castroadis Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, 8 months ago he moved to NYC to study. We've made plans for me to move in, but it has taken me longer than expected for me to actually get to it (basically, wrapping up at work). I have 2 jobs and the occasional freelance work that I thought would help deal with the distance and agonizing loneliness. I came for a visit for valentine's weekend and we had a big drunken messy fight. We've had our problems, mainly I feel we don't 'talk' anymore or spend as much time as I would want to on Skype or Face-time. Plus, I've been very stressed at work and often won't get into Skype sex and its iterations, which makes him feel less desired. He recently proposed that we take a break, but adding that to the distance I feel like he is pushing me away or that he might be scared to tell me straight to my face he wants to terminate our plans and is letting me down gently. He says that he still loves me, that he doesn't want to pursue other girls, but that he is not happy and admittedly we have been fighting a lot. But, I'm not ready to give up on him just yet. I feel like we should be working as a team towards bettering the relationship, not taking breaks which can drive us (even) further away. I told him I was willing to give him two weeks, but only a few hours have passed and I haven't stopped crying. I'm an anxious, concerned, distraught mess! Toughs?
WhatYouWantToHear Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Like the Easter Bunny, Big Foot and dyslexia: there's no such thing as a 'break' in a relationship. It's over. Cry, move on and don't drag this break up longer than it has to be.
Kengne Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 LD is very hard - I'd say 90% of LD relationships do not make it, even those with a solid foundation to begin with like yours. Unless there is a clear/finite/concrete plan for the LD relationship to become "normal" once again - it is doomed to failure. At this point - he has pulled away - from you & the relationship in general. No amount of crying, pleading, begging with him will serve to do anything. I know you feel like "fighting" to save the relationship - and I concur - but the best way to "fight" is to give him exactly what he is asking for - SPACE & TIME. Lots of it. Let him feel the absence of you from his life - and process what life without castro is like. He will either miss you - and come running back strong/rejuvenated - or he will feel relieved, and stay away. EITHER WAY - YOU have NO CONTROL over HIS feelings. You need to learn to the difference b/t things you can control and things you cannot. I understand this is a sad/hard time but you have to be strong - don't be that snivelling girl. During the next two weeks he needs to see you as a stong, collected, confident woman - that is what will ATTRACT him to you. The more needy/crying/tearful/begging you act, the more pressure you will put on him (unintentionally) - but pressure is pressure all the same, and lemme tell you pressure + LD is a guaranteed recipe for failure. SO for the next 2 weeks - you need to take care of YOURSELF. Get your nails done. Hang out with your GF. GO to the spa. If he contacts you, FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT ie be cheerful sounding, upbeat. Don't whine. Don't be "THAT GIRL". I don't think all hope is lost but I do think your actions in the next 2 weeks will sway him one way or the other.
Author castroadis Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 Kengne, Thanks for the conforting words. At this point, I've been doing just as you and other have suggested. Taking time to be with friends and keeping busy, reconnecting with friendships that were left on the back burner due to the enthrallment of being in a relationship and work. I gotta say it does feel nice to be with friends again, even tough at times I get overwhelmed with confusion, rage, confusion. His band had its first show yesterday and I was tempted to contact him to wish him good luck, but desisted. He didn't say explicitly no contact during the two weeks, but it has been 4 days and he hasn't called, texted or anything. I just want to know already if we're over or not so I can move on. Being on a limbo, relationship-wise and concerning the move is making me bonkers.
Recommended Posts