bring it to him and within like 3 seconds he texted back saying what stuff. I didn't reply because I was already driving. I texted that I was there, and I wasn't getting out. He came out, came to the drivers side I rolled down my window and he took it. It looked like he was about to walk away and he kinda turned back to me and asked me how I was. I was acting way too happy and I said I've been really good, told him how school was going, etc. then he said that was good, and started to walk away, and I said "how have you been?" he said ive been good, smoking more than usual. I was like oh, haha. and just smiling and acting like I was okay without him. Then he said "it was nice seeing you after so much time. Then he gave me a handshake? and said its goodbye but not forever" I said bye and drove away. It was a casual conversation. Nothing about the relationship came up. But I feel like it ruined my chances of getting him back because it seemed like closure. I don't know if this was bad or good. I know that when I drove away I started crying (but I was farther than where he could see me) I miss him so much and I'm hoping this will make him think about me and stuff. I JUST DONT KNOW. I'm gonna leave it at this and see what happens. I'm just scared and confused and its so overwhelming
cavalier99 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Well what's done is done. You might have setback you healing some but you definitely didn't ruin your chances at anything because it is over. Use this as an opportunity to go hard core NC. As you found out it is way too painful to see them or talk to them at this point. Just retreat into NC and hold onto it tight. This is what will get you thru this and make the separation bearable. Sorry. Cav
marklarsson Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 You guys, I think I might have ****ed up but Im not sure. When I get crazy ideas, I spontaneously do them. I had some of his stuff left at my house. So I texted him telling him I was going to bring it to him and within like 3 seconds he texted back saying what stuff. I didn't reply because I was already driving. I texted that I was there, and I wasn't getting out. He came out, came to the drivers side I rolled down my window and he took it. It looked like he was about to walk away and he kinda turned back to me and asked me how I was. I was acting way too happy and I said I've been really good, told him how school was going, etc. then he said that was good, and started to walk away, and I said "how have you been?" he said ive been good, smoking more than usual. I was like oh, haha. and just smiling and acting like I was okay without him. Then he said "it was nice seeing you after so much time. Then he gave me a handshake? and said its goodbye but not forever" I said bye and drove away. It was a casual conversation. Nothing about the relationship came up. But I feel like it ruined my chances of getting him back because it seemed like closure. I don't know if this was bad or good. I know that when I drove away I started crying (but I was farther than where he could see me) I miss him so much and I'm hoping this will make him think about me and stuff. I JUST DONT KNOW. I'm gonna leave it at this and see what happens. I'm just scared and confused and its so overwhelming I don't see why you should see it as closure. Was it closure for you?... Or are you thinking it was closure for him?..
cavalier99 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 You really need to accept that this is over not matter how painful it is. False hope is a true recovery killer. It is the worst. NC is great and will make the pain slowly go away but only if you accept that they aren't coming back. Otherwise you can string yourself along forever.
Author HopelesslyStuck Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 I'm trying my hardest to accept it. It's just really hard. But I know its not supposed to be easy. I saw it as closure because I was giving him the rest of his stuff back so there was nothing in my room to remind me of him and there would be no reason for me to see him and our talk was casual so it felt good. I felt good afterwards like I'm ready to just let whatever is going to happen and leave this where its at. A few hours after that, I was on my facebook and a random girl I've been friends with for a while posted pictures of then all over eachother. That's when this whole breakup sunk in. I deleted her. I walked away from the computer and looked in the mirror and said "you're better than this, you're beautiful and you don't deserve the hurt that he's giving you. If you love him, let him go because you can't force anything. What happened has happened and you have to let things fall into place where ever they are suppoosed to. If its not with him, you'll beBR okay." That was like giving myself closure. It sucks having to go through this but I know its apart of life and I can't keep dwelling on it because ill never grow stronger. He's going to realize what he lost one day, and when he does I hope I'm not around to care. In fact, I know I wont be.
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