Boyfriend doesn't like my guyfriend

[Crescent_Cat]

Hey all! Hope you're having a good day!

 

I have a problem with my boyfriend, currently...he doesn't like my guyfriend. Boyfriend has never met this friend, and refuses to even meet him. For some reason, he feels the friend is a threat to him, that he's plotting to swoon me away from boyfriend.

His ex actually left him for one of her guyfriends, so I feel this is where this insecurity is coming from.

I notice my boyfriend will go through my phone and look at the texts guyfriend and I send each other. I have nothing to hide, and honestly, it's ok for him to go through my phone, but not behind my back. He's done it while I'm asleep, and he's done it while "playing games" on my phone.

I've had talks with him about this and have reassured him that there's nothing to worry about! However, that's not enough.

If he even hears from me that I hung out with guyfriend, he gets mad and questions me about everything we did.

 

It's at a point where I feel guilty for hanging out with guyfriend (I know I shouldn't).

Guyfriend and I have a language class together, so sometimes, we will hangout at the library and study for exams/quizzes/practice speaking together. I always end up feeling guilty for doing this behind my boyfriend's back, but at the same time, I tell myself I shouldn't, because I'm not doing anything wrong. I have no feelings other than friendship for the guyfriend.

This issue is frustrating me and I have no idea how to properly deal with this. I don't want to be all sneaky, that just looks weird, and if boyfriend ever finds out, this just makes me look really bad and suspicious!

 

One thing that really pisses me off is that boyfriend has two female friends who are very close to him (pretty much best friends). I have no problem with it, and have even hung out with them. It just makes me mad how it's perfectly fine for him to have female friends, yet any male friend I have is a "threat".

I don't want to cut off a good friendship because of his gender, how do I properly handle this?

[SadSouls]

I feel him - you shouldn't be hanging out 1 on 1 with a guy friend while in a relationship. In groups of people is totally fine.

[sillyanswer]

I don't want to cut off a good friendship because of his gender, how do I properly handle this?

 

Tell your boyfriend:

 

1. he's a hypocrite
   
2. he's too controlling
   
3. he isn't your boyfriend any more.
   

[SadSouls]

I couldn't edit my post, however: I'm in a relationship and my two best friends are females, which my girlfriend doesn't like. We hang out but in groups with other boys, out of respect for my girlfriend I never go out with either of them exclusively.

[SER]

How old are both of you? I've found that it's more difficult for boyfriends/girlfriends at a younger age to accept that you have an opposite sex good friend. At the same time, at a younger age, it is also more difficult to draw the line with that friend as you are both relying on each other to draw the line and maintain your distance at a certain level... it's much easier to define relationships (or lack thereof) like these with age (in my experience).

 

As SS said, it is better to hang out with them in groups vs. 1 on 1 (and as I mentioned, especially at a younger age), so perhaps you can have another friend join the both of you for any study sessions and also let your boyfriend know that you're making this change so that he feels better.

 

The point isn't so much that he's trying to be controlling, I believe the point is that he's uncomfortable with it - that's something you can't change; it's a feeling he has.

 

It's not his fault he's insecure and I'm not saying that you should completely distance yourself from your friend. Make sure he knows that you're there to stay and SHOW him that you're doing something to resolve this issue. Don't be sneaky and don't be overly defensive about your relationship with this guy when talking to your boyfriend.

[Crescent_Cat]

How old are both of you? I've found that it's more difficult for boyfriends/girlfriends at a younger age to accept that you have an opposite sex good friend. At the same time, at a younger age, it is also more difficult to draw the line with that friend as you are both relying on each other to draw the line and maintain your distance at a certain level... it's much easier to define relationships (or lack thereof) like these with age (in my experience).

 

As SS said, it is better to hang out with them in groups vs. 1 on 1 (and as I mentioned, especially at a younger age), so perhaps you can have another friend join the both of you for any study sessions and also let your boyfriend know that you're making this change so that he feels better.

 

The point isn't so much that he's trying to be controlling, I believe the point is that he's uncomfortable with it - that's something you can't change; it's a feeling he has.

 

It's not his fault he's insecure and I'm not saying that you should completely distance yourself from your friend. Make sure he knows that you're there to stay and SHOW him that you're doing something to resolve this issue. Don't be sneaky and don't be overly defensive about your relationship with this guy when talking to your boyfriend.

@SER Well I just turned 20 and the boyfriend is 19 going on 20.

 

I only hang out with the guyfriend at the University library and sometimes classmates from the class we have study/hang out with us.

 

I understand that he is uncomfortable and I know it's not his fault for being insecure. I've actually put some distance between the guyfriend and I (For example, not eat out alone or do activities such as movies and such alone). But like I said, we only hang out at the library.

[RogerWallace111]

I couldn't edit my post, however: I'm in a relationship and my two best friends are females, which my girlfriend doesn't like. We hang out but in groups with other boys, out of respect for my girlfriend I never go out with either of them exclusively.

 

 

This. Not saying your boyfriend's approach/behavior is admirable or cool, but this is how LOTS of guys are gonna be about their girlfriend spending time with another guy one on one. Probably the vast majority. And it's lame, but honestly it comes down to whether spending time with your friend one on one is more important than maintaining your relationship with your boyfriend. Which maybe it is.

 

But I'm sure, in this situation, plenty of relationships have ended over the principle vs the practical reality. By which I mean that realistically, in all honesty, it might not matter much too much to someone on your side of the situation that they can no longer spend time alone with their friend. It might be the principle of losing that freedom.

 

I mean, is this friend so close that if he moved away for work, or got involved with his own girlfriend who didn't want you seeing him one on one, it would deeply pain you ? If so, I'd say it might be worth ending your relationship over. If not, then it's likely the principle of the matter that's bothering you, in which case I recommend swallowing your pride, accepting that human beings often have jealous tendencies surrounding their significant others, and stop having study sessions w your friend. As much as that might seem like giving in, sometimes jealousy, though not a cool trait, is basically beyond ones control.

 

Say you had a cat you liked, but your new bf/gf was allergic. It's pretty clear either the cat goes or the significant other does. Some nitpicky turd will give me flak for the analogy, of course it's different, but no need to overanalyze. It demonstrates the simple reality, under the assumption that a jealous nature doesn't get "cured" (which from what I've seen it just doesn't, even when people try really hard).

 

All that being said, if he's hanging out one-on-one with his female friends, he has no right to ask you to stop unless he'll do the same. So I'd say your next step is to bring that to his attention...

 

And through this, just remember to ask yourself, "is the problem the reality of not being able to hang out alone with my friend, or the principle of not having the freedom to ?" Is there really stuff you can't say or do with your friend in the presence of others that you're doing alone ? I mean, if so, then your boyfriend is completely justified in his feeling uncomfortable with it.